"Dipper! I'm going to be out for three days hunting the elusive Moth Man. He owes me money"
Ford was telling his nephew, who was sitting on his bed with an open Journal #3 in his hands.
"I trust you to look after my journals while I'm gone."
A huge, exhilarated expression flashed across Dipper's face, the very same one that somehow always managed to find its way onto his face whenever Ford was around.
"All three journals?" He exclaimed. "Me? After? Look?"
"Yes, those are most of the words I said, in a somewhat worrying order" Ford said, as he started to climb the window. "Try not to sit too close to the TV."
And with that, he leapt right through the window, shattering the glass. The instant his feet touched the ground, he bolted into the forest, a serious expression clouding his face.
"And I'm off!"
Stan, who was standing outside the Mystery Shack just a few feet away from where Ford had landed, raised a shaking fist into the air angrily.
"Use the door next time, show-off!" He shouted.
Still in their room, Dipper turned towards (y/n) and Mabel, who were both sitting on the latter's bed with journals one and two in their hands respectively.
"Mabel! (y/n), this is amazing! I finally have all three journals!" Dipper exclaimed, unable to contain the eagerness on his face. He held the journal open for them to see. "According to this, Ford once dated a siren!"
"And a chimera, a lady manotaur, a plant sprite, and a vampire-ghost halfling" (y/n) chanted from memory. "You know, if you count a clingy blood-sucking parasite as a date. Personally, I don't see much of a difference."
"Wowie zowie! Paranormal rashes!" Mabel chimed in, holding up her journal as well. "This was sure worth the wait!"
Suddenly, the sound of the doorbell echoed throughout the entire house.
"Is that your friends?" Dipper asked, as the three of them made their way down the stairs towards the door.
"Don't think so..." Mabel was saying. "Grenda usually head-butts the door."
(y/n) opened the door to reveal none other than the richest girl in Gravity Falls, Pacifica Northwest.
"Well, if it isn't my best friend's cousin" (y/n) said, jamming a hand on her hip.
"Pacifica! My favorite frenemy!" Mabel said cheerfully, winking as she did so. "Or is it enem-friend?"
Dipper smiled and waved in his usual awkward manner.
"Heh, long time no see, Pacifica!" He said. "Any more ghosts try to murder you this week?"
Pacifica hung her head low, her bangs covering the top half of her face.
"I wish, Dipper. It's so much worse" she said dramatically.
She suddenly lifted her head up for them to see, pointing frantically at a soft pink line underneath her left eye.
"I got my first wrinkle!" She exclaimed, a panicked expression flashing across her face. "Look!"
Dipper tried to hold in his laughter, but he couldn't help it. He suddenly started to chortle uncontrollably, wiping a tear from his eye.
"It's not funny!" Pacifica exclaimed, clearly upset at the outburst.
(y/n) sighed, then rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Pacifica, that little wrinkle is nothing" she reassured her. "I got my first scar when I was three! It turns out, hot skin-flaying battery acid does more damage than you might think."
She started to roll up her shirt sleeve to reveal the nasty scar on her left shoulder.
"Wanna see?"
"NO! No, I'm good!" Pacifica exclaimed, shielding her eyes as (y/n) pulled her sleeve down again. Pacifica sighed, and pulled out a magazine for the triplets to see. It was titled, 'Better Families Than Yours,' and plastered on the front cover was a perfect photo of her, Preston, and Priscilla Northwest.
"Look, our annual Northwest Family magazine cover shoot is tomorrow" she explained. "Ever since the haunting at Northwest Manor, I've been on thin ice with Mom and Dad. I need to look perfect for this year's photo, or they'll cut off one of my six credit cards!"
"Pacifica, wrinkles are nothing to be afraid of!" Mabel told her cheerfully, pulling the skin around her eyes to reveal her own wrinkles. "Think of them as friends that live on your face and will eventually cover you until you're dead."
"Like scabies!" (y/n) piped in with an equally cheerful manner.
Pacifica sighed sadly, and pulled out a pink mirror.
"You don't understand" she said, touching the small wrinkle on her face. "First it's one wrinkle, then another..."
She looked down at her reflection in the mirror.
"And before you know it, you look like..."
She flipped the mirror around, and found the reflection of an old, wrinkly Stan with a disinterested expression on his face.
"Welcome to your future, Sweetheart" he said.
Pacifica turned to find Stan Pines reclined in a chair, sipping pitt cola carelessly.
"Augh!" She exclaimed, before turning away from them and fingering her wrinkle again.
"My makeup is useless" Pacifica said. "I need your creepy book of nerd magic. If it can chase away a ghost, it can chase away a wrinkle."
