Maybe it's a dream, maybe nothing else is real,
But It wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel.
So I'm tired of all the pain, all the misery inside,
And I wish that I could live, feeling nothing but the night.
If I make another move, there'll be no more turning back,
Because everything would change and it all would fade to black.
________________________
"Why are we doing this?" I practically whined as Sebastian positioned me on the stool in the center of the room, his hands releasing my own once he was sure I was steady.
"What?" he asked incredulously. "Would you rather be scolded by the Alpha right now?"
I scowled at that, and instead crossed my arms over my chest, choosing to remain silent.
I suppose he was right. Him, Elias, and Julian had somehow managed to distract Livius with some "important business," giving him no other option but to let me go without telling me off about what I'd done to his precious little friend.
Unfortunately, in return, I was being turned into a little doll by Sebastian and Maria.
"Oh, stand still, will you?" he reprimanded, forcing me to untangle my arms whilst he slid the measuring tape around my waist.
"To be honest, I'd rather be scolded," I muttered under my breath, my eyes widening as he raised his head to look at me.
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
Pouting, I sent a pleading look to Damien, who just so happened to be leaning against the wall near the entrance, amusement dancing in his emerald eyes.
"Save me," I mouthed, my eyes narrowing on him when he raised his hands although to say, 'you brought this upon yourself.'
Bastard.
"God, you're going to look fabulous," Sebastian said after rolling back the measuring tape.
"What color should she wear Seb?" Maria questioned from behind a curtain of silks in the far right corner of the circular room, her eyes never once wandering up to us as she dug through them.
"I'm thinking a nice shade of blue, it'll go well with her skin tone."
What?
"Wait I-"
"Shh," Sebastian told me. "You're in good hands."
"But what-"
Maria suddenly gasped, her eyes swinging up to meet Sebastians. "What if we did a pale blue, with a nice silvery white?"
"But where would the white come in?" Sebastian inquired, but before Maria answered, another voice joined our conversation.
"This years theme is something along the lines of a flower blooming in the winter. You all need to be careful how you dress up the Luna, or she might end up looking like the stair decorations," Julian cut in as he walked through the doors, a smirking Elias by his side.
"Elias, you have no right to be smirking right now when last year you came looking like a damn cactus," Sebastian snapped. "You two have horrible taste, and yet are still attempting to criticize."
"The theme was nature," Elias argued, a scowl similar to my own suddenly gracing his features.
"That doesn't mean you come wearing a green suit, you idiot. All of you have a jacked up sense of fashion." Turning back to me, Sebastian grinned. "You're lucky you have me. Who knows, they might've dressed you up as a sunflower this year if you gave them the chance."
"Can one of you please tell me what on earth this is all for?" I finally managed to ask without being interrupted.
They all paused, suddenly blinking at each other although I'd asked them one of the most complex questions.
"You didn't even tell her?" Julian questioned, finally breaking the silence.
"I thought she knew!" Sebastian argued defensively, his hands shooting up.
"Let me explain, Luna," Elias offered, slowly stepping forward. I was shocked to hear him so willing to speak. When we'd first met all those nights ago he had been unbelievably quiet. I guess he's warmed up to me a bit.
"Every year, the royal pack hosts a grand ball celebrating the descent of the Moon Goddess to this shitty planet. I assume you've heard the legend already, so I won't get into that, but basically to spice things up, Sebastian came up with this ridiculous idea of having a theme-"
"It is not ridiculous," the mentioned man interceded, his eyes narrowing on his colleague.
Rolling those alluring violet eyes, Elias continued on, choosing to disregard Sebastian's words. "Anyway, every werewolf around the world is invited. Hundreds of Alpha's and Luna's show up. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it."
I frowned, not liking the thought of a stiff evening of introductions and fake smiles. "Do I have to go?"
"Of course you have to go. You're the Luna Queen. You can't miss your first ball, everyone's going to want to meet you," Sebastian stated firmly. "Besides, you'll have the Alpha beside you all night, so you don't need to worry about things being awkward."
I could feel the mood in the room mellow down at the mention of my mate.
Just the thought of him made me tired, to be honest. It was strange, because just a few days ago the mere thought of him made my heart burn with a fervent passion, but now in its place were mere ashes of what we had.
Looking away, I took the sudden silence as an opportunity to take my leave. "I'll see you guys later," I murmured, stepping down from the stool I had been standing on for the past hour, my mood officially ruined.
