June 21st
Willy,
I was delighted to hear that you'd be coming all this way to spend the fall in my neck of the woods. I know that you'll like it here...it's so different from your home turf. As a city-boy, you'll probably be bored at first, but once you get into the rhythm of this nature-rich land, I'm sure you'll be more than satisfied with your time here. I know you don't hunt, but the fishing is great (lake and stream). Ever since I moved here after leaving the service, I've become more and more enamored of the quiet life. It's great for my writing and my hobbies, though it does get lonely at times.
Do you remember when we went panning for gold when we came stateside for our leave after all that shit went down in Zabul? I hope you still enjoy a little treasure hunting. There actually is gold in dem dar hills and over the course of the last few years I've actually found some (albeit barely enough to cover my prospecting supplies).
I'd also like to take you mushroom gathering. We'll get a little high and go searching. At this pastime I have been far more successful than my gold-seeking. There are a great number of delicious fungi to be found and it always makes for a pleasant day. As a matter of fact, if the rain comes as planned this week, I'll be making my first trek out this weekend to gather chanterelles (my favorite). I'll let you know how it goes.
The cabin is ready for your arrival. It's a pretty big place and you'll have a nice big room. You'll be happy to know I am not a complete luddite and have both satellite TV and internet access, so you can stay in touch with all your stressed-out friends.
I don't think too much about the war anymore, but I still get the bad dreams once in a while. I'm glad you are my first guest, having shared that horrible experience with me. What the hell were we thinking when we signed up? Adventure and travel? Were we really that young and stupid? I much prefer being older and stupid...and a million miles away from people trying to kill me...did I mention the bears? Just kidding, they only eat children and tourists from the West Coast, so you are safe.
I write again soon.
Your messed up almost brother,
Riley
June 29
Will,
My sister told me she contacted you. Sorry. She means well, but she's convinced that I'm nuts. She can't understand why I am playing "hermit", as she puts it. Dina watches way too much TV and is convinced I'm suffering from late onset PTSD, and that I am somehow banishing myself from life. She says I should jump in and rejoin civilization, but it needs to be a lifestyle she approves of.
I'm sure you heard some version of this narrative and I'm sure you were discreet and simply made affirmative grunting sounds where appropriate. Again, sorry to put you through that. Let me assure you, I may well be nuts, but it's a "leprechauns are stealing my shoes" nuts, rather than a "I wonder what human flesh tastes like" nuts, so you should be fine...as long as you don't dress like a clown...that would really freak me out.
I went on my first mushrooming hike of the summer. It looks like it's going to be a good year for the shrooms. Something weird happened on the hike. Don't mention it to Dina or she'll be sending doctors armed with thorazine to my cabin.
I was pretty deep in the woods in an area I hadn't searched before. There was this outcrop of granite sitting in the middle of the woods. Not too big, maybe ten feet high and the same in width. The stone angled down into the ground like most of the other outcrops in the area. The thing that caught my eye was the opening. It was about three feet high and wide and seemed to extend downward. What was weird was that about five feet into the opening, it was pitch black, not dark, but absolutely devoid of light...very spooky. I didn't have a flashlight, so I didn't enter...the last thing I wanted to do was walk in on a pissed-off bear or badger, so I just sat there at the opening a while.
This is where it gets really strange. As I'm sitting there, a warm breeze blows out at me and it smells like jasmine and licorice. Then I hear a faint sound like church-bell echoing out. I just sit there staring at the darkness and my skin begins to crawl. I headed home in a hurry and had a couple of drinks. I'm going to head back in a couple of days with a flashlight and get some answers.
I'll let you know what happens,
Riley
July 2
Will,
I am really freaked out. Like I told you last letter, I headed back to the hole with a flashlight (two actually, and a lantern). It was a rainy, it had been raining for four days and I couldn't wait any longer. Anyway, the rain and general grimness of the day just added to my anxiety. It was hard to find the trail, but after a few false turns and double-backs, I reached my destination. It was far creepier with thunder echoing through the woods than it had been last time. I walked up to it and sat there for a while composing myself, preparing to enter. There was still a warm breeze blowing out, but this time it smelled like a stagnant pond, almost putrid. No church-bells this time either, but something that sounded like faint voices and gunshots.
I shone a flashlight into the hole, but it was like the light just ended where the deepest shadows of the crevice began. I couldn't even make out the walls. I tossed my battery-operated lantern about ten feet past the shadow and it just disappeared. I could hear it land, but no light, none at all.
My nerve began leaving me really fast and I was ashamed of myself. Ever since I got back from the war, I've been pretty skittish. I jump when I hear loud sounds, I can't get a full night's sleep, I'm even afraid of crowds and people in general. That's why Sis thinks I have PTSD. Maybe I'm in denial, I always thought I was stronger than that. Anyway, I was staring into that void, literally shaking and I realized two things. First, there was no way I was going into that hole, not yet anyway. The second thing I knew was that I had to make some kind of progress or I would never forgive myself. I decided to take a baby step and reach my hand past the boundary of darkness.
