"I will love you, forever," Tess says, wrapping her arms around Soren. He leans against her amicably, his little head pressed against her chest. "But mommy has to go away, maybe forever. Because if she doesn't, somebody really, really awful might come after us. and mommy is the only one who can make him go away."
He nods and looks up at her and she kisses his head. He isn't talking. I said hello to him earlier. She said he didn't talk. And I haven't heard a peep out of him in the entire day we'd been there.
"She loves that kid," Quentin says, from behind me.
"I can't believe she's doing this," I say, turning from the window where I was watching her give her little boy a final goodbye. We are almost ready for take off. Clarisse sits on a stool, fiddling with the helmet we've found for her. She and Tess get helmets, I'll fly without. I have before.
"She's got spirit. She'd probably have done it before, but she didn't have any way of flying," Quentin observes, "Got more than a few tricks up her sleeve."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I wouldn't trust that girl, if I were you, but then again I'm not you," Quentin says, shrugging, "She's her father's daughter, remember that."
"You think she's got another motive?" I ask.
"I think she could have a couple, but I still think she's going to get you where you need to go," he says, shrugging.
"I don't think she's bad," I say.
"And you know that how?" he asks.
"Just a feeling," I say, "I'm going to go and talk to her."
"Go for it," he says.
"Okay," I say.
"You wanna go see some old guns?" he offers Clarisse.
"Sure," she says, eagerly.
"Ris, don't touch anything," I say, going out the door. When I go out, Tess is sitting, watching the little boy play a few feet away in the sand. He is playing with one of those lizards, like the one Quinn had. I almost smile.
"The ship ready, then?" she asks, not looking up.
"May I?" I ask, nodding to the place on the ground next to her.
"Free universe so they say," she says, shrugging.
"Why are you doing this, really?" I ask, sitting down next to me, "You didn't get righteous all of a sudden."
"You think you know a lot, don't you?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.
"I know you love that kid," I say, nodding at the little boy who is laughing as he jumps for a lizard.
"He's Titus' son," she says, flatly.
"What? But you're his----," I break off.
"Yeah, think about that for a while," she scoffs, looking away from me.
"You're his daughter, you said," I say, shaking my head.
"I am," she says, nodding, "And that's his son. And mine."
"You---," I break off again.
"Yeah," she says, nodding, then she looks up at the setting suns off over the mountains, "He didn't rape me. That's what I told Quentin, and the doctors. But it isn't true. I wanted to. I wanted to see if he'd do it. I think he wanted to see if I would. We're kind of messed up. Both of us."
"Why----why are you telling me this?" I ask, repulsed.
"Because I like you. I think you're a good guy. And I figure it isn't so good for me to like people," she says, shrugging again, "Figure you ought to know the truth if we're both gonna die in a couple of hours."
"I don't understand," I say.
"I didn't say I thought you were smart. Anyway, to answer your first question, real answer is: I think it'd be good to get me away from Soren too. Get him around some normal people. Real people who don't think of doing sick stuff just to see if they'll feel bad about it later," Tess said, "I don't think I'd do him any good either. What kind of mother can I be if I slept with my own father? I don't get much about feelings, but I know I shouldn't have done that, by real people standards. And I want him to be a real person. Like you, and the erinaceous girl in there, it looks like fun to be a real person. More fun than being me. It gets pretty miserable, when the happiest, most fun place you can be is inside your own head and no place else. My dad---our dad, he's like that too. And it isn't any good. And I don't want him getting any place near Soren. And hell I'm probably not much better for my kid, truth be told. So that's why it's best we do this."
"You think you're going to die," I say, softly. Suddenly I feel very, very sorry for her.
"No. I don't really. I tend not to think like that. I have a lot of ways I can get out of this without dying," she says, calmly.
"How old are you?" I ask, softly.
"Twenty two," she says, "So yeah, I had Soren when I was sixteen."
"I see," I say.
"No you don't. Sorry if I'm being blunt," she says, "But I decided, when Soren was born, that I was going to try to be a real person. And that means not lying all the time to make me seem normal. And not telling people what they want to hear or what I want them to hear. It means just being me, even if that is obnoxious, and pestilential and refractory and everything. Because I decided it wasn't any good to hide who and what I am."
"Okay," I say, "But, if you're doing that---which sounds really admirable by the way, why are you going with me now? Why disrupt all that and leave him?"
"Because when you showed up, I couldn't help thinking how much fun it would be to go and show Titus I'm not dead, and betray him. Sorry, but fun's the only word for it. it's enticing, it's invigorating, it's mental stimulation and that sort of thing shouldn't be, but it is to me, so I guess I can't change who I am, and make myself normal. And it'd do the world a favor to kill him, so maybe this is what I'm meant for," she says simply.
