Days and weeks went by and nothing really extraordinary happened between Joe and I. He kept making comments in class which let me know he was still into me but neither one of us were actually making any efforts toward going out with each other. I personally thought that ship had sailed. Our conversations became trivial and we were drifting apart.
December came around again. I was my usual joyful self when Christmas comes around. I was ecstatic because I was making my own money which meant I could buy more presents and really, what else is Christmas about? Ha-ha.
The company we were working for always organizes these huge parties to celebrate the ending of a year as well as Christmas. They'll have good music, a lot of food, some raffles and everyone had to be there. We had to wear a dress, too. Which to be honest, I was kind of nervous about because of the way I would look so I think I ended up wearing something else. They offered everything at these parties except alcohol. And since everyone really wanted alcohol, they made a point of either getting drunk before or after the party.
So, on the day of the party, I had already made plans with a friend of mine from work whose name was Jeffrey. At the end of the day, I went up to Joe's training room. I had finished my training so I only saw him at the end of every day. Jeffrey and I went up to ask him what his plans were to go to the party.
Joe: Im already a little drunk to be honest with you. Staff members and I went to this small bar and had a couple of drinks. What are you guys doing?
Me: Jeffrey and I are going to the party. Do you want to come with? And maybe at the end, we can go somewhere else to keep drinking.
Joe: That sounds awesome. Let me just change clothes and I'll meet you guys downstairs in the parking lot.
Jeffrey: Are you serious, Amanda? You're going to go with the trainer? Do you know how that's going to look for the rest of us?
Me: There's nothing between us, Jeffrey. We're just friends.
Jeffrey: Yeah, if you say so.
Jeffrey and I went down to the car and waited for Joe. Eventually, Joe came running towards the car. I was driving, Jeffree was next to me and Joe sat behind me. I started driving. Around two blocks away from work, Joe speaks up.
Joe: Stop the car!
Me: What? Why?
Joe: Stop the god damn car. I want to get out!
Without saying a single word, I stopped the car. As if there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, he opened up the door and got out of the car.
Joe: Thanks.
He shuts the door.
Jeffrey: What the fuck did this mother fucker just do?
Me: Honestly, I don't know. This is not the first time he acts weird with me.
Jeffrey: What do you mean it's not the first time? Why do you keep letting him?
Me: It's a long story, Jeffrey.
It wasn't a long story. The deal was that I was desperate to have someone in my life so I let him do whatever he wanted to do with me. I told him how I felt about what he did or said every time he did it but nothing ever changed. I should have stopped talking to him from the day he left us at the grocery store. I really should have.
We got to the party and all I could think about was Joe. I couldn't eat or have any kind of fun at peace because Joe was running through my mind the whole night. I just wanted to go back home, get in my bed and cry myself to sleep. I couldn't believe I didn't love myself enough to put a stop to that. I was heartbroken. I felt... defeated.
After all of the Christmas party debacle went down, new year's came around. I was determined to have a good time and celebrate with my family. I wanted to begin the new year without Joe or anything that could affect me negatively. My mom had a boyfriend at the time so he came over, my brother, my uncles and my grandparents had the most amazing dinner we could have asked for.
As the night went on, people started leaving my house. It was already the new year! Until, another friend from work calls my phone.
Rita: Hey, Amanda! Happy new year! I know we haven't known each other that much but I want you to know that I really love you and I hope you have an amazing year.
Me: Happy new year to you too, Rita! That is so sweet that you would call me. What did you do to celebrate?
Rita: My family and I had an amazing dinner. I was actually calling you to propose driving down to Zuko town and maybe getting drunk together? Ha-ha.
Me: That actually sounds amazing. Should we? I mean, its like 1am right now. Do you think we could find any good parties?
Rita: Of course we can! It's New Years!!
As she was saying those words and actually almost convincing me, there was a small beep in the background that alerted me that I was getting another call.
Me: Hold on Rita. Im getting a call.
I look down at my phone and yes, you guessed it. It was Joe.
Me: Hello?
Joe: Hey, Amanda. I really wouldn't be calling you if I didn't need you.
There goes my new year's wishes? He sounded... weird. I wasn't sure if he was drunk but he definitely wasn't himself. Because as he himself stated, he wouldn't have called me if he actually didn't need me.
Me: What is going on?
