After reading my sister's message, I grew even more anxious of what's about to come once she gets home. Hindi ko man siya nakikita ngayon, pinahiwatig naman ng sagot niya ang pagmamadali na makauwi.
My unforeseen regard of that man has only grafted itself onto the pile of my other curiosities that I unfailingly ask everyday. Isa na itong ukol sa kapatid ko. I am positive that she knows the man, and that he was the history of the call the other day. Gayunpaman, malayo pa rin ang pagkilala ko sa kanya, and remembering how Ate Merewald reacted to the phonecall— it did nowhere suggest a good news—which gave me no choice but to run away.
Well yes, I could have extended my probing of him beyond the appropriate minutes, pero ang lapitan ako sa ganitong oras ay nakakabahala para sa akin. I was spooked, to be honest. It appears that he's too desperate for my sister's time that he has to wait for her until this extremely late hour!
Gaano ba ka-importante ang kanyang sadya? If this should revive the other part of my sister's personal life, then I would have no business being this troubled on her behalf. But what if it's not? Paano kung mas delikado pa sa inaasahan ko?
I shoot another message, telling her to call either me or Angelov if ever she finds the urgency for us to call the police.
Dahil sa tinahak kong desisyon, sa halip na makapagpahinga si Angelov ay mauudlot pa yata iyon. Though he didn't show any signs of foul temper when he let me in, mukha ngang susugurin pa niya ang lalake kung hindi ko lang inawat. That pissed him off, and this must be why he's in the shower right now, perhaps, to blow off some steam.
Hinayaan kong bumagsak ang cellphone ko sa couch at nagbuntong hininga. I scanned the dark living room with my narrowed eyes. Ibang-iba ito kumpara noong party maliban sa mga ilaw at dami ng bisita. Here, with only the full moonlight slashing diagonally across the room, it strongly evokes loneliness, a perpetual gloom, which brought me to the recollection of a hollowed friend who never fails to visit me everytime I lose hope of everything.
May nahagip ako sa mesa sa aking harapan. I supposed Angelov doesn't stay in this house long enough to even consider tidying up. Dahil ito sa hindi pa naliligpit na mga kalat; Empty bottles of liquior on the floor, used cigarettes inside a filled ashtray, a half empty pack of the cig and... I also make out the small Ziploc pack of gummies. Hm? Mahilig siya sa matamis?
Curious and amused, I reached a hand on the sweets. Itinapat ko iyon sa linya ng liwanag mula sa buwan. Looks like some pieces from sour patch kids gummies. I barely have my finger on the opening when I heard the bathroom door creaked.
"Samara."
I whipped around just to catch Angelov standing on the dark side, with the slash of the moon ray beside him almost cutting through his body. Kaya hirap akong aninagin ang itsura niya. Though, his after shower scent didn't fail to reach my other senses.
"I'll get one," sabi ko sabay angat sa maliit na Ziploc.
"Huwag!"
Sinabit niya ang puting shirt sa kanyang balikat at sa malalaking hakbang ay nasa harapan ko na siya. Because I was too confounded by his combative move, nasundan ko na lang siya ng tingin habang nilalapitan ako. All in his darkened expression topped with a slice of fear, it was like something is going to explode once I touched it! The next thing, the Ziploc was snatched out of my grasp. Naibaon na niya ito sa bulsa sa harap pa ng suot niyang boxer shorts.
Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin.
My brain caught three things all at once. Una ay ang pagdidilim ng kanyang anyo na bahagya kong pinanghugutan ng takot, na kalaunan ay hinalinhinan ng pag-aapoy ng pisngi ko nang matanto ang kanyang suot. Then the evident race just to forestall me and get to the candies fast before I could open it...
"Ang damot naman," I murmured.
Binalikan ko siya ng sulyap. At least two rays of the moonlight incised across his body illuminating some words and lines of his tattooes. Natabunan ang mga iyon nang isinuot na niya ang puti at maluwang na muscle shirt.
"Matutulog ka na? Hinihintay ko pa reply ni Ate, e. Dito muna ako... kung puwede?"
He nodded stiffly, a silent cold reply before he rounded the end right of the couch and reach for the door.
"Angelov," sambit ko nang binubuksan niya ang pinto, napatayo sa natanto kong gagawin niya.
"Sisilipin ko lang." His slippers clapped against the ground when he stepped out.
Mula sa bintana katapat ng pinaglalagyan ng couch, tinanaw ko ang paglapit ni Angelov sa kanilang gate. Brows deeply creasing, I wondered if he's still pissed or is already on the side of curiosity. Hindi nagtagal, bumalik din siya agad ngayon sa mas magaan nang anyo.
"Nandiyan pa ba?" tanong ko habang nilo-lock niya ang pinto.
He nodded, and without throwing a glance at me, he followed it up with, "Anong ginawa niya sa 'yo?"
