"I'm afraid your services won't be required here, sir."
Mara, Dipper, and Mabel were watching their favorite TV show, Ducktective.
Mabel and Dipper were sitting on the floor while Mara was hanging off the couch upside down.
Mabel was knitting a sweater while she was watching, and there was a bowl of popcorn was between the three of them.
During the climax of the Ducktective episode, Mabel reached towards it for some more and Dipper slapped her hand away.
"My men have examined this case and this is obviously an accident" the police officer on the tv said to the duck wearing a detective hat, gesturing towards a dead body in a telephone booth.
The duck got a closer look of the body. He quacked,
"An accident, constable, or is it...murder?!"
"What?!" the police officer exclaimed.
'Ducktective will return after these messages' said the TV.
Mabel dropped her knitting needles.
"That duck is a genius!" she said in admiration.
"Eh, it's easier to find clues when you're closer to the ground" Dipper said casually while Mara shoved some more popcorn into her mouth.
"Are you saying that you could outwit ducktective?" Mabel asked in disbelief.
"Any idiot can outwit ducktective" Mara said with her mouth full of popcorn. She forced herself to swallow. "Please, a body in a telephone booth with its arm still reaching up in agony? How is that not murder?"
Dipper nodded in agreement.
"Besides, I have very keen powers of observation." he said "For example, just by smelling your breath I can tell that you have been eating..."
he sniffed.
"...an entire tube of toothpaste?" He asked questionably, looking suspiciously at his sister.
"It was so sparkly!" said Mabel guiltily.
"So that's where all the toothpaste has been disappearing!" Mara exclaimed. "I was wondering why we were running out of that stuff so quickly."
"Hey, dudes!" said Soos, appearing suddenly at the door to the tv room. "You'll never guess what I found!" "Buried treasure!" Dipper exclaimed excitedly.
"Buried..." both Mara and Mabel said at the same time.
"Hey, I was gonna say that!" they both said at the same time, chuckling and giving their brother a light shove.
"So I was cleaning up when I found this secret door behind the wallpaper. It's crazy bonkers creepy!" He paused for dramatic effect.
"What's in it?" Mara asked eagerly. "Open it!"
Soos swung the door open to reveal an entire room full of what looked like...wax statues?
"Whoa!" Dipper said, looking around with a flashlight.
"It's a secret wax museum!"
"Does anybody else get the creepy feeling that we're being constantly watched?" asked Mara uneasily as she looked around at the creepy wax figures.
"It must be because these wax statues look so life-like!" said Mabel.
"Except for that one" Dipper said, shining his flashlight on a wax figure that was an exact replica of Grunkle Stan.
"Hello!" it said.
"Aaahhhh!"
Everyone jumped back in surprise.
Stan laughed.
"It's just me, you're Grunkle Stan!"
Everyone screamed again, and started to make their way towards the door.
"Behold the Gravity Falls wax museum!" Grunkle Stan said, turning on the light in the room.
"It was one of our most popular attractions, before I forgot all about it. I got them all: Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes...some kind of creepy goblin man. And now my personal favorite: wax Abraham Lincoln!" he said, gesturing towards a pile of goop on the ground.
He panicked.
"Oh no, come on! Who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction!" he said, pointing accusingly at another wax figurine.
"Well someone's been spending way too much time by himself" Mara said sarcastically.
Stan shot a glare at her before bending down to look at the remains of wax Abe.
He sighed.
"How do you fix a wax figure?"
Mabel walked up next to him.
"Aw, cheer up, Grunkle Stan! Where's that smile?"
"Meh" he replied.
Mabel started poking his face.
"Beep, bop, boop!"
"Ow."
"Don't worry, I'll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax!" Mabel said.
"You really think you can make one of these puppies?" Stan asked.
"Grunkle Stan, I'm an arts and crafts master! Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my sweater?"
Mabel held up her arm to show a glue gun stuck to the sleeve.
"Because you fell asleep in the middle of using it" Mara said.
Later that day, Mabel was working on the wax statue. In the room in front of her was a huge block of wax. Dipper and Mara walked into the room to check on their sister.
Dipper was drinking a can of Pitt cola.
Mabel seemed to still be deciding what she should carve the wax statue of.
"Hey, Mara! Dipper! What do you guys think of my design?" she held up a sketchpad with a freaky picture of a girl combined with a horse. "It's part fairy princess, and part horse fairy princess!"
"Uh..." Mara said, unsure of what to say.
"Maybe you should carve something from real life?" Dipper asked.
Mabel flipped to another page in her sketchpad.
"A waffle with big arms!"
"Um, why don't you carve a real person, like all the other wax statues in Stan's collection" Mara suggested. "Yeah" Dipper said, agreeing with that idea. "Like, how about someone from your family?"
"Hmmm..."
"Kids, have you seen my pants?" Grunkle Stan said, walking into the room fully dressed in his usual suit except with his casual blue boxers instead of his dress pants.
