【playing..】
BTS (방탄소년단) - WINGS
Lost
❚❚►_____________________________ 4:01
Jeongguk was nervous, feeling like the humidity in the car was slinging itself around his neck and pulling it's rope close as a trace of still pinkish colored sweat made it's pool down his nape as today, he would be having his very first therapy session.
Therapy had been something he has thought about numerous times, about seeking it, about needing it eventually, about wanting the proper treatments for his past mental scars but never going through with actually going.
It was something he was scared off. Opening himself to others and letting them see that he was vunerable, a broken glass soul who had been scattered so many times that he can't count.
He didn't want to be seen as weak, not being able to deal with his thunders and lightning bolts clouding his head by himself. Not being strong enough to soak it all up and eventually move on, never think about his past ever again.
He had tried. He really did but when panic attacks started to hit more intensely than before with such simple things as a single word passing through someone's lips making him cry, crash to the floor and hide out in the security of his apartment for days on end.
Pretty much ever since Taehyung came into his life as a support system, as someone who likes him for him, he had been more confident with himself and showing his weak spots, even showing his vulnerability to him -- eventhough more or less involuntarily with just one wrong word dropped.
Breaking down into a panic attack right infront of the older as he mentioned the word 'boyfriend', feeling numb and incapable of controlling of his own body. Any words weak and meaningless floating around in his head during that time frame of numbness and teary vision.
But when Taehyung told him that it was okay to need help, that he would be there for him every second if he needed to -- it really started to flip a switch in his mind and meeting Namjoon again gave it the final push to switch completely into knowing he needed help and that going on without would only impact his life in ways he didn't even know yet.
The idea was still floating around in his mind the days after meeting his ex again, somehow losing himself in doing research for the best psychologist in his area but never daring to actually give them a call.
But right after coloring his hair that magenta cherry tone, that final boost of confidence hit his veins, calling right the day after and making an appointment as soon as they had the time -- all by himself.
But nevertheless as they day of the appointment crept closer, he felt more nervous, almost feeling all confidence slowly draining out of him.
What if all he ever experienced wasn't as serious as it felt to be? What if it was all a thing made up in his head, something he had constructed?
Question of doubt started swarming his head last night not being able to drift to the familiar unconscious easily, even with Taehyung's arms wrapped around him in a protective manner and Coconut sweetly purred beside him, tail grazing his leg.
He felt nausea continuing to creep up his throat as well, maybe also from skiping breakfast today, feeling like there was a massive stone sunk deep in his gut, not being able to force any food down.
Hands fiddled with themselves, fingertips gliding over the smooth surface of his nails, occasionally finding grip on his jeans as he suddenly felt a hand being softly placed on his thigh, smoothing up and down in a calming manner.
"Everything okay, baby?" His boyfriend's deep voice passed through his lips in a worried yet sweet tone, probably noticing Jeongguk's nervousness dripping mannerisms.
Gguk turned his head over to Taehyung, noticing that they were standing at a red light, the other's eyes swirling with worry, slight pout visible on his lips.
"Yeah, nervous, i guess?" He sighed heavily, forcing his lips to curl into a fake reassuring smile, still feeling the hand softly move up and down his jean covered thigh.
Noticing Taehyung taking his other hand off the steering wheel as well placing it on Gguk's cheek, thumb moving over it in circles.
"If you don't feel good we can always leave." The reassuring melody of Tae's voice resounded through his ears, stomach relaxing slightly from it's tensed up state.
He knew he didn't have to have a single worry about anything when Taehyung is there with him -- he had gained such ultimate trust in him, pupils morphing into hearts everytime he looks at him.
He saw the older slowly lean over, hand remaining placed on his thigh but instead of moving giving a sweet loving squeeze as he moved forward to close their distance.
Gguk fluttered his eyes close, each kiss still making his stomach bloom with butterflies and his heart swell with adoration, feeling the other's breath fanning against his lips before hearing a loud grunt from the back of the car, making the both of them shoot their eyes open and pull away.
"Oh my god, yes we get it, y'all in this love shit for life but can you maybe not do the gay stuff while literally standing at a light. I have to fear for my life here." His best friend loudly protested, annoyed huff escaping her lips, arms crossed infront of her.