Joe: I need you to come pick me up at Zippies.
Me: What do you mean come pick you up at Zippies?
For you to understand why I was shook, Zippies is a gay club. Let me repeat it so it sinks in. Zippies is a GAY club. GAY.
Joe: I know. Just please come and I'll tell you all about it here.
I felt like I didn't have a choice. I went up to my mom's room and I told her that I needed to go pick up a friend. She told me it would probably be dangerous for me to drive on new year's at 2 am because everyone is probably drunk. I even reassured her that everything would be okay.
As I was driving my way to Zippies, the reality came crashing through the windshield. Is Joe actually gay? Have I been crushing on a guy who would rather me have a P than a V? What the hell is going on? When I finally got there, there were a lot of cars parked outside. That place was freaking packed like sardines. And I saw him. He stood in front of my car and walked tumbling to my car.
He finally makes his way to my car and he opens up the back door. He didn't even have the decency to sit next to me. I couldn't believe how much of an asshole this guy was being. What the fuck? Anger started to fill up my entire body. If he made any wrong comment or move, I was sure I would explode on him.
Joe: You know, I can survive on my own. I don't need you and I don't need anyone else. In fact, if you want, you can leave me out here. Ill find my way back to my house or something, who cares.
I stayed silent. Anger kept building up inside of me and I didn't want to explode in front of someone who was drunk out of his fucking mind.
Joe: Are you mad at me? You should be. Im a worthless piece of shit who is literally using you. I would never do this for you. I would never come pick you up anywhere if you were drunk. I honestly don't give a fuck about you. But don't take it personal. I don't give a fuck about you or anyone else.
Still, I managed to stay silent. Like I said, if I started talking, things would get ugly.
Joe: Amanda, why are you so stupid? Im telling you, you should never trust men like me. We hurt people. We deceive people. And I also don't need you to save me.
This was the turning point for me. I had had enough.
Me: OKAY SHUT UP, JOE. Im done with all of your crap. Just shut the fuck up and let me drive.
Words were rushing out of my mouth like it was word vomit.
Me: I came to pick you up because I knew you were in trouble and you do look like you're in god damn trouble. So, shut the fuck up while whatever you drank or freaking took goes away and then you can go wherever the fuck you want. I don't want to live with guilt if anything happens to you.
Joe: Ugh, you're so fucking hot when you speak like that. Keep going, baby.
Me: Shut the fuck up.
Joe: Oh yeah, what else do you want me to do, baby?
Me: Shut the fuck up.
At this point, I was already on my block. I couldn't take him to my house in that state so I was driving around the same couple of blocks until he was okay enough to act decent in front of my family if any of them were up.
Joe: Havent we been here like 3 times already? Are you trying to drive around so we don't go to your house? I can get the fuck out of here, you know, that right? Just fucking tell me.
Me: Shut the fuck up. I told you to shut the fuck up. I trying to think what to do. What the fuck did you drink, Joe?
Joe: Honestly, I had a couple of drinks but I think someone might have slipped something in my drink. Im sure of it. Some people were following me and I had to escape. I had to do anything I could to escape. I had to climb out through the roof and throw myself out of there. I landed on a car. I don't know how Im still alive or don't have any broken bones.
Had he been watching spiderman lately? What did he mean he threw himself out of the roof? He was actually sounding like a crazy- ass person. The worst part was, he wasn't addressing what I wanted to know about. What the hell was he doing in a gay club?
Me: Well, you're safe now. I want to know why you made me pick you up from a gay club? Are you gay?
Joe: I was there for fun.
Me: Yeah, fucking right. Tell me the truth, Joe. It's the least you could do after all of the bullshit you've put me through.
Joe: Okay, I'll admit it. But if you tell anyone, I'll deny it until the day I die. Im bisexual.
Bisexual? I didn't know how I felt about it. I was starting to question my femininity.
Me: Bisexual?
Joe: Yes, Amanda. I like both men and women.
Okay. So, you've gotten to know me a lot by now, I'm really letting you into my deepest, darkest secrets and feelings. So, to recap on my most recent shenanigans, not only was the guy I was completely crushing on a complete asshole, but he was also not really sure if he liked men or women better. My head fell into a whirlwind of emotions that I didn't even know existed.
