"And one day,your name didn't make me smile anymore."
Anika and Gauri both were utterly left clueless and confused after their confrontation and also seething with hate, pain and anger. Anika wanted to destroy everything within her reach burn down the whole OM in her grief and heartbreak while Gauri wanted to burn herself down, break her prejudice, her thoughts, the things taught to her piece by piece. How foolishly she had acted back then how could she even think Anika bhabi wanted her one child to feel isolated and the other to feel like a princess. How could she trust Pinky Oberoi's words when Anika di never said anything to anyone regarding Anya expect staying as far as possible from Anya?? How could she trust Pinky ma's words claiming Anya had injured Omisha gravely by pushing him down the stairs?? Everytime any of the children got injured Anya will be there beside that nothing proved her involvement in the injuries than why did she channel all her warth on that kid?? Why didn't she want anything to do with her and let Pinky ma who always blamed Anya for everything be the only person involved in Anya's life apart from Shivaaye bhaiya who tried to make the girl come out of her room and involve with the family whenever he was home. why didn't she question the children's sudden interest in playing with Anya whenever Shivaaye bhaiya was around?? Why didn't she question Pinky aunty who will cry around Shivaaye bhaiya about everything Anya had done wrong and never mention her good qualities? why didn't she say anything when Pinky aunty tried to divert Shivaaye bhai's attention towards bhabi whenever he asked some questions about Anya whose answer none of them knew. Why was she so obedient to whatever elders said why she looked past all their mistakes and injustice they had inflicted on them?? Why didn't she take a stand???
There were so many what if's and so many thoughts about what could have been different if she acted on her instincts and maternal love rather than ignoring the child craving for mother's love. How different would it have been if Anya really could share her feelings with them if Anya could tell them what actually happened with her, what actually she felt and what really made her hate everyone?? What filled her heart with poison against everyone but Anya won't utter a single word of her past and sufferings to them. Anya won't ever open up to them and they can just curse themselves now, curse themselves for forgetting the real colours of Tej Singh Oberoi and Pinky Singh Oberoi, for forgetting that Anya was just a baby and it was Tej who insisted on Svetlana's stay in OM, for forgetting how much Pinky hated Anika and no doubt she would have hated her daughter too cause she could only see Anika in her daughter and not Shivaaye instead of blaming the child they should have blamed the people who were equally responsible for that incident and Gauri just couldn't meet the distraught eyes of Anika, Anika's eyes were swirling with so much pain and anger that Gauri really didn't know what to do??
"I could never understand why Ishana was so cold towards me and her words so rude and cutting, I thought she was still angry for the past but no, she knew the truth I didn't. Ishana knows my children more than anyone else, more than the sister I trusted to care for my child that time I thought she didn't know about what I've gone through, didn't knew why I couldn't be there for Anya and was just taunting me for that night but no Ishana knew more than me and all what I've gone through doesn't even matter now, I thought my child will be safe and happy away from me but I just made her more miserable and lonely, nothing matters now. Nothing, I could go through that pain happily, I could hurt myself without any remorse, be scared of myself without any fear, go through the mental torment again and again knowing my child was away from harm, to save her from hurt I would have beared everything but even she wasn't happy and I was hurting her more, why, why did this had to happen with my children? Why did they have the same fate as me??I hate god, god really isn't there or my children wouldn't have suffered like this if god really was here in the world. All my prayers were for nothing" Anika was broken so was her faith in god, she didn't believe in anyone anymore how could a mother believe in god when her children suffered without any fault
"Di don't say like this, god brought them back to us...he will make everything fine too" Gauri tried to reassure her, tried to make her believe in god again but Anika was broken and her children were broken too and god didn't save them from the darkness, god didn't help them, god let them suffer and she couldn't believe in god again
