"Really, Sybil. I think they'll be fine on their own. It's not as if they are sharing one," mom says when Tank's mom suggests they should go with us on the go-karts.
"I suppose... Let's grab drinks and we'll meet them at the exit," she says. She's been weird since we walked in. I hope mom can work her over while Tank and I go karting.
It's Friday night and my date with Tank is just starting at Golf n' Karts. I forgot how good he looks. Sure I have tons of pics of us on my phone and all his social media accounts. I go through them ten times a day... But when we spotted him sitting with his mom right at 7pm, my heart stopped.
"I can't believe we're doing this! I miss you so much!" Tank has the widest smile I've ever seen and his blue eyes twinkle under the lights.
"I miss you too." The sun is down and we're pressed into the line with a wall separating us from the rest of the park.
I slide my hand next to his and our fingers brush. His reach for mine, but I notice him tense up and look around us. He forces a smile when he sees me scoping him.
"I know this is weird. I seriously thought you'd say no. It's like I'm on parole or something," he admits. His eyes flash to mine and then look down like he can't face me.
"It's fine. Whatever works. I'm sure they will chill out after they get used to us," I tell him. It's what mom told me.
"I hope so. School starts next week anyways and you'll be there," he says.
"Next week? It's not even August yet!" I protest as if Tank has any authority over this.
"Yeah next week! Didn't you look at the calendar in your mailbox?" He gives me a smirk.
"No. We're bad about mail. I didn't even think about it, but I guess we're not going back to California as soon as I thought." I'm kind of glad for that. I'm not ready to say goodbye to this.
"No one leaves Arizona." Tank eyes me ominously. "No... one."
"I'm kind of liking it here." I say this as I'm wiping the sweat off my cheek from being outside. Even though the sun is gone, it's still over 100 degrees out here.
"It just feels good to be out of the house and not at church. What did you do this week? Tell me everything!" He looks so excited as the line moves forward.
I can't tell him about the group at the LGBT center because then I'd have to tell him about Evan and that would not end well. Evan and I have been texting back and forth like crazy and I felt fine about it until the very moment when we walked into this place and I saw Tank. Evan will never be Tank and just the thought of him makes me feel like I've done something wrong.
"Just chilled around with my dad. Nothing much." I lie. He cocks his head to the side like that can't be right.
"Sorry. I guess my plight kinda bummed your week out," he sighs like this is all his fault.
"No! Not at all. It's been great having my dad back. But he can't really get a job until they get married and sort out his citizenship. He's trying to do everything legally this time so he can stay for good. The lawyer told him to just lay low and avoid attention." I shrug.
"Oh. I get that. Sorry, Hayd." He shifts uncomfortably, but keeps his fingers touching mine.
We move forward in silence then. Our bodies do the talking. I press in behind him as the line narrows. I want to slide my arms around him and hold him tight, but I don't.
He pushes back against me and rubs that perfect bubble bottom on the one spot that quickly rises to attention. Everyone's watching the karts go around the circle. No one is looking at the quiet gay boys trying to get their fill of each other in the dimly lit line.
I nuzzle my nose into the back of his neck. He has on that body spray that his mom probably bought him from Costco for Christmas. It's not the best, but on him it becomes my favorite.
We're being very covert, but then Tank lets out this little happy sigh. Holy shit that sound goes straight to my brain and I want to hear it again and again. I want to make it my ringtone alarm so I can wake up to it every morning and rub myself thinking of him.
A guy behind us clears his throat in a not too natural way. I back off of Tank and then turn to see that the throat clearer isn't even looking at us. This is making me so paranoid. I turn back to Tank and he stifles a laugh.
"Yo! Next!" The guy at the front of the line calls. We move forward and get the last two cars.
We go around the track a dozen times. Tank starts behind me, but then he gets me on a corner and passes me. I don't even try to pass him. He's too competitive.
