Chapter 15
I pulled myself from her bed instantly missing the feel of her arms and the way the heat of her body radiated to mine. Silently I changed before quickly scribbling a note, which I left on her bedside table, and making my way to her front door. I didn't want to leave her today but I had to go home to get my suit. Hopefully I would be back before she woke up. However, her sleeping patterns had been so irregular over the past three weeks I wasn't sure. So as quickly as possible I drove back to my parents' house.
"Hello," I called when I entered the house.
"In the kitchen," I heard my mums jolly voice call. It was weird not living with my parents anymore. Well technically I did but since I had returned I had spent every night at Amy's - most of my stuff was there anyway.
"Hi," I smiled weakly as I entered the kitchen, my smile growing ever so slightly when she turned around with a huge plate of pancakes and bacon in her hands. "For me?" I asked hopefully.
"Of course," she chuckled as she placed the plate on the table in front of my usual seat.
"Great," I chirped as I slid into the seat and tucked into my breakfast. My mum took the seat opposite me her worried eyes scanning me while I shovelled food into my mouth. "What?" I finally asked, my mouth still full of food, after becoming tired of her intense gaze.
"You've lost weight," she pointed out, but I could tell there was more she wanted to say.
"Well Amy isn't really eating properly at the moment," I shrugged hoping she wouldn't ask any more questions. I hated seeing Amy like this. I hated seeing her suffer so much. I wish she could see what she was going through, and how unhealthy it was. I was constantly worrying about her, but everything I seemed to say just washed over her. It was almost like she was punishing herself for Jamie's death. If anyone should be punishing themselves it should be me. It was my fault after all.
"How is she coping?" My mum asked her voice riddled with sympathy.
"How do you think?" I said, swallowing before I spoke this time.
"What about you?" she continued her hand reaching out to hold mine across the table.
"I love you mum, but I really can't talk about this right now. I need to get back," I mumbled as I stood up and took my plate to the sink.
"I haven't seen you in ages Jonah," my mum whispered her voice shaking slightly. I sighed as I turned to face her, guilt flooding my body.
"I know," I whispered unsure of what to say. She was right I was being a bad son. All my time was spent with Amy when my parents hadn't seen me in ages either. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I was so worried about her I forgot about everyone else in my life. I didn't want her to be alone. I didn't want her have time to think because I was scared of what she might do.
"She needs you, I get that. But we need you too Jonah. You're still our son," she whimpered tears forming in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," was the only thing I could think of to say. I knew I had been letting her down the past couple of weeks, and I had missed them so much. Everything was just so out of hand at the moment. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know how to juggle my time with Amy with my parents. I didn't know what to say or do to make Amy feel better. However, most of all, I didn't know how to process Jamie's death. Whatever I did, or wherever I went, his death was still on my mind. It seemed I was unable to deal with what happened, with the fact that he was gone.
"I love you so much Jonah," she continued as she took a step towards me looking unsure of herself.
"I love you too Mum," I responded as I closed the gap in-between us and wrapped my arms around her small frame. "I really am sorry," I tried to explain.
"It's ok, I know you've been dealing with a lot," she whispered as we continued to hug. When she finally pulled away she smiled weakly at me before excusing me to go get ready.
Everything still didn't feel real. It didn't feel like any of this was actually happening. The past three weeks had had a dreamlike quality to them, and I was hoping more than anything that it was all just, in fact, a dream. I prayed that in a couple of minutes I would wake up and Jamie would still be alive, Amy would be happy, and today wasn't the day of my best friend's funeral.
However, despite everything, deep down I knew it was real I just couldn't quite admit it to myself just yet. I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want Amy to be sad but more than anything I just wanted my best friend back because I missed him. I missed him more than anything. I missed all the bad one liners he would say. I missed his cheesy jokes and the way he would punch me whenever I did something stupid. I missed him so much and it hurt so bad everytime I thought about him not being here anymore. It was painful to think I would never go out to a bar again and watch him fail when trying to pick up a girl. It was almost unbearable to think about going back to the army without him. He had always been there with me, we were a team and I knew it would never feel the same without him. Would it be fun anymore? Would I still enjoy my job without him? Would I even be able to leave Amy again after everything? All of these were questions I couldn't answer. Questions that I didn't even want to think about, because I didn't want to think about my life without Jamie.