He placed his foot on top of a nearby box while he looked around the room for his pants.
Mara snickered, and Stan turned towards her and sighed.
"Mara, this is not funny. What did you do with my pants?"
"Oh, muse, you work in such mysterious ways!" Mabel said excitedly, her eyes full of inspiration as she looked up in wonder.
"Why is your sister talking to the ceiling?" Stan asked Mara and Dipper.
Mabel got straight to work on the wax statue, and Mara had to admire her sister's handiwork.
The wax statue was really starting to look an awful lot like their Grunkle Stan. There were times during those long hours when Mabel was getting tired, so Mara would stop by and bring her a snack, often keeping her sister company until she was ready to get back to work.
"You need any help?" Mara asked as Mabel got up and made her way towards the statue again.
Mabel winced.
"Sorry, Mara, no offense, but the last time you made something, it blew up."
"You may need to specify that time" Mara said, shoving her sister very lightly in a joking matter. "I've made a lot of things blow up during the twelve years of my life. Now if you excuse me, I've got another invention to work on which will probably end up blowing up as well."
Mabel giggled, and the two girls parted ways.
Mabel was finally done with the wax statue, and she stepped back to examine it. She had called Soos, Mara, and Dipper into the room to see her work.
"Hmm...I think it needs more glitter" Mabel said.
"Agreed" said Soos, handing her a bucket full of pink glitter.
She flung the glitter all over the wax statue.
Just then, Stan entered the room, wearing his pants.
"I found my pants" he said. "It took me a while to get them down from the top of the totem pole's beak" Stan said, glaring at Mara.
"But I managed. But now I'm missing my..." he stopped in his tracks as he caught sight of Mabel's wax statue.
He jumped back in surprise and let out a surprised gasp as he fell backward.
"So, what do you think?" Mabel said as the four of them bent over Grunkle Stan.
"I think the wax museum is back in business!" he said excitedly.
At the Wax Museum of Mystery Grand Re-Opening, Dipper and Wendy were at the table taking money for admissions from all the people who had arrived.
Mara walked up to the table drinking a can of Pitt Cola.
"Look at all these people" she said to her brother. "I haven't seen this many people here since the time Mabel broke the record for most gummy worms shoved up a nose."
"I know, right?" Dipper replied. "I can't believe this many people showed up."
"Your uncle probably bribed them or something" said Wendy to the two kids.
"He bribed me" said Mara, taking the money that Stan had given her earlier out of her pocket. Wendy and Dipper did the same, and the three of them chuckled.
"Wait, you got a twenty dollar bill?" Dipper said, looking at the picture of Andrew Jackson on Mara's dollar. She nodded proudly.
"He paid me extra to hang that sign" she said, pointing to the "Wax Museum of Mystery Grand Re-Opening" sign that was hung between two tall poles.
"How did you even get that up there?" he asked.
Mara grinned.
"I used a combination of parkour, a forklift that I 'borrowed', and these rocket boots" she said, showing Dipper and Wendy the boots she was wearing.
She clicked the heel of one of them, and the bottom of the boot started glowing an orange glow.
"They run on Pitt Cola this time, so they haven't blown up yet!"
Dipper and Wendy chuckled.
Just then, the ceremony started.
Grunkle Stan turned on the microphone and started speaking.
"You all know me folks. Town Darling, Mr. Mystery. Please, ladies, control yourselves!" He said, speaking to a group of grumpy looking old ladies with flies buzzing around them.
Mara rolled her eyes while Dipper groaned.
"But enough about me. Behold...Me!"
He pulled back the tarp to reveal the wax statue of himself.
"Yeah!" Soos pressed the keyboard key to say that, and he pressed it several times more before the ceremony went on.
"This was made by our own, Mabelangelo!" Grunkle Stan said, presenting his niece and handing her the microphone.
"It's just Mabel" she said. "Thank you all for coming! I created this statue with my own two hands. It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other body fluids."
The crowd recoiled in disgust.
"Yeah" said Mabel. "Anyways, can I take any questions?"
The crazy old man from the dock raised his hand.
"Old man McGucket, town kook, are the wax statues alive, and follow up question, will I survive the wax statue uprising?"
Mabel laughed nervously.
"Yeah...uh...next question!"
A short man with a hat and glasses holding a newspaper extended a microphone towards Mabel.
"Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper, do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?"
"Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby" said Stan.
"It certainly is" said Toby sadly.
"Next question!" said Stan.
"Chandra Jiminez, a real reporter, your flyers promised free pizza for admission, is this true?" she asked rudely, holding up a flyer that Stan had made.
"So that's how he bribed them" Mara whispered to Dipper.
"Uh, that was a typo" Stan said.
He held up a smoke bomb.
"Goodnight everyone!"
He threw it down and disappeared just as the crowd was starting to riot.
He ran past the table, snatching the box of cash on it.
People were so angry that they were knocking over chairs and destroying stuff. A burly red-haired lumberjack punched one of the poles that was holding up the banner.