Before I could step out however, Sebastian's hand slid around my wrist, stopping me from exiting. "Alexandria, please don't leave. I'm sorry, I should have been paying more attention," he told me sheepishly, his other hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. "We don't have to do this anymore. We can find something else, just... please-"
"Is that what this is? Are you guys trying to cheer me up?" I asked, my eyes sliding over all of them gathered within the rotunda.
"Misery doesn't suit you, Luna," Julian mumbled, running a hand through his golden locks.
I crossed my arms again, my lips pursing in irritation."I am not miserable," I huffed.
"If you say so," Seb shrugged, not trying to upset me.
Why were they doing this? Why were my mates loyal pack members trying to raise my mood? It didn't make any sense.
"I don't get it," I murmured, meeting his gaze. "How are you guys not also mad at me? You're his trusted advisors."
Sebastian waved a dismissive hand, whilst rolling his brown eyes. "Sweetheart, we all know how irritating Victoria can be. She has a natural talent when it comes to getting under people's skin. The Alpha only puts up with it because she's practically family."
"Family?" I questioned, cocking my head to the side.
"Yeah, they've known each other since they were kids. And when Noah's parents died, they both came to the castle. I still remember the day they both moved in," Elias answered nostalgically, his eyes meeting my own. "The former Luna was like a mother to her."
No wonder she hates me so much.
Before I could dwell on it, Sebastian suddenly let go of my wrist and instead grabbed hold of my hand. "Okay, forget that. Let's go have some fun."
I grinned. "What do you have in mind?"
*****************
"God, you're so slow," I laughed, my mind at ease for the first time in days as my grip tightened on the reins. "Hurry up, Sebastian!"
Leaning back onto his hind legs, my horse let out a happy neigh before bolting forward ahead of Sebastian and the others.
"I didn't know you could ride, I was simply trying to accomodate by slowing down," he explained bitterly once he managed to reach my side, clearly attempting to gather the remnants of his dignity.
"Oh yeah?" I teased, my lips quirking up.
He scowled at me, not enjoying my teasing. "Where did you learn?" he asked, choosing to change the subject.
Tugging at the reins, I stroked Azures neck, my hands gliding over his black skin before getting lost in the strands of his hair. "Mrs. Valentina signed me up for everything when I was growing up, horseback riding included."
"What else?" he inquired curiously, his hand reaching out to adjust the helmet they'd forced on my head.
I hummed, whilst tapping my chin in thought. "I don't know, a shit ton of sports except for swimming. I tried out the piano, but I sucked so she threw me into Violin. There was photography, art, dance, culinary arts, woodworking, taekwondo, and so many others. God, I had such a busy childhood."
"You must be pretty talented then," he offered, a smile still playing on his lips.
I snorted. "Are you kidding? I flunked everything besides the Violin, horseback riding, and taekwondo."
"At least she managed to weed out your hobbies," Julian chuckled, overhearing our conversation as he approached on his own glorious steed.
I shook my head. "It was just a waste of money if you ask me."
"Well, technically, you didn't fail everything, right?" Elias questioned, and I arched a curious brow. "I mean, we all tasted your cooking the other day when you ditched dinner, and it was the best I've ever tasted."
I blinked up at him, unsure what to say. "That was mostly Elijah's work."
"You flambeed half the steaks."
I simply shrugged, still unable to take a compliment even after all these years. Instead, I chose to change the subject. "Should we be heading back? It's getting late, and I'm sure you guys have work to get back to."
Julian nodded once. "Yeah, we probably should. The sun is starting to set."
"Aw, come on! I was imagining a dramatic ride under the moonlight," Sebastian frowned dejectedly.
"Well, sorry, Princess," Elias retorted. "But nobody gives a fuck."
I held back a laugh at his words, a part of me amused by his bluntness, whilst the other loved Sebastian too much to voice my amusement.
"I suppose tubs of ice cream, and your favorite movie would have to do," he sighed after shooting a pointed glare in Elias' direction.
My brows knit together while Azure instinctively began following after them as they lead their horses back to the stables. "Don't you guys have work to get back to?"
"Nope," Sebastian answered happily, the dimple on his right cheek fully appearing when he smiled.
"His majesty has called for a meeting of his six generals regarding the rising tensions between all the supernatural races. That's why General Levon is here," Julian explained, piercing green eyes meeting my own. "All seven of them are going to be busy thinking of a solution for the next few days. So, all of us advisors are practically on break for the first time ever."
