iv. Old Ladies Wear Shaving Cream Santa Beards
Days later, Annabeth raced into the Hermes cabin with an excited grin on her face. Lyra yelped in surprise as Annabeth grabbed her arm and wrenched her to her feet, tugging her out the cabin. "Woah!" Lyra exclaimed, stumbling after the grey-eyed girl. "What the hell?"
"It's happening, Lyra," Annabeth exclaimed excitedly. "It's finally happening! I've volunteered us."
Lyra's face dawned in realization, but she still didn't want to make any assumptions. Instead, she asked, "Volunteered us for..."
"For the quest," Annabeth answered in a 'duh' tone, glancing excitedly back at the girl. The two entered the Big House just as Percy sarcastically said, "Gee, who else would be stupid enough to volunteer for a quest like this?"
Annabeth made herself visible to him. "I've been waiting a long time for a quest, seaweed brain. Athena is no fan of Poseidon, but if you're going to save the world, I'm the best person to keep you from messing up."
"And I've been dying to go out to the real world since Luke came back," she said. "I'm here to prove we're important to all those who think cabin eleven is just a hotel."
"Sounds good," Percy said. "I suppose you have a plan then, wise girl?" Annabeth's cheeks colored a bright red and she snarked, "Do you want my help or not?"
Percy blushed then and he nodded. "A quartet. That'll work."
Chiron nodded. "Excellent. This afternoon, ew can take you as far as the bus terminal in Manhattan. After that, you're on your own." Lightening flashed in the background and rain began to pour violently. He sighed. "No time to waste. I think you should all get packing."
———
Lyra shoved everything she could possibly need into her pocket whilst Luke paced nervously beside her and the Stoll brothers handed her items - more stink-bombs, just in case, a couple of smoke bombs, toiletries, shaving cream, her pockets knife and other odds and ends that she might possibly need. Luke gave her several golden drachmas and fifty mortal dollars that he 'borrowed' from the camp store just in case. She also brought a standalone lock and a manual lock picking kit for when she needed something to fiddle with; suprisingly, manually picking locks calmed the girl. Her pocket-knife was helpful for when she needed to do it quickly, but doing it manually was soothing and fun.
When it came time to say their good-byes, Lyra thought Luke would actually burst into tears. His eyes were tinged red and he was nervously tapping his left foot. As she stood to her feet, he wrapped her up in the tightest hug she had ever received. "You'd better stay safe, Ly," he said, sniffling slightly. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I can't lose you."
"You won't," Lyra assured her older brother, rubbing his back. "You could never lose me. After all, who else would annoy you constantly? That's my job and I'll never give it up."
Luke pulled away and chuckled weakly. "I know, I'm just... nervous. Especially after what happened last time." He shuddered and absentmindedly touched the scar on his face. Lyra could tell by the faraway look in his eyes that he was remembering his quest two years back.
"I'll be okay," Lyra assured her brother. She then turned to the Stolls and gave them both hugs as well. "Thanks for the supplies. I'll see you guys in a couple weeks. Try not to burn down the cabin."
"Try to burn down the cabin?" Connor repeated. "Got it." He saluted her. Lyra rolled her eyes and said a few less involved goodbyes to Julia, Chris and Cecil. Before she could leave, Cecil handed her his bottle of cologne and said with pseudo-emotion, "To remember me. Plus, now you can't die because I need my cologne back to impress the laaadiessss."
Lyra swallowed the urge to punch him in the gut and she said, "Thank you, Cee. I appreciate the gift."
She left the cabin after being hugged once more by Luke, and then taken into a group hug with the Stolls, who were weirdly emotional. She understood; they had lost two siblings the last quest, and everyone was afraid they'd lose another. Deep down, Lyra was petrified herself. She remembered the pain she had felt when she realized Nick would never come back, and she didn't want any of her siblings to feel that way.
She met up with Percy and Annabeth back at the big house. Chiron gave Percy, Annabeth and her each a canteen of nectar and a Ziploc bag of ambrosia squares, only to be used in emergencies and if we were seriously hurt.
Annabeth brought her Yankees cap and a book on famous classical architecture to read when she got bored and a long bronze knife - the one Luke had gifted to her - in her sleeve. Lyra tried telling Annabeth that she probably wouldn't be bored on the quest, but the daughter of Athena wouldn't hear any of it and insisted on bringing the book. Eventually Lyra asked if she could borrow it if she got bored on the quest.
Grover wore his fake feet and pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap to hide his horns in case it rained; when it did, his curly hair flattened and one could just barely make out the tips of his horns. He wore a bright orange backpack full of scrap metal and apples to snack on, and he carried his reed pipes (though he could only play a Mozart Concerto and a Hilary Duff song on it, so Lyra didn't really see he point. Then again, she brought several cans of shaving cream, so she couldn't really complain).