I see him strain his neck trying to look back at me, but he can't. Then his competitive side goes full force and he starts passing everyone else on the track. Tank can never not try to win, even if it means leaving me behind. I don't care. He's having fun and that's all I want.
He finishes in first place. I didn't want to be rude and pass the kid in front of me so I'm in dead last. Our moms are waiting at the exit and Mrs. Kempton looks a little more relaxed.
"See?" Mom says when we walk out. "No one gets pregnant on a go-kart."
I look at her in horror, but she just laughs and then Mrs. Kempton laughs and then Tank and I follow.
"I know. I know! This wasn't even my rule, Lisa. But his father..." Mrs. Kempton starts.
"It's fine," my mom laughs and cuts her off.
She puts her hand on Mrs. Kempton's arm. "It's fine, Sybil. I was just teasing you!"
I give her a grateful smile. She knows how to push her friend and then reel her back in.
"How about we golf?" Tank offers.
"Sure, sweetie. That will be fun," Mrs. Kempton agrees.
We head over to the ticket area for the mini-golf.
Right as we step up to the booth though, my mom takes a step and falls into Mrs Kempton.
"Oh! Ankle!" Mom yells and clutches Mrs. Kempton's arm with both hands.
"Oh, Lisa! Are you ok? What happened, honey?" Tank's mom takes the bait.
I know my mom's injury scream. This is not it. My mom has this horrific yell when she gets hurt or surprised. It's why my dad stopped pranking her years ago.
"Just need to sit down. That bench right there. Help me will you, Sybil? You boys go ahead and play. I need to sit." Mom makes a big show and it works. She doesn't let go of Mrs. Kempton.
They hobble over towards the bench and mom turns to flash me a tiny smile. Tank looks at me with his mouth agape.
"Did she just...." He asks.
"Did your mom fall for it?" I laugh.
"She's a nice lady and she idolizes your mom." Tank shrugs like he needs to defend his mom here.
"No... I know. I didn't mean that... Should we play?" I nudge him towards the golf ticket booth.
We get our putters and set sail on the high greens. As soon as we're out of their eyesight we pretty much forget about the game and just put balls while talking.
We're flirting and laughing and it feels like old times with us. I forget all about Evan until my phone buzzes in my pocket.
Evan and I have been texting kind of non-stop the last two days. He started it with a text as soon as I got home with dad from the LGBT group. It was light and playful at first, but then we started sending each other pictures.
The first few pictures were what we were eating or what shoes I had on. He mentioned he liked the vans I had on the night of the group and I sent him pictures of the rest of my collection. Then he sent back some of his.
Suddenly, though, it took a dirty turn. He sent a shirtless pic and for some stupid reason I replied with that emoji where the yellow guy's tongue is hanging out.
So thirsty! I know! Don't yell at me.
It was just my gut reaction and I regretted it instantly. That was the first shot and it broke the seal on us being more than friends. He demanded a shirtless pic of me and I was already in bed in my boxers so it went downhill from there.
Waking up the next morning I felt so guilty and stupid. I'd never done any kind of naked pictures with other guys. I hadn't shown him my dick or anything, but it had been pretty close. Everything felt so exciting with him.
He was out and loud and proud and not scared of anything. The fact that he had the most perfect face and somewhat bulging biceps didn't hurt either.
So back to the present. I'm here on hole 3 or 4 maybe, I've lost count. Tank hits his ball right as my phone buzzes. Thinking it was mom from her injury bench, I whip it out just as Tank lands a hole in one.
"Woah! Score!" I yell as the ball circles the hole and drops inside. I'm holding my phone but I forget about it momentarily.
"Oh is that your mom? Does she want us to go back?" Tank asks.
He doesn't even give me time to look at it. He is two steps away and quickly closes in as I raise it to my face. He peers over my shoulder as the message opens.
There, to my horror, is a picture of Evan sucking on a straw showing me the boba drink he is having right now at the boba spot in Scottsdale he'd told me he's obsessed with.