(y/n) walked up to her, putting her index fingers together as a calculating expression appeared on her face.
"What if instead, I creature a solution that will prevent you from aging at all, and will allow your body to remain twelve for the rest of time?" She asked, as she placed her hands behind her back.
Pacifica perked up.
"Really? Like what, some sort of smelly potion or de-aging ray?"
(y/n) laughed nervously.
"Y-yeah, a de-aging ray. Exactly what I was going for..." she said, as she dropped the plasma blaster that she had been holding behind her back, and gently kicked it aside.
As Pacifica took a few horrified steps back, Dipper elbowed his sister. Hard.
He then turned to face Pacifica.
"Pacifica, look, I'd like to help, but those journals are super dangerous" he said, crossing his arms in a disapproving gesture over his chest.
"Yeah, their unholy power can only be wielded by a sweaty 12-year-old in shorts" Mabel said, smirking at her brother.
Dipper glared at her.
"And apparently a hyperactive 12-year-old with a knack for being unruly and obnoxious in the worst situations."
Mabel blushed.
"Aw, thanks, bro!"
"I was talking about (y/n)" Dipper said, as he pointed his thumb at (y/n), who merely shrugged in agreement.
Pacifica groaned in disgust.
"Ugh...fine. But can I at least use your powder room?" She asked, as she started climbing up the stairs. "I need to wash the smell of grandpa, pine needles, and death out of my hair."
(y/n) grinned, and elbowed Dipper.
"She's talking about Stan, you, and me" she whispered with a smirk on her face.
Mabel smiled cheerfully at their guest.
"Ha ha! You'll get used to it."
Dipper pointed to a room at the top of the stairs.
"Second door to the left!"
"Don't use the shampoo in the red bottle!" (y/n) yelled after her. "And if anyone asks, it's from Russia!"
Upstairs, Pacifica turned to look over her shoulder to make sure no one was following her.
"It's okay, Pacifica" she reassured herself, as she carefully opened the door to the triplets' bedroom, where Journal #1 was lying on Dipper's bed. "Lying is fine if it's in the service of what really matters."
She picked up the journal and started to flip through its pages.
"Let's see...vampire bite? No... what's the point in being hot if you can't see your own reflection?" She said, as she scanned several more pages. "Fountain of youth? Ugh! Public pools are for hobos!"
She finally stopped on one particular page, with a black and white photo of a man whose hands were in the shot of the image.
"Ah, here we go. Mr. What's-His-Face can fix anything you don't like about your face for a price" she read aloud. "To summon him, simply finish reading this sentence. Yes—this sentence. The one you're reading aloud riiiiiight now."
Suddenly, Pacifica heard the sound of a loud 'Poof!' from behind her.
"You called?" Said a low, sinister voice.
Pacifica turned around to see a floating creature in a lime green plaid coat that covered most of his face, except for his brown bowler hat and his massive, wicked grin with a gold tooth.
"Ah, you there! Magic Butler! Fix my eye bags chop-chop!" She ordered, clapping her hands as if she were talking to an ordinary servant who wasn't floating in a suspicious, face-concealing trench coat. "I've got places to be and people to make jealous!"
"But why stop at eye bags?" The creature said. "I can do so much more. I can give you a face that's completely blemish free. Forever."
He held up a single hand, glowing red with a star symbol burned into his palm.
"Just come closer..."
Meanwhile, the triplets were walking upstairs, wondering if Pacifica was okay since she had been taking so long.
"Oh, Pacificaaa! Where are you?" Mabel called, holding up a lavender sweater with the words 'Love Yourself' embroidered into it. "I knitted you a self-esteem sweater!"
"Mabel's gonna force you to wear it. Just accept it" Dipper added.
"Trust me. I know" (y/n) said with an equally disapproving tone as her brother, lifting her shirt to reveal a sweater underneath that read, 'If you can't handle me, you don't deserve me.'
That was when they noticed their closed bedroom door, and a bright red light glowing behind it.
"Oh no—Pacifica!" Dipper exclaimed.
The triplets entered the room to find a plaid-wearing humanoid creature with its glowing red hand over Pacifica's face.
"I'll pay in cash" Pacifica said from underneath the hand. "Can you break a thousand dollar bill?"
"Pacifica, no!" Mabel exclaimed.
Confused by the newcomers, the creature turned around.
"Wha-?"
His hand slipped from Pacifica's face, and a beam of red energy that he had previously been using on her hit Mabel directly in the face.
"Augh!"
"Mabel!" Dipper exclaimed worriedly. "Are you okay?"
He bent down to see Mabel's face, only to find that it was completely missing. Where her face had once been was empty skin.
"Oh my gosh, he stole your face!!!" Dipper exclaimed.
