Oli's tender hand on my thigh was very conflicting. It wasn't high enough on my leg that it could be considered intimate, but still, the gesture wasn't exactly one friends exchanged. I could feel the heat of his palm coming through the fabric of my jeans and heating my skin. It was confusing, and I didn't know what to make of it. My skin didn't tingle, there weren't any sparks, but I still felt something; a comforting, enjoyable warmth that emanated from his touch.
Nine months. I hadn't been intimate with anyone for nine months, and finally being touched, even a gesture as platonic as this one was bound to make me feel something. For nine long months, no man had laid a hand on me, and I was suddenly remembering we were gregarious animals, with needs and instincts. I hadn't realized what I'd missed, as it simply wasn't there, but now I somehow craved it.
Intimacy.
A part of me wanted Oli to move his hand up, to truly make a move and leave no room for doubts or questions. Ever since his bold move with the ice cream, he hadn't done anything remotely as flirty, so I'd been left wondering if maybe I hadn't imagined things. I hated mixed signals, and I wanted him to show me what he wanted so I would have to stop wondering. But at the same time, if he did, I would have to make a decision and consider whatever feelings he may harbor for me. I liked him a lot. He was a friend, my very best in Seattle. But my brain couldn't fathom him being more than that.
Someone shouted, and I was reminded of the people with us. I looked around worriedly, to see if anyone was seeing what was happening on our end of the couch, but everyone was focused on Jay. Everyone except Tamika, who was holding back a grin, her eyes discreetly turned to Oliver's hand on my thigh.
I didn't want her to get too excited, or imagine things, so I stood up suddenly, dislodging Oli's hand. "Anyone want a refill?" I asked, grabbing the empty bottles of beers on the table.
A few nods came my way, and Oli didn't seem to take my sudden escape poorly, as he asked for one too. With my hands full of empty bottles, I went to the kitchen. They joined the other ones on the counter, and I went to get fresh Coronas from the fridge, as well as the opened bottle of Rosé. Once everyone had their drinks, keeping beers for Oliver and myself, I sat back in my spot, trying to get as close as possible to Julia. I handed his beer to Oli and pretended to focus on Tammy, who was drawing a cat-like animal.
The charades ended, and our pair ended up in fourth place. Jay and Kat were first, Tammy and Soo second, and Dakota and her fiancée third.
We continued with a very raunchy game of cards against humanity. For once, my inappropriate humor turned out to be useful, and I won my fair share of rounds.
As the evening unfolded, the atmosphere loosened even further, the alcohol flowing, and a game of 'never have I ever' initiated itself. I hadn't played it since high school, and the whole thing would have felt a bit immature, were we not that inebriated.
The game quickly made me realize my life had been quite uneventful, as I turned out to be the one drinking the least. No, I'd never had sex in water, never driven drunk, stolen anything of value, cheated on a test, been kicked out of a bar... I couldn't help but watch Oliver's answer, curious about his adventurous side. He'd had sex in a pool, had driven drunk, but very slowly and carefully during the two-mile drive, and had lied to an ex about having someone new.
I listened and watched as they all played the game, taking sips, asking each other follow-up questions... When finally, someone proposed something I could drink to, I gladly took my shot, not thinking of the consequences.
I'd accidentally confessed to having never been in love.
When I put my bottle down, I noticed they were all looking at me with curious eyes. Dakota, who had asked the question, was the first one to say something, a barely perceptible sadness in her voice. "Andy, you've never been in love?"
I looked at them, not knowing what to say. Maybe I could lie and pretend to have only taken a sip at the wrong time, but I knew the look on my face right now would be proof enough I was lying.
As much as I'd wanted to be in love, I'd never truly been. Even with my little experience, I knew I had never loved any of my boyfriends. Of course, I had had some fond affection for them, and I still did, but I was quite certain the overwhelming feelings that so many books, songs, and movies described as love had never been a part of my life. I'd never longed for someone, needed them, desired them to such an extent. The breakups had never been as heartbreaking as I'd imagined it would. I had been told 'I love you' and I'd said it back; sometimes to feel normal, sometimes because I thought I meant it.
Dakota was still looking at me, waiting for my answer. "I'm okay, you know," I said, feeling like they were treating me like a terminally ill patient. "I've just never felt that way about someone, but it's all good. I still have time, and if it never comes, that's okay too," I argued, trying not to sound too defensive.
