"What do you think you're doing?" I ask bewildered and glancing nervously at Alessio who is now unconscious on the ground. Until now Valentino was just a myth, a bad dream, a creature of the night. Only I had seen him, therefore he only existed to me and for me. Seeing him in daylight, in front of all these people feels odd, out of place. It's like finding a lion out of the zoo.
"You mean him?" He points casually to Alessio's limp body. I've never seen Alessio beat, no one ever has. Alessio is larger than most guys in school, if not the largest. The only people who aren't afraid of him are Tommaso, Marco and I. When Alessio makes a low grunt, showing that he is still alive, I take Valentino's hand in mine and drag him behind the school, out of the prying eyes of my fellow students.
"Yes. No. I mean what are you doing in front of my school?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Valentino extends his arms and raises an eyebrow. I look at him for a clue, but he doesn't offer me any. What's so obvious about this whole situation?
"No. It's not" putting my hands on my hips I wait for him to explain but he doesn't. When I continue to stare at him, he breaks eye contact as though embarrassed. Apparently it isn't obvious to him either. "Valentino, I have to go."
"Wait" he demands just as I am about to leave. Exasperated with his failure to communicate, I stay.
"What?"
"Is that guy your boyfriend?" his question startles me. Valentino takes a step forwards, coming so close he is all I see, feel, smell. I force myself not to become distracted by any part of him. I have to remain focused, detached.
"Alessio? No!" I reply, confused. Why would he ask me that?
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I roll my eyes at the question, it seems such a childish query considering the situation. When I don't answer, he wraps an arm around me, drawing me in.
"I asked you a question, Ana" I shake my head.
"No. I do not have a boyfriend." I snap back. He grins, satisfied.
"Good, because the only man allowed to touch you is me" he states, making it almost sound like a threat.
"And what if I don't want you to touch me?" I ask, sticking my chin up to meet his gaze. He looks down at me with scruitinity, assessing my heavy breathing, my racing heart beat, the way my chest rises and falls at an infrequent and unsteady rhythm.
"You do" he answers, almost insulted by the question and the obviousness of the answer. Kissing my cheek, he lets me go, making his way back to the beautiful Harley parked on the sidewalk. The sudden loss of his warmth causes me to stumble in my steps. Quickly, I regain my composure.
"Where do you think you are going?" I demand, chasing after him. This will not be one of those typical teenage romances where the man leaves the girl wanting more, and she is just supposed to live with it. He turns around, amusement written all over his face.
"I thought you were upset I punched your little friend over there" he points in Alessio's general direction.
"I am! But you can't just say those things to me, and then touch me like that, and-- and smell like you do-- and then just walk away like nothing happened." I stutter and shout, frustrated by the way he is able to affect me.
"Why not?" because I want you, goddamn it!
"Because... it's rude."
"Don't you think we are past that, beautiful?" I ignore the nickname but I see his point.
"Well, why didn't you kiss me?" I ask, confidently. I think I really have lost my mind because I have no clue what I'd do if he really did decide to come back and kiss me.
"I don't know." He replies, startled by his answer. As though having decided something, he makes his way back towards me with long, confident strides. I stumble back, a bit frightened, but he either doesn't notice or chooses to ignore it. I really have no one to blame but myself for this sudden turn of events.
He takes me in his arms once more and with unprecedented speed, crushes his lips to mine leaving me no choice but to open my mouth and kiss him back with equal desire. I wrap my arms around his neck trying to get as close as possible, surrendering my body to lust. When his tongue collides with mine I forget we are standing in front of my school and that he just punched my best friend. I forget the reasons why we came to know each other, the ones that kept me from him last night and I give him what he asks. He is the first to break the embrace.
"Can I walk away now?" he asks humorously, still breathing heavily from the kiss.
"Yeah... I have-- I have school" I reply, straightening my long sleeves shirt and fixing my hair. He kisses my forehead sweetly.