"Hey!" Mara protested angrily, starting toward the lumberjack.
He turned around in Mara's direction still in a fury, but she didn't back down.
"Do you have any idea how long that took to-"
Dipper grabbed his sister and put his hand over her mouth, pulling her away as she angrily fought against him.
When the lumberjack had finally decided to leave, Dipper let her go.
"Are you trying to pick a fight with the toughest people in this town or something?" he asked.
Mara shrugged, letting the anger slide off her.
"I just wanted to give that inconsiderate jerk a piece of my mind. It took three hours to get the poles up and hang up the sign."
The angry people were starting to leave, furious over the loss of their pizza. Mabel walked up to the table with a smile on her face.
"I think that went well."
"Hot pumpkin pie, look at tall this cash!" Grunkle Stan said later that night, running his finger over the wad of cash he had gotten from the ceremony.
"And I owe it all to one person..."
Mabel looked up hopefully at him.
"This guy!" Stan said, gesturing towards the wax replica of himself.
Mabel gave him a light punch.
"Oh, and you too, you little gremlin" he said, ruffling her hair. "Now you kids go wash up. We've got a long day of selling fake merchandise tomorrow, go go!" He said, herding the triplets up the stairs. When he was done, he put his arm on wax Stan's shoulder and sighed.
"Kids."
"Well ducktective, it seems you really quacked the case" said the police officer to ducktective on the TV. "Don't patronize me" quacked the duck.
Stan started laughing, his arm was slung around wax Stan's shoulders.
"Stupid duck. Well, I'm gonna go use the john" he said, getting up and leaving wax Stan on the couch. "You need anything?"
The wax figure said nothing.
"Ha! I love this guy!" he said, heading towards the bathroom.
He was just opening the door to the restroom.
"You really need to get out more" someone suddenly said.
Stan jumped in surprise and turned around to see Mara standing there.
"Talking to a wax replica of yourself as if it's a real person? I mean seriously, did you have any friends before we came here?"
"Mara? I thought I told you to go to bed."
"Which is exactly why I'm out of bed. Besides, I'm hungry. I didn't get any of the pizza your fliers promised."
Stan groaned. She sounded particularly snippy today.
"Look, kid, I've really gotta use the john, and I'd really enjoy it if you just washed up and went to bed like the others."
She didn't budge.
Stan shot the meanest glare that he had at her.
"Now, or else I'm gonna give you display duty when the Shack opens up tomorrow."
Mara flinched, knowing exactly what "display duty" was.
She shot one last glare at him before walking as slowly as she possibly could up the stairs.
Stan groaned in irritation as he entered the bathroom. Was that kid purposely trying to pick a fight with him?
Dipper, Mara, and Mabel were brushing their teeth in the bathroom upstairs.
"Wanna make a toothbrush face?" Mabel asked her siblings.
"Sure" Mara shrugged
"Ok" Dipper said, and they were all about to do so when suddenly:
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Grunkle Stan screamed.
The triplets did their best to hurry up and get downstairs to see what had happened.
They all gasped in shock when they saw the scene in front of them: Wax Stan was laying decapitated on the floor, and his head was nowhere to be seen.
"What happened?" Mara asked.
"Wax Stan" Stan sad sadly. "He's been...murdered!"
Mabel fainted, and Dipper and Mara caught their sister, each holding her by one of her arms.
The police came a few minutes later, investigating the crime scene.
"I get up to use the John, right, and when I came back, blamo!" Stan said, reenacting the scene. "His head is gone!"
"My expert handcraft, besmirched" Mabel said sadly. "Besmirched!"
Dipper hugged his sister.
"What kind of jerk would do something like this?" Mara asked, incensed that someone would destroy her sister's hard work. She knew exactly how that felt.
"Look, I'm sorry to break it to you" said the fat police man. "But this case in unsolvable."
"What?!" the four of you exclaimed.
"You take that back, Sheriff Blubbs!" Stan yelled.
"You're kidding me, right?" Dipper said. "There must be evidence, motives. I could help you solve the case!" "He's really good at this stuff" said Mara.
"Yeah, he figured out who was eating all our tin cans!" Mabel added.
"All signs pointed to the goat" said Dipper.
"Yeah, yeah, let the boy help!" said Stan. "He's got a little brain up in his head."
"Woo, would you look at that" Blubbs said. "City boy thinks he's gonna solve a mystery with his fancy computer-phone!"
"City-boy! City-boy!" the other officer chimed.
"You are adorable!" said Blubbs.
"That's my brother you're mocking, you jerks!" Mara bursted out angrily, not even thinking before she spoke. "I bet he could solve the case before you can even get up off your lazy butts, so stop laughing and take him seriously, you morons!"
Before the cops could respond, Blubb's walkie talkie went off.
"Attention, all units, Steve is going to fit an entire cantaloupe in his mouth, repeat, an entire cantaloupe in his mouth."
One of the officers ran off towards the car excitedly.