"Yeah, you're right," Dakota agreed, dismissing the whole thing with a hand gesture. The atmosphere was a little darker now, though, and I didn't understand why everyone was so affected by my revelation.
It was Soo's turn, and she quickly found something to ask, to change the subject. "Never have I ever joined the Mile-High club," she proposed while signing.
Jay drank, and so did Dakota. We all turned to Julia, waiting to know if her fiancée had done it with her, and she blushed under our merciless gazes. Embarrassed, she brought her glass of wine to her lips and drank from it.
"Okay, you guys have to tell us the story," Tammy demanded.
"Please, no," Julia objected. Oliver and I exchanged an amused smile at the situation, then turned back to the poor woman.
Dakota shrugged her shoulders, and a proud smile grew on her lips. "That's actually how we met," she revealed. Our jaws dropped, and all the heads turned to her. She didn't seem to want to add anything, so a few people began to protest.
"Ok, ok," she complied, giving an apologizing look to her blushing fiancée. "So, I was coming back from a New York trip, about three years ago. And I ended up seated next to this beauty right here," she recalled, gesturing at Julia. "I could tell she had been crying, and as we spoke, she eventually explained she and her boyfriend had split up, and she was going back to Seattle to spend some time with her parents. Pretty women crying are my weakness, so I made it my duty to comfort her before we landed. At some point, she admitted to having never been given an orgasm, so I obliged, in the tiny bathroom of the plane," she concluded with a triumphant smile on her lips.
"I can't believe you told them all this," Julia protested, her face red with embarrassment. Dakota bent and whispered something to her ear, making her blush even more if it was possible. Julia nodded, sending her fiancée a shy smile, and they both turned back to us.
"So, how was it?" asked Soo.
"We are engaged now, so I guess she did orgasm," Dakota bragged.
"I meant sex on a plane," Soo-Hyun clarified, rolling her eyes.
"Well, it really wasn't comfortable, and clearly unhygienic, but I guess I knew I was doing it for the woman of my life, so I ignored the unpleasant aspects of it."
"Weren't you scared to get caught?" Daryl's wife intervened.
"Of course we were. But the reward was worth the risk. And it added to the fun." Julia nodded, relaxing a little. I watched as her face changed into a dreamy expression, as she was probably recalling the moment.
"How is no one interested to hear my experience?" Jay complained. He'd also taken a sip for the statement.
"Because you are a man-whore. We wanted to hear about a romantic story, not your acrobatic experiments with a stranger," Kat explained, unapologetic. We all laughed at her bluntness, except for Jay, who frowned.
An unavoidable discussion followed about the craziest places everyone had had sex in, and strangely enough, an airplane's bathroom wasn't the wildest spot for Dakota and Julia. The strange turn the conversation had taken allowed me to glimpse at a side of Oli that I didn't know existed. While my lack of participation was embarrassing, he was actively taking part in it, having himself done a lot of crazy things. He'd had sex in someone's jacuzzi back in high school, had had sex in a port-a-potty during a music festival, and almost gotten a blow-job in church. It was weird to hear about the sexual side of him since I hardly saw him that way. But clearly, whether I considered him as a sexual being or not, it was clear Oli had some success with women.
Embarrassed by my silence, I excused myself and went to the kitchen where I began cleaning up, while still listening to their conversation. Soon enough, Oli joined me, his hands full of empty stuff from the table, and he helped me tidy things up.
He didn't make any comment about my obvious discomfort but instead joked about how we were discovering new sides to our coworkers – and I couldn't agree more. Once done, we each took a beer and laid back against the counter, to watch them argue as they tried to determine if oral counted as proper sex or not. Dakota was adamant that yes, but Jay and Daryl wouldn't agree. We observed silently, sipping on our Coronas.
When Daryl's wife proposed to stop giving him blowjobs altogether since it wasn't actually sex, his face turned white, and a giggle crept up my throat. I silenced it on Oli's shoulder. From the way he muffled his chuckle in my hair, I guessed he was also very amused by the turn of events. Rapidly, Daryl changed sides and joined Dakota in her battle to convince Jay.
It lasted for about five more minutes until someone noticed the time. It was almost three in the morning, and they decided it was time to head back home. A complicated session of goodbyes followed, and I saluted each one of them. One by one, they all left, except for Oli, who helped Tammy and me clean up the few things left. Once the apartment didn't look like a horde of thirsty young adults had feasted in our living room anymore, Oliver went to fetch his vest.