He's not just sucking on the straw, he is SUCKING on the straw and his eyes look like he's thirsty for much more than boba.
"Oh shit," I say and look over at Tank.
"Who's that?" he asks. There's so much hurt in those two words. His voice cracks and he puts his hand on my shoulder and my heart starts to pound in my ear.
I haven't even gone out with this guy. I haven't cheated on Tank, but the knife stab to my heart is quick and painful.
I drop my phone down to my side and look at Tank with guilt. There's this huge lump in my throat and I feel instantly like I've done something horrific and unforgivable.
I haven't! I really haven't! All I've been doing is texting Evan, but my look tells Tank much more than he needs to know.
"Oh...." Tank looks at me and his eyes are doubled in size. I can see the tears forming.
"No! No! It is not what you think! I went to this gay group and met this friend and he is just being funny. It's not like that," I say, but my voice sounds so desperate for him to believe me that he thinks it's total bullshit.
"It's cool. You moved on. I get it," he says. He takes his ball out of the hole and comes back towards me.
"It's not! I didn't! I swear!" I try to stop him.
"It's fine, Hayden. Let's go check on your mom. I'm kinda over this." Tank looks at me like I'm something he needs to scrape off his shoe. My stomach drops.
He starts to walk away and I feel this surge in my legs. I run to stop him and block his path.
"No! You don't get to walk away and be all hurt. You don't even know how much this has sucked for me. I waited at the movies. I went inside. I searched it like crazy looking for you. I sat outside and waited and waited! You don't get to be the one who walks away again!" I am pissed.
His anger vanishes and he drops his putter. His cheeks move up like he's going to cry, but then he shakes his head like he's pushing it off.
"It's not like that. I am so sorry. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be with you and I wanted to have a normal regular date night with the guy I love. I know this isn't wrong. I know there's nothing wrong about loving you." Tank reaches to take my hand. He slides his fingers between mine and grips my fist then pulls it to his chest.
"I want you too. My mom made me go to this gay kid group to meet new friends. I didn't mean to hurt you. I promise I haven't done anything with him. I was just so hurt and every time I open to the possibility of you I get hit in the face with a big steel door." I lean towards him.
I want to kiss him there. A family comes up behind us and plays through like we're not even there, like two boys in love is not even something to stop and watch.
I pull him into me and inhale his cologne. He puts his chin on my shoulder and I wrap my arms around him. Every good memory of him comes flooding back and I squeeze him as tight as I can.
"Please don't give up on me," he whispers.
I kiss his cheek and hold onto him. How could anyone ever give up on him.
"I'm not. I won't. I can't," I admit. I pull him to the side behind a tree and next to a dark stone wall. "I won't. I promise."
"They'll get over it. They'll calm down and soon we'll be seeing each other every day at school anyways! I promise you I'll make it worth it. Ok? Don't ditch me for some dude sucking boba like it's a dick." Tank sniffles against my shoulder.
"No boba dick," I repeat like it's a solemn vow.
We both laugh but none of this feels funny. My phone buzzes again in my pocket between us.
"Oh what is he sucking now?" Tank sounds annoyed but then adds a laugh.
"No," I say and whip out my phone. "It's my mom. She says your mom is coming. We better skip a few holes so she doesn't get the wrong idea of what we're doing."
Tank pulls away from me and grabs his putter. He holds out his other hand and I take it. We race around the family that passed us and get to hole 8. He forgot to grab his ball, but I spot one in a bush and dive for it.
"Ahh! The dreaded bush trap!" He yells right as Mrs. Kempton comes strolling over.
"Almost finished, boys?" she asks.
"Oh hi mom! Is Mrs. Davis feeling better?" Tank asks as though he's just spotted her.
"Yeah. I got her a lemonade. She is heading towards the car to rest it. How is it going?" She moves between us like a police investigator.