"It's a 23-16!" he called out eagerly.
Blubbs was about to leave, but turned one last time.
"Just leave the case-solving the grown ups, kids."
Then he gestured in Mara's direction.
"And tell that little girl to watch her mouth."
And with that, he ran out the door to the police car parked outside the Mystery Shack, and left.
Dipper was furious.
"That's it! Mara, you, Mabel, and I are going to find the jerk who did this and get that head back" He said, putting one arm around Mabel and the other around Mara
"And we'll see who's adorable."
Just then, he sneezed, a tiny little squeak which totally ruined his statement.
"Aw! You sneeze like a kitten!" Mabel said.
The next morning, the triplets were up early to start the case. Mara had wrapped toilet paper around the crime scene with the words "Crime scene, do not enter" written on it.
Dipper was now examining the body while Mabel took pictures with a disposable camera and Mara pinned pictures of the suspects on a board.
"There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling. The murderer could have been anyone."
"Even us!" said Mabel.
Dipper took out the book.
"In this town, anything can happen. Could have been zombies, ghost vampires, could be months before we find our first clue."
"Hey look, a clue!" Mara said, pointing at the carpet.
Dipper and Mabel examined what she had found.
"Footprints in the shag carpet!"
"And they have a hole in them. That's weird" said Mabel.
The triplets started following the trail of footprints.
"And they're leading too..." Dipper gasped, as an axe behind the couch came into view.
"So what do you think?" asked Dipper to Soos, as Soos examined the evidence.
"In my opinion, it's an axe" said Soos.
"What a minute" said Mara, finally remembering where she had last seen an axe.
"That jerk who ruined my sign!"
"The Lumberjack!" the triplets said at the same time.
"He was furious when he didn't get that free pizza!" said Dipper.
"Furious enough for murder!" said Mabel.
"And furious enough to snap the pole that I had worked so hard to stand up!" said Mara, her voice dripping with bitterness.
"Oh yeah, Manly Dan?" Soos asked. "Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy biker joint downtown."
"Then that's where we're going" said Mabel intensely.
"Dude, this is awesome!" said Soos. "You dudes are like the Mystery Triplets."
"Don't call us that."
The kids walked out of the shack and started to make their way to town. They passed by Grunkle Stan. "Hey, give me a hand with this coffin" he said gruffly. "I'm doing a memorial service for wax Stan. Something small, but classy."
He dropped the coffin and sighed in exhaustion.
"Sorry, Grunkle Stan, we've got a major break in the case!" said Dipper.
"Break in the case!" Mabel repeated.
"We're heading into town to interrogate the murder" said Mara.
Mabel took the axe out of Dipper's backpack.
"We have an axe! Ree, ree, ree!"
"Hmm, this sounds like something a responsible parent wouldn't want you doing" said Stan. "Good thing I'm an uncle!"
He put one foot on the coffin and held his fist up into the air.
"Avenge me, kids, AVENGE ME!!!!"
The triplets managed to make it into town, where they were sneaking behind a building to try and get a peek at the biker joint they needed to enter.
"This is the place" said Dipper.
He turned towards Mabel.
"Got the fake IDs?"
She handed Dipper and Mara theirs.
"Alright, let's do this" he said.
"Sorry, but we don't serve miners" said the bulky man at the front.
"Aw, dagnabbit!" the miner who had been trying to enter said.
He spit on the ground before heading for another direction.
The triplets walked up to bulky man.
"We're here to interrogate Manly Dan for the murder of wax Stan" said Mabel as the triplets held up their IDs. They were all pictures of the triplets with googly eyes and stickers glued to them.
Mabel had changed their names to Sir Dippingsauce, Lady Mabelton, and Madam Maraella.
"Works for me" said the man, and he opened the door and let the three kids in.
"Mabel, you could have at least let me make the fake IDs" said Mara as they entered the rowdy pub. "I could've programmed my computer to create authentic IDs with the hidden seal and everything."
"Well, they got us in, didn't they?" Mabel replied as they walked cautiously, following Dipper's lead as they made their way through the violent joint filled with fighting men.
Mara was holding Mabel's hand the entire time protectively to make sure that her sister was safe, and also to make sure that she didn't wander off. Mabel walked over the feet of someone who was lying on the ground. "Oh my gosh, a dead person!" Mara exclaimed.
"He's just resting" said Mabel.
"Ok, lets just try to blend in" said Dipper, as he and Mara walked over towards Manly Dan.
"You've got it Dippingsauce!" said Mabel, who slipped her hand from Mara's grip and sat on a chair across from a tough-looking biker.
"Hey there, fellow restaurant patron!" she said cheerfully.
Mara and Dipper made their way towards Manly Dan, who was arm wrestling a machine.
"Ok, Dipper, lets keep this subtle. Let's not lead him on about the fact that we're interrogating him" said Mara. "Got it" said Dipper, as he approached Manly Dan.
"Manly Dan, just the guy I wanted to see" he said with a detective-like tone.