I frowned. "If you guys rarely ever get a break, then why are you wasting it trying to console me? You should be doing something fun," I told them, suddenly feeling bad for taking their time.
Sebastian turned to me as he dismounted his horse, a sudden seriousness that I'd never seen filling his eyes, and overtaking his expression. "Don't say that, Luna. There's nothing else I'd rather be doing. You're my Queen," he murmured, extending a hand to help me down.
Taking it, I brought both my legs to one side, preparing to hop down. I shoved away my guilt, and flashed him a teasing smile. "Careful there, you're starting to sound like Jon Snow."
I watched as his nose wrinkled in disgust. "Don't rope me in with that mess," he scolded, and I gasped as he let go of my hand and instead grabbed my waist. Lifting me off my horse, he set me down on my feet as I glowered up at him.
I didn't realize how tall and well built he was until now. His warm personality made him so much less intimidating, but damn would it be hard to take him down if he ever got serious.
"I could've done that on my own," I said, my lips pulling down into another frown.
"Yeah, well, you were taking way too long."
Shaking my head, I strode ahead of him, knowing that he'd fall into step beside me. It was a bit of a long walk back to the castle, since the stables were hidden much deeper within the territory. I hadn't even noticed their existence until Julian pointed past a hill that I'd completely disregarded.
"I'm still a little surprised that this place exists," I remarked, whilst leading Azure back into his stall.
I was left shocked when the horse instinctively strode in, one of the workers immediately coming to tend to him. Smiling, I gently slid a hand through his gorgeous mane, my head pressing against his own.
"I'll come see you again soon, Azure," I murmured, my voice barely above a whisper. My lips once again quirking up when he let out a short whine, and padded the floor.
"He likes you," Julian pointed out, those cat-like eyes narrowing in thought. "Strange."
"How so?" I questioned, my touch lingering on his skin before I completely pulled away.
He thought for a moment, unsure how to word his next sentence. "Let's just say, this horse doesn't enjoy being ridden."
"Really?" I practically gaped in shock. "He seems so well trained."
"Well, technically he is. His former owner did teach him well, but he's rather particular with who he allows close to him," Julian shrugged.
I glanced back at Azure.
Another thing we have in common, I suppose.
We both share a general dislike for specific people.
"Anyway," Sebastian cut in. "That was absolutely no fun at all. I wanted to see him throw you off or something."
I scowled in his direction, already knowing he was joking but still choosing to play along.
Elias snorted as he joined our side. "You're head would've been on a spike if anything bad happened to her. You should be grateful for the lack of 'fun.'"
I chuckled at the mans remarks, a bitter part of me wondering if my mate would even bother doing that for me anymore. He had made it painfully clear that I didn't matter to him as much as I used to.
How fast things can change.
"Hey. Stop it," Sebastian suddenly called, his hands landing on my shoulder. "I know that look. Whatever you're thinking of. Stop thinking it."
I glowered up at him, choosing to shake off his grip. "What does it matter to you? And don't you dare answer with that 'You are my Queen' bullshit."
He waved a hand, before rolling his chocolate colored eyes. "Trust me, I'm never saying that again. I'm far too fabulous to be sharing the same phrases with Jon fuckin Snow."
I let out a laugh at that one. I'll always be completely amused by this man's love for himself.
"But nevertheless, I have a favor to ask of you," he suddenly said, voice serious. "And I need you to be completely focused."
I cocked my head to the side, the front, now only waist length strands, thanks to a certain devil, falling to the side at the movement.
What did he want?
********************
"Oh, would you please fuckin sit still?" I growled out at Sebastian's squirming form, the needle in my grip tightening.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea! I change my mind!" he practically screamed, attempting to pull away from me.
I rolled my eyes, my grip on his arm tightening. "Oh don't be a fuckin coward. Besides, I've wasted too much time to back out now."
"B-but this is my decision! It's my damn ear!" he argued once he realized exactly how determined I was.
"And it's my fuckin time you wasted," I bit out in return, ignoring the way Elias and Julian were rolling on the floor laughing as Damien cackled at his superiors situation.
"I should've never asked you to pierce it for me! Damn, I'm too fuckin nice to you, y'know? All this shit just so we can make you feel better," he cried, and I held back a laugh, knowing it'd fully scare him off if I let it out.
