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𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲: 𝐇𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐅𝐮𝐫𝐲
Bucharest, Romania
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Allie had officially come to the conclusion that she was very much lost.
After storming out on Bucky, she had decided to walk around the city, too caught up in her anger to realize that she was heading into uncharted territory. All she could think about was the rage she felt, completely overwhelming her and making it exceedingly difficult to focus on anything else. It demanded attention, swelling in her veins, waiting to explode.
She had only realized how engrossed she had been in her own fury when she found herself at a lake in the middle of nowhere. With absolutely no clue how to get back home. It was most definitely not one of her smarter plans, but she chose to relish in the moonlight setting on the dark waters. Pushing her worry away and savoring the silence.
The lake was as flat as any mirror. It laid without a ripple in the dark-blue water as if time itself had been frozen. The black water was alight with the reflection of the constellations in the sky, glimmering under the clear starlight. The faint rumble of a car's engine was heard in the distance, interrupting the otherwise silent night.
But despite the obvious serenity of her surroundings, Allie still couldn't tear her mind from the anger in her head.
As she sat down at the edge of the lake, the only thing playing on her mind was her fight with Bucky. In that moment, she had been blinded by a five-course serving of rage that tasted bitter, yet surprisingly satisfying. It had been there a while now, that anger, simmering beneath the surface and waiting to escape. And as soon as Bucky had opened his mouth, criticizing her, she lost it.
She unleashed the monster within, letting it assault Bucky mercilessly. Her words crashed out unchecked, unaltered in bitterness. She didn't back down, she attacked him relentlessly, making sure he felt every ounce of pain that she was feeling. Evoking the same fury in him that he made her feel in that moment.
A feeling that had vexed her soul, twisting and distorting her judgment. Burning like fire lacing in her veins, creeping up her spine and leaching from her mouth in the form of sharp statements made to hurt. It was as if her words were dipped in poison, unleashed without thought of consequence.
She was intoxicated with an emotion that she had no intention of ever feeling.
But now, she wasn't sure how she felt.
Anger, pain, sadness and guilt swirled within her. The feelings so entwined that she forgot where one ended and the other began. Her anger hadn't originally been aimed at Bucky, rather it was directed at herself. Frustrated with all the pain and suffering she had caused.
But when he brought it up, slapping her in the face with the truth, she turned her anger to him. Wanting to suffer in her sad, miserable existence alone. All he had done was try to help her and instead, she attacked him.
It was fear that caused her rage, that hot scorching anger that sought to harm. It was a biological button better left alone. Creating a blazing fire that burned hot but died quickly. Leaving in its wake the black ashes of their relationship.
And she was scared.
She wasn't sure what she was going to come home to. Her words that had been so toxic and made to hurt might have pushed Bucky away. Tearing an irreparable hole in their relationship. The way that she spoke to him, the way they spoke to each other, it was treacherous. Causing pain that would make HYDRA jealous.
And even though she was beyond mad at him, hurt by his words that had also been designed to sting, she didn't want to lose him. After all they had been through, all the pain and suffering, she didn't know if she could survive without him.
Through her entire existence, she had always had someone to rely on. Someone to support her. First it had been Mikael, then Erskine, Steve, Bucky, Peggy, and Howard. And out of those six, two of them were dead. One was confined to a retirement village, another was the one who had imprisoned her at HYDRA and the other one she couldn't be seen with. That only left Bucky, and she had just pushed him away.
She felt tears well in her eyes, unsure of what exactly had caused them. They seemed to be a mixture of angry and sad tears, or maybe tired tears was a more accurate description. She was just tired of it all, tired of life.
Without a conscious thought running through her head, Allie reached into her pocket and fished out her small flip phone. She didn't even stop to think about what time it was when she flipped it open and dialed the top number.
The ringtone sang as she lifted the phone up to her ear, interrupting the otherwise silent night. Holding it with a tight grasp as she waited for the phone call to go through.
"Hello? Allie?" Steve's voice echoed, prompting a new wave of sadness to hit Allie.
"Steve." She cried softly.
"Allie, are you alright?" He asked, urgency filling his tone.
"I stuffed up, Steve." She told him, trying to hold back the now free-flowing tears that fell down her face.
"Tell me where you are. I'll get to you, I'll leave right now." He said worriedly, the sound of footsteps resounding through the phone as Allie guessed that he was getting ready to leave his apartment.
"I can't Steve. You can't be seen around me." She shook her head, forgetting that he couldn't see the action.
"I don't care about that Allie! I care about you!"
Allie let out a little sob at his words, further worrying him. "Steve, please. I just want someone to talk to."
A silence interrupted the two as Steve contemplated her words. Allie nervously drummed her fingers against her jeans, silently begging him not to ignore her. Hoping that he hadn't already traced her call and tried to follow her.