The creature was standing in front of them, with Mabel's face dangling in one hand.
"Guys! Help!" Her face said, as the creature stuffed her into a bag. "I've never been in a monster's purse, and I don't want to start now!"
"Yes, obviously. I was trying to steal hers" the creature said, gesturing towards Pacifica, "But a face is a face I suppose. Can't be too picky in this market. Thanks for summoning me, by the wa-"
Suddenly, he was blasted from behind and sent flying forward, landing on his knees.
Standing behind him was (y/n), and she had a smoking plasma blaster in her hands.
She lunged at him, a savage expression in her eyes.
"Raaaaahhh!"
The creature's eyes widened.
"And my work here is done!" he said quickly, disappearing with a poof of green smoke in the shape of a skull, which dissipated as (y/n) dove through it, landing on the floor with empty hands.
She muttered a curse under her breath, and kicked a nearby desk.
Dipper turned towards Pacifica angrily.
"Pacifica! This is all your fault!" He accused. "I told you not to touch that journal!"
"I'm sorry! Northwests are naturally good at lying! It's hard to turn it off!" Pacifica said, before turning towards (y/n). "You of all people should know that."
(y/n) opened her mouth, about to argue back, only to close it upon realization that she was right. However, she wasn't about to admit that to Pacifica of all people.
"So what are we going to do now?" She asked.
On the floor next to a pile of paper and crayons, Mabel suddenly had an idea. She tugged at her siblings' hands until she got their attention, then bent down and started writing something on a piece of paper with a pink crayon.
"My face can see out his bag! He's running towards Main Street! Whaaaat?"
It was decided. Dipper and (y/n) started to walk out the door.
"Mabel, stay here" (y/n) said.
"We're going to hunt down that creep and get back your face!" Dipper said determinedly.
Pacifica bent down to examine Mabel's blank face.
"On the bright side, though, your skin is super smooth" she complimented, only to be dragged away by an irritated Dipper.
"I can't believe you, Pacifica!"
(y/n) was driving the golf cart, with Pacifica sitting in the passenger seat. Dipper was in the back because he was polite. However, that didn't stop him from reprimanding her.
"Didn't you learn anything after the ghost incident? Even your cousin managed to grow as person."
"Look, I happen to care about my appearance, alright?" She snapped back. "Just like how you care about kissing aliens or whatever!"
"I've never kissed an alien!" Dipper exclaimed, outraged and embarrassed. "I've never kissed anyone!"
"Well, obviously! You live in a barn!"
(y/n) suddenly slammed on the breaks, sending Pacifica and Dipper flying forward before snapping back up. She then turned around and looked at both of them, an enraged expression across her face.
"So help me, if I hear any more fighting, I am turning this cart around!" She shouted angrily. "Understand?"
"Yes, mom" Pacifica said sarcastically.
(y/n) glared at her hard, before deciding that this fight was not worth winning and starting the golf cart again.
While (y/n)'s eyes were on the road, Pacifica and Dipper glared at each other.
"I'm already regretting bringing you on this" Dipper muttered under his breath to her.
Suddenly, Pacifica pointed forward.
"There he is!" She shouted, gesturing towards the mysterious creature, who was running down main street with the bag in his hands.
"Help me!" Mabel's face shouted from inside the bag. "It smells like mothballs and morning breath in here!"
"Try to catch me if you dare!" The creature shouted, running up to the door of one of the buildings just as the three of them hopped off the golf cart after him.
He slammed the door behind them as Dipper reached him.
"But you'll find..."
Dipper opened the door, only to be face to face with a brick wall that hadn't been there before.
"...that I'm not anywhere!"
"That's not normal" Pacifica said worriedly.
"No, it's paranormal. Welcome to my life" Dipper said. "Now how do we get in?"
"Didn't that freak show have some kind of key?" Pacifica asked.
Dipper's face suddenly lit up as an idea came to mind.
"Wait of course, that's it!"
He reached into his pocket to take out the key, only to find that it was empty.
He then turned towards (y/n).
"(y/n), give it back" he said, holding out his hand.
"What makes you think I have it?" She asked with a wrongly accused tone.
Dipper raised an eyebrow at her.
(y/n) sighed, and reached into her tool belt, pulling out the key and reluctantly placing it into his outstretched hand.
"(y/n), you can pick locks and you have a phasing belt. Do you really need my president's key?"
"See, it was more like a thing where I only wanted it because you had it?" (y/n) admitted sheepishly. "I was gonna give it back once you lost interest, I swear!"
Pacifica raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"What kind of key is that?" She asked.
Dipper grinned and held the key up in the air.