Mara face palmed.
"Where were you last night?" Dipper continued.
"Punching the clock!" Dan replied.
"You were at work?" Mara asked.
"No, I was punching that clock!" Manly Dan pointed at a clock on a post, which was now bent over.
"10:00, the time of the murder" Dipper said, confused.
"So you've never seen this axe before?"
Mara pulled out the axe from Dipper's backpack.
"Listen, little girl, I wouldn't pick my teeth with that axe. It's left-handed. I only use my right hand. The manly hand!"
Manly Dan ripped the arm-wrestling machine's arm off, using it to attack the machine.
"Get 'em, get 'em!" a man with a green hat said eagerly.
He paused and then turned back towards Mara, squinting at her, then his eyes widened in recognition.
"Wait a second, I know you! You're that little girl from earlier who was about to pick a fight with me. You're lucky your brother was there to hold you back, otherwise I would have pulverized you!" Dan growled.
Mara's face was now contorted with anger.
"Oh yeah? We'll see about that."
She started to storm towards the hulking lumberjack, but Dipper managed to pull her away before she got a chance to fight him.
"Mara, now's not the time to start a fight" said Dipper. "We've got a lead!"
Mara seemed to have cooled down as he pulled her across.
"That will help narrow down the list of suspects, since most people are right-handed, right?" she asked. "Yeah! Now let's get Mabel and get out of here."
"What, where's Mabel?" Mara asked with a panicking tone, looking at the hand that had previously held Mabel's hand. "I forgot all about her!"
"Three, four, five, six!" The two kids turned to see Mabel sitting next to a buff biker holding a paper fortune-teller.
Mabel gasped.
"Your wife is gonna be beautiful!"
"Yes!" said the biker.
"Mabel, we've got a big break in the case, come on!" said Dipper as Mara grabbed Mabel's hand and the three of them hurried out of the biker joint.
"But will she love me?" the biker called out after them.
"It's a left-handed axe. These are all our suspects. Manly Dan is right handed, meaning that all we have to do is find our left-handed suspect, and we've got our killer!"
"Yes! We are on fire today!" said Mabel.
"But how exactly are we gonna do that? We can't just walk up to all the suspects and ask them if they're right or left-handed" Mara pointed out.
The triplets spent the rest of the afternoon testing each of the suspects in different ways, including throwing a baseball, having them sign for a fake package, and simply waving at them, and all of them had been tested to be left-handed; except for a guy who had casts around both hands.
"Why did we even bother to go to his house?" Mara questioned as Dipper went through the list of suspects. He gasped.
"Mara, Mabel, there's only one suspect left on this list!" He excitedly showed his sisters the last suspect on the list.
"Of course!" exclaimed Mabel.
"It all adds up" said Mara.
That night, the triplets had called the police, and headed towards the suspect's store. Everyone got out of the car quickly and stopped at the door to the store.
"You kids better be right about this" said Blubbs. "Or you'll never hear the end of it."
"All the evidence points to this suspect" said Dipper confidently. "It's irrefutable!"
"Irrefutable!" Mabel repeated.
"Mabel, do you even know what that word means?" asked Mara.
The skinny police officer looked really excited.
"I get to use my knife-stick!" he said eagerly, jumping up and down.
"You sure do!" Blubbs encouraged, talking as if he were talking to a three-year-old.
"And these are the professionals?" said Mara sarcastically.
"On three" said Dipper. "One...two...three!!"
The police officers kicked the door open, and the five of them flooded into the store.
"Don't move!" yelled Blubbs. "This is a raid!"
They approached the suspect, who was none other than Toby Determined.
"What is this, some sort of raid?" Toby asked as the skinny officer knocked a lamp off the table.
"Toby Determined, you are under arrest for the murder of wax Stan!" Dipper declared.
"You have the right to remain silent" said Mara.
"And the right to be impressed with our awesome detective work" said Mabel, high-fiving Mara and Dipper.
"Gobbling, goose feathers, I don't understand!" Toby exclaimed.
"Then allow me to explain" said Dipper. "You were hoping that Grunkle Stan's wax figurine would be the story that saved your failing newspaper. But when the show was a flop, you decided to go and make your own head-line. But you were sloppy, and all the clues led to a shabby-shoed reporter who was caught left-handed."
"Toby Determined, you're yesterday's news" said Mabel smugly, crumpling up the newspaper and throwing it away.
"You have anything to say for yourself?" asked Mara.
"Boy your heads must be sore" said Toby. "For jumping to conclusions! Ha cha cha cha! I had nothing to do with that murder!"
"Ah ha!" Dipper said.
"Wait what?" the triplets all asked.
"Then where were you the night of the break in?" Blubbs asked.
"Finally we're alone, cardboard cut-out of female reporter, Chandra Jiminez!" said Toby in the security camera footage that the six of them were watching.
He then started kissing the cardboard cut-out.
"Ew! Gross!" everyone exclaimed in horror as they watched the horrendous tape.
