Tan
I woke up 3 hours later, refreshed and heavy. There was a familiar tightness in my chest that i couldn't get rid of, i got into my car and drove over to Daniels place. It was better than staying at the dorm and worrying about that idiot i love. I pressed the doorbell and was welcomed by the butler, he kindly let me in as he always did.
"Young master is in his bedroom" he informs me, i nod and walk up the familiar staircase to the double doors of 'young masters' bedroom. I enter the room to find him putting on a dark blue suit, that brought out the hazel in his eyes. "What do you think?" he asked, "you look nice...listen, i have to tell you something" i said and he turned me, his laid back expression becoming more serious.
"What is it?" he asked and i walked closer, "did you kill someone?" he continued and i shook my head.
"Lets break up" i said bluntly, for a second he was nonchalant the next his eyes had widened. "Why?"
"I....its me, not you" i said and he scoffed, "don't give me that bullshit, tell me the truth"
"I uhh cheated on you" i admitted
"What? when, why?"
"A few hours ago....i'm sorry"
"I know that our relationship wasn't great, but if you didn't want to try, you should've said something earlier"
"Are you not mad?"
"I already cheated on you, last week"
"And you didn't say anything?!?"
"I didn't think you'd care and i was right"
"Of course i'd care"
"No need to lie, you are more mad to have your trust broken, your heart was never with me anyway"
"Why didn't you break up with me then?"
"You are great in bed, what if we do it one more time...for old times sake?" i shook my head, "no thanks"
"i thought so"
I drove to aunties restaurant near my dorm, the same one that used be me and Runes go to place. I entered the place i'd avoided for so long and took a seat at our usual spot, "haven't seen you here for awhile, wheres that boy you are always with?" said the waiter, i gave a half smile "We're not friends anymore". "That's unfortunate, he was a really sweet boy" she said before taking my order. I felt terribly alone in that moment, slowly my eyes drifted to the familiar spot on the table. I traced the etched in letters with my finger, 'T + R'...
"Don't do it, its stupid" i said, grabbing his hand that held the pen, "c'mon, why not?" Rune asked. "Its cringey" i deadpanned and he shook his head "the world needs to know of my undying love for you" he joked and i snatched the pen from him, putting it back on the table. "Yeah, because everyone knows what T plus R means" i said sarcastically, "as long as we know, its fine"
"Not interested, besides, what makes you think we'll be together forever?" i said as he wrote in the letters into the wooden table anyway, disregarding my words.
"If we break up, its because you stopped caring" he said.
He was wrong, we couldn't be together because he'd stopped caring. I grabbed a pen from the front and sat down, i reached over the letters, the pen tip hovering right over. Wouldn't it be better if i just crossed it out? i pressed the tip into the wood yet i couldn't bring myself to draw those two overlapping lines, why couldn't i just stop?
"Here's your food" the waiter said, i gave her a smile, immediately stuffing the pen into my pocket. Sometimes i wished i never met Rune but then i couldn't imagine my life before him. He was the best thing that happened to me yet he was the one who causes me so much pain, i'm in a dilemma with no solution. I just wish i could feel something other than yearning, its been so long that i hate it. I hate that i love Rune. I hate that he stopped loving me. I hate that he left. I wish i could hate him but i could still remember those words he'd whispered to me in that room as he held me close to him, 'i love you' he said and then the world stopped and for the first time i felt something real.
"Fuck you Rune" i muttered before digging into my food.
"You ready for tomorrow?" my father asked, i nodded as i sat down at the bar. Ever since i started working under my father, iv'e been coming to this bar more often than not. I was glad that no one recognized me. "Is there anything i need to know before we go there?" i asked as i sipped on my water, "no" he answered. "Why are you suddenly working with Anurak? I thought you guys hated each other"
"It wasn't up to me, my boss had ordered it...why are you asking? is it because of that boy?" i immediately shook my head, "why would i care about him? His father killed my sister" my father nodded before downing his bottle of beer. "Good" he said before disappearing in the crowd of bodies. I had no doubt he'd be hooking up with someone, cheating on my mother. I remember the day he'd admitted it without hesitation, he didn't even try to cover it up. It was then when i knew that he was no one to me, that he couldn't be saved. It was so difficult to tell my mother but she had taken it better than i'd thought, but i guess when you find out your husband is a serial killer, everything else becomes trivial.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and i quickly answered it after leaving the bar. "Don't worry, i'll be there soon" i said immediately, "okay" Rune said before hanging up. I texted my dad i'll be back and then i left to that same motel.