It was one of the oddest and disconcerting experiences of my life... very subtle, not like those movies where something or other grabs your hand or bites it or some such. As soon as my hand broke the barrier of darkness, it became colder. When I reached further into the void, the cold extended further up my arm. That wasn't the only thing. The sounds of voices became louder and even weirder than that, they were familiar, almost like a auditory déjà-vu. I couldn't remember what was said or who might have said what, but by this point my entire body was shaking.
I pulled my arm out and dashed back from the opening. You would have laughed at me, I was like some little girl...shaking, hyperventilating, and sweating all at the same time. I grabbed my stuff and left. I've seen enough horror movies to know that that hole is bad news.
I wish you were here already, I'd like to take you to see it. I figure having someone with me will bolster my courage. Despite being spooked, my curiosity is torturing me. Don't worry though, I'm not going back till you get here, I just wish I didn't have to wait six weeks.
Write you soon,
Riley
July 10
Willy,
Well, my sister won out. I started getting so antsy and irrational after going back to the cave that she kept pestering me until I finally gave in and agreed to talk to a counselor, provided he came out here to talk to me. Dina really didn't need to pester me too much, my nightmares have gotten more frequent and I haven't had a good night's sleep since the last time I wrote you.
The counselors name is Travenor Caldwell and he's a vet (Vietnam Era). He's also a double amputee (left arm, left leg), but let me tell you...you'd never know until he was right next to you...great prosthetics. What I'm trying to say is he's got top-notch creds and gravitas...nice guy too. We talked and had a few beers. Naturally, I had to put on the old tough-guy attitude and act like I was fine and of course, he knew exactly what I was doing, so the conversation went really well.
Basically, almost everything he suspected was bugging me was in fact bugging me. He said it looked like I'd held the shit in so long that there just wasn't any room in my psyche and it was starting to spill over into my life. He told me that most of the PTSD he deals with is a result of guilt, not fear or even apprehension. He also told me that unless I address the issues, I'm gonna get worn down and eventually break. The problem is I think I'm a lot further along that downward spiral than I let on to Travenor, and certainly further than my sister knows.
I'm not really sure how to get theses thoughts and images out of my head. I don't really want to think about them at all, but it seems all I do is think about them. I hoped that just living out here in nature with no one around would calm me, would fix me somehow, but that just hasn't happened. It's made things worse, actually. The quiet and the dark at night are like fertilizer to the memories I've worked so had to erase. I see faces of our friends in the shadows. I thought I saw Katzy in the window last night, standing there like the last time we saw him, right before he took that step he never should have taken. I even find myself crying in the dark.
I am so sorry for subjecting you to all this whiny complaining. I don't want to scare you off. I promise I will broach no topic more philosophical than what movies I want to go see.
I'll check in with you in a week or so.
Stay healthy,
Riley
July 14
Hey Will,
First off, you can't mention what I'm going to tell you to anyone, especially not Dina.
I know I told you I wasn't going back to the cave, but I did. I couldn't sleep, I was just sitting up in bed all night staring at the window until the first shafts of sunlight from the dawn shot in. It kind of snapped me out of a stupor and I got up and made myself breakfast. You gotta understand that I haven't had the energy to make myself breakfast in nearly a month. I felt energized and I knew I had to go back to the hole.
I realized that there had to be some kind of connection between that cave and this breakdown I'm having. These ghosts in the shadows, the visions of the war, our dead friends, it had to be for some reason and the only thing that had changed was finding the crevasse. I left right after I ate.
It was nice and sunny when I started out, but by the time I got to my destination it was overcast and dark. My previous good spirits became equally gloomy, but I was determined. I went to the entrance and settled in. The warm fetid air blew out and over my body and I could hear the mumbled voices in the depths of the darkness in front of me. I sat there for quite awhile as I got my nerve up. When I was ready, I stood and reached my hand in as I had done before. Just like last time it became noticeably colder. I put my hands to either side of the opening on the stone surface and leaned forward until my entire head was past the wall of darkness, looking into the abyss, into oblivion.
I was overcome by the complete absence of light in front of me. I snapped my head around to see if I could still look out. Thankfully, I could. The outside of the cave was clearly visible. It was a great relief. I turned back around and that's when I realized how cold it was. More than that, I could no longer smell the exotic odors that were so evident a foot behind me. Instead there was a complete lack of smell. Nothing, not the smell of dirt, or of damp, no aromas of flowers or moss. And the air was dry, like the middle of a frozen field in winter.
As I was about to pull my head back out, I heard the voices. The seemed clearer. I listened carefully and then my heart began to race. I recognized several of the voices. There was Katzy, and sergeant Bennet, and my bunkmate at boot-camp, and then there was your voice...your voice, Will. I got so freaked that I jerked back and fell on my ass outside the cave.