"Pretty bad. He keeps getting it in two putts or fewer. If it weren't for this bush, I'd be totally sunk," I tell her and smile.
"I'm glad you got to have a fun night. I know this seems silly having your moms tag along, but... you're both so young and we don't want you doing anything you'll both regret." She's digging for a reason other than their bigotry.
"Who wouldn't want to hang out with our moms," I say to assuage her guilt.
"Yeah. Moms are big this year!" Tank nods and winks at her.
"Last year was all about dads, but 2019 is pure mom," I agree and vigorously nod my head.
"Dads are so 2018," Tank backs me up.
"You boys," she laughs. "So silly."
She gives us an approving smile then checks her phone.
"It really is good to see you happy. I miss this smile," she says and puts her hand on Tank's cheek.
"Thanks, mom. This has been awesome." He reaches up near his face and covers his mom's hand with his own.
Her smile deepens and they hold that pose for a solid minute.
"I better go check on your mom, Hayden. You boys take your time. Ok? I'll go wait with her," She turns to me, puts her hand on my shoulder, and pats it like I'm not the evil gay kid trying to lead her good Mormon son astray.
We wait until she walks away and then Tank turns to me with his jaw dropped.
"That was epic! See? I told you! Dad will take some time, but... wow!" He lights up.
"She practically begged us to do some make out magic!" I joke but Tank shakes his head.
"We gotta be good here. She's happy. She'll work on my dad if we don't mess this up." Tank means business.
"Do you want to finish the course?" I ask. We kind of forgot about the whole golf thing.
"No." His face suddenly lights up. "I know a spot."
He pulls me over near where the waterpark is. It's night time and still packed over there, but he finds a hidden spot.
"This used to be our meetup place if we got lost when I was little. We'd set up our cooler here with the food and stuff," Tank says.
It's a picnic table back near the edge of the park. There's a high wall and we can hear the freeway buzzing behind it. This time of night it is dimly lit and no one is there.
"Ok we gotta set a timer. 7 minutes in heaven sound good?" He laughs.
"Seven minutes? Like the makeout game? I think they only do that on TV." I tell him this, but I don't care. I just want to be with him.
"I figure that is enough time until we need to head back to the car. Ok... and... start!" He sets his phone down and lunges for me.
He pushes me up against the wall and our lips begin a slow wrestle that goes from clumsy and desperate to slow and intense. I rub my hands over his bottom and squeeze it as he presses into me. His hands do the same to mine and it makes my skin feel electric.
Our bulges rub against each others and just as we're getting close his phone chirps behind us.
"Noooooo," I protest and don't want to let him go.
"Next time. Ok? You feel so good, Hayden." His voice sounds like it's dropped an octave and if he says one more word, my body will explode on him.
He pulls away first. We both look like we just ran a mile; our clothes are wrinkled and sweaty. He dives in for one last kiss and I try to grab for him, but he pulls away.
We walk the dark way to the cars and avoid contact so our shorts can settle down. He stops me just before we get to the edge of the parking lot.
"I love you," he says and kisses my cheek.
"I love you too," I tell him.
We find our moms sitting in my mom's SUV and listening to old music from high school. They completely lost track of time and look surprised to see us.
"You boys finished quick! Everything ok?" My mom turns down the music as Tank and I slide into the back seat.
"So fun," I say and meet her eyes in the rearview mirror. She smiles at me.
"Good, good. I guess we better head home. Thanks so much for staying with me, Sybil. I forgot how much fun we have together." She hugs Mrs. Kempton good night.
Tank and his mom get out. I should move up to the front seat with my mom, but instead I stay in the back. I thank her for all her efforts to get me some alone time.
"No problem, kid. I just hope things are better going forward. You'll make new friends in that group and you'll have kids who understand what you're going through when you need to talk about it." She drives me home as we listen to her music.
I get to bed that night and see more text messages from Evan. I ignore them. I don't send back a picture of me sucking on anything. I don't want to feel guilty anymore.