"I like the shirt by the way" and with that snarky comment, he leaves. He gets on his motorcycle and rides away. I knew it had to be his bike.
This changes nothing. I feel nothing.
Picking up my bag I walk away, the image of him walking away behind me ingrained in my mind.
Within the school walls and looking around I couldn't help but think of how different he is to anyone I have ever met. Tall, taller than my own father, strong but lean, his face like a ghostly shadow stretched over a war, his naked scarp, those diamond eye to his, furiously deep above sharp lips so red they could have been rose petals.
"Your friend's one hot piece of ass" one of the many I dislike, walks up to me as I pass by my locker.
"Keep your thoughts to yourself, Saskia" Next to her, I put my bag in my locker while taking out my math notebook and calculator.
"Jeez, chill ice queen" With a flip of her bleach blond hair she walks away, sticking her fake nose up in the air for everyone to admire. Girls like Saskia are great when they keep their mouths shut, and that's it. They have a great body and wear enough foundation to repaint the David. Essentially, they are skin deep,
The hours pass in a blur of note taking, side drawings, and superficial listening. Throwing myself into math, followed by chemistry, gives me a distraction from my argument with Alessio, and the fact that I am going to have to see him eventually. At lunch we sit together, as usual, a fetal attempt to preserve our friendship. I have no doubt it was Tommaso's idea to restrain Alessio from taking me down.
With a plate of broccoli, tomatoes and mozzarella in hand, I headed to my friends' table. It is close to Saskia's table, by the window and near the exit. The walk towards it makes me want to vomit.
"Can I?" I ask Alessio. He stops eating, puts down his fork and leans back in his chair, arms crossed. He is trying to appear cool but the reality is staring right back at me, he has a black eye and cut lip.
"When you start telling the truth you can" The truth... he makes it sound so easy, and yet it's not. There are loopholes and grenades in a story that should stay buried in a dirty, dark basement.
"What if we ignore the past and focus on the future?" I offer.
"Cut the clichés, they don't suit you" I sigh heavily and decided upon what to tell Alessio. Something, basic, simple and digestible.
"Fine. Here's the truth. At least what I know of it." I put down my tray on the table and take a seat in front of him with my legs and arms crossed. "I was knocked out cold at the local's bar, where you saw me. I woke up the next morning naked in my bed" aching and terrified I add in my head, "happy?" Two of my friends appear confused, but Alessio doesn't.
After a long silence, Alessio asks, "why were you at that bar?" I shrug.
"I swam to the beach with a friend, and while he left to get food, I took a walk and found myself at their bar" after another couple seconds of silence he nods his head as though something has been decided.
"Sit." He grants, offering me a look of pity.
"Don't look at me like that" I snap, meeting his gaze.
"What happened?" Marco asks Alessio. I kick Marco in the shin under the table, "Ouch!"
"Ask me! Not him" Marco turns to me, if looks could kill I'd be six feet under.
"Fine, princess. What happened?" I roll my eyes. Does he not get it? Alessio clears his throat.
"Marco, let it go. It's done." The boy who had called me a "whore" hours earlier comes to my rescue.
"Alessio knows. It's done." I add, but Marco still doesn't budge. "We're good!" I shout exasperated. I am tired of reliving the painful memory.
"Alright. Ana, Marco, relax" Tommaso stands, his eyes diverting between us nervously. Tommaso has always been the peacekeeper. We start eating but Marco is still digging holes into my skull. From the other end of the table Alessio whispers something into Marco's ear which makes him stop giving me that look. I can basically see the wheels in his head churning.
"Hey" Tommaso smiles at me sympathetically, covering my hand with his and distracting me from Marco. "If you ever need to talk..."
"I know, thank you" he nods, understanding that despite everything, I will never talk to him about this. I just can't. We finish eating in silence.
Alessio breaks the silence just a couple minutes before the bell rings.
