Cole's room looked exactly the same as the one he had in HQ. Unlike Cate, he doesn't personalize his room. Other than the picture of his sister and mother on the nightstand, there was almost no evidence suggesting that this room was inhabited.
Maybe it really wasn't. For all I know, he might have spent all his nights in Alban's office since we got here. His bed looked otherwise untouched, and the copy of Project Snowfall lay on his desk exactly the way I left it.
I sank down in the make-shift chair—a wooden crate I found in the storage room—and started flipping through the papers again. For the moment, the info I gathered is that the mutations happened to our brains, in Blues' and Greens' case, in the cerebral cortex, but in other cases, it might be in the limbic system, even the brainstem.
But this information really gets us nowhere. Even if I somehow managed to identify the mutated brain area in every color, I wouldn't know how to fix it—I don't have that information here, not the nature of the mutation, nor the proposed treatment or the dosage.
I need help. That much is clear. Just as I was thinking about asking Cole to...I don't know, get me a doctor here or something—I wish like hell Dr. Thorne is here—the door opened.
It was Liam, holding a chair, for some reason. "Oh, hi, Sheena. Sorry to barge in." He said, "I didn't know you'd be here. I should've knocked."
"It's okay." I said.
"I'm just here to get Cole this..." He came in, and propped the chair down beside me, "I noticed this room was lacking one of these yesterday, and I just happened to find some in the garage—"
"Thanks." I said. Actually, his intention was to help his brother, not me, which made me even more sad that he wasn't here to receive this. But then again, maybe they'll just have another fight. It had seemed like whenever I tried to talk to Cole about Liam, he'd snap.
"How's the garage coming along?" I asked. "Do you need help?"
"It's okay. You have other things to attend to, anyway." He leaned over to check on the paper. "You're still working on that, huh? Got anything yet?"
"No." I sighed. "Well, actually, I did get something. It suggests that the mutations are the result of anomalies in different brain areas, most noticeably in cerebral cortex, but also the thalamus, pineal body, and, I suspect, part of medulla oblongata and interventricular foramen—"
"Was that English?" Liam asked. "Because I don't think I understand any of it. Well, maybe besides 'different brain areas'."
I almost laughed. "Sorry, I got a little carried away. That was a very pretentious way to say that the mutations have something to do with our brain."
"Hmm, figures." He said, and I did laugh this time. Liam has this distinctive kind of warm about him. Very different from that of his brother's fire.
"You know what? I think Chubs would be very interested in all these." He continued after I was done laughing, "He is the only person I know that could possibly understand all those medical mumble jumble—"
"Really?" I asked. "How? Did he receive special training at any point?"
"No, he sort of...trained himself." He said, "His dad is a doctor, and on top of that, he's a huge nerd. He reads medical textbooks as bedtime readings."
That is kind of impressive. I always assumed that most people would fallen into utter idleness if given no purpose to learn or work, but apparently that's not Chubs. Even if he would probably never become a proper medical doctor, he still educated himself as much as he could just for the heck of it.
"Do you think he would be willing to help?" I asked. "With these?"
"Oh, I think the only reason he hasn't trampled over me and sat down on this chair is because he doesn't know you're working on this." He said, "Should I send him your way?"
"Please, that would be most helpful." I said.
"You got it." He stood up and was ready to leave, but I called him again.
"Liam?" I asked.
"Yes?" He whipped his head back.
"Could you grab some...fruits, the next time you go out?" I asked. The lack of vitamins in everyone's diet had started to show—probably less obvious to others, but I noticed.
"Oh, sure." He said, "Anything else?"
"Just Chubs." I said. "For now."
╳ ╳ ╳
Chubs came in only less than a minute later. "Liam said you are working on the cure?" was the first thing he said.
"I don't want to keep your hopes up, but yes." I said, "There is no real breakthrough at the moment though."
"What do you have so far?" He asked as he sat down on the chair Liam brought in, propping his glasses up a little.
So I repeated my findings to him. After hearing my words, he sank into a deep contemplation. Then, he started flipping through the papers, and noting things down here and there.