"You're right. You shouldn't have," I nodded, agreeing to that part of his statement.
Once I was sure he had no intention of running, I slowly untangled my fingers from his arm and held the needle over my outstretched hand. I silently watched as a flame erupted in the palm of my hand, and swiftly heated up the sharp metal.
"Well damn, isn't that convenient," Sebastian muttered bitterly, still squirming beside me.
When the flame disappeared, and the now hot needle was in my grip, he cocked his head curiously. "Will this hurt?"
"Not really, I've done it plenty of times before," I promised, noting the slightly relieved look on his face. "But then again, I kinda used my magic to numb the pain."
He jerked at that, now fully turning away from me. "Nope. No fuckin way am I doing this. I refuse to allow you to puncture my fuckin earlobe. I-- Oh my fuckin god!"
I stared proudly down at the new piercing I'd made, holding back my laughter at his flustered face. His once pale skin was now a deep shade of red as he screamed at me. "What the fuck was that for?!"
I shrugged, eyeing the needle that I'd slipped through his earlobe. "You were going to run away again."
"You're a fuckin monster!" he yelled, and this time I did laugh, my eyes swinging over to the others only to find their eyes twinkling with the same amusement.
"Shit, this fuckin burns, Alexandria," Sebastian continued on, wallowing in his own misery. "I should've just had it done by a professional."
"Oh, shut up," Elias managed to get out in between his laughter. "Everytime you racked up the balls to go do it, you'd drag us all with you to the city, talking about this being such a 'life changing moment' only to turn back around a few minutes later while saying some stupid shit about not being mentally ready."
"That was only once!"
"It happened six fuckin times."
Sebastian eyed me warily when I raised the second needle. "Can I do your other ear?" I asked innocently.
"Abso-fuckin-lutely not! I forbid you from ever touching me again!" he answered boldly, this time completely pulling himself away from me.
Julian chuckled, pushing the glasses up his nose before meeting my gaze. "I wonder how well you'll fare without his fabulous energy around you all the time," he teased, and I giggled at the remark.
"I'm sure he isn't serious," I murmured, my lips tugging up into a mischievous grin. "No one can go too long without me."
"Of course I'm fuckin serious. Get away from me," he argued dramatically.
"Fuckin drama queen," Elias muttered under his breath, followed by another string of curse words that made me throw back my head and laugh at this entire situation.
"I cannot believe these guys help run the werewolf kingdom," Damien mumbled with a subtle shake of his head.
I gave him a shrug, my hands flying up in a "I don't understand either," gesture.
"Alright since it doesn't look like he'll be letting us pierce his second ear anytime soon, I'll go get snacks, and you guys let the Luna choose something to watch," Julian said, slowly standing up to his full height.
"Julian!" I called to his back, ignoring the quickly escalating argument going on behind me regarding what we planned on watching.
So much for letting me choose.
He turned around to meet my gaze, one golden brow quirked up in questioning. "Yes, Luna?"
"It's Alexandria."
He looked slightly taken aback by my words, but the shock was gone in an instant, and a moment later he flashed me a polite smile. "It's improper, your majesty."
I waved it off. "I'm pardoning you of all that bullshit." Giving him a full smile, I beamed up at him, happy to have made so many new allies. "We're friends, right? So please, call me by my name."
For the first time since I'd met this genius of a man, he genuinely looked flustered. I let out another giggle at the slight blush that tainted his cheeks before he seemed to snap out of it.
"Very well then," he finally said, after clearing his throat. "What kind of ice cream flavors do you prefer, Alexandria?"
I smiled again at that. My lips pulling up into a full grin. "Cookie dough."
The moment however was torn apart when Sebastian gasped in horror. "Cookie dough!? Darling, I thought you had better taste than that! Rocky road all the way, Julian."
Elias opened his mouth to join the argument, but Sebastian beat him to it. He suddenly jabbed a finger in his colleagues direction, a threatening gesture as his eyes flashed dangerously. "Don't you dare even say anything, Elias. You can go sit over there with your boring mint chocolate chip."
"Hey, that's my favorite," Damien added, narrowing his eyes on Seb. A team forming as my mates advisor gave my bodyguard a high five.
"You have fuckin taste, unlike this bastard," Elias told him, pointing his thumb in Sebastians direction.
"Oh no you didn't," Sebastian growled, preparing to lunge at the both of them, but I suddenly grabbed him by his newly pierced ear, fully stopping the grown man in his tracks.