Na siyang bahagya kong ikinatigil. Binuod ko na ito sa kanya kanina, so it quite surprised me why he still ask about it to once again hear the reason why I'm here.
"Nilapitan ka lang?" dagdag niya saka tinagpo ang katahimikan ko. His hand slowly let go of the locked door and faced me.. "Did he try to hurt you?"
Mabilis ang pag-iling ko upang harangan ang banta sa kanyang tono. "Nagtanong lang tungkol kay ate. Tinext ko na siya, pauwi na raw."
"Iyon lang? Walang ibang habilin?"
"Wala naman. Why?"
His lips pursed in thought, and with the aid of the dimlight it allowed me to seize the war between disappointment and concern inside the gaze of his barefaced contemplation.
" 'La lang." He shrugged. "Hindi ba sinabi na pumarito ka muna habang naghihintay ka sa kanyang makauwi?"
"No need. Dito naman talaga ako."
"I-text mo," giit niya, "O ako ang magsasabi."
Lumubog ang espasyo sa tabi ko pagkaupo niya. He slightly bent his upper body forward to reach for his phone which was lying beside the hardly void pack of cigarette. Tinukod niya ang mga siko sa kanyang tuhod at mula roon, nagsimula nang magtipa.
"Alam naman ni Ate na nandito ako, Lov. Tsaka hindi naman siguro niya mamasamain iyon dahil hindi ito ang unang beses na pumupunta ako rito."
He shook his head while his fingers are typing fast. "Kahit na."
I sighed. Sa dulo ng dila ko ay marami pa silang mga kumakatok na dahilan para baguhin ang isip niya. But watching him putting his phone back on the table, I knew he'd be too dogged to hear reasons other than his own. Kahit pa siguro sabihin kong pinaalam ko na kay Ate na pumarito muna ako habang naghihintay sa kanya. Anyway, he's done texting her. Bakit ba siya tumitiklop pagdating sa kapatid ko? Not that it's wrong but... it's quite strange for me.
Huli ang galaw ng anino sa harapan, nilingon ko siya. Nasa bibig ang kanyang kamao para takpan ang paghikab. At sa nakapikit na mga mata ay hinilot niya ang tulay ng kanyang ilong, a surefire sign of exhaustion.
A thin sliver of guilt slashed over me. Kung hindi siguro ako pumunta rito marahil ay nakakapagpahinga na siya ngayon.
"Hindi mo ako kailangan samahan. Matulog ka na. Dito ako sa couch."
As expected, he didn't obey me but instead, he threw me a side-eye glare. Binaba niya ang kamay mula sa ilong at nagpakawala ng mabigat na hininga. Hiniga niya ang kanyang ulo sa sandalan ng couch at pikit matang tumingala. I caught the blatant wave of his Adam's apple when he swallowed.
"Huy, sige na. Pahinga ka na dun sa taas," pilit ko sabay tulak ng braso niya.
Bahagya akong natigilan at napatitig sa kamay ko na bigla niyang hinuli para hilain. Since he was at the very edge of the couch with its armrest as the boundary, that made it seem effortless for him to pull while still be held in his own place as he crashes me into his chest. Ang kamay na humila ay kumalas para balutin ang aking mga balikat at ipirmi ang pagkakadikit ko sa kanya.
"Pagkatapos mo akong puntahan, patutulugin mo lang ako? Sa tingin mo, makakatulog ako nang mahimbing, Samara?"
Kumunot ang noo ko at tinitigan siya. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko gets ang sinabi niya ngunit ang ngiti ko na mismo ang naghayag sa totoong nararamdaman sa ngalan ng aking pagpipigil.
"'Di bale, kapag magrereply na si Ate, aalis na ako so you could rest. May pasok pa kayo bukas, 'di ba?"
"Sa hapon pa. At sa umaga ka na uuwi. I already told your sister you'll stay here until the dawn ends," he said as he snatched my hand to wrap it over his waist.
Namilog ang mga mata ko. I slightly lifted my head from his arm pit enough to see his face. "Pumayag siya?"
"Papayag siya."
Napakurap-kurap ako. How sure is he? Binalikan ko ang mga paalala sa akin ni Ate Merewald. Not that I heeded to her warnings but the mystery in here was why would my sister allow me to be with the person she's warned me about?
Sa isang buntong hininga ay nanatili ang bigat ng katawan ko at unti-unting bumabagsak pabalik sa dibdib niya. I stared at his phone on the far corner of the table, waiting for it to light up for the next incoming message.
"I wonder why, though... na pumayag siya. She warned me about you..." pag-amin ko.
"Hm... She also warned me..."
"About me?" I asked, slightly alarmed.
"She'll murder me if I do something naughty. Kaya behave lang muna tayo ngayon," aniya saka tinapik ang nakayakap kong braso.
"Paano kung ayaw kong mag-behave?"
