"It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."
That quote is from my favorite book, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, the one I was holding when the accident happened, if I can even call it an "accident" now. Murder might be a more appropriate word. Today, Lewis Carroll's words resonate in a way I never thought possible. I'm not the same person I was yesterday or the day before that. I don't even know if I am a person at all. I'm a "Mod," whatever that means I still don't fully understand. And to top it off, it is entirely possible that I am the only woman on Earth with the ability to procreate. It's an odd concept to wrap my head around after spending my entire life never knowing whether or not I would be allowed to have children. The fate of humanity rests on my shoulders, or more accurately, on my ovaries. I have so many questions, but the one that is nagging at me the most, has nothing to do with me. I want to know how Kelly knows Wyler. I need to know the truth before this goes any further, and I have a feeling that I'm not going to like the answer.
Thanks to my Mod status, I am on my feet and healing quickly from the gunshot wound. Dr. Ivanov said it is one of the many things that was altered in my genetic make-up. Years of bumps and bruises healing overnight as a young girl, suddenly make sense. I guess I can add that to the short list of things I understand about Mods, about myself: my inexplicable healing ability now explained.
I find Wyler in the area of the building dubbed, "the cafeteria." He's sitting at a table, eating dinner with Lex and a few other people that I don't recognize. The entire room goes silent the second I enter. I approach the table and a blonde girl who looks about my age immediately stands up and shoots her hand towards me. It takes me a minute register that she wants me to shake it.
"Ever Attwood, the Ever Attwood? This is amazing! It's so exciting to finally meet you!" she says while vigorously shaking my hand. "I've heard so much about you. This is just so incredible! My name is Jovie. I've been dying to meet you from the second I heard you were here."
"Hi Jovie," I reply, trying to politely remove my hand from her death grip. My new star status makes me uncomfortable. The other people sitting at the table look me up and down, no doubt trying to figure out what makes me so special.
"Is there anything I can get you?" Jovie asks eagerly.
"Actually, I would really just like to talk to Wyler," I pause, hoping that she'll get the hint, which she doesn't. "Alone," I emphasize, trying not to be too rude about it. I can see the disappointment in her eyes. "If that's all right?" I add in my most polite voice.
"Oh, uh, yeah, of course," she says, fumbling with her tray. Another girl and two boys get up and grab their lunches as well, clearing the table. They seem less than thrilled to have to relocate because of me. So maybe I'm more comfortable with my star status than I initially thought. After all, I'm already acting like a celebrity: demanding things and expecting people to do as I say.
"You too Lex," I say, as she shovels a spoonful of mashed potatoes into her mouth.
"Are you serious?" she replies, through a mouthful of food.
"Yes," I say sternly, but I don't look in her direction. Even though I'm speaking to her, my eyes never leave Wyler. My stare could burn a hole through him.
"Okay, okay," she replies, throwing her hands up in defeat as she rises from her chair. "Good luck," she mouths to Wyler as she exits.
I pull out the chair across from Wyler and sit down. I don't think I've ever been this mad at him before. In fact, I don't think I've ever been mad at him before. And what makes me even angrier than the secrets that he's been keeping, is that he's sitting across from me, sipping his soup and looking up at me nonchalantly as if nothing happened.
"Really? You're just going to sit there slurping your soup?"
He doesn't respond.
"You've got some explaining to do."
Slurp. Slurp.
"How do you know Kelly?"
No response. Now my blood is boiling.
"I'm only going to ask this one more time and if you don't answer me then I'm going to Kelly for answers. How. do. you. know. Kelly?"
The prospect of me going to Kelly, seems to have gotten his attention. He sets his spoon on the table and wipes his mouth on his napkin.
"It doesn't matter," he says, which only irritates me more.
"It matters to me!" I shout and Wyler motions with his hands for me to keep it down.
"How much did Dr. Ivanov tell you?" he asks, knowing that I'll continue to yell if he doesn't start answering my questions.
"You know he's here?! Wait, do you know him?"
"Define know."
"Wyler!"
"Yes, I know him."
"How?"
"I used to...live here."
"You used to live here? How is that possible? Does that mean you're a...mod?"
"Um..."
"Wyler!"
"Yes, an Unwanted Mod, born of the second generation."