"Ah! Fuck, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, Alexandria! Fuck you!" he cursed at me, and I let out a loud laugh, unable to breathe as I eyed his red, and still swollen ear.
He glared down at me, taking in my amusement as I attempted to catch my breath, my hand coming to rub the tears away from my eyes. "I hate you so fuckin much, do you know that?" he bit out, but no matter how serious he tried to make himself sound, I could still make out the smile he was fighting.
"Goddess, you're too damn cute," he sighed, finally giving in, and extending a hand to help me up.
I grinned up at him, the amusement having yet to fade.
"Alright, fuckers, what do you guys want to watch?" Elias called, drawing our attention.
Damn, it really was hard to believe he'd been so quiet and shy when we'd first met.
"Y'know what, Elias?" I began to say, my eyes flickering over to get lost in his violet ones. "You're the only one of Livius' advisors that I don't want to get too comfortable around me."
His brows shot up, those rare eyes twinkling curiously. "And why is that?"
"Because I don't want you to start fuckin bullying me the way you do everyone else," I huffed, crossing my arms.
He chuckled at my words. "I'm already kind of tempted to. God, you won't believe the amount of height jokes that I've had to shove away since we'd met."
I gasped in fake shock. "So you've thought it?" I questioned, attempting to sound offended.
To be honest, after the first few, you just kinda get used to it.
"I commend you for never saying anything," I commented, giving him a fleeting smile before allowing my face to fall. "Now unless you want to die a most painful death, I'd recommend you keep them in your head."
His eyes widened at the threat. "Well shit," he cursed. "You really are fuckin scary."
I stood up, and dusted off the oversized hoodie and black thigh high socks that I'd slipped on, before giving him an elegant curtsy, my head bowed in respect. "Why, thank you."
"Okay, but for real though," Damien spoke up, grabbing our attention. "What are we gonna watch?"
They all turned to me, waiting for my answer, and my lips pulled up into an almost sinister smile. "Any of yall heard of Teen Wolf?"
Sebastian scrunched up his nose. "You mean that human show?"
"The one with them running around on green screens pretending to understand our people?" Elias questioned.
We were suddenly joined by another voice as Julian returned with five tubs of ice cream in hand, and a shit ton of snacks in a basket dangling from his arm. "I'm still trying to find out who on earth leaked all that false information to those poor humans. They got it all wrong, and now it's just embarrassing."
I let out a laugh as I recalled Twilight. "Do you guys remember the one they made for the vampires?"
Sebastian cackled, his eyes shimmering with mirth. "That shit was funny as hell. They did them so fuckin dirty!"
"We got the lesser of two demons, I suppose," Elias muttered, reaching for the tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream that Julian had brought him.
"You guys wanna watch it for shits and giggles?" I asked, looking around the cozy living room we all sat in.
I clapped my hands in excitement when they all nodded, their faces alight with nothing but amusement.
Once everything was fully set up on the tv, I began reaching for the lamp, the light bothering me too much to be comfortable, when suddenly the doors of their private wing were thrown open, and my vision was obscured by a pillow making contact with my face.
"How dare you guys have a movie night without me!?" Elle gasped in shock, and I pulled away the pillow she'd thrown at my face, before shooting her an apologetic glance.
"Nice of you to finally join us, Elle," I told her, my smile widening ever so slightly. She blinked down at me for a few moments, as though she had something more to say, before I heard her let out a sigh.
Setting down the bundle of blankets she'd brought in, she joined me on the couch, her platinum blond hair tickled my neck as her body curled up beside mine. "I'll only forgive them because you're the Luna," she muttered dejectedly.
I chuckled at her words, and swiftly tugged the blanket she'd brought closer to my body , wanting some warmth during these cold winter days.
I suppose this rough patch wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
*****************
Just as Julian said, Livius was engrossed in meeting after meeting with his Generals and the elders who helped lead the Werewolf Kingdom, for days. By the time he'd get back to bed every night, he'd be too tired to even speak a word, and when I awoke the next morning he was gone.
I suppose this was good for us. It'd give us time to actually think of where our bond was headed.
This small gap in our conversations truly gave me time to think of my actions for the past few days.
Had I been overreacting?
Should I have taken the time to understand how close she was to him, before requesting that he send her away?
Should I have heard him out?