The group of four waved good-bye to the campers and Lyra took one last look at her home, from the thriving strawberry fields tended to by the nymphs and Demeter children to the shimmering blue-green ocean that matched her companion's eyes to the Big House that she had many memories in, and they then hiked up Half-Blood hill to the pine tree that was once a friend of hers.
Lyra spotted Chiron and Argus, the head of security, waiting for them. She gave Argus a distrustful gaze, not quite sold on him protecting her. In a past form, her father had killed Argus in order to save Io. Lyra wasn't sure if the man - er, monster - held a grudge because of this. "This is Argus," Chiron explained to Percy, who stared at the hundred-eyed man. "He will drive you into the city, and, er, well, keep an eye on things."
Lyra snorted audibly and fervently apologized to Argus, explaining that the pun was just too funny. Lyra turned around when she heard footsteps behind them, belonging to her brother. Luke was running up the hill, carrying a pair of red converse. "Hey! Glad I caught you!"
Annabeth blushed and Lyra elbowed the girl. "You're being obvious." Annabeth elbowed Lyra harder and glared at the girl. "I just wanted to say good luck," Luke said to Percy. "And I thought... um, maybe you could use these."
He handed Percy the sneakers and said, "Maia!" White bird's wings sprouted from the heels, startling Percy so much he dropped them. The shoes flapped around on the ground until the wings folded up and disappeared.
"Awesome!" Grover exclaimed. Lyra agreed, but something twisted in her stomach; Lyra felt jealous. Those shoes were a gift from her father to Luke. Why didn't she get them? They were from her father, after all, and they were given to her brother. So why did Percy get them.
"Hey, man, thanks," Percy said, but he glanced at Lyra. "But... shouldn't you give them to Lyra?"
"NO!" Luke exclaimed loudly, causing the three demi-gods to jump in the air at the sudden volume. He recovered quickly and shook his head. "I mean, uh, Lyra's already got my old pants and the pocket-knife from Dad. You, uh, don't have any, so I thought it would only be fair."
Lyra suddenly felt bad for being jealous. Luke was right, she already had his old pants with the magic pocket and the pocket-knife that was given to her by her Dad, and Percy didn't have anything. She was just being selfish.
"Listen, Percy," Luke looked a bit uncomfortable. "A lot of hopes are riding on you. So just... kill some monsters for me, okay? And keep Lyra safe for me."
"Hey!" Lyra exclaimed indignantly. She didn't need anyone to keep her safe; she could do it perfectly well on her own. Luke rolled his eyes and ignored her, patting Grover's head and giving a good-bye hug to Annabeth. He then turned back to Lyra and hugged her once more. She had to pound on his back and wheeze out, "Can't... breathe... Luke..."
Percy had to force Luke to release Lyra before she suffocated, and Luke just gave her a sheepish look and said, "Sorry, I'm just a bit... worried."
Lyra rolled her eyes and chuckled lightly, "You don't say. Luke, I'll be fine. I love you."
He repeated the sentiment and left, jogging back down Half-Blood hill and waving one last time to the group. Lyra followed Annabeth down the hill with Argus following her, jingling his car keys merrily.
Lyra sat squished between Annabeth and Percy in the car. Her blonde friend had insisted on the window seat, and Lyra got the sneaking suspicion that it was just because she didn't want to be squished up next to Percy. Lyra didn't blame her; being stuck between two demi-gods was not her idea of fun.
Lyra drank in the view. Every McDonalds she saw, every kid in the back of a car, every storefront and shopping mall, it was all new. She and Annabeth excitedly pointed everything that attracted her attention to each other, which was pretty much everything.
"So far so good," Percy said, staring out the window at a passing Burger King. "en miles and not a single monster."
Lyra's eyes widened and she immediately held up three fingers in a claw motion and pushed her hand away from her chest as Annabeth did the same and shot him an irritated look, saying, "It's bad luck to talk that way, seaweed brain."
"Remind me again - why do you hate me so much?" Percy questioned, looking quite a bit like a kicked puppy.
"I don't hate you," Annabeth insisted, looking away from the boy and suddenly finding the kid in a back of a blue 1997 Subaru very interesting. Percy scoffed, "Could've fooled me."
Lyra watched as Annabeth nervously folded her invisibility cap. "Look, we're just not supposed to get along, okay? Our parents are rivals."
"Why?" Percy asked. Lyra scoffed and rolled her eyes. She looked to the son of Poseidon and said, "Dude, I literally taught you Greek Mythology for the past week, and I know we covered it."
"I forgot!" Percy defended himself. "Also, I fell asleep literally all the time. It's boring."