"The President's Key! A former president gave it to me!" He said. "I think he might have also given me cholera. Might wanna get that checked out."
He then looked at Pacifica with a serious expression.
"Prepare yourself, Pacifica. If I know Gravity Falls... things are gonna get weird."
And with that, he inserted the key into the hole, and turned.
The door knob suddenly lit up, and when Dipper swung open the door again, the brick wall was gone.
It had been replaced by what looked like a giant throat, complete with the red inner skin, sharp teeth, and intoxicating saliva.
Pacifica looked down at the tunnel with fear and disgust.
"Oh fun, a tunnel made of living skin. Yeah, I'm not going in there."
Dipper glared at her.
"Our sister has no face because of you! We're going in!"
"Are you insane? This hallway has teeth!"
"You wanted to mess with magic? Well congrats, Pacifica—today you're messing with magic." "Don't mind me over here, preparing our way down the dark throat tunnel of despair" (y/n) said, pulling a rope out of her toolbelt and looping it around a nearby lamp post. "No need to walk away from a pointless, one-sided argument to help me. Now, are both of you able to climb down a rope?"
"Yes" Pacifica replied.
"No" Dipper replied, at the same time as her.
(y/n) rolled her eyes.
"Why do I even bother to ask when I already know the answer?"
Instead of tying the rope around the pole, she looped the rope around it and tied the end around her waist. Then, she tossed the other end down the tunnel of living skin, still keeping the rope in her hand.
Then without warning, she leapt down into the tunnel, letting the rope slide through her hands as she plummeted through the darkness.
Pacifica and Dipper watched from the top as the darkness swallowed her.
"(y/n)?" Dipper called down. "You down there?"
For a brief moment, there was no response, until the rope started moving upwards. The empty loop that had formerly been around (y/n)'s waist was raised into view.
"Tie the rope around your waist! I'll belay you down!" (y/n) shouted from below. "One at a time please!"
Dipper and Pacifica looked at each other.
"Ladies first" Dipper said mockingly.
Pacifica shot a nasty glare at him.
"Aaargggh..." (y/n) strained, struggling with pulling the rope with Dipper hanging on the other end. Meanwhile, Pacifica was sitting there, looking at her reflection in her hand mirror, particularly at the delicate wrinkle.
(y/n) let out another pained grunt before taking in several haggard breaths.
"You know, I never thought that I'd ever say this to you, but I could use your help over here" she said to Pacifica through gritted teeth.
In response to that, Pacifica glared at her.
"We can't all be heavy lifters" she said. "Some of us are born to do much better things. Besides, the lifting could give me even more wrinkles."
(y/n) was in too much pain to do much more than give her an irritated look.
"I don't know why I bothered to ask" she muttered under her breath. "It's not like you're good for much else than sitting there looking pretty."
Pacifica stared even harder at the hand mirror.
When Dipper was about two feet from the ground, (y/n) let go and let him drop to the floor.
"Thanks, (y/n)" said Dipper, glaring at Pacifica as he said (y/n)'s name.
"Don't thank me" said (y/n), as she pointed her thumb back sarcastically at Pacifica. "I couldn't have done it without her."
Pacifica rolled her eyes, then turned her attention towards their surroundings.
They appeared to be behind a pile of dark barrels. In front of them looked to be some sort of monster's marketplace, complete with a witch selling hands, a shadow selling curses, and a robed figure selling memories among them. Creatures everywhere were sitting behind stands and exchanging currency to purchase various items.
The sounds of monsters advertising their own products echoed throughout the entire space.
"Severed hands! Straight from a wet cave!"
"Assorted curses! Back by unpopular demand!"
"Repressed memories! Buy one, forget one free!"
"Nightmare fuel! Get it while it's traumatizing!"
"Where are we?" Pacifica asked.
"Incredible! I read about this in the journal!" Dipper said in amazement. "It's a paranormal black market under the town! This must be where Gravity Falls' weirdness hides during the day!"
He pulled out the journal, and thumbed through it until he came across a page labelled 'The Crawlspace.'
"The Crawlspace! Apparently, the author searched for it for years, but never found his way in!" He said eagerly. "We must be the first humans to make it inside alive!"
(y/n) caught sight of one particular monster walking towards them; a green cyclops with horns, fangs, and a bright red bushy beard.
She pulled both Dipper and Pacifica down behind the barrels.
"Um, yeah... about that..." she said anxiously, as her fingers started to fidget uncontrollably. "I may or may not have found this place before, made a couple of deals, cheated monsters out of money and parts..."
The monster that she had pulled them out of sight from suddenly walked right by them, pausing just a few inches in front of their hiding space before finally walking away.
The three of them exhaled in relief.