Slowly, I slipped out of my tracksuit and t-shirt and pulled on the suit which I hadn't worn since my graduation from army training. Looping the tie around my neck I quickly tied it before heading downstairs where my mum was waiting for me.
"See you later?" I smiled.
"I couldn't miss it," she answered referring to Jamie's funeral. I nodded weakly suddenly feeling like all my energy had left my body. I hugged her again before making my way back to Amy's apartment, all the while mentally preparing myself for this day. However, I knew nothing could prepare me for today, nothing could prepare me to say goodbye to best friend.
*--*
As soon as I saw her I knew it was bad. She was slumped on the kitchen floor, clutching her knees to her chest, her head buried into her legs, her whole body shaking as she sobbed. It broke my heart to see her like this, to see my strong, confident Amy so broken and hurt. Without even thinking I sprinted towards her and wrapped my arms around her while burying my face in her hair and whispering soothing words to her. I knew nothing I said would help but I would never stop trying, and then maybe one day it would finally get through to her, one day she would finally stop blaming herself for his death. I don't know why she did it. I didn't understand her logic for blaming herself when she clearly told me it wasn't mine. How could she blame herself and not me?
My thoughts were disrupted by her husky voice, which showed just how much she had been crying, "He's really gone," she whimpered, her body shaking endlessly in my arms.
"I'm so sorry Amy," was all I could say even though I knew that's not what she wanted to hear right now, but I couldn't seem to find any other words. I could never seem to find the words to say the thing in my head, the things I not only wanted but needed to say to her.
"Neither of you deserved this," I continued, "You won't be sad forever. I promise you that. Jamie wouldn't want that for you. He wouldn't want you to spend your life regretting the time you spent with him, he would like the memories you have of him to bring you happiness. He would want you to live your life to the fullest, to do stupid things and make a complete and utter fool out of yourself just like he did. You need to live your life for him," I whispered, my grip tightening on her as I pulled her fragile body onto my lap.
Slowly, as my words started to sink in, her body stopped shaking and the sobs were replaced by occasional sniffles. I didn't expect her be happy straight away, I didn't think she would be back to herself even a year from now, maybe she would never be the same again, because I knew she would always feel like part of her was missing - I would too, Jamie was more like a brother than a best friend to me. However, I just hoped that she realised that it was ok for her to be happy again. I didn't want her to feel like just because Jamie was gone she could never be happy, because if anyone deserved to be happy it was her. She had been through so much that she didn't deserve and I just wanted to see that beautiful smile of hers again.
"We should get ready," I whispered into her hair as she clung to me while we remained sitting on the floor.
"Ok," she replied so weakly that I actually felt my heart break slightly. I pulled her to her feet and lead her to the bedroom all the while praying that someday she would see that she deserved to be happy, because I hated seeing her like this.
Despite everything I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked when she walked out of the bathroom. She wore a simple black dress that reached just above her knees and her hair was braided and pulled round her shoulder. Somehow she never failed to take my breath away, and that is exactly what she did when she walked out the bathroom. She smiled weakly as she looked up at me through her mascaraed eyelashes. Flattening her dress nervously she asked, "Does it look ok?"
My eyes widened slightly at her question. Did she seriously need to ask? Firstly she looked beautiful in anything she wore. Secondly, how could that dress not be ok? The way it hugged her in all the right places and showed off her body so perfectly, it made her look amazing. Better than amazing in fact.
"Amy you look beautiful, you always look beautiful," I whispered, my voice huskier than I was expecting. Her smile grew slightly and I knew she could tell just how affected I was by her right now.
"Want me to change so you won't be so distracted by me?" She smirked slightly making my heart literally stop. It had been so long since Amy had teased my like that.
"I'll be distracted by you whatever you wear," I replied truthfully unable to hide the grin that had slipped onto my lips as I took a step closer to her.
"So it's really ok then?" Amy asked again, the once confident smirk slipping off her lips and replaced by a nervous smile which I had become so accustomed to during the past weeks.
"Amy it is more than ok. Your beauty never ceases to astonish me, yes I do realise how cheesy I sound right now. However, it needs to be said because every time I see you, you literally take my breath away. I actually find it hard to breath around you sometimes, that is how absolutely stunning you are. All the time I wonder how I got lucky enough for someone as beautiful as you to fall for me. I am seriously the luckiest guy in the world," I whispered as I took her hands in mine and pulled her closer to me so I could rest my forehead against hers.