Nayoo also decided to come with them today despite still having a cast wrapped around her leg, not even letting Gguk make the decision to ask her to accompany him as well. Just telling him straight up that she was going to be there to support him regardless -- Jeongguk would never deny his best friend, knowing her support was one of the things he was so incredibly grateful for in his life.
"You are just as gay, Nayoo." Jeongguk argued back at her as he settled back into his seat properly as Taehyung did the same, hands going to attach themselves back onto the starring wheel in the exact right moment, the light flipping from red to green.
"Wow, i'm offended because i'm clearly the gayest in the room." She scoffed, leaning forward inbetween the two seats where Gguk and Taehyung were seated.
"What room? This is a fucking car." Gguk laughed loudly, looking ovet behind him slightly, seeing his best friend's unbothered expression.
"This thing got four walls, windows, a floor and a ceiling, so it's a damn room." Her finger pointing at each individual thing as she made her points, sending Jeongguk and now also Taehyung into even more laughter.
Her witty nature really smoothed the atmosphere for Jeongguk, air flowing around him much easier than before, the pit that was stuck in his stomach feeling much more at ease now, making the rest of the drive just as relaxed as the past minutes were -- eventhough they didn't exactly come to a conclusion on the definition of a room.
And sooner than Gguk had expected they arrived at the huge medical complex, luckily getting a parking spot almost right infront.
Stepping out the car and going to help Nayoo right away, cast on her leg gotten much smaller, less bulky over the past weeks as her ankle was healing in a much faster manner than expected.
Carefully helping her out as Taehyung was already waiting with her crutches right beside them, arm hooking around her waist and pulling her out, waiting until she stood stable on her leg.
Taehyung carefully placed the aforementioned crutches in both of her tiny hands before the three of them walked over to the massive building towering infront of them, Jeongguk swallowing heavily, trying best to keep his calm he had just gained, trying to decrease the speed of his heart beat.
Arriving at the huge glass frosted entry, Taehyung moved ahead of them pushing it open with the side of his body, Gguk seeing the foreign name that he had did all research about plasted on the entrance of the building among the other medical professionals listed on it.
They made their way up to the third floor -- with the elevator of course for Nayoo's sake, Gguk just fascinated with her endurance by now, knowing how bruised the palms of her hands are from gripping onto the plastic of the crutches all day long.
But his thoughts were more glued towards what was about to happen -- he was really going to therapy.
He felt his hands cross infront of his body, back to fiddling with eachother yet again, millions and millions of thoughts rushing through his head, blending out his surroundings.
But before he could venture back in the horrible cycle of overthinking, he felt soft hands pulling his apart and intertwine with his own, shrugging together in slight surprise.
"Bun, it's totally okay if you don't feel ready for this. We can always go. I just want to make sure you are comfortable." He looked up, not even noticing that his head had been hanging low, seeing both the concerned features of his boyfriend and best friend.
"Gguks, we are with you for a reason. If this gets too weird for you, we are there." Nayoo added, voice sweet like candy and an even sweeter smile making it's way to her lips. "Like we kinda love you, you know?" Her chuckle ringing through the tiny space.
Gguk tried smiling back but his head was busy contemplating if he really wanted this now, if he was really ready.
This was his only opportunity to turn back now, scrap going to therapy for his issues he can't seem to deal with on his own, his only chance to get over the past, get better and maybe eventually forgive.
He closed his eyes for a split second, sucking in a deep breath, feeling an encouraging squeeze placed around his hand. "I want to do this. If it gets uncomfortable i'll call you guys in." He fluttered his eyes open again, proud smiles now scribbled across their beautiful lips, just now noticing how both their eyes turned into little cresents when they lifted up the corners of their lips -- he really has the best people around him.
Before any further conversation could be held the ding of the elevator pulled all their attention on it, doors sliding open, the three of them stepping out right into the doctor's office.
Jeongguk immediately noticed the comfort of the place right away, scattered with sweet pastel colors, floor's tiles tinted a minty shade and walls painted a light yellow and what he liked most -- seemingly not very busy today.