"I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert in Neuroscience or anything, but I don't get why they don't use fMRI to do the scanning." He said, "Look at these images. They are all PET or MEG, no fMRI, but—"
"—fMRI is more accurate when spatial precision is concern." I continued, "If they are trying to pinpoint the mutated area, wouldn't spatial precision be crucial?"
"That's what I thought, too." He said, "I understand that there could be some time-sensitive factors we didn't took into account," he tapped the end of the pen on the paper, "But what I don't get is why they didn't use cross references? Like that should be the logical thing to do, right? So unless there are a third factor we haven't found out about yet, or—"
"The mutation wouldn't show on a fMRI scan." I finished.
He nodded, solemnly.
So what wouldn't show on fMRI? I used to have a lot of trouble learning about different neuroimaging techniques, and the only reason I passed Dr. Thorne's endless quizzes was because Jack reviewed the class materials with me, over and over again.
So, if my memory serves me right, fMRI relies on observing blood flows to detect brain activities, and it is precisely because it uses blood flows as the indicator and not the neurotransmissions or neural oscillations that cause it to be less chronically accurate...
Wait.
Oh, god. I almost jumped before I caught myself, and started flipping through the papers furiously.
"What?" Chubs yelped, but I didn't answer him, not right away.
"Here!" I found the page I was looking for. It had some EEGs on it. "See? The patterns of brainwaves in a mutated brain are similar, but the amplitude is significantly higher."
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" He asked.
"I'm not gonna guess what you think I'm saying. I'm gonna tell you—" I said, "—it is an electrophysiological mutation, not a structural one. Our brains send out stronger electric impulses, but the physical compositions—"
"—didn't change." He finished.
"Yes! Exactly!" I said.
For a moment there, Chubs almost laughed. I saw the excitement sparked in his eyes, and he was only an inch away from exclaiming the joy he must have felt, just like me. But then, his eyes dimmed.
"But how is that going to help us?" He said, almost to himself.
And that took all the wind out of me.
"I don't know." I sighed.
If it is a physical composition problem, I could very easily fix it, but brainwaves are not something to be trifle with—any single impulse could be a memory, a habit, or a piece of knowledge. By meddling with them, I could very literally break someone.
"It's...still good." He said, after some silence. "This is still some break through." I wondered if he said that just to make himself feel better, or did he said that for my sake.
"Yeah." It took me a while to affirm. "It's still good."
╳ ╳ ╳
I totally forgot my duty in the kitchen that afternoon, but after Vida came to call us to dinner, and Chubs and I went to the rec room, Lucy told me that Liam had explained things for me.
Cole was nowhere to be seen for the entire meal. It wasn't until the scheduled meeting time, and we all gathered in the computer room, did he came in, almost bouncing on his heels, with an obviously very-pleased Senator Cruz.
"Okay," Cole said, clapping his hands together. "So. Thank y'all for all of your ingenious planning and scheming. I reviewed everything, and I think we've landed on a winning strategy."
He walked up to the white board behind him—there was a map of the US plastered to the wall beside it, with some small red pins Chubs and Vida had put on moments ago, locations of the tribes of Psi Clancy Gray kept tracks on—and he drew a line in the middle; on one half, he wrote down THURMOND, and the other, OASIS.
"We're going to be making two hits: one, Oasis, is in Nevada. It'll serve as a kind of test run for our big hit on Thurmond in five weeks' time. In addition to getting those poor kids out, think of Oasis as an opportunity to work out the kinks in our strategy."
This must have been some decisions he made with Senator Cruz and Ruby. As far as I know, there is absolutely no one else included in his decision making process at the moment.
"One or two volunteers will enter Oasis ahead of the actual hit." He turned to face the group of Greens sitting directly in front of him, "We're going to need to install a small camera in the frames of someone's glasses, and it can relay back to us here. We need to get a sense of the compound's layout to fine-tune our timing."
"Why glasses?" Senator Cruz asked. "Won't those be taken when they're brought into the camp, too?"
"No, they're considered essential items," Ruby was the one to answer. "They're probably the only things that won't be taken."
