A white wooden bridge arched elegantly over the blue-green pond that had a low squeaking sound whenever my foot stepped on it. Since Lianhua and Tianshang palace were connected, the crossover bridge was the midpoint of the two palaces. Walking over to the other side of the bridge meant I had entered into my palace ground.
My insides were burning so badly, like a thousand ants biting into my heart fiercely, yet, I put on a calm facade quietly pacing back to my palace with the servants following behind. Shang was pretty shocked since he discovered the wound on my neck was actually caused by His Majesty,
"Your Highness, I'm sure His Majesty didn't mean to harm you. In fact, h-he umm..."
"He what?" I asked taking notice of his fidgeting fingers, showing a look of confusion.
"Deep inside His Majesty truly cares for Your Highness." He answered with a deep sigh. My heart skipped a beat at those words but soon it grew cold. If it's really as Shang said, why would he execute someone who he deeply cared about? I couldn't help but snort at myself for actually believing it. Shang could only say this thinking of the past. But now the past no longer matters.
Everything had changed...
When will you ever learn Su Ying? My inner self had been asking me this question repeatedly yet I continued to ignore it.
Lightly nodding at Shang to once again reassure him, I didn't say anything.
I just didn't want to.
Shang could only bow his head down depressingly as he followed me. The tension around us had become heavy. Once I reached the palace entrance, I dismissed the other servants and walked into the dressing room.
While Shang started to remove my outer red robe, I slightly moved my head to the side where Shang was and gave him a tight smile,
"Shang."
"Yes, Your Highness?" He replied cautiously from behind.
The little smile was still plastered on my lips as I said, "People tend to change constantly, Shang. It's funny how you can know somebody for so long and they change right in front of you. Sometimes it's not the people who change, it's the mask that falls off. At a certain point, you'll have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life. We need to move on."
Though I couldn't bring myself to move on, knowing that a person I love this much would not be appearing a second time in my life.
I shut my eyes, recalling a certain memory and continued, "Just like the tentative buds of spring, the heavy sensuality of summer, and like the autumn, colorful and majestic, but right on the verge of winter, to be stripped down to what was really beneath, the bare branches, people tend to change both physically and mentally as time goes. They would age and mature with continuous challenges in life. The people we once knew will no longer be the same, they will change like the seasons."
I turned to Shang who was looking at me with a serious expression,
"The only difference is that winter will come back once again but..." I let out a long sigh and resumed,
"Once gone, it's very hard to come back into a person's life."
He nodded in understanding, his eyes filled with concern.
My heart was itching at every second urging me to speak and I did. I couldn't help but ask him, "Shang, if there had ever been someone you truly cherished, but that person had mercilessly betrayed you, trampling your feelings and broken your heart without a second thought, will you still be able to cherish that person?"
Imperial Father probably thought it wasn't right to castrate Shang Mo, since the family had no other choice but to accept his offer in a dire situation. So unlike Shang Dong who stubbornly followed the palace rules, Shang Mo was personally excused by Imperial Father. This was an open secret in the palace. If he wished to get married, he was free to do so. Well, it's another matter if he laid his hands on the palace ladies, then I'd have to personally castrate him.
He lightly frowned yet answered immediately shaking his head, "This servant wouldn't be able to."
I nodded at that, "Hmm that's right. But what if it's the person you love wholeheartedly?"
His mouth gaped open and closed like a fish. After a while, he answered again carefully, "If the person I loved were to hurt me so severely... I definitely won't be able to keep on loving her, Your Highness. Only a fool would continue to love someone despite all the hurt she had given."
Unintentionally, my own servant had labeled me a fool. It was eerily quiet as none of us spoke any further. After changing into much simpler clothes I had one last look in the mirror. I grabbed a jade tassel from the desk, and turned to my head eunuch,
"Do you know Shang, there is no such thing as falling "in" or "out" of love. When you truly love, it never dies. Love is eternal. It's sacred. It's a way of life... Not some temporary feeling that loses its truth over time. People only fall "out" of love when they never truly loved to begin with. Love is accepting every part of that one special person no matter who they are. If you expect to simply see the bright side of a person, it means your love is superficial. Holding onto this love even if it's a ride full of wild bumpy roads, you should be ready to widely open your arms and accept them with all their faults. It's a way of being true to your love. Their happiness should be your happiness, even if it means letting them go."
I chuckled, "Only a few people could love so selflessly. I don't mean that you should force yourself to keep loving that person if it's hard for you. As long as your willing to, then it is your choice. People are free to love the way they want to. What I said just now was the correct way to love someone, which is also the most difficult way to do so..."
"I'm sure you had heard the story about the famous pipa musician who fell in love with a psychopath. People constantly questioned his foolishness. Until the very end, they never understood why a profound man continued to love a crazy woman who took advantage of his love and used him until nothing was left of him. Even going as far as to commit suicide for her. In the end, he had fallen along with the woman. He had forgotten to firmly stand on his ground losing the things important to him. You need to love but not to lose your self-awareness. People are given a human life for a reason. We need to use it well until it withers. Deciding to end it on your own would be a slap to the gods who had created us, thus they will never bestow us a second life. Something like this, I don't accept it either. But you can't call those people fools. What right do we have? What qualification? It's their pain, not ours. We only need to sympathize not to criticize their choices. Judging other people when we know nothing, aren't we hypocrites?"