"I think you should go to the doctor or something if you are having so much trouble breathing," Amy smirked, a light chuckle escaping her lips. However, I didn't fail to notice the faint blush crossing her cheeks.
"I was trying to be romantic," I scolded her, but in all honestly I didn't care I was just happy to see her smile and hear her laugh again. I would do anything to make her laugh because her laugh was one of the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard. It was almost like music and I knew that I could listen to it all day if I had the chance to.
"I know," she smiled, and it wasn't one of her fake smiles it was one her true heart stopping smiles. "Thank you. I honestly don't know what I would do without you Jonah. These past few weeks I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for you. You have made this so much easier. I love you so much," she mumbled quietly her cheeks darkening slightly.
"I love you too," I responded before I gently pressed my lips to hers. As soon as I touched my lips to hers it was incredible how I felt. Everyone always said how when you kissed someone there should be sparks, but there wasn't any sparks when I kissed Amy there were freaking fireworks. It was like every part of my body was on fire with this burning passion. My whole body was alight with the love I felt for her. It was almost impossible to describe, all I knew was I had never felt like this with anyone else.
I never thought it was possible for my love for Amy to grow. However, recently it seemed to grow more and more each day. Every day I would wake and my feelings towards her would seem to triple. She made it so easy.
"Ready to go then?" I asked my thumbs tracing circles on her palms. She nodded silently in response. I knew she was dreading this but I would be there for her the whole way, and maybe just maybe I would make it slightly easier for her. She wouldn't have to do this alone; I would make sure of that. "I'll be with you the whole way," I tried to reassure her that she could do it. She was one of the strongest people I knew and I knew she could do this. As hard as it may be she needed to do this, she needed closure. So did I.
We were one of the last to arrive, however, seats at the front were saved for us. We took our seats next to Amy's parents - who were already crying. I gripped Amy's hand tightly as I felt my eyes well up just at the sight of Jamie's parents. I guess I had been so distracted by Amy that I had forgotten that they had lost a son as well. They didn't deserve this either. I didn't understand how such a terrible thing could happen to such a nice family. They were all such caring, giving, and genuinely kind family. Since Jamie and I had become friends I had almost become like a second son to them - much like Jamie had become a second son to my parents.
Soon after we arrived the service started and I soon enough the whole congregation was crying. How could we not? Jamie was one of the most amazing people who was taken away from us way too soon. The whole time I gripped Amy's hand as we silently cried together.
Soon it was the families turn to speak, Amy's mother went first. I had never seen a woman look more heart broken when she walked to the small podium in front of the congregation. She gripped the wooden sides tightly as she calmed herself down before she looked up and started to speak.
"I will never forget him. He was the most beautiful son a mother could ask for. Since the day he was born he changed our lives. He could just walk into a room and change the atmosphere. His mood was infectious, his smile was infectious, and his laugh was infectious. He was the happiest person I had ever met. Nothing seemed to get him down. It amazed me how he could have such an incredible positive outlook on life, but that was just Jamie. He was like that his whole life..." She paused as she swallowed obviously trying to hold in the tears that were threatening to spill out.
"He was too young to die. He didn't deserve to die. However, I am not going to look back and regret all the things I wanted to say him, like how much I loved him and how important he was too me. I won't regret anything because I know that is not what he would have wanted me to do. He wouldn't want us to be hear mourning his death. He is probably complaining up there about how boring this ceremony is right now," she chuckled to herself before continuing, "So instead we should celebrate his life. We should celebrate all the things he achieved in his short life, we should celebrate all the lives he changed - including my own. He couldn't have made me more proud.
"Yes, sometimes he annoyed the hell out of me when he was younger. He was always coming back in the middle of the night, drunk and tried to sneak girls into his room but I wouldn't have changed a single moment with him because to me he was perfect just the way he was. I will never forget you Jamie, and even though you are not here in person anymore I know you will always be with us in spirit. I love you son." She finished her voice breaking as the tears finally escaped her eyes. Amy was properly sobbing next to me now so I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into me. She buried her head into my chest as she sobbed silently into my shirt. I buried my face into her hair as I finally let the tears fall once again. I hated this.
Jamie's father walked up to his wife and hugged her like he never wanted to let go, both of them sobbing for their son. As their sobs seemed to cease they broke apart and their mum returned to her seat while their dad took his place at the podium.