"Hello, how can i help you?" He heard a melodic voice to his right, head turning to see the stark white colored reception, young woman with short orange-ish hair and round glasses sitting behind it, a nice welcoming smile across her lips.
He felt his voice stuck in his throat for a mere second, feeling a slight nudge from Taehyung's side to encoruage him further.
"Ah, hello. I have -- an appointment at 4." He stepped forward, standing right infront of the reception table now, Nayoo and Taehyung staying stepped back a bit but still close enough for Gguk having his hand tightly attached to his boyfriend's.
"Name, please?" The woman looked up, just now noticing her slightly foreign features, stark blue eyes staring back at him.
"Jeon Jeongguk." He pulled Taehyung a tiny bit closer, feeling nervous feeling set in again as it was now getting more serious.
He saw her tiny hands placed on the keyboard infront of her, moving quick to type in what he assumes to be his name, her eyes bouncing from corner to corner of the screen shining on her face.
"Oh, yes. Doctor is ready for you in a couple of minutes. There are chairs right infront of the therapy room, please sit down until the assistant calls for you." Lifting her right hand to point to said chairs, Gguk nodded his head in a little thank you before going to sit down on the middle one, Nayoo sitting on his right and Taehyung going for the one to his left.
But before he could even settle in for a second, he door infront of them opened, another woman with all sorts of files in her hand stepping out, reading off the top paper.
"Jeon Jeongguk? Doctor is ready for you." She smiled just as sweetly as the receptionist, the staff giving him a comfortable feeling about this place, head jumping back to all the positive reviews he read about their hospitality.
He lifted himself from his seat rather slowly, hands gripping on each armrest to push himself up, yet another a wave of nervous energy gushing through his system as he caught his bottom lip between his teeth.
Stepping forward, he looked back one more time, seeing the encouraging eyes of his most important people, both of them nodding their head ever so slightly, smiles across their lips, giving Gguk the final push to enter the room.
The door fell close behind him, eyes searching around the room, seeing the female doctor he had already looked up a lot about stand infront of him, her features obviously not korean or anything related, hair blonde and slightly wavy, body grown quite tall.
"Hello, should we sit down first and then start with introductions maybe?" She smiled gesturing towards the white wooden table pushed flush towards the back of the wall, flowers what Gguk would guess to be orchids standing in a blue stained glass vase placed on top, one grey fabric looking seat placed on either side.
Gguk smiled back at her, all nervousness flushed away upon her extremely calming precence, stepping towards the chair and sitting down, just now noticing the same comforting pastel colors spread throughout the room.
"So, i'll start i guess." She sat down across from him with a chuckle, her korean sounding completely like a native speaker, no accent lacing throughout her words what so ever. "My name is Doctor Grace Anderson, but no formalities here. You can call me Grace. And you are?"
Her comment forcing out the tinest chuckle from Jeongguk's throat, feeling like he was more talking to a friend than to a psychologist. "I'm Jeon Jeongguk. But also just Jeongguk for short."
"Okay, Jeongguk, got it. So how about we talk a bit about you first. Just a bit about yourself." She leaned forward in her chair the tinest bit, arms placing themselves on the table as support. "What do you do in your free time? How do you have such a cool hair color?"
Gguk let yet another chuckle at the second question. "Well, for the first one, I dance. A lot." Smile across his lips, dancing obviously the first thing that jumps to his mind. " I also enjoy video games, playing with my cat -- uhm hanging out with friends. And well i wanted a change and uhm -- my boyfriend dyed it." Words coming out more confident than he could have ever imagined, being able to say the word boyfriend as openly as he just did, heart swelling in pride, somehow feeling this absolute trust with the person infront of him.
"Ooh, boyfriend? That's amazing! I'm gay myself." Her voice sounding surprised in the best way possible, Gguks mouth falling agape at the common orientation.
"What? Oh my god." Jeongguk's voice obviously laced with disbelief, knowing deep inside he really had chosen the right person to go to.
He instantly felt that connection, feeling like Grace understood him one hundred percent just from a simple introduction.
The atmosphere throughout the room felt cooling and refreshing, like he was just talking to someone he had known for a while already.