"The catch is, the kids who volunteer can't have been previously in a camp. PSF policy dictates that kids be returned to the original camp they were processed through, and Oasis is a relatively new camp." He continued, looking at the kids with firm gaze. "There is absolutely no pressure to participate. Like I said, this is purely volunteer."
I closed my eyes, and let out a little breath. I had never been in a camp before, and I highly doubt that I'm in any database, but I don't need to be a Green to know Cole's reaction if I were the one to volunteer. But the thought of any of these kids going in...they are so young. More than half of them are no older than 13.
And then it hit me. We're here to fight. It wouldn't matter if they go in the camp or not. They will be fighting, and they will get hurt; they will get scarred, whether it be from someone else's bullets or by firing one at someone else. They won't come out of this the way they come in, like how I was never the same after Leda Corp.
The thought made me want to scream. What if they became something like me? What if the experience was so traumatizing, that monsters grew inside them, too?
"That aspect of the plan won't be necessary for Thurmond, as we have three people who have been inside of the camp and are intimately familiar with its layout." Cole continued. "The other difference between this and the big hit is what we're doing with the kids we free. From what intel we have, Oasis has approximately fifty kids, all of whom I'd like to have return with us. Depending on how willing they are to fight, we can ask them to join us in the Thurmond hit, or we can slowly return them back to their parents, a few kids at a time."
"Are we still going to go out and try to round up the tribes of kids?" Chubs asked, jerking his thumb back toward the map.
Cole nodded. "We'll start sending out cars once we have supplies. We need as much manpower as possible if we're going to pull this off ourselves."
He moved on to explain the detail they have so far for the Oasis hit, which is not so detailed to be honest, but we couldn't possibly have anything better until we know what is inside the walls of the camp, hence the need of those kids to go in with a camera. The only solid thing in the whole plan is that Ruby would be influencing the camp controller.
"Fifty kids is a hell of a lot different than three thousand kids." Out of the blue, Liam said.
"Better to run this through on a scaled model," Cole replied simply, the smile on his face identical to the one he had when Sen challenged him in the warehouse.
"Okay, that may be true, but other than giving us practice, and rescuing a small group of kids, what is this going to accomplish?"
Oh, god. Here we go again. If there's one thing I know Cole hates—actually hates—is being questioned in front of people, whether it be his leadership status, his decision, or just him as a person in general. See where that had gotten Sen.
Cole put his hands on his hips, one brow raised. "That's not enough for you? Really?"
"No, I mean—" Liam ran an agitated hand back through his hair. "The plan is good, but couldn't it serve as something else, too? Are we going to release the photos or video that's taken so people can actually see what conditions are like in there?"
A few kids murmured in agreement, including Lucy, who added, "I like that idea a lot. People should have the opportunity to see what it's really like."
"Do you have the means to do that without Gray tracing their source, swooping in, and blowing this place sky high?" Cole asked, in a tone that could almost be interpreted as amused, except it definitely wasn't.
Liam's face was still hard, but he didn't press. Cole had won this round.
"Whose plan was this?" Chubs asked. "I read through all of them, and I don't recognize it...."
"It's a combination of a number of them." Cole answered, almost without missing a beat. "I pulled the best elements from each."
The expression on Chubs' face told me that it was a lie. If I want an answer there, I guess I'll have to ask Cole later.
"Senator?" Cole motioned for her to step up.
"Ah, yes," she said, "I was able to secure a promise of supplies from my contacts in Canada. Food, gasoline, technology, and a limited supply of guns. The issue is that they refuse to bring them across the border into California. They want to bring them in by boat to Gold Beach, Oregon. Is that doable?"
Liam spoke up before Cole did. "I just need a map and a car, both of which I can find around here."
"And at least three kids as backup," Cole amended. "Kylie, Zach, and Vida."
"And me—" I heard Ruby piped up, but she was cut off by Nico's furious slam on the table. We all turned to find him stumbling backward, tripping on his chair, fist pressed against his mouth.
No, not furious. Despaired.
Ruby was the closest to him, and he looked up to her as we gathered around him, trying to make sense of what was on the laptop's screen.