"I thought I was the only one who thought crazy things like that," I say, half smiling.
"What?" she asks.
"That I'm meant for something greater than what lies in front of me," I say.
"You think this is it for us?" she asks, frowning.
"I don't know, let's go find out," I say, standing up and offering her hand. She does not take it.
"You are pestilential," I say.
"You probably don't even know what that means," she says.
"No, but I know you're it," I say.
**
"Do you think we're going to die?" I ask Alexander, as we watch as Quentin and Tess bicker about how best to---do something that gets the ship ready to fly.
"Probably," he admits, "You know you don't have to come."
"I know," I say, "But you may need the help. And this is a good chance to stop Titus Card."
"Yes, it is," he says, giving me a squeeze around the shoulders, "I want you to know that---I think you are a great Spaceman. You don't need me to show you anything. you have it inside."
"Thank you, sir," I say, with a smile.
"Here, put this on," he says, strapping my helmet on, "It's not much, but it'll give you ten, fifteen minutes of oxygen if we break."
**
"I'm not wearing that, so put it on," Tess says, tossing me hers.
"You're the woman," I say.
"Oh, yes, that's a well reasoned argument," she says, climbing in the gunner's cockpit. We are outside the shack, with the sun setting above us. Quentin backs up and takes the little boy's hand.
"You're the one getting us in," I say.
"You're flying the damn ship. You moron," she says, buckling herself in.
"Point made," I say, strapping it on, "Do you have a plan?"
"I have twelve, several involve stabbing you, now come on," she says.
"Does she have a weapon?" I ask Quentin. I have a my gun on my ankle, Clarisse has my other gun. We are all so going to die.
"Several," Quentin says.
"Right, thanks for the ship," I say, helping Clarisse into the cockpit in front of me.
"Thank you for watching Soren till they come for him," Tess says.
"Don't mention it, you worked for free for a week, I think I'll watch your baby," Quentin says. The little boy waves to us.
"I love you," Tess says, before closing her hatch.
"Bring it back in one piece, or I'm suing your descendants," Quentin says to me. I have no idea if he's joking or not.
"I haven't got any," I say, sliding in and closing the hatch.
"I hope you made him a bad transfer," Clarisse says.
"Of course it was a bad transfer, I haven't got ten thousand," I say.
"Good," Clarisse says, satisfied.
"I have completely corrupted you," I sigh.
"Oh, yes sir," she says.
**
"You're in charge of the investigation?" I ask, standing in the office of the investigator I was sent to. That only took two hours and three phone calls from Commander Hawking saying I had a right to be involved. I had forgotten how much I hate Capital Police.
"Yes, for my sins," he says, leaning back in a chair and typing onto a computer screen. He is in a suit and is wearing dark glasses. Behind them he is handsome, brown hair, sturdy features, a thin shadow, and a fast grin. "James Glenn, and you are?"
"Major General Nicole Tom," I say, just stopping myself from wincing. I hate my own name now.
"Ah yes," he says, smiling a crooked smile. Everybody knows my name.
"Yes, ah yes," I say, darkly.
"Who's your friend?" he asks, looking over my shoulder at Shepherd, who is standing outside wondering what we are doing there, probably because I didn't tell him.
"My body guard, not important---I need you to tell me how close you are to finding Tess Card," I say, "I have clearance—"
"I know, they told me," he says, nodding.
"Well, do you have any idea where she is?" I ask.
"A couple, which we're working on. Why?" he asks.
"She could be our only way to get to Titus Card," I say, "He thinks she's dead."
"I know, she wanted it that way," he says, "And I'll be damned if you or any military asshole comes in here and tries to use some kid in your star games. She's in state custody as of the minute I lay hands on her."
"You can't do that," I say.
"Actually I can, I'm labeling her as mentally incapable of self care, same status as a minor, you bastards can't touch her, game over, out of my office," he says, standing up.
"Here's the game, let me tell you who's running it. Titus Card. He's the game master, he's the one in charge. And his game is kill us slowly, as painfully as possible. You. your kids. You wife your family, everybody you ever me. is going to die a slow death, because of him. And we have one thing, one thing that could possible help us to stop him. and that one thing is her. I don't care if its legal or not, she's ours, and if throwing her to a pack of starving raptors is what will help us to destroy Titus, that is exactly what we are going to do," I say, advancing on him till his face is two inches from mine.
"Well, well, an honest women," he says, laughing. Actually laughing. "No wonder Titus Card loves you."
I slapped him.
He laughed again, putting a hand on his cheek.
"Never say his name," I say, "You never get to say his name."
"Deal," he says, sitting back down in his chair, "You want to leave and get your paperwork and your goons in order?"
"Tell me what you have on the whereabouts of Tess Card," I say, "Now. Or I'll get my orders and you make me wait and lead us all one step closer to dying."