"It's literally going to save your life," Lyra shot back. "Knowing all those monster and myths is important for a demi-god in the world! God forbid you meet - I dunno - Medusa, let's say, and you forget that she's a Gorgon! That tiny little memory slip will make you a statue forever."
"Lyra," Annabeth placed a hand on hers to calm her down. "Don't chew him out," Lyra sighed and nodded as Annabeth turned to address Percy. "There are a lot of reasons, Percy. One time my mom caught Poseidon with his girlfriend in Athena's temple, which is hugely disrespectful. Another time, Athena and Poseidon competed to be the patron for the city of Athens. Your dad created some stupid saltwater spring for his gift. My mom created the olive tree. The people decided her gift was better, so they named the city after her."
"They must really like olives," Percy joked. Lyra snorted, slapping a hand over her mouth and nose to muffle the sounds. Percy exchanged an amused glance with her as Annabeth huffed, "Oh, forget it."
"Now, if she invented pizza - that I could understand." Lyra's pressure on her face tightened and her body wracked with silent chuckles.
"I said forget it!"
Lyra couldn't hold it; her laughs burst out and she slapped her knee pathetically, tears coming out her eyes slightly. It was a mixture of the comedy and the nerves that she felt that produced her laughter. Percy and Annabeth looked at her like she was insane, but they too soon began to laugh. Lyra's laugh was too much of a rolling laugh that they couldn't not join in; her laugh made others laugh.
Argus dropped the four off at the Greyhound Station on the Upper East Side. He unloaded their bags, made sure they got their bus tickets and drove away. The rain poured heavily, and as Percy and Grover talked about something Lyra couldn't hear, Annabeth and Lyra spoke quietly about the things they saw.
The four soon got restless waiting for the bus and decided to play Hacky Sack with one of Grover's green apples. Whilst Lyra was by no means bad, she was shadowed by Annabeth, who was amazing. She could bounce the apple off just about every body part she possessed. The game ended all too quickly when Percy tossed the apple towards Grover, whose goat-instincts kicked in and ate the apple in one gulp. The satyr tried to apologize, but Lyra's loud, booming laughter drowned out all his words.
The bus came son after. Lyra stood behind Annabeth and waited to board and she could vaguely hear Grover sniffing. She turned around as Percy asked what Grover was sniffing, which the satyr replied with, "I don't know. Maybe it's nothing."
It set Lyra on edge slightly, but she didn't want her friends to be worried for what was most likely nothing so the girl just said, "I'm sure you just hear Cecil's cologne. I have it in my pockets and gods knows it smells like all things unholy."
Grover agreed nervously, but everyone was set on edge. When Grover, Percy and Annabeth stowed their backpacks, Lyra asked, "Does anyone want me to store anything in my pocket?"
Grover gave her a couple of cans just in case, and Annabeth and Percy shook their heads but thanked her. Lyra was going to sit with Annabeth, but Percy took the seat last-second so she quickly switched trajectory and sat beside Grover, who gave her an odd grin. She watched as Annabeth nervously slapped her Yankees cap against her thigh. As the last passengers boarded, Annabeth clamped a hand onto Percy's knee and said his name, her grey eyes wide with nerves.
Lyra followed her gaze to look at an old lady who had just boarded the bus. She wore a crumpled violet velvet dress, lace gloves and a horrid, shapeless orange-knit hat that covered her face, accompanied with a big, ugly paisley purse that Lyra was sure would make a child of Aphrodite faint. Two old ladies followed after, one in a green hat and one in a purple hat. Besides their outfit differences, the three looked exactly alike. They sat in the front row, right behind the driver. The two who saw in the aisle leisurely crossed their legs over the walkway, their legs forming an 'X'. It was casual, but relayed the clear message: nobody leaves.
"Oh, gods," Lyra breathed, nervously grasping Grover's hand. Percy's voice quivered as he said, "She didn't stay dead for long. I thought you said they could be dispelled for a life-time."
Annabeth's voice wasn't much stronger when she replied, "I said if you're lucky. You're obviously not."
"All three of them," Grover whimpered, crushing Lyra's hand. "Di immortales!"
"It's okay," Annabeth assured them, stroking her chin gently. Lyra could see her grey eyes turn the same shade of grey they always did when she was deep in thought, which reassured the daughter of Hermes. "The Furies. The three worst monsters from the Underworld. No problem. No problem. We'll just slip out the windows."
"They don't open," Grover groaned, his face crunching in fear.
"A back exit?"
"I don't think there is one," Lyra said, shaking her head. She saw Percy look at each of them and asked, "They won't attack us with witnesses around, will they?"
"I hope not," Lyra said, shaking her head slightly. "But they don't have good eyes. The Mist keeps them nice and happy; I don't know what they'll see."
