TWs: Mentions of Past Traumatic Experiences and Kidnapping
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They only had a few hours before detention with Professor Blavatnik started and they wasted no time. They had gone to their dorm where Remus had been forced to relate everything he had heard, remembered, seen, and suspected. It truly felt amazing to get, at least one of his many secrets, off his chest.
"You moron!" Sirius shouted again, and Remus still was surprised they all hadn't declared they wanted nothing to do with him. Not only had he been terrible this week, unable to do much of anything besides worry about the shadow man and his schoolwork, but he was now involving them in something very dangerous.
It took some convincing but they were able to make him realize they were still his friends and that oddly enough they weren't mad at him for being irritable the past week, but for not saying anything sooner.
"You don't get to play the hero!" Sirius had shouted as he continued pacing back and forth, twitching slightly in anger.
"YOU don't get to protect us! That's what all this had been about, hasn't it? Why didn't you say anything sooner?"
"Well...well I didn't want to get you involved in anything dangerous," Remus had protested only to be drowned out by complaints.
"Bollocks! The four of us are a team! We handle danger together!" James cried indignantly.
"That's right," Sirius repeated firmly.
Remus nodded because they expected him to, but he wasn't sure he had done the right thing. If one of them ended up in a coma, or worse, he'd never be able to forgive himself.
At least his friends were convinced he had been scared about Professor Blavatnik and only him. But Remus was more afraid of the shadow monster...of...of...Fenrir Greyback.
Dumbledore had talked to Remus a long time the night Lily had fetched the headmaster.
She hadn't gotten in trouble, but as soon as Remus had hinted his fear Dumbledore had excused her. Then he had told Remus the name of the monster that had plagued Remus' mind all these years.
"Fenrir Greyback. That's the name of the man who bit you, Remus. Calling him by his name gives you more power over him. He is not a monster, Remus. He is a man."
Remus had found the truth hard to swallow, found it almost impossible to say the name even in his mind. At the mention of Fenrir, something in his memories seemed to unlock and he knew with certainty that Dumbledore was right about who had bitten him, who had taken him.
"I don't know...don't know if I can, sir," he had admitted, fearing the name would make the monster, man, whatever he was, more alive.
"Always use the proper name for things, Remus. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."
Remus knew Dumbledore was wise, but that particular advice still seemed rather ludicrous to him. Dumbledore had assured him that Greyback wasn't in the castle nor had he ever been as Dumbledore had checked once informed of the matter by Remus. That they had checked for that terrified Remus because he didn't want to think that the shadow monster would ever come after him again.
He had asked Dumbledore what he thought had happened to him after he had finished recounting what he remembered. Dumbledore had pointed out that the full body curse reminded Remus of Greyback and that his brain probably filled in the missing pieces.
"Make no mistake, Mr. Lupin. Someone attacked you just like someone attacked Ms. Roong, and we will find out who."
Remus had felt a little reassured by that, but he kept thinking he'd run into Greyback, made worse by his persistent nightmares on the subject.
It didn't help. He realized Dumbledore knew, he knew!
Not just that Greback bit him, but that he had kidnapped Remus. Luckily he hadn't realized this until after Dumbledore left, for he now found it impossible to meet the headmaster's eyes.
How had he known about that? Was it more obvious than he had feared?
Needless to say, Remus' week had been one of the worst ever, which was kind of funny because it wasn't a week leading up to a full moon.
"Remus? You're zoning out again," Peter called, giving his arm a little shake. They were all looking at him again so he gave them a tense smile, hoping it didn't look too pitiful.
"Sorry."
"Ugh, quit apologizing," Sirius groaned.
"What are we going to do about detention?" James asked, redirecting them to what mattered. It took them a while but they eventually decided it would be best to play dumb until their detentions were over. They also discussed how to prove their professor was a part of this, which required breaking into his office, and finding the remains of the Bloodroot Potion the staff had discovered was what had been used to poison Renilo Roong.
"Sirius, how do you know if there will be any left?" Remus had asked in an attempt to stop such a stupid plan.
"Because the villains always leave evidence behind. That's what all the detective books I've read taught me," Sirius announced proudly, ignoring James' laugh.
Remus tried to get them to take this seriously, but he should have known only Peter would. Still, they all reached somewhat of a compromise to at least wait until detention was done, so Remus had time to think of something else.