Tying the jade tassel on my sash belt, a sigh escaped my lips, "You may believe love to be the most beautiful dream in your life but you are wrong. As much as love can be beautiful, it may also cause unbearable pain to people's hearts, scarring them for eternity. After all, it's the nature of love. People may blatantly say that loving a person so blindly is stupid or madness."
I paused and faintly shook my head, "But I call it true love."
Nodding, a smile blossomed on Shang's face, "Finally Your Highness had decided to speak after a long time."
"What do you mean?"
"Ever since returning from the borders Your Highness had been very quiet and rarely spoke about matters other than work. I've been wondering if you were bothered about something. I'm glad Your Highness spoke to me like this. Please know that this lowly servant would always be there to lend an ear to His Highness's worries." he replied meekly.
This boy was happy just because I spoke a little too much today? And here I thought I was blabbering too much on my own.
Warmth spread throughout my heart, "Thank you."
He hastily shook his head dumbfounded, "Your Highness mustn't thank this lowly servant. This servant isn't worthy of such words."
I sighed feeling helpless.
"...Shang, if one day His Majesty were to pierce my heart with his sword, never say anything offensive to him. Bow your head and quietly accept it." My eyes hardened as I spoke. I had said these words to him in my last birth, on the day I was dragged to the torture hall. I feared that this boy who deeply cared for me would disregard his place and recklessly blame the Emperor, wasting his precious life.
Hearing these words, Shang's pupils contracted and his shivering lips murmured, "T-This-" He swallowed the words unable to speak. After a long time, he managed to reply with downcast eyes,
"This servant understands."
My eyes started to lightly sting as my nose began to itch. But before Shang could see, I quickly dismissed him from the room and slumped down in front of the mirror looking into my own reflection. My flawless appearance looked exhausted as I smiled bitterly to myself,
"It really hurts."
My voice choked at the end, tears gathering in my eyes but like always they never fell. They were just like me too stubborn to fall down.
What truly hurt wasn't the typical words he spoke, but the hatred deeply rooted in his eyes. Those eyes were like a sharp blade brutally plunging into my heart. With my burning emotions, heavy pants started to leave my lips, my fingers trembling. Clenching my teeth, I balled my hands into fists.
"No! Su Ying never gives up." My little figure had resolutely declared this in front of the Imperial Father. Ever since I was a kid I never knew the meaning of giving up. Having heaps of responsibility thrown onto my shoulders since age thirteen, I had only been taught how to win. To give up means to lose. To have emotions take over you, means to be weak.
I had never intended to give up my love for him.
I just feel tired after everything I'd gone through...
My elbows rested on the table as I buried my face in my palms, trying to sort out my muddled head. It's hard to always bottle everything up in your heart.
Sometimes you have to let it out... At least a little.
Taking a deep breath in I quickly got up but soon my feet paused and turned towards the mirror once again. Looking at my cold reflection on the mirror, I sighed for the hundredth time today, leaving the room and pacing towards my study chamber. There was a strange sensation in my heart as I walked into that room. I was feeling restless for some unknown reason.
Slowly closing the doors tightly, I scanned every corner of the room. The morning light warmly embraced the well-organized room giving off a white glow. A gentle and cool breeze wafted through the round window engulfing the room with a mixture of aromatic odors of florals.
After a while, I turned to the left where the huge bookshelf was standing proudly with dozens of books and scrolls. Quietly scrutinizing it for a moment, I strode to the right corner of the shelf and hunched down to grab a red cover book as I could see the brick wall behind it. At first glance, nothing seems to be out of ordinary about it. However as soon as I firmly pushed the brick that was behind the red book, I heard a loud ticking sound from underneath my feet. I swiftly stepped back as the bookshelf slowly slid to the left, revealing a dark pathway with stairs that led to an underground chamber. My hand holding the candle-light unconsciously tightened as I entered the pathway.
Honestly speaking, the room was very bland like one of the servant rooms. There was nothing extraordinary about it. But in contrast, like a lotus blooming in the mud, at the center of the room was a white jewelry box made out of the finest jade with exquisite cravings. It was lying on a red cushion, that sat on a thick black stone pillar reaching my waist. Silently looking at the box as if I was contemplating something, I finally decided to reach my hand out and gently open it. Looking inside, I could only be stunned. For a moment I thought my world shattered completely. I almost stumbled to the ground unable to believe my eyes. However, quickly gathering myself, I immediately ran out of the room and wrote a message on a piece of paper and set off my carrier pigeon.
"This is bad..." I muttered to myself with a deep frown and lifelessly sat down on my seat. Closing my eyes, I took in a deep breath, and counted to hundred to calm myself down. I have yet to solve one problem but here comes another. I guess the gods had never planned to give me a rest.
A/N: I should really thank you for your patience! Thanks for reading bunnies. Please remember to drop comments and votes if you liked the chapter. See you soon!