"Alright." Steve relented, sighing."Tell me what's wrong, Al."
"I killed people Steve. I killed 20 soldiers." She murmured, fighting to push the words past her lips. "I can't trust my powers anymore. I can't trust me."
"Allie, all you did was protect yourself and no one blames you for that." Steve countered.
"But I didn't just protect myself, I murdered them!" She cried.
"Allie, you can't think like that. In the war, we had to kill people to survive and to protect others. It was devastating but we were soldiers fighting for freedom." Steve informed her."And you never left the war. You are still fighting for freedom which means you can't give up."
"I tired of fighting Steve. I'm so tired." She lamented."I can't sleep anymore, I can't eat, I can't live."
"Sleep doesn't help if it's your soul that's tired." He commented."You need to stay strong. You need to keep reminding yourself why you are fighting and hold onto that. Because the second you lose sight of the end goal, you lose that motivation to keep going."
Steve's word had hit home for Allie as she realized that she had lost sight of her end goal. She had lost her motivation to keep fighting. She needed to be free from HYDRA, she needed to let go of everything that they had done to her and move on with her life. And that starts with her not letting them dictate her life anymore.
"I see you never lost those motivational speeches, Captain." She said with a sad smile.
"I guess that was the only thing that never changed." He added melancholically.
"I'm sorry Steve." She apologized, wishing that everything had been different. "I'm so so sorry."
"Allie, you have nothing to apologize for. Absolutely nothing at all." He replied.
Releasing a sigh from her rosy lips, she whispered into the phone with all the strength she could muster. "I miss you, Steve."
"I miss you too."
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It was about 3 o'clock in the morning when Allie had arrived home. She had talked with Steve for over an hour, slowly building up to courage to apologize to Bucky. Of course, she hadn't mentioned her fight with Bucky to Steve at all. But Steve always knew how to give the best advice, even when he didn't realize someone needed it.
When she finally hung up the phone, she made the dreaded walk back into the city. Hoping to come across someplace that seemed familiar and would give her a general sense of direction to get back home.
For the entire trip back home, all she could think about was how her conversation with Bucky would go. She was still very much hurt by some of his words, words that inspired residual anger in her to burn. But she knew that his own rage had been provoked by her actions spanning over the last few days. Her guilt had left her incapacitated and closed off, and she knew that was difficult for Bucky to deal with.
She also felt immense guilt for some of her own poisonous words. The things that she had said were cruel, aiming to hurt Bucky just as deeply as she was hurting. She had hoped that Bucky knew that, but she also knew it wasn't an excuse. Because regardless of whether she meant them or not, she had still said them. She had still hurt him.
And as much as she hated admitting she was wrong, Bucky deserved an apology. She just hoped that he would accept it, and maybe give her an apology too, not that she deserved it.
Eventually, she had made her way home.
Climbing up the never-ending staircase became daunting, reminding her of what awaited at the top. Fearful of the encounter that she was about to have. She had to resist the desire to turn back and run away, finding it much more appealing than what she was about to do.
Taking a deep breath, she continued walking up the stairs until she was outside the door to their apartment. Nervousness burned in her veins and she felt her heart thump anxiously in her chest. But she pushed the feeling down, putting on a confident facade as she softly opened the door to their home.
She hadn't even made it all the way through the door when she heard Bucky's voice bellow out in anger as he stood in the kitchen.
"Where the hell have you been?"
Allie hid her wince as she heard his voice, knowing that his anger obviously hadn't dissipated in all the time that she had been gone. Leaving her with the very difficult task of trying to calm him down.
"Out." She answered, knowing that she couldn't even tell him where she had been since she didn't even know.
"Allie you can't just walk off like that! Especially not when HYDRA is after us." Bucky growled, his face rigid as he gazed at her in fury. "Do you know how worried I have been? I have been going out of my mind for the last 3 hours!"
"I'm sorry." Allie apologized causing Bucky to blink at her for a few seconds, having expected another argument to follow after his words. "I shouldn't have left like that and not told you where I was going. It was reckless and I am sorry."
"I... uh— Thank you?" Bucky muttered, confusion replacing the anger in his system. Surprised by Allie's cool tone and her composed facade.
All night he had sat in this room, waiting for Allie to come back. Going out of his mind with scenarios that could have happened to her. Wondering if she had been taken by HYDRA or the police. If she was hurt and calling for him.
Or if she had left him.
He was scared out of his mind. He didn't know if he should have followed her or waited at home like a lovesick puppy. He didn't know what to do because he was scared he was going to lose her. He had already lost Allie's smile and her happiness, so all he had left was her. And after everything she had been through, he thought he was going to lose her next.