Galing sa baywang niya ay pinadulas ko paakyat ang kamay ko hanggang narating ang kanyang tiyan. My soft palm burned against the active heat on his abs and melted on its palpable ridges.
"Tsk." Siya at inis na ibinaling ang ulo sa kabila.
Tahimik akong natatawa. Hinuli ko ang baba niya para ilingon ang mukha niya sa akin pero nagmatigas siya. I cupped his right jaw instead and I instantly felt it clenching under my touch. He buried the other side of his cheek on the couch's back rest just to keep his head from turning to me.
"Nakakatuwa ka, Sam, ha? Nakakatuwa?!" asik niya nang hindi pa rin ako nililingon.
I'm not sure what was happening. I've become aware how I have been acting like this lately. Sa pagkakaalala ko, hindi naman ako nangungulit nang ganito. Maybe I used to at some point in my life, perhaps, when I was young before those times when I still defined myself as the pursuer of dreams.
Because at this moment, I can just be identified as the huntress of lost passion.
It could be that this is a dormant trait that has always been present within me, which had also lost its way back when I took part in slaying my juvenile dreams. This could be the trait I have longed suppressed and refused to acknowledge along with the rest that I still yet to learn about. An inhibited trait because I constrain myself too much inside the zone of my comfort. Or it could be a newfound trait to replace the ones that was lost as they did nothing but to only dragged me to the pits of my demons.
And last... maybe I am just really happy. Kailan ba ang huling sandali noong nasabi ko sa sarili kong masaya ako?
But remembering my sister, I tried to tone down the positive emotions.
Natuldukan ang tuwa ko sa paglingon ni Angelov sa akin. He was already biting his lower lip and his eyes became the playground of rage and amusement.
"Huwag mong hintaying manggigil ako sa 'yo at mapalo kita!" sabay marahan na tapik niya sa balakang ko. "Hm!?" Pinandilatan niya ako, kagat ang ibabang labi at muli akong tinapik, ngayon sa gilid naman ng aking binti.
I bit my lips and I dissolved in the seat. "Sorry."
His jaw clenched harder than my bones. "Don't beg for my palms here, Samara. Not here, not now."
Ngumuso ako, inipit ang bibig at kung anu-ano pa ang ginagawa ko sa aking labi para lang pigilan ang takas ng ngisi. He's too serious as he stares at me intently na kahit pa yata may kakatok sa pinto, hindi niya pagbubuksan para lang idiin pa sa akin, sa tumatagos na titig, ang pananakot niya.
"Mayayari tayo sa ate mo kaya magtigil ka!" mahina ngunit may riin na sinabi niya, ramdam na ang gigil.
I scratched my nose. "Ang bait mo naman."
Bumigat ang pungay ng mga mata niya. His semi thin lips formed a hard grim line. Knowing that look and what it could do, I ended my mischief in a snap.
Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata. I will attempt a quick nap until my sister responds. Pero habang lumalalim ang gapang ng bukang liwayway, wala pa rin akong natanggap na mensahe, kahit sa phone ni Angelov ay wala rin.
"Lov? Balik kaya ako sa bahay? 'Di nagrereply si ate, e," satinig ko sa pangamba habang sinasakay ang kaba ko ng mga pinagdapuan ng aking isip.
"Matulog ka na, Sam."
Huminga ako nang malalim. How could I rest easy when I am this worried? Buong dibdib ko ang humahapdi dahil sa marahas na pintig ng aking puso.
"She'd be fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Mhm..." he droned lazily and sighed.
"Tulog ka na? 'Di ako makatulog, e."
I watched the breathtaking dark sunrise as he begins to open his eyes. Soft and cool, he blinked twice. Ilang segundo rin niyang tiningala ang kisame bago ibinaba ang mga mata niya sa akin. I could see how sleepy he is—mabibigat ang mga talukap at halos magtagpo na ang tuktok ng mga pilikmata.
"Talk to me, then," a soft whisper breaks free from the crack in his voice.
"About what?"
"Kahit ano, Sam. Makikinig ako."
Nagkatitigan kami. He may not know it and I will allow it to remain that way, but I can perfectly see this as an invitation.
After the kiss on that fateful afternoon, neither of us has ever encouraged the conversation about it. Hindi ko alam kung sinadya bang ayaw namin pag-usapan o nakaligtaan lang. In our defense, we were too preoccupied to even start, Angelov especially, with his numerous pursuits in school and the tattoo studio. Walang segundo na hindi siya napipirmi maliban sa gabi at kadalasan ay sa madaling araw na. Kung hindi naman sa eskuwela o trabaho, sinasama niya ako sa mga lakad kaibigan niya. Every second was brimmed with so much joy that we forgot what was awaiting us below the high.
Now that we're left alone together and in silence, the questions start to weigh heavy. A lot of them. Not just about the kiss or about us. This must be why they call it dawn, as every thought we never expect to understand turns more alive on this late hour. Hence, it dawn on me...