Dipper glared at her.
"Let me guess. You're responsible for the 'No Humans Allowed' sign?" he said, pointing to the large sign behind them.
"Amongst other things" she replied, eyeing a wanted poster plastered to the wall behind them, with her picture sprawled across it. The poster read, '(y/n) Pines. Wanted for stealing, caffeinator trafficking, assault, false advertising, and being an all-around jerk.'
"What do you know, only $50,000 for someone who blew up the entire black market. Literally and economically!"
"Wow. If this is what your days are like, I understand why neither of you have any friends" Pacifica said. "So how are we going to find your sister's face at this horror show with a bounty over her head?"
She gestured towards (y/n) as she said that last part.
Dipper placed his finger under his chin as he started to think.
"I have a hunch that everyone here has a price" he said. "But we're going to need disguises."
He suddenly pointed at a nearby garbage dump.
"Quick! We need to cover ourselves in garbage so we blend in!"
Pacifica looked at him with horror and shock.
"What?"
"You don't want to be eaten by monsters, do you?"
Reluctantly, Pacifica reached into the garbage, picked up a slime covered fish bone, and squished it against her hair amongst other things in the garbage.
"Ughh, fine... like this?"
She looked up to see that neither of the Pines siblings were covering themselves in garbage like her. (y/n) was looking at her brother in confusion as Dipper was trying his best to contain his laughter.
"I just said that to see if you'd do it" he said behind a large grin.
"For a second, I thought you just lost your marbles" (y/n) said to her brother. "Most monsters down here actually consider garbage to be a delicacy."
Pacifica was enraged, clenching her fists that were trembling in rage.
"What?! Oh, you are so dead!!"
"(Y/N) PINES!!!" boomed a new voice coming from behind them.
The three of them turned around to find the same green cyclops that had walked right past them just a few minutes ago. He was carrying a heavy barrel in each hand, and had an intense scowl plastered across his face.
(y/n) shot a huge grin at the cyclops, trying her best to smile away her anxiety.
"Hey, Claudius! Long time no see!" She said with the most charming tone she could muster. "Love what you did with the beard. It really pulls the whole homeless hobo look together nicely and hides that fourth chin that's a serious crime against nature..."
Claudius leaned in suddenly, until he was only a few inches away from her.
"You still owe me $10,000 from our last deal" he said.
"Do I?" (y/n) said. "I owe money to a lot of ugly, oversized green goblins who are need of a breath mint and better morals."
"You're one to talk" Claudius said. "I would pulverize your puny body right now, but I'm sure that someone with a much higher score to settle with you will pay me handsomely for your capture."
He greedily eyed her wanted poster above her head.
"Let's see if you're worth more than $50,000."
(y/n) flashed him a charismatic, but pained smile.
"As much as I'd love to see how much someone who hates me is willing to pay for my servitude and or torture, I've got places to be, suckers to steal from, worlds to blow up... "
She started to walk away, only for Claudius to catch her by the back of her collar, and lift her into the air.
He then turned towards the two remaining children.
"And who are you two supposed to be?" He questioned. "Accomplices?"
"Uh, certainly not!" Dipper exclaimed anxiously, fidgeting with the rope that was still tied around his waist. "We're... uh... "
"Um, isn't it obvious?!" Pacifica said with a much more confident tone. She gestured towards herself arrogantly.
"I'm Jackie the elf bandit, and this is my servant, Troll Boy" she said. "I'm here to sell him into indentured servitude."
"What?!" Dipper shrieked, outraged.
Pacifica yanked the rope around him angrily.
"Quiet, Troll Boy!"
She then turned back towards Claudius.
"Servants, am I right?"
"Ho ho! You're all right, Bandit Jackie!" He laughed merrily, shaking (y/n) in his hand. "And I love the garbage on your face! So what can I do for you?"
"My servant here is looking for some replacement body parts. For obvious reasons" Pacifica said, holding the rope with Dipper tied with the other end. "I mean, look at his abnormally large head."
"It's not abnormally large!" Dipper shot back.
"Did you say replacement body parts?" A new voice asked.
Pacifica turned to see an insane purple-faced creature with various kinds of limbs sticking out of its head, including human arms, horse legs, and an octopus tentacle to name a few.
"Limby Jimmy's the name, and appendages are my game!" He said with a slightly mad tone. "Lend me your ear and I'll give you a hand, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg! Wacka Wacka!"
Pacifica started walking over towards Limby Jimmy's stand, but Dipper pulled her back.
"We can't just leave (y/n)!" He said, gesturing towards Claudius the monster walking away with (y/n) dangling in one of his hands. She was shouting a string of incoherent curse words.