"Cate," Nico cried, "Cate. Ruby, they took her—they took Cate."
I had never felt blood drain out of my head so fast—in fact, so fast that I almost couldn't make sense of what he said. What did he mean? Who took her?
It took only a look at the screen to catch on. It was playing a video on loop, showing a footage of a military convoy apprehending a group of people, loading them onto a truck. The group of people were all hooded, wearing black head to toe—standard Op getups—and as if that's not enough, the caption on the lower edge of the screen reads: Children's League Agents Captured in Colorado. Before I could say anything, one of the prisoners at the end of the row—a smaller figure—turned their head towards the side, and a lock of hair fell out of their hood.
It was platinum blond.
Cate. Oh, god. Cate. For some reasons, the first thought that stormed into my head was the image of Cole's blooded back, wounds crisscrossing on it in red and purple and black lines.
That is going to happen to Cate.
No. Not just that. Cole had his back whipped and his bones broken because they need things from him. They don't now, not with her.
They are going to kill her.
"You son of a bitch!" Vida screamed, frenzy in fury as she lashed towards Cole. Out of pure instinct, I wedged myself between them. "Vida, don't—"
"This is on you, asshole! Goddammit—dammit—" If it wasn't for Chubs pinning her to his chest, Vida would've lashed onto Cole by now, tore me apart along the way. She tried to head-butt Chubs, but only knocked his glasses of, and Zu rushed to pick it up before it could be trampled.
It took us all another moment to let everything sink in, but I didn't need that extra moment. I was already suffocating as it was... I should've gone with her. I should've stopped her from leaving. I should've—
"What does the AMP watermark mean?" Liam asked out of nowhere, and if I hadn't been so shaken, I would wonder how the fuck did he manage to be asking something as trivial as watermark. "It's in the upper right-hand corner of the video."
"That's short for Amplify," Senator Cruz answered him. "They're an underground news outlet. Gray must be livid. They've shown he hasn't successfully stamped out the League in the Los Angeles attacks like he promised."
"Do they collect information? How do they distribute it?" Liam pressed. "Do you have any contacts there?"
"Well, yes, but—"
"But it doesn't matter, Lee," Cole cut in.
"Look at this," Liam said, gesturing toward the laptop. "They got the video to a major online news outlet. They convinced them to run it, knowing that Gray could come—" Kids were nodding now, whispering, but I had toned out half way through. I just want to yell at him, shut up, please, shut up— "—Amplify could help us get the word out, and then the parents will want to do something to help the kids themselves. They'll go to the camps, stage protests—"
"Liam!" Cole barked. "Pay attention to what's important here. New organizations cannot be trusted, no matter how underground they claim to be. They'll sell you out in a second if it means attaching their name to a good story. You want to know why I won't contact them? Because I don't want to risk the lives of everyone here by accidentally or intentionally revealing our location. We can do this ourselves. End of discussion."
Now Cole is really angry. Really, really angry. Liam stood up against him, and he stepped up, too, staring his brother down, eyes filled with pure rage.
"We have to go after them," Vida said. "Where is the nearest prison bunker to where they were picked up? Would they fly them east? They'd have to keep them alive, they'd want to interrogate them, right? We can put our ear to the ground, stage an Op—"
"We can't do that, Vida, and you know it," Cole said, face still rigid, but there's a sympathetic light in his eyes now that he had looked away from his brother.
"What the fuck—" Vida snapped.
"Hey—hey! You think I don't want to go after my friend? You think I want her to go through this? No one deserves this, least of all Cate. It's too late to do anything. You're right, they're probably going to try to bring them in for interrogation, but once they have them underground, they're gone. They've disappeared. We're not ever—" He swallowed. "We're not going to see any of those people alive again."
No. No, no, no...
Vida let out a scream of frustration. "We got your ass out! We got you out of one of those prisons—"
"With a fully armed, well-trained tactical team," Cole said, "and even then there were casualties. Even if we find where they've brought them, do you honestly think Cate could live with herself knowing that any of you were hurt trying to get her out? This is why we had that rule in the League. If you're caught, we can't come for you."