One blink of my eye and I caught his eyes were closed again. Unti-unting yumuyuko ang ulo niya. Namalayan ang pagsadsad nito, naigtad siya at binalik ang ulo sa rating posisyon.
"Lov."
"Hm." Dumilat siya.
"Tulog ka na?" I asked innocently.
Hindi siya sumagot. My heavy gaze crawled up on his dark hair basked in the moon light that breeched through the window. Doon ko mas napansin na ang dating pinapatayo na hibla sa buhok niya ay tumatakip na ngayon sa noo para maging bangs. The sides were also newly-shaved. He went for a haircut, I guess. Hindi ko ito nakita kanina dahil naka-beanie siya.
Kanina... what his friends have seen of us for sure has already led them to a conclusion. He didn't tell them anything but I am positive that they know. Bakit ako, hindi sigurado kung ano kami? Why do I still feel like we are not what we're supposed to be basing from the kisses we've shared?
Friends... definitely not anymore.
Do I need to ask him? O baka magmumukha lang akong stupid kung itatanong ko pa. It's just that I have no idea how a relationship works for Angelov, and if ever this is what I think it really is, then this would be my first time.
Honestly, I am not ready to ask him about it. Basta ba't masaya ako, at nakikita ko naman na ganoon din siya. There are even times when he was the one who initiates the hour to turn into a day worth spending for. I always end up in my bed happy and smiling, at hindi ako makapaghintay na magkita ulit kami kinabukasan.
Anyways, I think there are far more basic details to fill and those surely are still all about him. Nito ko lang natanto na sa bawat pagkikita namin, may nalalaman ako tungkol sa kanya nang hindi pinapangunahan ng tanong. It's like in every meeting, a piece of a puzzle unveils one by one and once I get to complete the mystery, it will reveal his name.
Ano naman kaya ang malalaman ko ngayon? Only this time will be different since I would really have to ask him. Would he allow it, if so ever? After that kiss, sapat ba iyong dahilan para bigyan niya ako ng karapatan na mas kilalanin pa siya?
Because the number of days we spend together was not enough to know him better. He doesn't talk that much about himself unless asked, pero ang titipid naman ng sagot.
"Nasaan pala Mama mo?" tanong ko sa kanya noong isang hapon sa tattoo studio, nagsusulat siya sa logbook.
"Manila."
"She's there... for work?"
He simply nodded. Tikom ang kanyang bibig. Even his eyes were not telling me anything however expressive they are most of the time.
"Papa mo?"
"'Di ko alam."
And that's it.
At hindi ko alam kung alin sa dalawa, o pareho ba sa sinabi niya ang hindi totoo. Ang nasisigurado ko lang ay nandito ang Mama niya at wala sa Manila.
Kaya paano ko maitatawag na higit pa ito sa pagkakaibigan? Are we doing this merely for we are both comfortable? And we allowed ourselves to stay in this comfort only because in here we find solace, a fleeting relief from our unsympathetic background.
Napakurap ako sa buga ng hangin sa aking pisngi. I turned to Angelov and found his eyes closed, and yet his lips were smiling a little bit.
Oo na, ikaw na ang guwapo. Kahit sa dilim ay hindi iyon maipagkakaila. But see, everyone can set eyes on what you really are. Anyone can simply judge from your deeds in which they have seen and from there, will either take it as their truth or twist it as the lie. Anyone can admire you by your looks and that's just about it. The superficial. The idiosyncracies of what the eyes can only reach.
I don't want to be just anyone, the easily pleased to give and take half of what is whole. For I don't just need the flesh of him. I want to bathe in his soul.
"Nagpipinta ka na ba mula nung bata ka pa?" I started fishing without a bait.
"Mhm..."
"Is painting or tattooing what you want to do ever since?"
Kumunot ang noo niya. His bottom lip protruded before he responded a slow nod.
"Oo, Sam, Ikaw ba?"
Don't ask me, I'm asking you! Ayaw niya talagang magkuwento.
"Do you think... you will lead a perfect life with what you choose to do now? Kasi... you seem so sure of what you always do. You seem so sure of what you want..." my words disintegrated into the most silent of thoughts.
Why do I feel like his answer would fill the void of my own misgivings instead?
Malayo na sa antok ang ibinubunyag ng mga mata niya nang dumilat. He shifted his body to adjust the position without taking his arm off my shoulders.
"Paano mo naman nasabi na may perpektong buhay, Sam? You're crying for the moon." Umiling siya at nagkibit balikat.
Nagbaba ako ng tingin at napaisip na rin. I only meant to ask that in general. I know perfect doesn't exist but it is one of those things I initially want to achieve. At least, I used to.
Hearing his deep sigh made me spell the beginning of a deeper conversation.