"She'll be fine. If she was clever enough to get herself into that mess, she'll be clever enough to get herself out of it" Pacifica whispered. "Watch, she'll meet up with us later as if nothing ever happened."
Dipper reluctantly followed after her as she walked up to Limby Jimmy's stand.
"Ugh. We don't need puns. We need faces!" Pacifica said with a disgusted, but confident tone.
"I make puns because I'm deeply insecure! Yuk yuk!" Jimmy exclaimed madly. "If you want faces, talk to that guy!"
He pointed to a creature in a plaid overcoat, carrying a giant sack covered in various faces. He was selling a robed Toby Determined a handsome face.
"A face with a chin!" Toby squealed eagerly. "Now Shandra will remove that restraining order for sure!"
"Pleasure doing business with you" said the creature.
Dipper and Pacifica's eyes widened in recognition.
"That's him!" Dipper cried out, before his face transitioned from recognition to seriousness. "Okay, this it it. We follow him, we find Mabel."
Pacifica was about to follow after him, but a giant crow selling something behind a stand had caught her attention.
"Doctor Crowsfeet's beauty pills!" It cawed. "Guaranteed to cure your wrinkles and make you a stunning queen, girl! Caw!"
Pacifica reached down to take one of the brown beauty pill bottles.
"Wait, beauty pills! I need these!"
Dipper rounded on her furiously.
"Pacifica! We don't have time!"
"But my photo, Dipper! This is my chance!" Pacifica shot back.
"Who cares?"
"I care!"
Dipper growled in fury. She had gotten on his very last nerve.
"Why are you so obsessed with looking impossibly perfect?" He shouted. "Why can't you just accept that you're human?!"
Unfortunately, he had yelled that a little too loud, and monsters started to circle around them.
"Human?" They all said.
"Uh oh" Dipper said sheepishly.
Suddenly, there was a loud 'whoosh!' from underneath them, and they found themselves caught in a net.
"More humans?! Well bless my lack of a soul!" A small bat-like creature said triumphantly.
"We're not humans!" Pacifica exclaimed frantically. "Just dogs! Shaved dogs that can talk!"
Dipper looked at her questioningly.
"What?"
"I don't know! I'm not good under pressure!"
"We've got ourselves a right proper human auction, we have!" The bat creature shouted eagerly. "Demons and gentlemonsters, start your bids!"
Monsters everywhere were frantically trying to pull out their wallets for the bids.
"Oh, gosh! Where's my wallet? Where's my wallet..."
However, they were all beaten by one creature, who quickly held up a single white card.
"Sold!" The bat creature declared. "Hope you kids like burlap!"
Before either of them could react, the buyer held out a sack, and the two of them were dropped in from the net.
"Wait! What do we do?! What about Mabel?!"
Meanwhile, Stan was walking into the living room, scratching his back carelessly in a slouched position.
"Mabel, have you seen my world's most distracting object?" He asked.
He looked at Mabel, who was sitting on the couch watching TV, facing away from him.
"I could have sworn I left it in the—"
Mabel suddenly turned towards him, revealing her completely empty face. She held up a single red marker, and very messily drew a squiggly curved line on the bottom of her face to look like a smile.
Stan stared at the horror scene with wide, disturbed eyes before slowly scooting out of view...
"Let us out!" Dipper howled, pounding uselessly on the inside of the burlap sack.
Pacifica was preoccupied with the bottle of beauty pills.
"Okay, let's get a look at these beauty pills" she said aloud, as she turned the bottle to examine the label.
"Side effects: spontaneous face explosion" she read aloud. "Ugh. That's what I get for trusting a crow in a bow tie."
Dipper crossed his arms grudgingly.
"Well, it looks like your dumb obsession with your looks is going to get us sold for spare parts to the crypt keeper. So thanks."
Pacifica shoved the useless bottle of pills into her dress pocket.
"Ugh... I'm sorry... " she said, refusing to make eye contact with him. She sat down glumly with her back facing him so that he couldn't see her dismal expression.
"You wouldn't understand what I'm dealing with."
Dipper stared, debating on what to do before finally sitting down next to her, trying to be a little more sympathetic.
"Well, maybe you could try explaining?"
"There's just so much pressure on me, Dipper" Pacifica said, hugging her knees and looking away from him again. "My mom is a trophy wife. Literally. My dad won her in a yachting competition. She always taught me that beauty was everything..."
Pacifica remembered her mother reading her the story of the ugly duckling when she was younger:
"And then, the ugly duckling never made any friends because his face was weird" Priscilla read aloud to young Pacifica.
"The End."
"Wait, aren't there more pages?" Little Pacifica asked hopefully, clutching her llama plushie.