But when she finally walked back through that door, all that fear had disappeared. He had her back finally and he could tell from the way she walked she was feeling different. He was overcome with a feeling of relief when he realized that there wasn't a single cut or bruise on her body. That she was back home and safe.
And despite how relieved he was to see her home, he was still infuriated with her. After everything he had done to care for her these past few days, he knew he didn't deserve some of the comments that Allie had made about him. Maybe he did push her too far, but all he was doing was trying to look after her, especially since he had been through this all before.
She had pushed and pushed him away and Bucky had had enough. He knew Allie was struggling but they could do that together. They could take on the world together but she had to let him help. And after walking out on him without a word, he wasn't sure how much longer this was going to last.
"Were you preparing for a fight?" Allie asked softly, breaking Bucky from his thoughts.
"Something like that." He replied, still feeling bitter.
"Let me hear it then, I deserve it." She told him, closing the door behind her.
"No, it doesn't feel right anymore." He huffed in annoyance, a hint of playfulness hiding in his blue orbs despite his irritated tone.
"Bucky..." Allie started, nervousness clawing at her throat. "I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean any of it and it was just fueled by my own anger at myself. I shouldn't have taken it out on you especially after everything you have done for me."
"I know." Bucky sighed.
"You don't have to see Steve if you want to. It's not fair of me to tell you what's the best way of recovering when I haven't even begun to recover myself." She continued. "And I'm sure he would understand that you need time to process everything."
"I'm sorry for what I said too, especially about your nightmares. I know how hard they are too so I definitely shouldn't have said anything." Bucky began apologizing. "Nightmares or no nightmares, I'm not going to leave you. Even though your powers are unstable and could potentially hurt me, I'll help you control them."
At his promise, Allie shook her head in disagreement."You really should though." She told him. "You should leave."
"I won't because I'm not scared of you." He reassured, frowning at her words.
"Well, you are definitely the first to say that." She grinned softly.
"But Allie, you do have to understand that after what HYDRA did to us, remembering your past takes time. It took me months before I remembered everything so I would assume that it will be the same for you." Bucky informed her, this time treading much more tentatively around the topic."Even though it's frustrating, it just is what it is."
"Well, it would be nice if it wasn't." She huffed frustratedly, causing Bucky to chuckle at her childish response.
"I haven't even finished remembering everything. There are still gaps in my memories that need filling. But you just need to be—"
"I wasn't lying though when I said I would carve out your mouth with a knife if you kept saying the word patience." Allie quickly cut him off, giving him a murderous glare. Because even though they had both apologized, she was sick and tired of hearing that word.
"Sorry." He grinned sheepishly, holding his hands up in surrender.
Allie's glare immediately vanished at his submission and she let out a relieved sigh. Continuing on with her apology, she spoke again. "You know your not a coward though right?" She asked and Bucky hastily turned his gaze away from her.
Because in all that time that Bucky had been sitting in the shit-hole of an apartment alone, he had come to the conclusion that maybe Allie was right. Maybe he was a coward. After all, he had done all those things that she said, ticked off all the boxes that had made him a coward. And as the saying goes, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
"Bucky I'm serious." Allie called out, striding over to him gracefully. "Look at me." She said as she took ahold of his hand, squeezing it softly. Bucky reluctantly met her chocolate eyes with his own blue ones, feeling his rough digits curl around her own.
"You are the furthest thing from a coward. I admire your strength and I don't know how you survived all those months alone with no memories. Because I know for certain that I would not have been able to cope without you." She declared, staring into his eyes unflinchingly as she gently rubbed her thumb against the back of his hand.
A brief silence halted their conversation for a moment. Their eyes were fixed in a resolute stare-off, his striking cobalt ones meeting her golden pools of chocolate. An unsaid emotion passed over the two of them, a feeling that they hadn't felt for many years. When they gazed into each other's eyes, it felt as if they were home. That they were both free from the demons of their past and their future wasn't as bleak as what they perceived it to be.
When they looked at each other, it was as if every ounce of breath was taken from their lungs, floating into the air like midnight smoke. That their hearts were thumping as if they were running a race, only seconds away from the finish line. As if time collapsed into one tiny speck and exploded into nothingness, rendered completely infinite.
And that's when they realized that they were no longer just friends. That the two of them were well past allies. That they would always be something more.
"I um— I have something that I want to show you." Bucky finally spoke, dropping her hand reluctantly and walking over to his backpack.
Allie cleared her throat softly as she tried to ignore the loss of warmth that came from her hand being enclosed in Bucky's. And she desperately fought back the desire to walk over and retake his hand back in hers, clinging onto it like it was her lifeline.
Realizing how pathetic she sounded, she mentally scolded herself and pushed the thoughts from her head. She turned her attention back to Bucky just as he pulled something out of the bag and slowly walked over to her, anxiousness radiating from his body which surprised her considering he was normally very stoic and composed.