"Tatanungin kita. Alin ang pipiliin mo sa dalawa. Ang perpekto, o kung ano iyong sa tingin mo ay tama?" he asked, his other hand made vague gestures to emphasize.
"They're the same."
"No."
I frowned at him. There was no hint of any amusement, not even a prelude of it in his eyes where I usually find it the most. Madilim at napakaseryoso ng titig niya na kahit yata bagyo ay hindi ito matitibag.
"There are three kinds of people in this world, Samara. The one who strives for the ideal. The one who does what felt the most right, who ventures beyond the logic and skips the boundaries of any command. Then here is the one who lives a life driven only by traditions, routines and particular sets of beliefs."
"Dalawa lang!" angil ko. "Parang parehas lang naman iyong una at huli, e. The first kind, when you aim the ideal, of what is perfect or a standard, you can also be driven by your parents' beliefs of it so you obey them!"
His scratched one of his wrinkled eyebrow, frustrated. May halong tiyaga nang pumakawala ang mabigat na buntong hininga mula sa kanya.
"Let's just say that the first kind can decide either to obey or not. May sarili siyang desisyon, Sam. Whereas, the last one has no choice but to be breathe under someone's mercy for he can't make his own decisions. They have no dreams so they let other people dictate for themselves. Hence, there is the perfectionist, the passionate, and the dependent."
He made another gesture on his hand as he mentions the three stressed words from the last sentence. From the top, middle, and below, he made invisible slices on thin air.
Mula sa paninitig ko roon, napalabi ako at tumango, pagod nang mag-isip.
"Okay, gets ko na."
"And come to think of it, Sam. Between perfect and right, there's a palpable difference. Take for example, a perfectly executed crime. Hindi tama iyon, 'di ba? Pumatay ka, mali iyon. Kasalanan iyon, but it was done perfectly. Perfect to the point that nobody could ever tell who the murderer is... but then again, it's not right..." His hand made another twirling motions while his intent gaze on me remained. "Gets mo point ko?"
Again, I nodded.
"Sufficed it to say, not all perfect things are right. But all right things can be considered as perfect."
Ilang sandali rin akong tulala, pinoproseso ang sinabi niya at para makapaghanap na rin ng lusot upang mapabulaanan ko ang sinabi niya. When it finally sinked in to me, and no objection was fit enough to counter against his, I nodded slowly.
"So alin doon ang sagot mo sa tanong ko?" I asked instead.
His lips parted. Nahagip ko ang dulo ng dila niya at tumusok iyon sa ilalim ng kanyang pisngi. Lumihis ang mga mata niya sa gilid at mabilis na umiling bago ibinalik ang tingin sa akin.
"Wala, trip ko lang mag-explain."
Napairap ako at medyo lumayo sa tabi niya ngunit hindi rin tuluyang nagtagumpay. His arm on my shoulders tightened, and he used that edge to pull me back closer to him. Inilapit pa niya sa akin ang kanyang mukha para ipakita at iparinig ang tawa niya! Agad niya rin itong inatras nang balingan ko ng masamang tingin. Kinabig niya ako lalo para mas aluin.
"Pero ito seryoso. It's like choosing the perfect man or the right one. Sino sa kanila ang pipiliin mo?"
"The right man!" tugon kong may bahid pa ng inis.
"See?I rest my case. Magkaiba sila." He winked.
"So saan nga kasi roon ang sagot mo sa tanong ko?"
"Ano bang tanong mo? Sa dami nila hindi ko alam alin ang uunahin ko, Sam."
Papaulanan ko pa sana siya ng bagong pangiirap ngunit inunahan ako ng paghikab. I covered my gaping mouth with my hand.
"Oh, 'di ba, inantok ka na? Kaya matulog na tayo!"
When I was done yawning, I slapped his knee to blatantly declare how annoyed I am at him for making fun of me. Tatayo na sana ako para sa sahig na lang umupo. Sa inaasahan, huli na naman niya ako at ibinagsak sa kanyang tabi.
I couldn't do anything about it. I'm too weak to fight back and do what I want. Inaantok na nga siguro ako para makipagpisikalan pa.
"I'm not yet sleepy. Ikaw na lang matulog diyan," I said, fighting another yawn.
Hindi na nakaakbay sa akin si Angelov. He filled his left arm with the whole circumference of my waist as if to make sure that I can't get away from him this time. Almost the whole of my body covered half of his. And with his other arm wrapped around my neck, he is completely trapping me in his own version of webs.
I have this feeling that he intended to do this to fight shy of revealing too much about him. Siguro ay nahihimigan na niya dahil masyado akong matanong.
"O sige, ano ba iyong tanong mo?" bawi niya sabay kabig sa akin.
Hindi ko siya kinibo. Kahit nararamdaman ko ang hininga niya sa tuktok ng ulo ko, sa abot ng aking makakaya ay pinilit ko ang sarili na hindi maapektuhan. I pouted when I could feel him inhaling my hair in large doses.