These thoughts were the only things nagging at my conscious. I constantly wondered how different things might have been if I hadn't suddenly gotten angry.
Even so, he shouldn't have let her insult my people. My identity.
He shouldn't have let her get away with it.
But no matter how many times I told myself that, I couldn't help but imagine myself in his position. What if Mrs. Valentina, the woman who raised me, condemned his family and his kind for what they did to our people, and he requested that I send her away. Would I have done it? Probably not.
She was my family. The only family I've had for the past decade. And apparently, so was Victoria to my mate, according to Maria and his advisors.
They'd both come a long way. She'd been by his side during the death of both his parents. She'd consoled him when he felt as though he lost everything. She was there cheering him on during his coronation. She was always there.
He couldn't turn away from her even if he wanted to.
So why did I only see her as competition from the moment I laid my eyes on her? Personally, I don't know what Livius sees in her, but then again, you don't have to see anything in family.
Family is just... family.
You'll love them either way. That's what makes them both a gift and a curse.
And right now Livius was so clearly torn between her and I. Although I knew he'd never see her as a lover again, the slight twinge of jealousy in my heart could not be subdued.
Victoria and I had had a few more run ins in the last few days, but she mostly kept her distance after what I did to her the other day. I guess she didn't want to see what else I could do. A smart move on her part, but now there was nothing fueling my anger for her and my mate. So I was just left to get lost in my thoughts.
And honestly, I have to admit the silence between Livius and I hurt.
Truth was, I really did fuckin miss him.
I missed his warmth. His smile. His gentle caresses.
I missed everything that he was.
I missed the way he brought the universe to my feet, and cherished every moment of it.
I missed his radiance.
And I was ashamed to admit that I'd allowed my emotions to get the best of me. Again.
But then again, a Faes emotions were their one true weakness.
It's a known fact that Faes are naturally stronger than Vampires and Werewolves. I mean, we possessed pure magic after all. But the one thing that got in our way of complete superiority were our inability to suppress the intensity of our emotions.
The Moon Goddess created us all with weaknesses and hidden complexities. And my kind was no exception. If wolves couldn't handle silver, and vampires can't walk in the sunlight, then a Fae could never level their emotions. That was simply how we were made. Although, I do believe that my people were given the worst weakness of all, since it can't be evaded.
There was no such thing as a Fae tactician. When we lose control, which we do all the time, there's no order. There's mere destruction.
And everyone knows a being with no self control is easier to defeat.
Our movements get sloppy, and are actions aren't fully thought out. It truly is the worst weakness to have.
If it weren't for that one weakness of ours, I probably would've never blew Victoria into that tree, or snapped at Livius the other day.
Merely thinking about it made me wish I was just a regular wolf, but then again, setting shit on fire was too cool to pass up.
These were the only thoughts in my head for the past few days. My mind desperately attempting to find out which one of us were in the wrong by comparing my weaknesses to his actions, only to come up with one answer.
Both of us.
Still, mostly him, but I'll admit we were both lacking.
I should've put myself in his shoes, and he should've done the same with me. He should've defended me, and I should've listened. I suppose we were both being selfish.
We really did need to talk, but I couldn't bring myself to knock on his office door, no matter how hard I attempted to convince myself.
I had spent the last four days in the company of Julian, Elias, Sebastian, Elle, and Damien. And let's just say, they were all the most insanely dysfunctional yet hilarious group of people I've ever met. Not even my friends back at University could compare.
But at some point, Seb and I had sat down and had a serious conversation, which surprised me, seeing as to how he was the biggest crackhead of our group.
Even so, he'd managed to give me an unquestionably good pep talk, along with the best advice I'd ever heard.
Paired up with the unbelievably productive training sessions I've had with General Levon every morning. I can proudly say that I've been changed for the better.
I don't know. Something about that man made me feel nostalgic. And although I ignored the feeling, I couldn't help but enjoy learning from him. It made it easier.
It's probably the only reason why I'm beginning to see things in a new light.
I'd promised myself that in the next few days, I'd finally set aside my anger and sit down with Livius, because it was always on this day, the fourteenth of December, that I was left to dwell on my life choices.
And I'm slowly starting to realize that some of the decisions I've made in the past few days weren't the best.
Like trying to solve things by using violence, for instance.
I was better than that. My parents taught me better than that.
Twelve years ago today they were ripped away from me, and I feared that if they saw me now, they'd genuinely be disappointed in the firecracker that I've become.