"Well, I'm scarred for life" said Mara.
"Time stamp confirms it. Toby Determined, you're off the hook, you freak of nature" said Blubbs.
"Hurray!" said Toby.
"But it has to be him. Check the axe for fingerprints" said Dipper.
"Wait, why didn't we do that before we wasted a whole afternoon trying to find someone who was left-handed?" Mara questioned.
Mabel shrugged.
"I guess it didn't occur to us at the time."
The policemen examined the axe handle.
"No fingerprints."
"No Fingerprints? How is that even possible?" said Mara.
"Hey, I've got a new headline for you" said the skinny officer. "City kids waste everyone's time."
Everyone started laughing at the three triplets.
Dipper was rubbing his arm, while Mabel was rubbing the back of her head, and Mara had her hands sheepishly behind her back while she looked down at the ground.
"Boy, I'd be pretty embarrassed right now if I was you three!" said Toby Determined as the security footage of him kissing cardboard cutout Chandra Jiminez was still rolling.
The triplets were now sitting defeatedly in the front row at wax Stan's funeral, which was in the hidden room Soos had found earlier.
Stan walked up to the podium sadly.
"Kids, Soos, lifeless wax-figures" he said. "Thank you all for coming."
Soos blew his nose.
Stan continued.
"Some people might say that it's wrong for a man to love a wax-replica of himself."
"They're wrong!" Soos agreed, as he stood up in his seat.
"Easy there, Soos" Grunkle Stan said. He looked at the coffin where wax Stan was laying.
"Wax Stan, I hope you're picking pockets in wax heaven" he started tearing up. "I'm sorry, I've got glitter in my eye!"
And with that, Grunkle Stan ran out of the room, crying. Soos ran after him.
Dipper sighed defeatedly.
"Those cops were right about me."
"Dipper" said Mabel. "We've come so far."
"Yeah, she's right" said Mara. "We can't give up now."
"But I've considered everything!" said Dipper, getting up out of his seat and walking over to wax Stan's coffin. "The weapon, the clues, the motives...wax Stan has a hole in his shoe."
"All the wax guys have that. It's where the pole-thingy attaches to the stand thingy" said Mabel.
"Wait a second" said Dipper. "What has holes in its shoes and no fingerprints?"
Mara saw exactly where this was going, and everything clicked into place.
"Mabel!" Mara exclaimed. "The murderers are..."
"Standing right behind you?" a new voice cut her off.
The triplets turned in horror to see the wax figures coming to life, getting up out of their seats and starting to walk over to the kids. It seemed that wax Sherlock Holmes was the one talking.
The triplets gasped alarm.
"Wax Sherlock Holmes!" said Dipper. "Wax Shakespeare! Wax Coolio?"
"Thank you for stating the obvious" said Mara.
"What's up, Holmes?" wax Coolio said.
One of the statues grabbed the axe out of Mabel's arms.
"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" said Mabel, backing away behind Dipper, who put his arms protectively in front of Mabel and Mara.
"Congratulations, my three amateur sleuths" said wax Holmes. "You've unburied the truth. And now we're going to bury you."
"Bravo, Dipper, Mara, and Mabel Pines!" Holmes continued. "You've discovered our little secret" He said, reaching into his coat and taking something out of it: Wax Stan's head.
The triplets gasped.
"Wait, how did you even get that big thing to fit in there so unnoticeably?" Mara asked.
Holmes ignored her, and turned towards the other wax figures.
"Applaud, everyone, applaud sarcastically!"
The other wax statues started applauding eagerly with smiles on their faces.
"Uh, no, that sounds too sincere, clap slower."
The wax statues clapped slower and wiped the smiles off their faces.
"There we go. Nice and condescending."
"But how is this possible? You're made of wax!" said Dipper.
"Dipper, think about what you said earlier today" said Mara "In this town, anything can happen" she said, mimicking Dipper's exact words in his voice that he had indeed said earlier.
"The little girl is correct" said Holmes.
"Are you magic?" asked Mabel hopefully.
"Magic?" Holmes started laughing as he turned towards the others. "She wants to know if we're magic!" Holmes punched the side of the coffin suddenly, and the triplets all gasped in surprise.
"We're cursed!"
"Cursed!" the other wax figurines chanted.
"We're cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing. Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale."
"A haunted garage sale, son!" said wax Coolio.
"And so the Mystery Shack wax collections as born" said Holmes.
"By day we would be the playthings of man, but when your uncle went to sleep, we became the rulers of the night!" said wax Coolio.
"It was a charmed life for us cursed beings, that is until your uncle closed up shop. We've been waiting ten years to get our revenge on Stan for locking us away, but we got the wrong guy."
"Wait, so you wanted to decapitate our uncle?!" Mara exclaimed.
"You were trying to murder Grunkle Stan for real?!" Dipper exclaimed.
"You were right all along, Mara, wax people are creepy!" exclaimed Mabel.