"Sige, bahala ka. 'Di ko masasagot iyan," he warned lazily with a slight scratch in his throat.
"Huwag na. 'Di naman importante."
"Sige na, Sam..." may kaunting lambing nitong pamimilit.
It took me a while to do it. Nakalimutan ko na rin kasi ang tanong kaya iniisip ko pa.
Sa gilid ng aking paningin, kita ko ang pagsilip ng mukha ni Angelov. I'm not supposed to face him if not only of his relaxed and cool breath fanning my cheek. I'm not supposed to get affected if not only of his lips planting light kisses on my cheek and a long kiss on my shoulder just to get my attention. Panandalian na sulyap ang iginawad ko sa kanya bago binalikan ng tingin ang stereo sa harapan.
"D'you think you'd lead a perfect life from the sure choices you make now?" I repeated the question without the enthusiasm it used to hold a while ago.
"No."
I looked at him, genuinely surprised of his quick answer.
"Bakit no?"
"The sure choices I make now will lead me to its consequences, not to a perfect life."
Hinaplos ako ng katahimikan. In the dimlight, I tried to make out the traces of my fresh wrist tattoo while I engross my own mind with what Angelov said. Bumigat ang pagkakadagan ng hindi mapangalanang diin sa aking dibdib habang inaalala na wala pa akong ginagawa sa buhay. My class is fast approaching, but while I stall, should I also do something more relevant than just wander around and watch the world wade through to keep its life?
Is the sense of delight not relevant enough for the time being? Should there always be suffering to call a life fulfilling for our mortal pain grants an individual's growth?
"You're not perfect, Sam," he said, out of the blue.
His arm shifted like a slithering snake around my waist to tighten. Gumalaw din ako sa pag-aakalang namamanhid na ang kamay niyang naiipit sa pagitan ng aking likod at ng sandalan. Pero mas lalo pang napadikit ang likod ko sa dibdib niya.
"Alam ko. No one is," sabi ko.
"You're not ordinary either..."
My brows met lightly. Bahagya kong nilingon ang aking ulo sa kung saan ko makakatagpo ang hininga niya. I was welcomed by a whispery kiss in my ear causing infinite sparks and shivers to zap along the length of my spine.
"No lady is that ordinary who could disarm a non-believer the very first time they met. Aand from that night on, all of his doubts have ended..."
My lower lip fell slowly, pushing for my overwhelmed breath to flow in between the slight open space. Sa namimilog kong mga mata, unti-unti ko siyang nililingon. Kakapikit pa lamang niya, and a ghost of his rare smile faintly haunted on his lips. Tinitigan ko siya nang matagal para hintayin ang muling pagdilat niya ngunit hindi na ito nangyari.
I could feel my heart breaking. Hindi ko alam paano nangyari mula sa ligayang dulot ng sinabi niya. Pakiramdam ko, nangangapa pa rin ako sa kanya kahit na kinukulong na niya ako. Pakiramdam ko, may ikahihirap pa ako para lang maatim ang pagiging kuntento. Pakiramdama ko, kulang pa bawat halik, haplos, titig, at ngiti, at hindi ko alam paano... at ano ang magagawa ko para mapunan ang bawat tanong ng paano? My heart continues to ache for the unfulfilled dreams, even when I am in this moment enclosed within the hopes of infinity.
Umukit ang lungkot sa aking labi.. Hiniga ko ang aking pisngi sa braso niyang nakapulupot p rin sa leeg ko.
"Ayaw ko pang matulog..." bulong ko.
"Mmkay..."
I couldn't sleep anymore. And because of the hair's breadth distance of our faces, it doesn't need that much effort for me to lift my face and reach a kiss to him. A momentary grip of what was left in the ashes as they slipped through my hands when I let go.
Magaan lang iyon at halos hindi ramdam. Kaya naman inulit ko at mas tinagalan pa. In everything that I can, I risked the faltering debris of my belief for this second chance in the hopes that by the end, I can prove what is true. I did it one more, this time, colliding the warmth of my lips against the metallic cold of his piercing.
"Hmm...ate Merewald, si Samara, o, pasaway..." aniya nang hindi gaanong bumubuka ang bibig.
I giggled silently.
"Matulog ka na, Sam, kung ayaw mo pang magkaroon ng pamangkin ang kapatid mo. Rawr," he said this in hoarse whispers.
Nagkatunog ang hagikhik ko, ramdam ang panginginig ng aking balikat sa dibdib niya. His smile widened. Sumilip nang kaunti ang ngipin ngunit nanatili pa ring pikit ang kanyang mga mata.
Dahil hindi rin naman talaga ako makakatulog, tumayo ako. Angelov was too weak and drowsy to stop me. Narinig ko siyang nagbuntong hininga sa likod habang nilalapitan ko ang stereo.