That day, Joe and I were both sitting on my family's couch. I was starting to regret bringing him home because he was obviously not himself. He had either drank too much, taken some sort of drug or someone had definitely slipped something into his drink. While I was giving all of these things a little too much thought, Joe abruptly threw my arm over to the side and stood up. Along with him, so did I.
Me: Joe, you can't do anything here. It's my house and everyone things we're asleep. Please, don't get me into more trouble. My mom wasn't too happy about the fact that I left my house at 2am to pick someone up. She said it wasn't safe.
Joe turns around to face me and stares at me dead in the eyes. I could see he wasn't happy. I saw in his eyes his intentions. He wasn't there because he wanted to spend time with me and he sure hadn't stood up from the couch to dance. I could tell he was pissed. Why the hell was he pissed though? I had picked him up when probably nobody else would have.
Joe: You think you're so smart, don't you? Amanda, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be with you. I don't know why the fuck you brought me here.
Me: Why I brought you here? Because you're drugged out of your mind and you called me to pick your stupid ass from a fucking gay club, Joe. That's why. And I don't mean to offend you, but I wouldn't necessarily say that I would be jumping at the chance to be with someone who isn't even sure what the hell he's into. So, no, you're not here because I want anything with you. You're here because I couldn't let you leave like this.
Joe: Like this? What the fuck does that mean?
He couldn't get out complete words out of his mouth. He kept mumbling and he didn't put out complete sentences. That's when I realized I was fighting a losing battle. If he wanted to stay, he would. If he doesn't, the door was fucking open. Id figure out what I'd say to my mom later.
When he saw that I had obviously given up on trying to make him stay, he sat down next to me.
Joe: Im fucked up, aren't I?
I decided I didn't want to say anything else. I wasn't going to argue with someone who was going to forget about everything by the next day. I was done and I was tired. I turned around and started to count sheep to be able to fall asleep. I figured if I went to sleep he would either leave or try to sleep as well.
Joe: I remember everything so clearly now. This asshole who was at the entrance. Umm.. he must have been a she? Im not sure. No, no. It was a man dressed as a woman. He kissed me. He told me I couldn't come in the club unless I kissed him, or her. What the fuck?
Okay, hes finally letting everything out. He had apparently kissed someone at the bar. And this someone happened to be a man dressed up as a woman. What a way to welcome the new year, I thought.
Joe: And there were these people trying to hurt me. They were trying to get me to leave the club. I didn't know why though. I could feel it. They kept following me. And I didn't have any other alternative but to jump from the roof.
Mind you, this club is huge. If we would have actually jumped from the roof, he would have at least some broken bones. But he was perfectly fine.
As those words left his mouth, he looked down at the palms of his hands. I could see there were some tiny scratches but there was no way he would have gotten scratches that small from jumping from the roof. He was hallucinating. What the hell had he taken? Mind you, im not really a drug expert. I don't know which drugs do what and which drugs are for what.
Joe: No, I'm sorry Amanda. I shouldn't be here. Why did you bring me here?
Me: Sh, sh, sh...
I mumbled while I put my finger on his lips. I needed for him to shut up. Either stay and shut up or leave and shut up. Either way, he needed to figure his shit out because I was getting pretty freaking tired.
Me: We'll figure out what happened tomorrow. Please try to sleep.
And without saying another word, we both fell fast asleep. That night I had one of the most vivid dreams I had ever had in my entire life. If I think about it deeply enough, I can still picture and feel everything that happened as if it had happened in real life. It's so hard to explain but it was such an intricate and detailed dream that I thought it might have been some sort of signal.
In the dream, it was me and Joe sitting down in my living room having some drinks. We were talking about work and I even remember we mentioned Jeffrey for some reason. Joe asked me what Jeffrey thought of him. (1st signal, he was asking me about Jeffrey because he was gay as fuck). After that, we proceeded to keep drinking and out of nowhere he stood up and spilled over both glasses we were drinking from. His face got blurry and he turned into a black shadow. I distinctively remember how I felt. I felt hopeless, as if nothing and no one could protect me from that dark force I was standing in front of.
My heart was beating out of my chest and I finally woke up. Joe was still lying next to me on the couch. I turned down to see him and I was basically just waiting for him to turn into that dark shadow in real life too. Could that have been something bigger than just a dream? Should I be more careful with Joe? Is he going to hurt me somehow?