"Enough. Now that you know our secret, you must die!" said Holmes, as his eyes rolled back creepily into his head.
The same thing happened to the other wax statues as they approached the triplets, closing around them so that they couldn't escape.
Dipper, Mabel, and Mara backed up into the table full of funeral foods and refreshments.
"What do we do, what do we do?!" Mabel asked with a panicking tone.
"I don't know!" said Dipper, reaching back and starting to throw plates and silverware at the statues.
It didn't seem to be stopping them though.
"Wait, guys, they're made of wax! Wax melts!" said Mara, grabbing two electronic candles and handing them to her siblings.
She clicked her heels together and her rocket boots came to life.
"Great idea, Mara!" said Mabel. "We can melt them with hotty melty things!"
Dipper and Mabel held out their candles while Mara used her rocket boots to hover off the ground, the three of them starting to approach the wax statues.
The figurines starting backing up in fear.
"You really think you can defeat us?" Holmes asked.
"Eh, I guess" said Dipper.
"It's worth a shot" said Mabel.
"We can try" said Mara.
"So be it" said Holmes. "Attack!"
Two statues approached Mabel, who decapitated one of them using the candle, causing the other one to back away. She was attacked from behind by wax Shakespeare, and she whipped her arms around and cut off his arms.
He ran off in a panic, but his arms were still there. One of them grabbed her around the throat.
Mabel dropped her candle as it choked her, and hurried to the door, where she started slamming the arm's fingers in the door.
"Interview this, Larry King!" said Dipper, angrily decapitating wax Larry King.
"My neck! My beautiful neck!" cried out wax King as he ran away in fear.
One of the wax figures tried to grab the candle from Dipper, but ended up melting his hand in the process. Dipper pulled away, and sliced the wax figurine's across the middle.
"Joke's on you, Groucho!" he said.
"I've heard about a cutting remark, but this is ridiculous" said the wax figurine as his top half slid down to the floor. "Why is there nothing in my hand?"
"Dipper, behind you!" Mara cried out, and Dipper turned to see a wax Genghis Khan charging right toward him.
He dove out of the way, and wax Khan dove right into the fireplace.
"Ha!" Dipper said. "You fell harder than the...uh, I don't know, gin dynasty? I don't know, ok" he said as he got up and started fighting more statues.
Mara was flying around, holding out her feet in front of any wax figure who dared to come at her. She landed on the ground, and two wax figures attacked her. She swung her leg underneath one wax figure, the heat of her boot causing both of his legs to melt away while she finished him off. The other wax figure grabbed her by the back of her shirt.
Mara swung her legs up and flipped upward, holding her feet up to the wax figure's face. He let go of her, allowing her to finish the backwards flip in the air and land on her feet.
The other wax statues who had been previously coming after her started running away in fear.
Mabel was swinging around a decapitated wax Coolio's head by its hair to hit the other wax statues who were surrounding her. They were all knocked to the ground.
"Dipper, watch out!" Mabel yelled as Dipper kicked another statue in the foot.
Dipper turned to see wax Holmes approaching him, still holding wax Stan's head. He stuck wax Stan's head on a taxidermy rhino head's horn that was hanging on the wall, and grabbed a sword that was on the wall as well.
"Alright, let's get this taken care of" he said, using his sword to break Dipper's candle.
Just then as Holmes was bringing down his sword, Mara stepped out protectively in front of her brother, swinging her leg up in a rounded kick and melting the arm that was holding the sword off of Holmes.
His sword was now detached from the elbow down.
He simply reached down and grabbed the sword in his other hand.
"I'm ambidextrous, silly girl" he said, as he swung the sword.
Mara flew upwards and held her rocket boots up to Holmes's face.
As he screamed, he swung his sword toward her, and Mara flew upwards in an attempt to avoid it, and heard the sound of metal against metal.
She looked down and saw that Holmes's sword had destroyed her rocket boots, and she came tumbling downward, landing right in front of Holmes.
"Oh, come on! Just when I thought one of my inventions was actually going to survive!"
Holmes, with one mutilated eye sticking out of his melted face, bent downward and picked her up by the throat, lifting her up off the ground.
Mara tried kicking him, but he was holding her away from his body, and she was running out of oxygen.
"I swear, you little brat, I will end you!"
He threw her hard against the wall, and Mara screamed in pain at the impact, then went still as her body fell limp the ground.
Mabel hurried over to Mara's body.
"HEY! Leave my sister alone!" Dipper yelled, making his way towards Holmes.
He didn't need to. Holmes was already approaching him, sword in hand.
"Dipper, catch!" Mabel yelled throwing a hot poker toward her brother.
Dipper caught it and used it to protect himself against the sword.
Unfortunately, Holmes seemed to be an expert swordsman.
He forced Dipper up the stairs and backed him up against the wall.
"Once your family is out of the way, we'll rule the night once again!" said Holmes, raising his sword.
Dipper looked around, and saw the window.
He got an idea.