I had never seen a man look more broken. He looked like he had aged a good twenty years since I had last seen him. His hair looked thinner, his skin rougher, dark shadows circled his eyes as his lips formed a thin line. His Adams apple bobbed noticeably as he prepared to speak.
"I tried to write a speech for today. I wanted to be prepared as I knew I wouldn't be able to think properly today but I just couldn't seem to form the right words on paper. Everything I said sounded so pathetic and irrelevant to Jamie. Somehow I was unable to describe just how truly incredible my son was, and that wasn't right because Jamie deserved the best speech I could possible think of. However, after hours and hours in front of my desk, pen in hand, I came up with nothing. It is not because I don't love my son that I couldn't write this speech. It is because I love him so much that every word doesn't seem good enough to describe him.
"I cannot tell you how much I love him. Words do not extend that far. So I won't even try to express Jamie in words - because to be perfectly honest it's impossible. But what I will do is tell you how much Jamie changed my life and the rest of those who were blessed to know him, I will tell you the amazing times we shared together and the experiences I will never forget, because to me, that is what is important, the memories. As now those are the only things I have left of him, and those are the things I will carry around with me for the rest of my life.
"Jamie hasn't really grown up since he turned about three. Sure he has grown in height but his personality has pretty much stayed the same but I guess that is why we loved him so much. He could light up a room by just walking in it, without even realising it he would change people's moods - lift their spirits. Anyone who met him knew he was something special and that he would do something special with his life - and he did.
"The day he told me he joined the armed forces I had never been more proud of my son. The fact that he was willing to risk his own life to help others - something I could never do - seemed incredible to me. I was scared shitless for him - don't get me wrong - but it was his decision and I knew he would love his job and give it one hundred per cent, because he always did. He always gave his all to everything - maybe excluding school - but I can understand that," he paused while he chuckled to himself and took the chance to wipe a few stray tears.
"I will always remember the day he graduated from the training programme. The smile on his face, I had never seen him look happier, prouder... It was honestly the most amazing thing to see. It was incredible to see the bond he had formed with the other lads there, and the excitement they all felt for the future. It was the start of the rest of his life, and he loved it. He made lifelong friends there," As he said this, his gaze turned to me and his nodded almost proudly at me. "I will always love him, and although he has been taken away from us, no one can take away the times we shared. I will cherish them for the rest of my days. I love you son."
By the time he had finished I felt my whole body shaking. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be gone.
Amy shifted in my arms, but I didn't want to let her go. It was her turn to speak and I knew this would be the most painful to listen to. Her relationship with Jamie was unlike any brother and sister relationship I had seen before. I had never seen two siblings get on so well together. The way they interacted was truly amazing and I knew just how hard Jamie's death - it still felt weird saying that word - had affected her.
Gently kissing her on the top of her head I reluctantly let her go and watched her as she walked to the small podium at the front of the congregation. She stood their silently for what felt like hours. I almost went up to stand next to her, to support her through this, however, I realised she needed to do this on her own. She needed to let go of him, and finally accept his death. I needed to do the same.
"I can't tell you how amazing he was. I can't tell you how much I loved him. I can't tell you what an incredible person he was or how fun he was to have around. I can't tell you what he was like as a brother or a best friend. The words to tell you those things are impossible to find. There are no words to describe my brother. Amazing? Incredible? To me, they just don't seem enough. So I won't bother trying. To truly understand Jamie you needed to know him, and spend time with him. I knew him and understood him, and I will never forget him," she said her voice breaking slightly as her sobs returned. "I love you big brother," she finished, "And don't you dare come back to scare me shitless as a ghost," she added with a brief smile before wobbling her way back to me. She was about to break.
As soon as she sat back down she collapsed. It was like the whole time she had been fighting a pressure on her body, and suddenly it had all got too much and her body had imploded in on itself. Her head fell into her lap, her arms resting along her knees and she sobbed.
I thought I had felt my heart break before but I had never felt anything compared to the pain in my chest in that moment. So I pulled the beautiful girl onto my lap, wrapped my arms around her shaking frame, buried my head in her hair and cried with her - both mourning the death of our loved one.
AN: Killed me writing this... why did I kill Jamie again?
Anyway, just to say updates will probably be every two weeks as otherwise each chapter is too short and not well planned and just a bit rubbish. Therefore, I have decided to take longer to update so the quality of my writing is better.
Hope you like it and thanks for reading!