All the nervousness and nausea he felt before completely washed away, already knowing he was going to come back here, having trust that Grace can actually help him properly, knowing that she knows his struggles as an LGBTQ+ person better than anyone else.
The rest of the session pretty much flew by in the blink on eye, what he had throught to be the introduction taking up way more time than he thought, drifting off into different topics in all directions.
"Oh, Jeongguk, i have my next appointment in a couple of minutes. It's always the best to get to know my patients first, so we can talk about the actual issues much easier the next session which i hope there will be?" Grace stood up from her chair, strolling over to a desk behind her picking up a little piece of of paper and a pen along with it, scribbling something down.
"Yes, i will come back." Smile plastered on his face, knowing no matter the cost that -- yes, he will come back, and more than ready to talk about his actual issues the next time.
Grace walked back over to him, placing the paper infront of him, a little card with a smiley face on it the words 'see you soon!' written over it, the next appointment scribbled beside it. "I'm glad, we'll see eachother then!" She bowed slightly as Jeongguk picked up the paper and did the same, but making sure to bend a little lower than she did.
"Thank you so much, yes i'll look forward to it." He bowed a second time, already stepping near the door, hand placing on the handle.
"Let me head out the door with you, i have to pick up some papers." He heard her call from behind, jogging up to him, hearing the slight russle of keys that were attached to one of the hoops of her waistband.
Gguk pushed down, opening the door, seeing both Taehyung and Nayoo look up from their cellphones in an instant, anticipation written all over their expression, his boyfriend jumping up to immediately, streching his arms out and embracing him tightly.
"I'm so proud of you." He felt the older one's breath fan at this ear, hands wrapped around his mid section, kisses being placed to his cheek and hearing the tinest of 'i love you's' ringing on his eardrum, butterflies swarming his stomach as sensation of pride filled him.
He had really just gone through with what was overdue for years, going to therapy and actually having such a good experience that he would obviously continue to go. Eventhough this session was lighthearted and sweet, he knew he could talk to Grace about more serious matters, already having gained trust in her skills.
"Hey i'm here too!!" He heard Nayoo's voice protesting, releasing his body ever so slightly from the tight embrace of Taehyung, head turning to smile at his best friend.
"I'm also proud of yo- Oh! Excuse me! You dropped this!" He suddenly heard her call out, her hands trying to stretch for what looked like some kind of bracelet shining on the floor, seeing Grace stop and turn around immediately.
"Oh, oh my god, my bracelet, thank you so so much." He saw Grace pick the shimmery string off the ground, bowing to Nayoo's somehow speechless expression, sparkles fluttering though her deep brown eyes, mouth ever so slightly agape as her vision was glued on the doctor infront of her.
And Jeongguk just knew immediately -- yes, Nayoo had a crush, a big one.
With how today went he truly felt like this was going to be his personal little happy end, with Taehyung always by his side, comforting him and truly being able to love him. With Nayoo always stuck to him no matter the circumstance, never leaving him alone and hopefully finding her own little happiness soon -- maybe in a certain gay doctor that he just happens to know now.
°***°
painkillers pt 2 is published too!
Thoughts? Worries? anything else? tell me pls <3
I hope even if this wasnt as action packed (or smut lmao) that this was still nice and readable :)
A little note: Grace is the Grace from onelasttae 's Worst behaviour in which Nayoo is featured as well ♡ We found it cute to have our two lesbian best friend characters find their way together somehow. Btw i miss you lots, can't wait for you to be back eventually, i'll always cheer you on :)
I found it very important to talk about the topic of therapy and maybe take the anxiousness around seeking it off of some of you guys!
Going to the physiologist is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or fear in anyway, i did a lot of research for first therapy sessions and included my own experiences to help and show that the first one is often just about getting to know who you are talking to and building a sort of trust.
If you dont like it after the first one, you have no absolute need to go back, only talk to the ones you feel trust in ♡
On a more lighthearted and different topic i'm very very pumped for X1's debut!!
also look at my babie dongpyo sigh ))): protecc)))): also for those who watched the show its still and will forever be missing haenami hours ..
have a nice day everyone!