"Hey, did you know that guy that punched me in the face this morning?" Alessio asks trying to appear casual about the whole thing and not like the question has been eating at him this entire time. His pride took a big hit.
"Not really. I met him once at the beach and that was it" I reply with the same casual tone.
"Which guy?" Tommaso asks Alessio.
"Do you remember this morning? When Ana and I were arguing in front of the entire school?" Tommaso nods in response.
"Well, all of a sudden" Alessio begins by saying but I interrupt him with a demanding and purposefully loud cough. If he is going to tell a story, he should tell it right. "Okay, fine. It wasn't that sudden. I called Ana a whore... I am sorry" he apologizes without really comprehending how much the comment hurt. I don't answer. "Anyway" he dismisses the uncomfortable silence, "this creep with a scar jumps out of nowhere and hits me, knocking me out. He kind of reminds me of Rocky, or that vampires in that movie, the American one" he snaps his fingers at Marco.
"Twilight?" Marco laughs.
"Yes! That's it! Twlight" the enthusiasm in Alessio's voice has everyone suppressing a giggle.
"How do you know that movie?" At the question Alessio blushes and swallows a mouthful of chicken.
"It's too bad Edward has a girlfriend, isn't it?" Tommaso shakes Alessio's shoulders earning a deathly stare. Everyone knows that movie, what's funny is that Alessio is so adamant on being seen as the tough guy that he refuses to admit it.
"Don't touch me" Alessio growls at Tommaso.
"It's okay to let your sensitive side shine once in a while" Tommaso teases, as Alessio stuffs another piece of chicken down his throat.
"You guys are assholes"
"Like only we know how" I shout as Alessio gets up with their tray and leaves. Marco follows suit the way he usually does.
Gone Alessio and Marco, Tommaso and I and I are left alone at the table. I am about to ask him if he knows anything about local mafia members, when the devil herself shows up.
"Hey Tommaso" unlike the devil, however, she is predictable. Girls like her crave attention; what men were to the gods in Ancient Greece we are to her. Our admiration makes her stronger. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with girls who like sex, everyone likes sex, after all, it's only natural. What I despise is girls who use sex as a means of achieving something else entirely. Such as popularity or status. In Saskia's case, sex is a sword.
"Hey Saskia" I wave my hand in front of her dazed expression. I can't tell if she is acting or honestly flirting with one of my best friends in front of me. Not that I am jealous. I just know that Saskia never flirts without an ulterior motive. Never do anything for free if you are good at it. Tommaso's eyes are directed up to her face, but as she leans into his chair, completely ignoring me, they move lower.
"Saskia, how are you baby?" He asks her with a stupid grin on his face.
"Honestly? Disappointed" She sighs heavily, placing her long manicured hand on his shoulder as she turns her chest to face me.
"Did you forget your meds?" I sneer innocently.
"No." She doesn't sneer back, which is alarming considering that she generally enjoys playing games. "I just wish you'd told me about that new hot boyfriend of yours" she pouts. She is still playing games. But on a whole different level. She either wants him for herself or is digging for dirt. Perhaps she is afraid I'll climb the social ladder now that I have boy problems. Little does she know, I don't play games.
"I don't have a boyfriend, Saskia"
"Oh?"
"Oh, what?" She is so annoyingly cryptic, not to mention manipulative.
"I'll let you in on a little secret, Ana. A boy doesn't fight for you, if he has no feelings for you." And what would she know about feelings?
"He wasn't fighting for me" I lie.
"Save it." She rolls her eyes, bored by the line of questioning. "Now, Tommaso, would you like to take me to dinner this Friday?" I am about to burst out laughing at the thought, when Tommaso answers.
"Yes" he grins. I kick him in the shin under the table but he ignores it.
"Pick me up at eight" she answers as though she already knew he would accept.
