I've taken a break from them. I haven't answered any phone calls in fear that it would be them. I've asked Des to take a message whenever they call. It's only been like three times in two weeks to be honest. All from Angela. The break has been nice. I'm focusing on school for now. Every time I caught a glimpse of him in the halls I would dash in the opposite direction. Very dramatic, but it was necessary to me. Having any interaction with him would result in me dwelling on it for days. These two weeks have been hard, I'll admit it. I'm trying.
But as I was cleaning out my desk for the winter break, he saw me. Through the transparent walls. I had nowhere to run, I was picking up trash underneath my desk. He stopped and smiled at me through the wall. I gave him a small smile. Then I proceeded to bump my head on my desk. Smooth. He laughed. This would be the moment in a movie where both characters accept that they're not right for each other and leave content. But we're nowhere near that. We have not reached a ceasefire in this fictional conflict of ours. I don't even think we've reached the climax, or anywhere near that. I've forfeited and I'm ok with that. He walked in. Oh shit. Shit, uh, I can do this.
"Hey", he waved with a wide smile.
"Hi", I said softly.
"Can we talk?"
"Yeah."
The office was empty. I pulled up another computer chair for him.
I continued cleaning out my drawers. "So what's up?"
"How have you been."
He was very expressive with his hands. Shaking too. He's nervous.
"Great", I said with a wide smile.
"Really?" He raised an eyebrow in doubt.
"Yes."
"Lovely." He repeated it multiple times underneath his breath. He rubbed his, what I'm guessing- sweaty palms- on his jeans.
"I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be leaving next semester."
I stopped shuffling through papers. I looked up at him.
"What?"
"I'm moving back to Ireland."
"What about you and Angela?"
"Well, uh."
Spit it out.
"I'm planning on proposing to her next week."
My fingers with a little weak. I almost dropped the papers. I think it was obvious.
"What?"
"I bought a ring."
He took out a ripped out page of a catalog. He pointed at a ring.
"This one."
It was a nice ring. Understated. She won't like it.
"Ah. It's lovely", I said. I gulped.
"I'm sorry if this is too forward but, it's only been 7 months."
"When have you worried about being too forward."
Ouch. He smiled. He looked out the window. Was he going to say anything else?
"You know, that whole debacle at Christmas Eve really shook her. We've really been at a high point these past few weeks."
"You don't think it's too soon at all? You're young."
"Yes but that's the thing... I'm mad about her."
I dropped my smile. That broke me. I was speechless at that point. He was smiling at the thought of her. Or he was smiling at the fact that I was about to break. Probably both.
"Well", my voice broke. I cleared my throat, "Thats amazing."
"She's going to finish school in Ireland as well."
I continued cleaning. Things were done, but I couldn't stop again to focus on the things he said. I shuffled the papers again to the point where I had to reorganize them again.
"I'm proposing to her this Saturday."
I heard myself flatline
"Will you be at the after party?"
I don't know what I said. I think it was just an mhm or something. He got the hint and left.
____________________________________
I was sandwiched between two bio majors like Angela discussing blah blah blah. I tried to be as interested as I could but I couldn't disguise the fact that I was thinking about them. You should have seen it. They came in with their hands locked. Angela flashed her ring to us as soon as we were in her view. Why is she lying, she knows she hates that ring. The room was split between Cillian's colleagues who happened to be some great literary scholars and Angela's side who were the bio whizzes. I just fell in the middle. I didn't want to make any conversation that I would not have any contribution to.
Last time I was here I got drunk and made that scene. Most of these people probably saw it. Hopefully they wouldn't recognize me. Maybe they did and that's why they're staying away from me. Instead of looking petty, I approached Angela who was talking to some of her cousins.
"Let me see it!"
She quickly extended her fingers so I could catch a glimpse of it.
"It's stunning."
"It's a little small but we're going to get it exchanged in a few days", she whispered.
There it is.
I guess that solves whether things were still awkward between us. I gave her a hug. It wasn't really something that we did. I kissed her on the side of her head.
"I'm so happy for you."
She was tended up from that hug, but as soon as I said that her shoulders dropped and I might have seen a genuine smile on her face. Too bad I wasn't being it.
"Thank you."
Angela got quickly pulled to the side by her other friends. She repeated the whole process again.
"Have you noticed that I always come up to you? Never to me?" I looked up at him.
"Have you considered that maybe you're unapproachable."
"You're pretty unapproachable too but here I am."
I laughed.
"I hope you come to me before my wedding."
I laughed again but I raised my eyebrows in confusion. I couldn't tell if that was an innuendo of some sort of if he was being serious.
"Thanks for coming", he tapped my arm. He returned to other people.
Was this my cue to leave? I don't think they'd recognize that I left with all these people here.
I gave myself 5 more minutes before I slipped out. It was a Saturday and the streets should have been more busier but it wasn't. The trains were all shit. The snowstorm a few days ago threw the whole city off. I sat at the bus stop instead.
"Why'd you run off."
He sat down next to me warming his hands. His nose was red and lips were blue. No coat on.
"I have a job interview tomorrow."
"Oh what job."
God I need to stop lying.
"Um... Bloomingdales."
"Why Bloomingdales?"
"I really need a job."
"Oh really." He's calling my bluff.
"Yes!", I persisted.
He didn't say much after a while.
"So why did you leave?"
I looked down trying to hide my embarrassment.
"You've been surprisingly...", he waved his hands around trying to find the words, "calm."
"Calm?"
"Yes calm."
I raised an eyebrow at him.
"I didn't expect you to take the engagement well."
"You know I'm starting to think that you do certain things to get a rise out of me."
"You think I'd really buy a ring, get engaged, and move just to see your reaction? Do you think I'm that impulsive?" His voice got all high pitched.
"You moved to New York for a girl you knew for two months!"
He laughed and got up. I yanked him back down onto his seat.
"You're not leaving. You never let me speak."
He sighed. "Continue."
"Why did you propose?"
"Because I love her. She completes me. All the stuff bourgeois couples say."
"Bullshit. Why did you propose to her?"
"Because I love her!", he laughed, "I don't know what else to say!" I, on the other hand, was fuming.
"Just a few weeks ago I was going to do god knows what with you. She's fucking cheating on you! You don't just decide with want to spend the rest of your life with her after that."
"Things changed."
"What changed!?"
"She said she'd stop seeing him. She's sorry. You know thats how relationships work. You forgive and move on."
"Bullshit."
"Can you stop saying bullshit! We are not playing bullshit!"
I snickered at his frustration.
"Can I leave now?"
"No I have more questions."
He sighed and leaned back.
"Do you like me?"
He turned and looked at me.
"Yes", he whispered.
"Then why are you marrying her."
"Because I want her."
"If I came into your room naked, and said you can fuck me, would you?"
"You'd like th-."
"Would you?"
"Yes."
"So fuck me."
"What's the fun in that?"
"In fucking me?"
"No I'm sure that's very fun."
"You like the game of it."
"You know not everything in life needs to be explained. Not everything needs a fucking answer."
I laughed. "It's so easy for you", I said to myself.
"Come again", he raised his hand to his ears.
"All I wanted to do with you was have an honest relationship whether it was platonic or whatever."
He didn't say anything. I didn't even want to look at him. I already felt so vulnerable in front of him.
"I think I would have liked that too."
"If you still want to go through with this, then we should consider being friends. Proper friends. Getting to know each other and shit."
"I'd like that."
"Let's see. How about Monday? We'll go rent a movie or something."
"Sure."
"And no blowing me off this time."
"I won't", he assured me.