It was plugged, obviously. Because of the dashed words stereo and CD running on the small rectangular screen. Luma na ito pero mukhang gumagana pa naman. Ang katabi nito sa kaliwa ay isang vinyl player, below it are several pieces of Vinyl discs. Sa kanan ay ang piano na tinatakpan ng maikling tela dahilan para mahagip ko ang light projector na nilagay sa ilalim ng instrumento.
I smiled as I remember this during Charlie's birthday. Una pa lang ay nawiwili na ako rito kaya naman hindi ko napigilan ang kunin iyon.
I looked at Angelov who is already sleeping on the couch. Kinagat ko ang labi ko habang kinakapa ang maliit na remote control ng projector sa ibabaw ng piano saka pinindot.
My eyes dilated in awe as they took in all the starry lights moving slowly in each corner of the room. Dahil madilim, mas matingkad ang hindi mabilang na tudlok ng mga kulay na nagkalat sa bawat panig. Tila mga patak ng ulan na hindi natutuyo, ngunit nabibigyan ng buhay. I looked down on my toes, and I almost broke in a giggle as I watch a number of dot lights on my skin, in different colors, shifting slow.
Lumapit ako sa vinyl player at sa ibaba ay naghanap ng gagamitin na CD. Nilingon ko ulit si Angelov. He's in a different position now but still asleep. Hindi naman siguro siya magigising.
I pulled the disc without a title on it and with careful hands, placed it on the player. I adjusted the volume of the music to a lower level. Sapat naman ang lakas para marinig ko ngunit hindi para sa nahihimbing na sa couch.
The alternative drone of the first beat easily hypnotized my eyes to close. Hindi ko na nagawang magmulat habang tumatagal na sinasabayan ko ng indayog ang bawat bagsak ng tugtugin. I clearly recalled that night, in his living room, under a thousand lights as if I'm dancing under the stars, or at the middle of a newfound galaxy, I swayed my body slow as my lover was sleeping soundly on the soft red couch behind me.
"Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby..."
I pulled in a blissful breath, soothed my chest with the calm in his voice. Naulit ang paghinga ko nang malalim, mas malalim pa, sa biglang pulupot ng braso sa aking baywang. I jumped at first, not expecting that he's awake, o baka nagising ko lang. Napakalma ako nang isinandal niya ang kanyang baba sa aking balikat.
I didn't expect for him to sway with me, dahilan upang lingunin ko siya at ipakita ang pagkakaaliw ko sa ginawa niya. This one too, I have taken it to my memory. The colorful lights moving slow on the shadowed grounds of his beautiful face.
"Para kang multo..." satinig ko, pansin na tumitingkad lang ang mukha niya at hindi gaanong malinaw ang kabuuan dahil sa kalat ng tuldok ng mga ilaw.
Ganoon din kaya sa akin?
"Sam?" he crooned.
"Yeah?"
"Mangako ka sa 'kin."
"Ayoko." I smiled playfully. Hindi niya naman nakikita dahil nakapikit siya.
"Sam?"
Hindi ako kumibo. I just watched him, amused, and with my mind scribbling gospels of his life, by the way I see and understand it.
"Sam?" he called again, sobrang rahan at may lambing at puno ng pag-iingat.
"Ano?" natawa na ako.
"Mangako ka. Na sa oras na mamahalin mo na ako, layuan mo ako, ha?"
Halos napatigil ako. The smile on my lips dropped in an instant as my heart has reached the edge of swaying me stronger than the music in the vinyl.
"Sa oras na mahal mo na ako, huwag mong ipaalam sa akin. Lumayo ka agad, ha? Kasi kapag ako, baka hindi ko kakayanin, Mas kaya mo, Sam. Kaya ikaw ang lumayo, ha?"
Nagpakawala ako ng hilaw na tawa habang inaakyat ang mga mata ko ng nag-aapoy na mga luha. Marahas akong umiiling, nalilito at bahagyang naiinis din. I got lost on my own understanding why he's suddenly blurting these nonsense! Natutulog lang naman siya kanina tapos ngayon, biglang magsasalita siya nang ganito?
"Anong pinagsasabi mo diyan, Lov? I think you're just dreaming!" I chuckled a little bit, kahit sa kaloob-looban ko ay may pinipiga nang dugo at takot.
His eyes opened slowly. He pinned me in his usual piercing and dangerous stare.
"Mangako ka," malamig niyang sinabi.
Umiling ako, seryoso ang mukha nang natanto na hindi siya nananaginip o nagbibiro. "Paano kung hindi? Paano kung hindi ako darating doon?"
"Ganito tayo. . . lagi."
Humigpit ang yakap ng mga braso niya sa akin saka muling pumikit.
Nagtiim bagang ako, hindi maalis ang tingin ng pangamba ko sa kanya. Mas lalo kong hindi sasabihin sa iyo, Angelov, kung gayon man.