I was the sole survivor from the royal family, and twelve years later this is what I'm doing? Moping around over a petty feud between me and a girl I barely knew?
How pointless.
I should be ashamed of myself.
Imagine surviving a massacre and getting all worked up and upset over something so small.
I had no right.
Letting out a tired sigh, I covered my blurry eyes with my right arm, a cold breeze rustling through the corner of the hill I'd laid on. The moon was beautiful today. It felt like if I reached up I could touch it. The glowing silver light drenching the world with its radiance.
I felt tired although I did nothing but lay here all day, thinking of all that I've lost and simply drowning in the pain.
I only cried over my family and the gaping hole they'd left behind on one day of the year, and that was today.
I didn't even bother to wipe away the tears running down my face as I moved my arm to blink up at the starry sky, a part of me grateful for the silence.
It probably would've been better to have someone consoling me right now. Mrs. Valentina and I usually spent the day together. Both of us never uttering a word, but still being there for each other. She too having lost someone beloved to her.
Honestly, the only reason why I was all the way out here on my own was because I feared losing control of my emotions, and burning Livius' castle to the ground. I wasn't one to kill innocents, but who knows what this dull pain could turn into.
I knew how much magic my body contained. If I managed to go on another rampage, even General Levon wouldn't be able to stop me like he did last time.
I feared my own power.
So here I was. Buried alone in my own misery that not even the sands of time could take away.
I was sad, alone, and remorseful.
This was the one day all year in which I allowed myself to pity my story, and all the devastating chapters.
This was the only day all year where someone could find me cursing the life I've lived.
All the other days, I'd wear a happy smile, and attempt to forget the trauma I'd endured. But not today.
Today would always serve as a painful reminder.
"Mom, Dad, Alexius," I choked out, my eyes pinned to the sky, almost as though I hoped one of them would suddenly appear. "Where'd you all go and leave me behind?"
For a moment, I could force myself to imagine them standing there. My perfect family. And then I'd blink and they'd disappear, they're essence fading into the dark universe.
I inhaled the cold winter air, trying to calm my erratically beating heart.
God, I was so fuckin miserable.
"Alexandria?" A familiar voice called, and I tiredly slipped my eyes closed. "What are you doing out here? Sebastian's been looking everywhere for you."
"I want to be alone, Damien," I murmured quietly. "Please give me that."
I could imagine him frowning. A part of me already knowing he had no intention of leaving, and I hate to admit it, but it was good to know I had someone I was comfortable enough with to cry around.
"Is this about the whole Victoria situation?" he asked instead, slowly lowering himself down beside my laying form. "Because if it is, then please stop crying, Alexandria. It's painful seeing you hurting over this shit, not only because you're my Luna but because you're my friend."
"I'd never cry three times over something so trivial," I muttered, sniffling softly as I refused to meet his gaze.
"Then what-"
And I knew he understood.
It was a few moments until he began speaking again. This time his voice softer, and his words more thought out. "It was today, huh?"
"Yea," I mumbled in response, my eyes following the indecipherable trail the stars made, still searching for something that I knew wasn't there.
He laid down beside me, his eyes also swinging up to the night sky, and I found myself grateful for his silence.
I've had enough people tell me they were sorry about my lost family members. At some point, the apology does nothing but prove to you how much you've lost.
No one would truly understand the real intensity of it.
Attempting to push away my feelings for a brief moment, I turned to glance at Damien, my eyes meeting his. "Why don't you tell me about your mate situation?"
He cringed away, his face scrunching up. "I don't know. There's not really much to say."
"Then tell me anything."
"What do you mean by anything?" he questioned, his gaze flickering back up to the sky.
"Goddess, you're horrible at consolation," I mumbled quietly, although just having someone here made me feel a thousand times more grounded.
"I know I am," he sighed, shaking his head. "Shit, I'm sorry, I'm just-"
"It's fine," I cut him off. "You don't even have to be here, Damien. You should head back."
"I'm not leaving you," he said determinedly, eyeing me as though he feared I'd break any second. "Come on, let's go back together."
"No. I want to be alone," I replied softly, knowing he wouldn't argue.
The last place I wanted to be in right now was that stuffy castle. Everywhere I turned there was a maid, or a pack member, or a Cruella. I had no intention of going back anytime soon.
So we remained silent for who knows how long, both of us completely lost in our thoughts.