Without warning, Priscilla suddenly ripped the rest of the pages out of the book.
"Nope!"
And on that note, she started to leave her daughter's bedroom.
"Enjoy your beauty sleep—You've got a pageant tomorrow!" She said, leaving behind a scared young Pacifica.
"...My mom always said people judge a book by its cover" Pacifica said, recalling the picture of the sad ugly duckling in the book next to the remains of the ripped pages.
"I need my cover, Dipper. Because without it... I'm not sure who I really am."
Dipper readjusted his hat.
"Pacifica, you gotta stop worrying about what other people think" he said as gently as he could. "I mean, the happiest people I know are Mabel and Grunkle Stan. One has chips in her hair, and the other never wears pants.
And sometimes, (y/n) can be meaner than even you. And even if she won't admit, it's because she's not confident with who she is either. So every once and a while, Mabel and I have to remind her that she's fine just the way she is."
Dipper recalled that time a few weeks back, when (y/n) had come back cranky. She screamed that she wanted to be left alone and never wanted to be around stupid people again.
While he had been rather irked about being yelled at at first, he found out later that she had tried interacting with other kids to make friends; and that awkward encounter had ended with them ultimately rejecting her.
It had been his idea to have Mabel knit her that sweater, though it had been a nightmare to get that thing on her. But as time passed, he found (y/n) secretly wearing that sweater underneath her clothes every day. She liked to pretend that she only wore it to please Mabel, but Mabel had long stopped trying to force her to wear it.
"As much as I hate to admit it, you're smart, creative, confident... Forget about your dumb parents. Ever since you saved me at Northwest Manor, I've noticed another side of you. I think I see the real Pacifica, and you're more than just a pretty face."
For a moment, Pacifica just stared at him, her eyes filled with shock. Then, she suddenly wrapped her arms around him tightly, as if he were the last thing left in the world.
Dipper stood there awkwardly, having never been hugged by a girl, before finally wrapping an arm around her.
"Your head's not that big" Pacifica said.
Dipper chuckled.
"Ha ha... thanks."
Suddenly, the bag was ripped open, and the two of them were sent sprawling out of the burlap sack and onto the floor.
They appeared to be in a nice hunting room complete with stone walls, a fireplace, and a creepy plaid-coated villain sitting in a velvet crimson chair.
"Look who decided to drop in" he sneered. "I never forget a face."
Instead of animal heads hanging on the walls, there were human faces that all appeared to be alive.
One of those faces was Mabel's.
"Hey, guys! I was wondering when you'd find me!" She said cheerfully. "I've actually been having fun down here—making friends, spitting on things. I taught these guys to do the wave with our tongues!"
"Please! Get rid of her!" One of the other faces pleaded.
Pacifica pointed a finger at the creature accusingly.
"You! That flyer was false advertising! Gimme Mabel's face back, and nobody gets sued!"
But the cloaked creature didn't even seem to be the least bit threatened, even reclining back in a more relaxed manner.
"Oh, Pacifica, my dear child" he drawled. "You're in my world now, and I don't think you're currently in any position to threaten me."
He snapped, and suddenly out of thin air, (y/n) appeared right in front of him. Her arms were tied to her sides by a rope wrapped around her body, and she had a piece of duct tape over her mouth.
She appeared to be shouting muffled curses from underneath the tape.
He stuck a finger under her chin, and lifted it so that she was forced to look him in the eye.
"Such profanity."
Dipper's eyes widened with outrage.
"Let her go!!!" He screamed, lunging straight at him.
But before he could reach her, the villain clapped his hands together, and suddenly both (y/n) and Dipper's faces disappeared, replaced with a blank slate similar to Mabel's.
"Dipper! (y/n)!" Pacifica exclaimed, as she hurried forward to the two faceless bodies. "Oh my gosh! No, no!!"
"Why have one triplet when I can have the complete set?" The creature said, snapping his fingers as (y/n) and Dipper's faces appeared on the wall next to Mabel's.
"Pacifica! Help!" Dipper's face screamed, as (y/n)'s face screamed underneath the tape. Pacifica reared her attention back towards the villain.
"That's enough, you thrift store freak show!" She shouted furiously. "Hand 'em over, or I'll scream so loud the cops will find this place from a mile away!"
"Let's not be so hasty" the creature said. "I can still give you the face you've always dreamed of."
Without warning, the creature's face started to twist uncontrollably, until it suddenly turned into a flawless version of Pacifica's face, complete with the sparkling shimmer, makeup, and wrinkle-free skin.
"Let me keep them, and you could look like this for all eternity" he said. "But fight me, and... "
His face shifted again, and Pacifica's flawless face was replaced with an old, grey-skinned version of her with missing teeth and droopy ears.
