As I followed Todd to his car, I started to doubt my decision more and more. While I was leaving school I saw Camden on his walk home by himself, and for some reason that made me feel like Bruce Lee just punched me in the chest.
It's not like i'm choosing Todd over Cam. In fact, i'm doing this to give myself the courage to face how I feel about Camden. And i'm just hanging out with Todd; we're not having an orgy. So why do I feel so awful?
We arrived at Todd's in about twenty minutes. Todd lives by the railroad tracks, further into town than I usually go-unless i'm going to Todd's. A feeling of nostalgia swept over me, and good memories as well as bad resurfaced. I decided to focus on the good while i'm here.
"Mi casa es su casa, babe," Todd said with an easy grin, spreading his arms wide as we stepped in. I exhaled and smiled back.
"Thanks. So, what do you wanna do? Movie? Game?" I asked, dropping my backpack on a chair and grinning at him. It felt fake, but Todd wasn't one to usually notice things like that.
"Hey, whatever you want. But, uh...I actually have a few people coming over soon. They won't be a bother, scout's honor." He said. My grin froze, and a feeling of deja vu settled over me.
I shook my head quickly. No, i'm here to give him a chance at friendship with me. If I judge too harshly or quickly, what kind of friend is that?
"Sure, that's fine. It's only a few, right?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Within an hour, Todd's house was packed full of people and I could barely hear myself think over the music.
"Excuse me, sorry, out of my way bitch thanks." I said as I shoved my way to the kitchen. I was pretty thirsty, and thought it would be a simple task to leave the semi-silent cocoon of Todd's room to get some water. Boy, was I wrong; about more than one thing.
"I can't believe I let myself get swindled into this. Thanks Obama." I grumbled to myself.
Todd had disappeared into the crowd some time ago, and I retreated to his room seeing as no one was allowed in there-meaning that's where i'd be for sure. Parties? Not my scene. Like, for reals.
I finally got my water, but just as I began to make my through the masses some big guy with super long black hair and muscles the size of my head bumped into me, knocking half of the water all over me.
"Aw, c'mon!" I complained, looking down at my wet shirt. Fan-frickin'-tastic. I pushed forward, and when I looked up two girls were seriously tonguing it right in front of me. "Agh! Make-outers!"
I shoved around them as distanced as I could, when someone else bumped into me, spilling the rest of the water all over me once again as the cup fell to the ground. " Son of a Hemsworth!"
"Kai, babe! Where you-what happened?" I flipped around to see that the second person who had bumped into me was king asshat Todd himself.
"Well, let's see, I forgot which way to aim my dick when I went to the bathroom and pissed all over my shirt." I said sarcastically.
"You don't gotta be rude about it, damn. C'mon, let's get you cleaned up," Todd said, taking my hand and leading me to his room. I pouted and muttered at how easy it was for him to maneuver through the party crowd.
We got to his room, and I yanked my hand away and stalked to the other side of the room, glaring at him all the while. "Todd, I am one pissed off dude right now." I said calmly.
He rubbed the back of his neck, looking guilty, but I could tell by the twitch of his arms and the look in his eyes that he had been shooting something into his all ready corrupted bloodstream.
"Kai, it's not like that. My friends brought people, then those people brought people and so on. Look, if you just come party for a bit I bet you'll be able to loosen up real quick."
I rolled my eyes, almost disturbed at how recognizable that sentence was to me. "This is such bullshit. I'm leaving." I made a beeline for the door, but Todd grabbed my arm, his grip strangely tight.
"Don't-Don't leave. All right, just-just hear me out. We haven't even talked yet," He pleaded, pulling me further into the the room again.
"And who's fault is that? Todd, you need help, man. Serious help, more than I can handle. So just let me go." I said, trying to free my arm but his hand tightened.
"Kai, listen to me! I love you, okay? I did-and I do, and I just-drugs are my habit. Can't you see past that? Can't you?" He pleaded, trying to pull me against his chest but I finally shoved him off.
"It wasn't just the drugs that broke us up. You changed. I loved you too, but you weren't you anymore. You got cold, and distant, and into some serious stuff that I still don't want to get involved with. We're through, Todd." I said, my chest feeling heavy as pain filled his eyes. I hate doing this.