But it seemed to him that he was always weaker around her.
He returned to his spot in front of Allie, clutching a brown leather-bound book within his hands. It was quite worn, the edges of the pages slightly frayed as if to show its constant use. She couldn't tell what was written inside but by the way Bucky's hands gripped the book as if it was the most precious thing on earth, she could tell it was important to him.
"This is my journal I guess." Bucky informed her, lifting the book up into eyesight. "When I escaped from HYDRA, my memories used to overwhelm me, like they do for you. I would get splitting headaches and it got so bad sometimes that I couldn't even move. But they were my memories so I didn't care."
"I wrote them down in here so I would never forget a memory again. Everything from my childhood, the war, to HYDRA is in there." Bucky continued, his blue eyes revealing the mental anguish he felt as he recounted the memories. "Both the bad and the good."
"There are memories of Steve, Howard, Peggy, and the Colonel all in here," Bucky stated, lifting his eyes up to meet Allie's. "And there are memories of you."
"And I want you to have it."
"No, Bucky. They are your private memories." Allie immediately protested, trying to push Bucky's journal back into his hands.
"I want you to read them." He said firmly, clasping his hand around hers so she couldn't return it.
"Bucky..." She trailed off, uncertainty dripping from her voice.
"Please Allie. That's the real me in there, the Bucky that isn't up at the Smithsonian or the Bucky that even you remember." He argued. "It's the Bucky that Steve wouldn't want."
"Steve just wants his Bucky. He wants you in any form that he can get." She said gently, placing the book down on the bedside table as she looked at Bucky warmly.
"Yeah well, Steve already has you. He doesn't need me." He shrugged and Allie felt her heart clench at his words.
It hurt her to think that after everything that Steve and Bucky had been through, Bucky thought that Steve didn't want him. That deep down he thought nobody wanted him. It absolutely killed her because she knew it was untrue. Because she wanted him.
"You know I would choose you." Allie whispered, staring deeply into Bucky's cobalt eyes."I will always choose you."
It felt like forever that their eyes were locked on each other. Her stomach coiled unnaturally with each passing second, nervousness radiating through her. Achingly slow, Bucky lifted up his metal hand and brushed a few stray locks from her face, all whilst not breaking her stare. His metal fingertips traced the skin of her jawline so delicately she nearly shivered, a stark comparison to the actions that HYDRA had intended when they reconstructed his limb.
She felt the entirety of her self-control falter when he tore his gaze from her eyes down to her full, ruby lips. An action so innocent that sent her knees weak and mind into shambles. The distance between their faces began to slowly lessen and she could eventually feel the sharp intake of his breath against her face, almost teasing her with promise.
And then their lips met and the entire world fell away.
The kiss was soft and slow. So soft that she thought it was a figment of her imagination. That she had imagined the entire thing as if she was in a dream. But when she felt the pads of his fingers caress the skin below her ear, she knew that it was real. That she hadn't conjured the feeling of his lips gently kissing hers.
Their bodies almost melted together into one. Their lips fitting like two puzzle pieces, colliding to create this beautiful moment worthy of a romance novel. The touch of his lips softer than what she could have ever imagined, so much better than what she ever thought. It was as if they were made for each other.
She ran her fingers down his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between the two of them. So close that she feared that he could hear her heart racing in her chest. That he would be able to feel the excitement and nervousness coursing through her body. Feelings that seemed to push every rational thought from her head. Feelings that he shared.
Much too soon for Allie's liking, they had pulled apart slowly. Leaning their foreheads against each other as they caught their breath. A loving expression encapturing both of their features as smiles lit up their faces. Both so emphatically infatuated with each other.
"It looks like our always did last forever."
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Hey loves,
FGDHFJWFJFJFKJ ARE YOU HAPPY WITH ME NOW?
IT ONLY TOOK 20 CHAPTERS TO GET OUR BABIES BACK TOGETHER!
I spent soooo long editing this chapter to make it perfect because both you (the readers) and Bucky and Allie deserved the fluffiest of fluff moment after all the angst and fighting I have put you through!
I have some AWESOME stuff planned for the last couple of chapters! There will be plot twists, fluff, more angst (of course) and more og MCU characters meeting Allie!
SO STICK AROUND EVERYONE!!!
But on another note, thank you all for getting Tricks to 50K reads! It's crazy how quickly that both of my books are gaining reads and I just want to thank you all for being the absolute best readers I could ask for xx
Anyway, onto the questions!
1. What did you think of the chapter?
2. What would you like to see next?
3. What's your favorite book atm?
4. Dark mode or day mode? (soz idk what it's called lol!)
Until next time!!
- Grace xx