"So you're older than me then?" I ask, shaking my head at the realization that this entire time I've known him, I didn't even know his actual age.
"Just a little bit, yes."
"Unbelievable," I let out a heavy sigh as the depth of his deceit rolls through me. "But you have younger siblings. Does that mean one of them is like me?"
"No, they're not like you, because technically they're my half siblings. My mother and father were part of The Alteration Study, but my father never really wanted any part of it to begin with. After the first two attempts failed, he took off. He didn't want anything to do with me, my mom or my older sibling. Since my father was out, we were terminated from the project."
"What do you mean, older sibling? I thought you were the eldest?" My brain is running through the facts I know about Wyler, wondering which are true and which are false. It's crazy how you can think you know someone so well, and really not know them at all.
"I have an older sister who ran away a long time ago. Between that, and my dad leaving, my mom kind of lost her mind. So she latched on to my loser step-father and had my two half siblings. We were barely able to keep food on the table when Dr. Ivanov found me. He offered us a deal."
"A deal? What kind of a deal?"
Now it's Wyler who lets out a sigh. Whatever it is, he's reluctant to tell me.
"Wyler, I deserve to know the truth," my voice softens slightly, hoping to convince him to tell me more.
He pauses and looks at me for a moment before answering, as if he knows everything will change once he tells me the truth. Whatever it is that he hasn't told me, it has the possibility to change things between us. I can see it in his eyes. He knows I'll look at him differently, but it doesn't matter, because I already do.
"He said he would give us a home, a fresh start, and a monthly allowance if I did something."
"Did what?"
"Ever, none of this matters." He looks serious now as he reaches across the table for my hand, but I pull away.
"Wyler, what did he ask you to do?" I say sternly.
He looks away, clearly not wanting to answer the question.
"Wyler, tell me," I press him and though he's reluctant to speak, he can tell by the look in my eyes that I mean business. He knows that if he doesn't tell me, then I'll find my answers elsewhere.
"He wanted me to...to keep an eye on you."
"What?" I can't believe what he's saying. "Keep an eye on me?" I shake my head. None of this makes any sense and as I try to process it, years of our friendship flash before my eyes.
"So all those days I thought you were slaving away at work, did you actually have an after-school job or was that a lie too?"
"I was working, just not at the job you thought," he replies sheepishly.
"Right, you were working, as in me, I was your job."
Was it all a lie? Was he ever really my friend or was I just a means for him to keep a roof over his head and food on the table? Does he actually have feelings for me or is that just part of the act too?
"Ever, it's not that simple," he tries to explain, but I cut him off. I don't want to hear any more of his excuses or explanations, none of it changes the outcome.
"No, I think it is. I think I understand pretty clearly now. I'm just a job to you. A means of income." I back up, ready to walk away, because I can't bring myself to hear his reply. I can't bear to sit in front of him any longer.
"Ever, I..."
"I don't want to hear it! It's all a lie! This has all been a lie!"
"What has?" He looks hurt and confused.
"Us!" I can feel the rage growing inside of me, but it's not actual anger, it's just a defense mechanism to mask my pain: the pain over the realization that one of the most important relationships in my life isn't what I thought it was at all. I move to leave, but Wyler stands quickly and grabs my arm.
"Ever, don't go. Let me explain."
"Explain what? That you helping me in the hall that day we first met wasn't an accident. That every moment we've spent together is now clouded by the fact that I was a job, not a friend. That I betrayed my best friend for someone who was playing games with me!"
"It was never a game and you were never a job, Ever. I mean, maybe at first, but things changed. My feelings are real."
"Don't, just don't." I need to leave. "I can't stand to be near you right now. I don't even know who you are," I say, trying to wound him with my words. "I barely know who I am," I add under my breath.
I pull away and he loosens his grip. Part of me wishes that he wouldn't let me go, that he would prove me wrong, that he would fight for me and tighten his hold, pulling me into his arms and kissing me right there in the cafeteria, right in front of everyone. But the other part of me hates myself for wanting that, for wanting him. I let that part win, as I march out of the room. It's then that I realize, we've made quite a scene. All eyes are on us. Everyone has been listening to our conversation. Everyone, including Lex.