Percy stared at Lyra and asked, "But wouldn't they see three old ladies killing us?"
"They might," Lyra agreed. "but what would the mortals do?"
This obviously stumped Percy, and he slumped in his seat and quieted. The group his the Lincoln Tunnel and the bus went dark except for the aisle lights that cast a creepy orange glow on everyone's faces. The one in the orange hat - who must have been Percy's math teacher - stood up and, in a flat voice, said, "I need to use the restroom."
"So do I," said the second.
"So do I," agreed the third.
"Oh, no, you should probably just hold it," Lyra muttered, not brave enough to say it loud enough for them to hear. Annabeth suddenly snapped her fingers and handed Percy her invisibility had. "You're the one they want. Turn invisible and go up the aisle. Let them pass you. Maybe you can get to the front and get away."
"But you guys—"
"Relax, Percy," Lyra said, trying not to sound nervous, but her quivering voice gave her away. "I've got some shaving cream and cologne that has their name on it. We'll be okay."
Percy opened his mouth to argue but Grover said, "Don't worry about us. Go!" Percy's hands trembled but he slammed the Yankees cap and disappeared. Percy's math teacher stopped and sniffed the air, but decided she didn't see anything and continued her march towards the two demi-gods and their satyr companion.
Lyra's hands dug in her pocket and she felt around for the cylinder-shaped shaving cream. She finally wrapped her hand around the familiar shape and subtly pulled it out, reaching her hand back in for a stink-bomb and her pocket knife. She held the bomb and pocket knife in her left hand and the shaving cream in her dominant one, ready for whatever came next.
Then came the hideous wails. The Furies melted from their old-lady form and into their true form - shriveled, leathery hag bodies with bat's wings and gargoyle clawed hands and feets. Their paisley handbags turned to fiery whips, and Lyra found herself much preferring the abysmal hand-bags.
They surrounded Annabeth, Grover and Lyra and lashed their whips at them, hissing, "Where is it? Where?"
"He's not here!" Annabeth yelled. "Gone!"
The Furies raised their whips and Lyra raised her hand, finger hovering over the trigger when she suddenly pitched to her right and smashed her head against the window with a groan. Before she could get up the bus spun in a circle and the mortals yelled in fear. Lyra quickly regained her balance and narrowly dodged a whip to the face.
Percy suddenly appeared near the doorway of the bus. "Hey!"
They turned, baring their fangs at Percy and stalking up the aisle towards him. Lyra cautiously followed, aiming at one and getting ready to intervene. "Perseus Jackson. You have offended the gods. You shall die."
"Ehh," Percy said. "I liked you better as a math teacher."
Mrs. Dodds growled and Percy took out a ball-point pen, uncapping it to reveal a shimmering double-edged sword. Mrs. Dodds hissed, "Submit now. And you will not suffer eternal torment."
"Nice try."
It all happened very quickly. As Percy managed to kill the one who wore the pink hat, Lyra tapped the one on the left on the shoulder and punched her clean across the face. Before the Fury could recover she sprayed the shaving cream in its eyes and mouth, causing the Fury to howl with, well, fury. "Yoshaillldiechildofhrms!" The Fury tried to exclaimed through a disgusting mouthful of shaving cream.
"Sorry, what's that?" Lyra asked loudly, cupping a hand over her ear with her left hand as she smashed the stink-bomb and flipped up her pocket knife. Before the Fury could attack she thrusted her sword and swirled it, causing the Fury to erupt into a shower of gold and foamy shaving cream.
The remaining Fury, Mrs. Dodds, was trying to both buck Annabeth off her back and cover her mouth and nose from the horrid stench of Spruce Wood Fantasy. "Zeus will destroy you!" Mrs. Dodds shouted. "Hades will have your soul."
Percy yelled "Braccas meas vescimini [Eat my pants]!"
At the same time, Lyra shouted, "Tondenti crepito manducare canis exprimamus [Eat shaving cream, bitch!]" Lyra grabbed another can of shaving cream and sprayed it at the Fury, distracting it as she grabbed Annabeth and the four raced out of the bus, thunder shaking the vehicle as they left.
"Our bags!" Grover exclaimed as the four exited the bus. "We left our—"
Whatever he said next was drowned out be the windows of the bus exploding and the smell of Spruce Wood Fantasy flying out into the forest on shattered glass. Lightning shredded the roof, but an angry wail from inside told the demi-gods that Mrs. Dodds wasn't quite dead yet.
"Run!" Annabeth exclaimed. "She's calling for reinforcements! We have to get out of here!"
The group of four plundged into the woods as the rain poured down, the bus in flames behind them and the darkness ahead.