"Don't count on it!" Dipper said, diving in between Holmes's legs as the wax statue swung his sword downward.
Dipper quickly made his way to the window and opened it, jumping out onto the roof.
"Come back here, you brat!" Holmes yelled, climbing out after him.
Dipper climbed to the top of the roof, on top of the word "Shack."
Holmes had caught up to him and the two started sword fighting right there. Holmes swung downward, and Dipper leaped backwards to dodge it, Holmes's sword missing Dipper by inches and striking the "S" in "Shack."
"You really think you can defeat me, boy, I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes!" he said as Dipper started climbing even higher, to the very top of the roof. "Have you seen my magnifying glass, it's huge!"
He climbed after the boy.
Dipper was ahead though, and when he had finally managed to climb the roof, he quickly hid himself behind the chimney. He peered around the side and saw nothing, letting out a sigh of relief.
Unfortunately, Holmes was on this other side, attacking him very suddenly.
He kicked the boy in the stomach and sent him to the ground.
"Any last words? Holmes asked, raising his sword and preparing for the kill.
"Uh, yeah. Got any sunscreen?" Dipper asked.
"Got any...what?!" Holmes looked upward at his sword hand and saw that they were melting.
He soon realized his mistake.
The morning sun started coming up, and Holmes only melted more as it came up.
"Letting me lead you outside where the sun is, not one of your brightest decisions" said Dipper.
"Outsmarted by a child in short pants? No! Fiddlesticks! Humbugs! What a total hullabaloo!" he said, his words starting to become unclear as he turned into a puddle on the roof.
"Case closed!" Dipper said proudly, dusting off his hands. H
owever, some dust had gotten into his nose, and he let out a tiny sneeze.
"Ha ha ha! You sneeze like a kitten!" said Holmes as his puddle started to slide off the roof. "Those policemen were right, you're adorable. ADORABLE!!" he yelled as he fell off the roof and onto the ground. "Ew" said Dipper.
Mara was now helping Mabel get rid of the remains of the wax figures, throwing them into the fireplace.
"How are you feeling, Mara?" Mabel asked.
"Like I just got thrown into a wall?" Mara said, wincing as she threw another wax leg into the fire.
"Everything hurts."
The wax head of Shakespeare was chanting poems.
Mabel picked it up.
"Do you know any limericks?" she asked.
"Uh, there once was a dude from Kentucky..." he started.
"No!" Mabel said cheerfully, throwing the head into the fire.
Just then, Dipper walked into the room.
"Dipper, you're okay!" said Mabel excitedly as Mara pulled up a chair and took wax Stan's head down from the taxidermy rhino horn. Mara slowly got down from the chair.
"You solved the mystery after all" Mabel continued.
"I couldn't have done it without my sidekicks" said Dipper.
"No offense Dipper, but you're the sidekick" said Mabel. "And Mara's the hero."
"Wait, are people saying that, are they saying that about us?" Dipper asked.
Just then, Grunkle Stan walked into the room.
"Hot Belgian waffles! What happened to my parlor?!" he exclaimed, looking around at the disastrous room, which was covered in splatters of wax, torn curtains, and knocked-over chairs.
"Your wax figures turned out to be evil, so we fought them to the death!" said Mabel cheerfully.
"I melted Sherlock Holmes's face off!" said Mara.
"And I decapitated Larry King!" said Dipper.
"Ha ha, you kids and your imaginations!" said Stan.
Mara was relieved that he wasn't angry.
"And look what we found" Mara said, handing the wax Stan head to Grunkle Stan.
His face lit up as he held it.
"My head! Ha ha! I missed this guy! You done good, kids. Now line up for some affectionate noogying."
"Uh, I'm not so sure..."
But before Dipper could finish his sentence, Grunkle Stan had his arm around the triplets as he started noogying each of them.
Mara winced in pain when he noogied her head. Grunkle Stan shot her a look of confusion.
"Ow, yeah, I got thrown up against a wall" she said.
Just then, a police siren went off, and the four of them turned to see the two policemen, parked outside the Mystery Shack. They looked at them through the window.
"Solve the case yet, boy?" Blubbs asked. "I'm so confident that you're gonna say no that I'm gonna take a nice long sip of my coffee."
He raised his coffee cup to his lips and started to drink it slowly.
"Actually, the answer is yes" said Dipper.
Blubbs spit his hot coffee into the skinny police officer's face, who in turn spit it back into his. This went on for a while until Blubbs finally decided to drive away.
The four of them laughed.
"They just got scalded!" said Grunkle Stan as they crashed into something.
"So did you guys get rid of all the wax figures?" Dipper asked his sisters.
"I am 99% sure that we did" said Mabel.
"Good enough for me" said Dipper.
None of them saw the wax Larry King head in the air vent, watching them.
A rat appeared next to him.
"So, you're a rat?" said wax Larry King. "Tell me about that."
The rat ripped off wax Larry King's ear and ran off.
"Hey, come back here with that! I'm running after a rat that stole my ear!"