"God won't do anything, only we can and I'll, I'll find my children's culprit. I'll find the reason of their haunted eyes and broken soul, the pain filled gazes and rare smiles. You remember what a lovely child Shivanya was full of smiles for everyone, full of joy and curious gaze, always demanding to be picked up and go out for strolls, she loved outdoors and new things, putting everything in her mouth and never ready to climb down from her father's lap while Ansh stuck to me like a glue always shy of everything new, always a little introvert while Anya babbled in her baby language always keeping our attention on her and even bringing out emotions from Ansh, Ansh screamed with Anya only and laughed with her too, they fought with each other but couldn't live seperate. Anya learned talking first and Ansh walking and oh how displeased little Anya was of her running brother when she could just crawl around the house, always making sure everyone stayed alert of an little toddler exploring all the nook and corners of the house. Anya called me Ma first and she laughed and cried with me, she couldn't sleep without hearing me sing and god forbid if she was sick she won't let go of me always wanting me near and Ansh had cried so much on his first day of play school, not wanting to be there without me and Anya had hugged him making him comfortable with the new surroundings but at the end of the day it was Anya who had run in my arms first never letting her fear of new surroundings show but I knew how she felt no matter how many times she tried to pull her little brave face" Anika's eyes were moist and distant reliving memories of a happy past which changed into a dark future as she continued in a despondent tone
"And now I don't know them, Anya won't smile or laugh freely....she won't come to me after a new discovery beaming with happiness and she won't let anyone near her, she doesn't try to befriend anyone and I'm afraid my daughter has more enemies than friends and my son is another lost case he is not the shy little boy, I knew but a witty man grown with words sharper than blades ready to cut down enemies but he is still a mumma's boy sadly I'm not that mother, Ishana is and he won't leave his mother for the whole world" Anika's tone was crestfallen, her soul burning with fury and remorse yet with no outlet to let out the grief and fury
"And they'll understand everything bhabi, Anya is not unreasonable neither is Ansh, they'll understand your pain they won't hold it against you?" Gauri said in an optimistic voice trying to comfort her bhabi but her words had the opposite effect on Anika
"But what will them knowing change Gauri, will them knowing erase all the wounds inflicted on them, will them knowing change the past, will them knowing lessen their pain...no...it won't it will just make them more guilty"
"But"
"no, but's Gauri I still know my children a little, I know Anya will blame herself for my illness, Anya will blame herself thinking she drove her mother mad and then hated and blamed her mother, I know Ansh he'll blame himself for the whole incidence and following those men in first place. My children will burn in guilt, Anya will blame herself for never noticing my condition and bury herself in guilt and blame that was never her, I can't soother her pain so I won't burden her with more. Let them hate me, let them despise me...let them curse me for all their pains, I'll happily bear their hate if it'll save them from more pain" there was a bitter smile gracing her lips as she looked around her, yes, they'll be very proud to tell the whole world that Anika Oberoi is mad, Anika Oberoi had regular psychiatrist visit in past and she herself till now doesn't know whether she was really mad or not?
"Mom" the sudden entrance of Shivika startled both ladies
"ha, Shivi" Anika said expertly wiping away her tears
"They were calling you for lunch" Shivika told them not meeting their eyes
"I'm not feeling like eating today, Shivi"
"Neither am I"
"But mom, choti mom"
"No buts Shivi, Is Anya back yet" Anika asked her, she needed to see Anya now.....She needed to see her daughter and check the depths of hurt the others saw before her
" no, not yet"
"Okay, tell me when she does" Anika told her softly before again getting lost in her thoughts, well she was trying to figure out the reality of her thoughts.
"I think it all ended when my name stopped igniting a smile on their face, the day I ceased being their safe haven. I think I ended there too"
Anya was sitting in her room in OM with Ansh as he made funny faces at Sisira who was throwing her arms and legs in air, laughing brightly and no one could blame Anya if the smile didn't want to leave her face. The past few days were startling for her to be truthful. She didn't have any doubt that OM will go up in chaos when she entered it premises with a baby in her arms and she didn't answered their question, their shouts had made the baby scared as she started wailing loudly and that was the point for Ansh as he scared them away , by them she means Pinky and Tej whose yells could have been easily being heard outside the mansion too as the word adopted wasn't enough for them and she didn't want to explain anything after that one word to anyone.
Mrs Oberoi seemed odd to her, the way she will look at her tugged something inside her cold heart and she didn't want any tugs now.Many times she found her beside Sisira whispering sweet stories to the child, stories about her and she pretended to sleep through those moments listening to forgotten tales about herself and acting the same cold girl in the morning.