Jack's life for Cole's. Who's going to die for Cate, then?
"Yeah, unless it's you," she snarled. Cole closed his eyes, taking that one silently.
"You're always bragging about those crazy-ass missions you went on," Vida continued, her voice taking on a pleading tone as she sagged, and I realized the only reason she was still standing was because Chubs was holding her. "Why not this one? Why?"
"Because this one wouldn't be crazy, it'd be suicidal," Cole said. "And the fastest, best way we have of getting her and the others out is to see our plan through. It's to get Gray out of office."
"Talk to Harry," Liam said. "He has contacts in the different branches of the military. He can recommend someone to talk to."
Cole looked like he was ready to argue, but the moment came and left in a flash, and he rubbed his eyes before he continued, "The bigger concern we have now is deciding whether to stay here or go. Any one of them could compromise our location."
"You said that your plan was to trick them into thinking we were going, too," Chubs said. "That we weren't coming here at all."
"Right." Cole hesitated. "But Conner knew that we were staying."
"Oh, fuck you!" Vida yelled, finally breaking out of Chubs' hold. "Fuck you, Stewart! You think she'd give us up?"
"Having experienced their interrogation methods firsthand, darlin'," Cole said, his voice taken on an acidic tone, "I would say that is an unfortunate possibility."
"She won't." Ruby's voice, sounding almost too detached to be real, chimed in. "Cate would die before she'd tell them."
I closed my eyes at her words, feeling a drop of tears falling down my cheek. It doesn't matter what we could do. Even though Vida could throw a truck at Gray's army, Nico could break us into almost any security system, Ruby could read and manipulate minds, and I could literally bring someone back from death if they weren't dead for too long and weren't too damaged, it doesn't matter. We don't know where to find them. Cate is going to die. Maybe she is already dead.
I sagged onto the floor, feeling someone blew past me and dashed out of the room. I curled up into a ball, burying my face behind my knees, letting the familiar white numbness washed up in me. The other kids buzzed around me, and I had the oddest impulse of wanting to scream at them. Have you had enough of an entertainment? Do you enjoy watching other people's misery?
I felt a soft hand on my back, and a female voice, "Oh, sweetheart—" It was Senator Cruz. I shook, wanting to shift away from her touch. I can't be here. This is too dangerous. It is exactly situation like this where the monster comes out and take control. I should be away, keeping the monster down, doing something to keep myself busy—anything at all—
I straightened my back, and took in a deep breath. "I'm okay." My voice came out more stable than I expected. Looking up, I saw Cole looking back at me, a deep frown locked together with a steely gaze. "If you'll excuse me." I stood up, and left the room, fully aware of the lines of sight following me out, but couldn't care anymore.
╳ ╳ ╳
I didn't break down again until I reached Cole's room. It had become so hard to breath with each step forward, but at least I made it. I sank onto the floor, back against the door, and finally, cry my heart out.
We're not seeing any of those people alive again. Cate would die before she'd tell them. Their voices rang in my head, repeating the bleak truth like a spike thrusting into my chest over and over again. In and out, in and out...
Maybe we are all dead, and this is hell. Otherwise, how would there be no end to this pain? I didn't realize, not for the first few moments, that this was the mindset I was in back in the Leda Corp lab.
I just want the pain to stop.
I didn't know how much time had passed, until the door behind me pushed against my back. It must have been a really long time, because my hips were numb when I tried to move, and there were specks of white on the corner of my eyes, neither of which happen all that much on me. I shifted a little, and a voice came from the other side of the door.
"Lilac, do you mind if I come in?" It was Cole.
I stood up and wiped my face with my sleeves as I let him in. The moment he saw my face, he sighed, closed the door behind him, and pulled me into his arms.
Face buried in his chest, surrounded by his heat and his scent, I suddenly realized that I had no tears left to cry. Had it been an hour earlier, I would've cry my heart out in his arms, but now...I could only sigh.
"Cole," I said, voice muffled against his shirt. "Did you really mean it when you said we won't see them alive again?"