That pain was quickly replaced with anger though. "Whatever. You're just damaged goods anyway; we never even had sex! You think you're so much better than me just 'cause you're sober? Not even. I bet you can't go two seconds without gettin' with someone else. So what if you're lonely, or whatever your problem is. That doesn't give you the right to date around and break hearts. Hell, I bet that cutie with the blue eyes is your next target. Is he sluttin' out for you like everyone else?" He snapped, and at that last comment so did I.
Without warning my right fist flew into his face, sending him to the ground. "Don't you dare talk about him like that. You know nothing. Not about him, not about me, and not even about yourself. You can judge me when you're perfect, and something tells me I won't ever be getting any criticism from you on that basis." I said, my voice cold. Todd rubbed his jaw, glaring up at me silently.
I snorted, walking to the door and opening it. The music's volume intensified, having been slightly muted before. "Goodbye, Todd. Needless to say we won't be friends after this." I left the room, shutting the door behind me.
I made my way through the people, only stopping my footsteps to grab my bag until I got outside, where the party had spilled out in front of the house even.
I went and sat on the curb across the street, looking down at my hands. They're shaking. I'm not a violent person, not at all. But when he said those things about Cam, I just lost it. I came here so maybe I could get over Todd; so I could even be worth Cam's time for him to consider me.
Now I know that'll never happen. I could never be worth someone like him. I'm just a messed up, too-passionate kid with mommy issues.
What do I have to offer anyone? I dated people because I feel too much, too quickly. What makes now any different? I was stupid to think it was special.
Camden is special, but that doesn't mean we would have anything special between us. Gods, i'm pathetic. I stood up, stuffing my hands in my pockets and starting my walk home. I've got a long way to go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got home quite a bit later, and my sister griped at me for not telling them I was going somewhere. I ignored them silently, and went to my room. They shot each other concerned looks at my unusual quietness before I shut the door.
I flopped back onto my bed, heaving a sigh. I pulled out my phone, and the screen glowed with missed calls and texts from Cam, and one missed call from Derek. I pouted until I started to scroll through Cam's texts to me:
'Kai, how are things going? Sorry, that's nosy! Nevermind, you don't have to tell me just try to fix things, okay? If you can :)'
'Are things going okay? I know it's nosy but you didn't reply before...'
'I called, but no answer. Am I being paranoid? Oh gosh, I am, aren't I? I swear i'm not a stalker! I'll stop texting now.'
'I lied. I called a few more times. I'm worried, you always answer. I'm sorry, i'm a terrible and pushy person but please text me back! ;_;'
'It's so lucky I can't stutter over text >.< Kai, please return my calls! Maybe you're having too much fun. I'll leave you alone. Sorry. Just...sorry.'
'KAI I'M BEGGING YOU JUST ONE TEXT I WANT TO CRY AND DO BAD THINGS TO MY PILLOW actually I all ready did that sorry just text me sorry!'
I laughed so hard at that last text, I thought my stomach might explode. I wiped a tear from my eye as I calmed down, grinning widely. Geez, he didn't have to be so worried! The texts stopped after that, but there were a few more calls, each within exactly ten minutes from each other.
I pictured Cam biting his lip and watching the clock for ten minutes before calling me again. I smiled to myself, shaking my head. Oh Cam. My heart hurt a little as I thought about him. I looked at my phone, and tapped the picture of him that I took to use as his icon.
I took him by surprise, and snapped a picture of him after telling him to say cheese. His eyes were slightly wide and extra blue, and his cheeks had a light blush on them. I smiled softly at the picture, rubbing my thumb over it as I contemplated what to text him.
'Everything's fine, don't call me. And be nice to your pillow.' I texted quickly, pressing send. The reply was so quick I almost laughed again. All it said was, 'Okay!' and just from that I could tell there was so much more he wanted to say. I'm so terrible.
I rolled onto my side, sighing. I have sighed so much today my soul might come out of my right nostril. I flipped to my other side, frustrated and unable to get comfortable.
I'm always terrible. I would be able to hold onto a serious relationship if I wasn't. But I can't help but feel like I keep being thrown out last week's Penny saver. Fun for awhile, but you've got to get rid of it eventually.
I can't-I don't even know how to act with Cam now. Nothing should change, I mean nothing did change but somehow it feels different. Cam seems even more out of reach than he did before. It's almost overwhelming to think about going to school and seeing all my exes, and I fought with Todd and I don't deserve Cam and i'm in a fight with Derek and just ugh!
What a mess. And I don't have the slightest clue on how to clean it up. Maybe i've always been a mess, and i've just gotten used to living in it.
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