She avoided her dad every living moment. She will melt watching his sad heartbroken gaze and she doesn't want to melt. She will tell him something which in return will made him cry and she can't see him cry. So, she is actively avoiding her dad always hiding behind her human shield of brother, who was coming quite handy from the past few days and keeping her sane whenever she wanted to scream on top of her lungs and yell, I give up. I want to go back to my home. Ansh was there with her making her regain her composure and laugh off everything else. He was the bestest brother in the whole world for sure.
"Ansh, I'll be back in a minute okay" She whispered to her brother who was all lost in playing with the baby
"yeah, sure" Ansh dismissed her just like that, this guy was already in love with the baby along with the other two people claiming to be the world's best uncle, her smile only widened as she thought about her and Viaan's talk interrupted by over excited Savvy and Ro.
Her smile deflated a little when she spotted Shivika with Mudit, Alya and Sheetal and hastily changed her track, the plan was to go to the garden but no she won't take that route now, terrace didn't sound that bad right. Let's move to the terrace as the pool side was a big no to her, no that place didn't have fond memories for her.
Reaching the terrace, she took a deep relaxing breath letting the evening breeze mess up with her hair and caress her soft skin as she looked over everything. She was in peace away from everyone and how wonderful it would have been if she had a steaming cup of tea with her along with a certain cricketer's arms wrapped around her. Well, how wonderful that would have been but that certain cricketer is in Delhi right now and she is still here. Savvy's words couldn't have been more touching or soul stirring for her as his words for her. She never had friends before and now she had friends who don't back out from always telling her how much she mean to them, Savvy's goofy smiles or Ro's sincere or apologizing smiles whenever Vi and Savvy went overboard with their antics.
"Apni dosti ka bas itna sa usool hai yara jab tu qabool hai toh tera sab kuch qabool hai ( our friendship have only one principle dear friend, when you're accepted than your everything is accepted too)" sometimes their words compelled her to write again but the pen in her hand will start shaking nearing a blank paper and her eyes will start shedding pearl drops as her mind yelled Shivanya used to write Anya doesn't.
"Tumhari duniya se jaane ke baad, When I leave your world
hum ek taare me nazar aaya karenge, you'll see me in a star
Tum har pal koi dua maang lena, make a wish at every moment
Aur hum har pal toot jaya krenge. And I'll fall every moment."
"Kya khub likha tha kisine, ab har roz dua mein unhe hi mangte hai aur dua wapis aa jati hai har pal ( how wonderfully someone had written this, now I wish for her every moment but the wish always return back to me)" Anya's breath hitched hearing that voice, why can't she enjoy a moment of peace alone. She shouldn't have left the room and she can't even call Viaan now.
"jisse dua mein manga hai voh ab hai hi nhi, dua toh wapis aayengi hi na. jo mili thi use hi apna lete (The person you wished for is no more, the wish will obviously return. The girl you got you should have accepted her)" she let out a humorless chuckle, not even turning back to meet him as she gazed at the sky with a wan smile.
"Pyaar nhi tha, pyaar toh usse tha jisne voh lafz likhe the ( there was no love, I loved the one who wrote those words)" His tone was bitter and her heart made of ice
"you loved the words, not the writer and even the writer is no more now" she was hurting, it wasn't easy moving on but she had moved on and it will be better if everyone accepted that fact.
"It's a blatant lie and you know that Shivanaya, I never cheated on you like that Viaan, I know that kid is his isn't she, why are you still with him?? Why are you raising his child as yours?? Why can't you leave him even after this insult?? he is making you accept his illegitimate child and you're still with him?? Why, don't you leave Viaan, why????????"
"because I can forget breathing but not loving Viaan and what made you think Sisira is Viaan's child?? Didn't I and Ansh make it quite clear that I adopted that child." her eyes split fire as he met his eyes swirling with rage, pain and madness and she was a little mad herself having this confrontation on the cold terrace, wasn't she??
"And what about him?? Do you really think he loves you Shivanya?? Do you really think someone like him could ever love someone??"
"Yes he does but can you really accept or love me after this??" There was a light teasing tone in her voice and cold glint in her eyes as she unveiled a little of her burnt shoulder and displayed it to him. The marks were ugly and she knew it.
....to be continued....