He didn't answer immediately. "Yes." He said, "But not now. I don't mean it anymore." His arms loosened up a little, and he looked down to me, "Kansas HQ would be looking into this. I'll make some contact, meet up with someone, see if I could get any news from them—"
"Take me with you." I said, "I can't bear it if you don't come back, either—"
He pressed his lips tight, and it looked like a painful smile. "I will be just fine, Lilac."
I let out a breath, and buried my face in his chest again. I can't lose him, too. I wrapped my arms around his waist, breathing his smoke in. In and out. In and out. We could be okay. We'll get her out. His arms tightened up a bit around me, and I did the same with him.
A moment later, he said, "By the way, if you don't mind, I hope you could take a look on Ruby's feet tomorrow."
"What happened to her feet?" I asked. It's oddly specific, and oddly... everything, that she'd hurt herself hard enough for Cole to require her be healed.
"The kid...I guess you each has your own way to cope, but hers wasn't the healthiest." He said, "After she left the computer room, she went to run her feet broke."
Oh, dammit. Ruby must have taken this so much harder than anyone else. I should've been there for her. "I'll go to her now—"
Cole didn't loosen up. "She's sleeping now, and she needs it." He brushed a hand over my hair, "This can wait."
I nodded, and looked up to his face. He had looked so sad, and so beautiful at the same time. I reached up to touch his face, and for a moment, just want to take this in, drink in the sight of him. I want to remember this, every detail of his face, the way his brows slightly furrow, and how his eyes shimmer, because time has never seemed more precious than it is now. Any moment, the world could rain fire on us, and I can't lose this...I can't lose him...
But just before I could come up with something to say, to tell him how much I had needed him—how much I still need him—a voice rang in my head.
He did this.
It was my own voice, but not my own thought.
I stepped back, feeling myself drained of all color. It just spoked to me again. My monster spoke to me, and it blamed him.
"What happened?" Cole's voice instantly strained with concern. I don't know how to answer.
It's not blaming when it's the truth. It continued.
"Are you okay?" He asked again. I looked up to him, frantic. My monster just spoke to me. I wanted to say.
If you tell him, he'll never touch you again. The voice said before I could.
I took another step back, pulling a safe distance between me and him. "It's...nothing." I said, too distraught to convince anyone, least of all Cole.
"You don't look it." He said, voice worried. He stepped up, and I stepped back again.
"Cole..." I said, swallowing hard, throat feeling excruciatingly dry. "Could you leave me, just for one night?"
The look on his face was unmistakably hurt, but he didn't protest. He let his arms dropped to either side of him, and sighed. "If you say so."
Then he turned to leave the room.
Finally. The voice said as the door clicked shut behind him.
No, no, no. This is not happening. Since when did my monster grow to this size—this strength—
I had always been this strong. It said. I just didn't say anything until your shit falls apart.
No. This has gotta stop—
The least you could do is talk directly to me.
"What do you want?" I exclaimed. It wasn't until I heard my own voice, did I realize I had spoken out loud.
It took my monster out of the blue, apparently, because it didn't answer for a moment.
I want you to let me live. It said, eventually. I want to breathe.
"And I didn't?" I asked, but before I heard its answer, I knew it myself. I didn't.
Smart girl. It said in an amused voice. But do you really think he can help you? You need me, not him. I could teach you so much—
"Stop!" I cried. "I don't need your help! You killed someone with my hands!"
I did it to save you. It said coldly. I saved you more times than that precious golden boy of yours...
"At what cost?" I asked, voice shaking.
Not your life. It...spat? You gave up on yourself too easily, but in case you didn't notice, I also need this body to live. If I could take better care of this body, would you give it to me?
I kept silent. Me talking to it is exactly what it wants.
Don't be childish.
I remained silent.
It let out a sound very close to a laugh. You can't run away from me. It said, amused again. I am you.
I closed my eyes, refused to talk again. With that, I could feel the numbness subsided, giving my head some space again. It left, at least for now. I let out a breath, and sank onto the floor, back flat against the cold tiles.
I'm so tired. It was the last thought I had before I fell into utter oblivion.