"I'll come down with you," I told him, tying up the well-filled garbage bag. He nodded with a grin and insisted on carrying it for me. He waved at Tammy, and we both headed out of the apartment.
"Thanks for coming," I said once we were in the elevator. "It was great to have you here."
"My pleasure, although, maybe we should think of a more efficient strategy for the charades. Not sure my pride could handle another night like this one," he declared, falsy grave. I giggled, remembering his truly horrible Smurf. "Hey! Have some mercy for my ego."
"Seriously, how can someone be so bad at drawing things?" I asked once my fit of laughter was gone.
"I rely on other talents," he explained. He hadn't said it suggestively, but my drunk brain directly went for that. For the first time, I wondered if Oliver was good in bed. He was the caring type, and from my experience, it mattered much more than so many other things. It was certain this man never left a woman unsatisfied.
We reached the ground floor, and Oli easily lifted the bag to exit the cabin. I followed and guided him to the dumpsters. I held the lid while he threw the bag in, and I then accompanied him to the building's entrance.
"Well, Oliver Paulson, thanks again for coming. I will see you on Monday," I said, pushing myself on my tiptoes to hug his tall frame. He hugged me back, and we stayed like this for a moment. When we pulled away, I noticed that the collar of his shirt was askew, which somehow bothered me.
Without giving it two thoughts, I reached up to his neck, settled the fabric right, and let my fingers slide down the opening of his plaid shirt. I looked up, still holding on to him, and his gaze was on my face, studying my features. Our eyes remained locked for an instant before he looked down to my lips.
My heart raced inside of my chest, my head spinning. Was it from the booze I'd drunk or was it Oli's closeness? He was thinking about kissing me. My entire body heated up, but I didn't know if it was from apprehension or eagerness. I remembered Tamika had advised me to go for it, to not waste too much time overthinking things. Maybe she was right. Maybe if he kissed me right here, right now, something would happen, and I would suddenly desire him.
My eyes went down to his lips as well, and I wondered how they tasted. Probably like beer at the moment, much like mine, but that wasn't the point. A keen curiosity invaded me. Was he a good kisser? Would I enjoy it? Would we be able to remain our usual selves after this?
I swallowed the lump that had gathered in my throat, and parted my lips a little, inviting him to go on with his plan. If it turned out to be terrible, we'd blame it on alcohol. If it turned out great, it would be chemistry.
He leaned a little forward, then stopped his descent, hesitating. After a short moment, a shallow crease formed between his brows. As he pulled away slightly, I understood he had changed his mind. Between the curiosity that was eating me from the inside, and the alcohol that loosened my inhibitions, I didn't think twice before fisting the fabric I was still holding, and pulling him down, so his lips could travel the few inches that separated them from mine.
Because of his slight surprise, my enterprising kiss was clumsy at first, our contact breaking for an instant before resuming. He stayed unmoving at first, and I did the same, my mouth plastered on his. I'd instinctively closed my eyes, and I wondered if he had as well. His hands moved to rest on my hips, and the touch was so gentle that I could think I'd imagined it. But the warmth of his palm was transferring to my skin, so I knew he was indeed touching me.
This felt weird, and not as easy and natural as I'd anticipated. To my disappointment, kissing Oli wasn't moving me much. Sure, it was enjoyable, and when he shifted slightly to angle his face better, I even felt some shivers run through me. But given our amazing intellectual chemistry, I'd expected the physical one to be much stronger than this mild reality.
Eventually, when I couldn't handle more awkwardness, I moved back. Letting go of his shirt, I flattened the fabric over his chest, avoiding his eyes. Eventually, I gazed up at his familiar eyes, something fluttering in my stomach. My shoulders lowered slightly, and I released my breath. Had I been holding it this whole time? Was I reassured or disappointed to know we might not be romantically compatible after all? Would it be for the best or the worse?
As if he could guess my doubts, Oli's hand moved up to clasp my neck. Daring, he pulled me forward as he bent toward me. My eyes were shut before our lips met again, and I was adamant to conjure the sparks that wouldn't come.
If I could lust after my boss whom I didn't even like, I most certainly could have those same feelings for Oli, whom I really liked.