But I still nodded. Even when he didn't have to see it, I still made him feel the promise, but not my own awareness that if this would ever happen one day, I will never admit it. I won't question anything about us. I won't admit it to him anymore.
Nanlalanta akong naglakad pauwi sa bahay. Alas otso pa lamang ng umaga at tulog pa si Angelov. I left him in his room where he decided to sleep. Tumabi ako pero segundo lang ang itinagal, hinintay lang ang paghimbing niya saka ako lumipat sa couch para balikan ang mga sinabi niya.
Sa madaling salita, wala pa akong tulog. Dahil lutang ay wala na akong lakas pang isuot ang sapatos ko kaya naka-paa akong naglalakad. Hating-hati ang katawan at isip ko kung hahayan ba itong babagsak o pagnilay-nilayin bawat salita kanina. But I couldn't even think straight! Isa pa, humihilab na rin ang tiyan ko, pero mas matindi ang tawag ng idlip laban sa dalawa.
I can already smell toast and coffee before I could even stepped inside the gates of Merewald's territory. May narinig din akong mga boses na nag-uusap sa loob, at isa na roon ay napakapamilyar sa akin.
"Samara?" tawag ni ate bago pa sumilip ang mukha niya mula sa kusina.
Hindi ko matukoy kung parte pa rin ba ito ng matinding antok dahil kung anu-ano na ang nai-imagine ko. But is she wearing a very thin silk night gown?
Pansin ang aking pagkakatulala, pinasidahan niya ng tingin ang sarili. She gasped and quickly snatched the white shirt hanging on a chair behind her. That same white shirt I figured was worn by that man! And now, she is wearing it herself.
"Nag breakfast ka na?" she asked in her unusually sweet tone habang nilalapitan ako.
Ang ganda niya ngayon. Mamula-mula ang pisngi at mukhang maganda ang gising. Hindi katulad ko.
May nahagip ako sa loob ng dining. Dumapo ang tingin ko roon at nakita ang dumaan na lalake, umiinom ng tubig galing sa baso. Matangkad, matipuno at... topless.
Oh my God!
Para akong tinurukan ng buhay!Sa namimilog na mga mata ay binalikan ko si ate na sa puntong ito ay natanto na yata ang iniisip ko. She seemed hesitant to take more steps towards me as we both know that it only means explanation.
"Uhm..." I swallowed. "Hindi pa po ako nag-breakfast. I want to sleep."
Her brows creased, curious and a bit worried. "Mukha ngang kailangan mo ng tulog. Ba't parang puyat ka?"
Buti pa kayo, hindi.
"Ano bang ginawa ninyo kagabi at ganyan ka na lang kapagod?"
Baka kayo ang may ginawa?
"Hindi po kasi kayo nag-reply kaya hindi ako makatulog. Si Angelov lang nakatulog."
She pursed her lips and looked away. Biglang tumikhim ang lalake sa likod. I noticed how my sister sucked in a deep breath as if she could feel the man's incoming presence. He's wearing a new piece of shirt na hindi ko alam saan galing o sa kanya pa rin ba.
Huminto siya sa tabi ni ate Merewald.
"I'm sorry I scared you a while ago. I'm Evrard." Nilahad niya ang kamay tulad kanina.
I accepted his hand this time. "Samara po. Sorry, I lied."
"Naiintindihan ko."
He smiled at me. Nang sinulyapan ko si ate ay hindi siya nakatingin sa aming dalawa. She looks cruel or... bitter. Parang sinapian ni Graciella.
"You stayed at your friend's house?" Evrard asked.
Hindi ko alam ang nararamdaman ko. I got really scared of him for a moment when he approached me a while ago. Kung anu-ano pang naiisip ko tungkol sa kanya at dahil na rin siguro iyon sa madilim, kaya hirap akong pagkatiwalaan. Ngayon, nakaramdam ako ng gaan. Too lighthearted for someone who I just met today. He seems like a good man after all, despite his intimidating nature. He's got the kindest eyes I've ever seen for a man as dominating as him.
"Opo. Friend's house. Kayo rin po, friends?"
"Samara, kumain ka na roon," sabat ni Ate. "She needs some sleep. Wala pa rawng tulog."
Nagtaas ng kilay si Evrard. His lips formed an O. He blinked several times and I can almost hear his thoughts, suspecting me of something that both him and my sister might have already done.
"Hindi kasi siya nag-reply sa akin, e. Bakit kaya?"
"Samara," muling sabat ni Ate. "Pinagluto na kita ng agahan. Kumain ka na roon."
I stifled a grin and nodded. Binalingan ko si Evrard.
"Sige po, nice meeting you."
"Nice meeting you, too. Samara..."
Ngumiti ako sa kanya at dahan-dahan nang tinungo ang kusina.
Well, that was a little bit awkward. Itutulog ko na lang din ito.