In class Saskia sits with her table of followers and me next to a girl looking beyond uncomfortable. My teacher's lecture is soundless, all I see is Saskia as she whispers and laughs silently, acting so innocent. If Saskia gets her way, she will be sleeping with Tommaso within the week, and then drop him like a bad habit the next.
"Should we start?" The girl in front of me asks.
"The essay? I'll do it, don't worry about it" I reply without bothering to look at her, I hate working in groups. You can't rely on anyone to do exactly what you want, or do anything at all. If you wait for someone to do the work, you will be waiting forever.
"But aren't we supposed to do it together?" now I actually look at her.
"Yeah, but we won't" I snap.
"How do I know you're going to do it well?" Clearly this girl, Kiara, her name is written on the desk, doesn't know me very well.
"Because I never fail" But she remains skeptical. "I'll hand you the essay next class and if you don't like it we can talk about it, how's that Ms. Clouds Are Pink?"
"Fine" Kiara rolls her eyes and we begin working.
"Why are you looking at Saskia like you want to kill her?" Kiara asks her half way through the lesson.
"What do you care who I look at?" she rolls her eyes, again, and goes back to her work.
I am not sure why I am so angry with Saskia, actually. Maybe it's because she said Valentino was attracted to me, or because it felt like she was trying to make me angry by screwing with my best friend's head. After school I head to the beach with Alessio, trying to forget about Tommaso and Saskia. It's none of my business. Tommaso is a big boy.
"Saskia and Tommaso?" Alessio repeats for the third time after I tell him the events that took place during lunch after he and Marco left.
"How many times do I have to say it? Yes, they-"
"I got it" He interrupts me, putting a hand up to my face as we continue to walk down the shoreline of the beach.
"He can't seriously be into her, she's rotten. Poison" I wonder at loud, incredulous.
"Girls like Saskia... any dude would jump given the bait." Alessio explains.
"What if she's doing it to get at me?"
"Why would she want that?"
"I don't know"
"Ana, get your head out of your ass and let them be, not like its hurting anyone. Plus, if Tommaso gets with Saskia we will be invited to all her parties" maybe he was right. Just because something horrible had happened to me didn't mean it would happen to Tommaso. I needed to divert my attention elsewhere, outside of murders and stalkers before I exploded with paranoia.
"Since when do you care about parties?" I am pretty sure none of us have been to a party in five months. In fact, we had barely spoken to anyone beside each other since then. It felt like forever since I'd danced, kissed, screamed, or even just smiled without feeling guilty.
"Since today. You were right, you know? We can't just stop living. We have to try to move past this. We owe it to our families to try." Alessio surprises me by saying. He barely ever admits to being wrong, let alone to himself.
"Yeah. Nothing wrong with a little fun." I wink at him, suggestively
"Tell me about it" He comes to a stop, dramatically throwing his bag on the sand before falling to his knees. I sit next to him. After a couple minutes of him staring oddly at me, I stare back.
"You are creeping me out, Alessio."
"Sorry. It's just..." he begins by saying but stops. I punch him in the shoulder.
"What!"
"It's just... do you still like it when guys, you know... because after what happened to you at the beach-"
"Stop" I put my hand up to his face. "It's none of your business" and it isn't. Instead of nagging, he nods and shuts up. I can't help but wonder, though. I don't remember my first time, or times. No, that's a mistake. That wasn't my first time. That was my rape, my torture, my prison. I don't remember that, and maybe it's for the best. Maybe if I did remember it, I would feel pain, despair at the loss of my virginity, a burning sensation where every new hand grazed mine. Instead, I am afraid that the next time I have sex, I won't remember it, that it will be so horrible and painful my mind will force me to forget. But I don't want to forget, I never want to forget anything ever again.
I want to remember. Just as I know I will remember Alessio, Marco and Tommaso, the waves in front of me, and my beautiful, kind, strong mother. I want to remember my first time: the man I am with, his hands on my body, the sound of his voice, his breath, the look in his eyes.
The scar on his face.