"... face your inevitable future."
Pacifica looked at her hideous face in horror.
"Looks don't last, Pacifica. And when you're ugly, no one will love you. So what will it be? Your looks? Or theirs?"
Pacifica reached into her dress pocket.
"How about..."
She pulled out the bottle of explosive beauty pills.
"... Yours!"
Before he could have time to react, Pacifica opened the lid and threw a handful of pills at his face, and they exploded when they came in contact with it.
The monster screamed in agony as his face caught fire.
"My face!" He cried. "My beautiful, flesh-tornado of a face!"
While he was busy, Pacifica snatched up a basket from the floor and ran to the wall.
"Dipper! (y/n)! Mabel! Jump!" She cried.
Dipper, (y/n), and Mabel's faces all leapt from the wall, tumbling into the basket.
"Ha ha ha! Yes! In your various faces!" Mabel's face cried.
"This is the weirdest day of my life" Dipper's face said.
"Mmm hmm" (y/n)'s head muffled, nodding in agreement.
However, the creature wasn't done yet, and it started to pursue them, its face still on fire.
Dipper was reattaching his face as (y/n) was untying herself and pulling the duct tape off her reattached face at the same time.
(y/n) then reached into her tool belt, pulled out the slow motion/fast motion device, and fired the slow beam at the creature.
"That's not gonna last long! We've gotta get out of here!" She yelled urgently to Pacifica, who was running with the basket containing Mabel's face.
"What do we do?!" Pacifica exclaimed.
"I've got a plan!" Mabel shouted. "Go left!"
They were approaching a wooden outhouse, complete with the moon shaped hole at the top of the door.
"What?! Into the outhouse?" Dipper questioned.
"Trust me, just do it!" Mabel's head insisted.
The creature suddenly caught up to them, the slow beam's effects having worn off.
"When I get my hands on you, they'll never find your faceless bodies!" He bellowed.
Dipper yanked open the door, and they all screamed as they bolted through it into the woods outside.
The creature appeared at the exit behind them.
"Prepare to be destroy—"
But before he could do anything, he was suddenly hit by a frozen blast, and in a few seconds he was trapped in a rigid block of ice.
And standing just a few feet away with an ice gun in his hands was none other than Ford, with a faceless Mabel standing next to him.
"Uncle Ford!" Dipper exclaimed in relief.
"Stan called when he found your sister like this" Ford explained. "It's a good thing I'm great at charades."
He then walked towards the frozen creature to examine it himself.
"I've been trying to find that market for years!" He exclaimed.
"Well, you know, I could have told you where to find it" (y/n) said.
Ford crossed his arms over his chest.
"Then why didn't you?"
(y/n) shrugged.
"You never asked."
Ford sighed and rolled his eyes playfully, before turning back towards the frozen creature.
"Well, it looks like I have a new specimen for the bunker! Well done, kids!"
Dipper reached into the basket, pulled out Mabel's face, and stuck it back onto her head.
"Whoo boy! It is great to get the band back together!" She said excitedly, as she put her hands around her eyes. "I missed these two peepers! Boop!"
"Yes! You've got your face back!" Pacifica said enthusiastically. "And..."
Her face suddenly froze in realization
"What time is it?"
(y/n) looked down at her watch.
"5:55."
Pacifica's eyes widened in horror.
"Oh no! My photo shoot is in five minutes, and I look..."
She looked down at the puddle at her feet. Looking back up at her was a girl covered in garbage and scratches, and a bit of her hair was on fire.
She tucked her hair behind her ear gingerly.
"I look like me."
She then turned towards the triplets, and placed a hand gratefully on their shoulders.
"Thanks guys. I needed this."
It was then that Pacifica looked up to see Ford, who still examining the frozen creature. She squinted questioningly.
"Hey, why is Stan suddenly hot now?"
Five minutes later, the Northwest family picture was taken.
Over the image were the words, 'Pacifica goes Pacifi-CRAZY!'
Right in the center of it, Pacifica was covered in garbage, and smiling widely with her tongue hanging out. Preston and Priscilla were both looking at her with disgust and trying to pull away as she was pulling them closer. Nathaniel was leaning on top of Pacifica's head, looking down at his cousin and grinning approvingly.
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The next chapter, "Comix Up," is currently scheduled for release 8/31/19 unless otherwise posted. Thank you for reading this, and thank goodness the storm spared my wifi!
Also, I wanted to note that "The Stans Bros Mystery" will not be included in this book due to it being in the past. While I am aware that (y/n) could invent time travel, that would open all sorts of plot holes around her whole time travel conflict that spreads into several stories. Sorry!