I thought for a long while and decided that if I was going to actually enter the cave, I'd need to prepare. A warm coat, water, that kind of stuff. To do this right. A good night's sleep, too. So I came back to my cabin and here I am. A quick trip to town for supplies tomorrow and then back to the cave the day after. My mind is made up.
I'll drop you a line before I head out.
Soon,
Riley
July 16
My good friend,
Today's the day! Come hell or high water, I'm going into the cave as soon as this letter's done. I went to town yesterday and got new lights, ropes, grapples, and anything I could think of that I might need. I'm bringing along winter gear (even though its gotten pretty hot out, mid-nineties, if I have to guess). Thermal underwear, boots, the whole enchilada. My pack must weigh sixty pounds.
I'm pretty nervous, but this is something I need to do. I'm not sure what it is about this hole that's drawing me in, but I know its calling me for some reason. Each day more of those horrible memories are flooding back. I can't go ten minutes without hearing screams and gunfire, without seeing the faces of our dead friends. I envy you. You were lucky enough to be gone for that one horrible week and to be honest, a part of me resented you for your luck.
I see faces in every corner, in every patch of undergrowth. I wish I knew what this void has to do with it, but the cave sings to me whenever I let my guard down. It's almost like it's promising me relief, a way out of the nightmare in my head. I don't know, maybe I am finally completely crazy. I certainly feel that way, especially after I read the things I'm writing.
I don't know what I'll do if the cave doesn't provide any answers at all. I can barely function any more. It takes all my will power to carry on a conversation without reacting to all the noises and visions flying around in my head.
Anyway, I'm going now. Wish me luck. Send good thoughts and hope something comes of this adventure. I'm not sure how long I can go on living in the shadow of the war. It just won't let go of me, it just pulls me closer to the horror I've tried to ignore for so long.
Hopefully, I will write you soon. You've always been a good friend. I know we met at a bad time in a bad place, but everything about our friendship has been a stabilizing force on my life and you have been a true brother to me. God bless you keep you safe.
Your friend,
Riley
July 29
Sergeant Parnell,
I am sorry to involve you in this, but I know that you and Riley are very close. He has been missing now for over a week. I appreciate all the things you remembered and told me over the phone and I understand that you are not in a position to call me. It's easy to forget that there are still places in the world where phones just don't work.
The letters you forwarded are very disturbing and I fear that Riley might have hurt himself. He was in a much worse state than even his letters to you indicated. I love my brother dearly, but he came back to me severely damaged and I have lived in fear of something like this happening. I have never felt such profound sadness as the many times I saw him sitting in an empty room, crying.
When he moved out of town to that cabin, I was worried for him, but he really seemed to want it. Things got worse and then he wouldn't return. I can't help blaming myself for not insisting he stay with me.
The authorities scoured the woods, but were unable to find the cave he mentioned. They believe he became lost and disoriented and just wandered deeper into the forest. They will keep looking, but everyone is now fearing for the worst. I'll keep you informed.
Thank you for being such a good friend to Riley. He really loved you and thought of you as an older brother. Your support was, I believe, all that kept him from unraveling sooner than he did.
Thank you,
Dina Collins
August 9
Sergeant Parnell,
I tried to contact you by phone, but was told you were somewhere where that was not possible, so I apologize for any delay in the news.
They found Riley! He was unconscious in the forest about ten miles from his cabin. He is in fair health in the hospital right now. The only real physical damage he suffered was the loss of two fingers to frostbite.
The doctors don't know how this happened since the temperature has never dropped below the sixties, but it is a small price to pay. The trauma seems to have affected his memory since he appears to have no recollection of recent events.
There are other holes in his memory too, but we won't know the extent of the losses till he is in a better condition to talk. I'll keep you informed.
Thanks for all your help,
Dina Collins
August 16
William,
My sister told me that I needed to write you and after she explained our friendship, I was anxious to do so. My memory loss is disconcerting, it is as though four years of my life have been sucked out of my brain. I can't remember anything after graduating college up until I woke up in the hospital.
I am told I was in the service, but there is no trace of that life in my memories. I am sorry I don't remember you and hope we can rebuild some portion of the friendship we had. Please try to come visit sometime. I know it will be uncomfortable, but if we were as close as Dina says, it will be worth it.
I am doing fine otherwise. I feel great and everyone is treating me like a long lost child. I am living with Dina and have decided to go back to school for a masters. I met a cute nurse who seems to like me (no accounting for taste). I hardly miss my fingers (left pinky and ring-finger...a great excuse not to get married). I don't think I've ever felt better.
Dina says I own a cabin, but I don't seem to have any desire to see it. I think I'll sell the property and use the money to visit Europe, the grand tour, like my folks did when they were young. Life is good.
Thank you for all the concern you have shown. I don't think I want to remember my time in the service, but I would like to remember you, so please come and visit.
Your once and future friend,
Riley Parnell