"Looks like we are already," he muses, looking at his computer screen.
"What?" I ask.
"Tess just contacted her mother, sent a message to the message center," he says, typing rapidly, "Asking her to take care of her son please for her, gives where he can be found. Sounds like she doesn't think she'll be around which equals Titus involvement if you ask me which remarkably no one did."
"What do you think she's doing?" I ask.
"Don't know yet, but let's go get the kid and find out," he says, standing up, "I'm going with Shannon there, I suppose I can't stop you?"
"No," I say, following him out of the office, "Shepherd, come on."
"Where is it you're going?" he asks, following us both.
"I don't know," I said.
"Hell according to my mother," Glenn quips, pressing buttons for the lift.
"What is wrong with you people?" Shepherd asks, "Why can't one of you give a straight answer?"
"That actually was one: I don't know," I said.
"Carditis, when a large group of people are under the influence of the actions of Titus Card," Glenn says.
"His puppets," I whisper, but neither of them notice.
**
When you wake up at the end of the day and nobody cares, that's when you start thinking about things. I decide. That's when your mind starts really working. And you find out you're alone. I hate being alone. I never knew that before. I thought it was all okay. I thought everything was okay. Just fine. The world worked right. Ha not so. that's so funny. I bet Kepler spins backwards. I'll bet it does. That'd explain things.
Because waking up alone, looking at the ceiling with nothing to hold onto. I want to fade away. I want to disappear into nothing and be glad about it. because Quinn isn't here anymore. He left. I don't remember why. But I think it was because he was lonely. And I'm the only one here. And I hate it. I wanted him to take me with him. but he didn't. I'm glad he got out thought. That's okay. So long as he's okay. Something is good in here. I don't remember where here is. I've been really confused for a long time and now I'm thinking about things and they're different. They're very different.
You'd be amazed.
How time changes.
It all goes different, clockwise and up down. Nothing looks the same. It's odd I never thought about these things before. But now that I'm thinking about them they make perfect sense. I'm so glad it works out like that. but I really am lonely here.
**
My ear piece buzzes. Under the present circumstances, I almost don't answer.
Almost.
"Tess," was all she said.
"Yeah, I saw, I'm on my way," I say, stopping the lift on the appropriate level, "Don't leave your apartment without me, I'll be there in under five minutes."
"What does this mean---what the hell is going on, James? What's happening to her? She thinks she's going to die," she says, she sounds angry, not crying. Angry. That was not good from somebody with a history of violence. Oh well.
"I don't know, but we're going to go and find out, when we know where she's staying, we'll know more," I say, calmly.
"What if that's too late?" she asks, "What are you going to do then?"
"Not let it be too late, wait for me," I say, hanging up.
"That was the mother?" Major Tom asks.
"Yes," I say, briefly, glancing at the burly military guy who does not appreciate my wit.
"You really have no idea what's going on, do you?" Major Tom asks.
"I'm getting some," I say.
"Titus is behind this somehow, isn't he?" Major Tom asks, she thinks I know something. let her think it.
"Probably," I say. I'm probably right.
**
I'm back in the hotel room. I was on leave, that was nice. We stayed in a hotel in the middle of the Capital. White crisp sheets. Big windows that let in loads of sun. these curtain things around the bed that drifted in the wind from the window I'd left open all night. The smell of the wind clean off the mountains. It was a cool breeze, as I remember it.
I woke up slowly, my eyes drifting open then closed again. then I rolled over and put my arm around him gently as he slept, inhaling the smell of his hair. His back was smooth, muscles clearly visible beneath the pale skin. He stayed sleeping, I settled back into a doze. No need to wake up, nowhere to go. Nobody to find us. not lonely, not anymore.
"Quinn," he says, rolling over and putting a hand on my face.
"Don't, I want to sleep," I say, somehow I know if I shake off this weariness I'll never rest again.
"Quinn, you need to wake up," he says.
"I don't want to," I say, stroking his red hair, "I want to stay here with you."
"You can't," he says, sitting up and over me, looking down, a smile on his thin lips, "You have to wake up and be strong for me."
"What if I can't?" I ask.
"You can, you have to live for both of us," he says, kissing his hand then putting it to my lips, "It's only you now. just you."
"I want to stay here, forever," I say, sitting up as well.
"Here was only a day, one beautiful day that we had, together, before it all got taken away," he says, putting his hand on my face.
"I love you," I say, holding his hand to my skin. I can feel myself crying.
"Go now, you must be strong, Alexander is coming for you, you must wait for him," he says.
"Terrance, don't go. Don't leave me," I say, reaching out to hold him close to me. He hugs be back, tightly.
"I'm already gone," he says. Then he kisses my lips. And he is gone again.