"Did you make the call?" Rune asked the moment i entered the room, "yeah"
"Did they believe you?"
"They have to, an anonymous tip about your father being at a drug exchange? red-handed? they will be there"
"You seem so sure"
"If we're not confident, this whole thing will fail" i said even though, deep down, i was still unsure. What if they disregarded my words and we fail? I looked at Rune, his expression unreadable. Every time i look at him, he only seemed to make my heart skip a beat, could there be anyone like him? I don't think so, he was one of a kind. "So i guess this is it, this is where we part ways-for good" i said
"Is that what you want?" of course it wasn't, i wanted to devour him, keep him for myself. But more than that, i wanted him to love me and only me.
"Isn't it what you want?"
"Its for the best"
"I don't want to hear whats for the best, i want to know what you want" i stated, annoyed by his answer
"That's what i want"
"If you say so"
"You sound like you don't believe me"
"Does it matter what i think?"
Silence
Rune
Of course it mattered what he thought, i was doing this for him. I'm leaving for him, because he is the one stopped loving me. "It does, we are working together after all" i said instead
"Just do what you want, i'm leaving"
"Wait-be careful tomorrow" i blurt, he nods "you too" then he is gone.
I walk back into my house, feeling terrible. I guess i had been right.
"What are you doing here Achara?" i asked, annoyed by her presence.
"I'm here for you...i just want to make sure you're okay, you seem sad lately" she sympathized but i wanted none of it, despite her sweet exterior she was sly and cunning like a snake. But that's what you'd expect considering her father is my fathers best friend. "You can leave now" I sat down feeling exhausted, my thoughts wouldn't stop and i could help but be worried about the outcome of tomorrow. Aside from that, everything just seemed so dull, there was no joy in anything in life anymore. All i felt was exhaustion and sadness and irrevocable loneliness. Life was quite boring and i'm only 20, there was nothing to look forward to. When iv'e finally gotten my revenge for my mother tomorrow, there would be nothing for me, i'd have no purpose. What did that mean for me? If i had nothing, no one...did it matter if i just died? There'd be no one to miss me when i'm gone nor when i'm alive so whats the point?
Achara moved closer to me, slowly she crawled over me, straddling me. Her tight skirt rode up, revealing more of her skin. "Touch me" she whispered, her lips at my ear. I might as well right? It had been a year since i'd last had sex anyway, even if mostly it was because i missed Tan, i really had no interest in anything or anyone. Maybe if i did it with her, i'd feel something else that wasn't loneliness. Hence, i kissed her and i waited, for that feeling, that warmth, that fire i felt when i kissed Tan but there was nothing. It only made me feel worse, more alone. But at least i was wanted.
I woke up at 6 am, Achara was gone and i was alone. I sat up, staring at nothing in particular as all the anxiety and worries from last night rushed to the center of my thoughts. I reached over my bed, grabbing a pill and water to calm my pounding head. The overthinking was really getting to me. I finally managed to get out of bed and into the bathroom.
I rubbed the foggy mirror, revealing my pale face. Dark, lifeless eyes stared back at me, i was almost shocked to realize that it was me in that reflection. I am that lifeless figure in the mirror. I slipped on a bath robe and left the bathroom to get dressed for my morning run, the only thing that could clear my head these days. I put in my earphones and ran outside.
I was hungry when i'd completed my run, i somehow found myself walking into aunties restaurant. I sat at our usual place, my eyes immediately finding the engraved letters as they always did when we used to come here. "Hey darling, haven't seen you here for awhile. Your handsome friend was just here, if you came earlier, you could've met him" the owner says smiling, i look up at her "he comes here often?"
"Only since a few days ago," i nod and give her my order. I press my forehead against the table, lost in thought. Once the food arrived, i quickly dug in. I picked up the dumpling, Tans favorite...what was i waiting for? I have nothing to lose after tonight, i might as well tell him how i feel, right? Even if that means rejection, what happened to the me that didn't care? My mind was set, tonight, when this was all over, i'd tell him how i felt. There would be no one between us anymore, we could be together as long as he wanted it. I hope he did, if not, then for his sake, i would leave.
Even if that meant i'd be alone again, it wouldn't be the first time.
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