Then they were walking to detention, and Remus hadn't completely caught up in school yet, and he also had to think of something to give Lily for her birthday. Then there was the fact they were walking into the office of the man who may have chased him off a tower.
When they got there their professor was waiting, the four desks in the same place they had been before. Same sheets of paper, same enchanted quill, same stern intimidating professor. Their professor stood in the middle of the room with his sharp accusatory eyes, his cane clutched tightly in his fist at a slight angle which would be ideal for smashing it into a student's unsuspecting face. Remus didn't think that was the intent behind the tense posture but...one could never be sure when it came to adults.
But something felt...different.
"Sit down boys, and we will begin," Professor Blavatnik barked impatiently, waving his other hand not clutching the cane, around the room towards the desks set out.
The other three went to their desks, but Remus just stood there, trying to figure out what was wrong. He looked around feeling a strange clenching feeling in his gut.
James and Sirius were gaping at him. This wasn't the plan, he should be following the plan. But Remus couldn't help it. All the hairs on the back of his neck were standing up, convincing him something just wasn't right.
"Professor...um..." Remus couldn't speak. His eyes were trained slightly behind the Professor where he occasionally saw the faintest flicker of movement. It wasn't easy to spot, someone had to tilt their head just right to see the ripples of unnatural movement. Professor Blavatnik was looking at him, surprised.
"What is it, Lupin?"
He felt foolish pointing out something that might or might not be there, so he said nothing just shook his head.
"Then sit down," he snapped and Remus obeyed quickly. They were given the same spiel as last time and then their professor left.
Remus's hand moved and he scratched out several lines before- the same exact lines from the last detention. And just like last time, he stopped quickly, unable to write anymore. But he didn't leave this time, something still feeling really off.
He looked around and found Sirius looking at him with a confused look on his face. In response, Sirius flicked his pinky twice: What's up?
Remus shook his head then touched his ring finger to his pointer finger three times. Later. James looked up and his mouth was hanging open.
You understand? He mouthed looking absolutely bewildered.
Remus nodded, feeling self-conscious. He only knew a very small bit of the secret language the trouble makers had created. James mouthed 'wow' and looked impressed.
Remus left his desk and walked over to where their professor had been standing. Once more the hair was standing up on the back of his neck. He crouched down, reaching down towards the floor, feeling the air hesitantly.
Suddenly Remus was holding a rather shoddy invisibility cloak in his hands. It took him a second to realize besides the knock-off invisibility cloak that's milky grey color matched the floor tiles perfectly, there was also a disillusionment charm camouflaging a handle on a trap door to blend into the floor. He looked at his friends. All of them stared at him with eyes wide as saucers, lines they were supposed to be writing completely forgotten.
Do it. Sirius and James were both signaling with their free hand that wasn't magically scribbling nonsense.
Remus looked away, feeling torn. With a trembling hand, he reached out and touched the cool wooden planks. His heart was in his throat as he slid the metal lock and lifted the trap door by the still disguised knob handle.
He couldn't see what was beneath besides pitch black darkness but he knew, he could smell it. He closed the trap door, covered it back up, and left the classroom without looking at his friends.
Remus ran through the halls, horrified. Everything felt small and suffocating and he rushed outside, staring at the night sky and shaking all over. He knew the smell of that place, of blood and urine and...and a wild feral rage that sent the hairs on the back of his neck standing up straight. He knew the smell because he had spent every night once a month in a similar small enclosed place for years and years. Either his professor was a werewolf or he was harboring one, and Remus was pretty sure who that werewolf was.
Either his professor was Greyback or he was helping him. Remus curled himself into a ball and cried.
Should he go to Dumbledore?
It was tempting but what if the headmaster already knew? How couldn't he? Maybe that's why he had been so insistent that Greyback was a man, not a monster.
Maybe Greyback had changed, or maybe Remus was being ridiculous. After hours of crying, he realized he didn't know enough and he wasn't about to ruin someone's life without being certain of what he was accusing, not when he personally knew the weight that accusation would have.
He convinced himself whoever the werewolf was it wasn't Greyback, that he was somewhere far away like Dumbledore had told him. But it was impossible to completely quiet that small voice of doubt which rang in his head like a warning bell. He had to just keep ignoring it, unsure if this was a wise decision or not.
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When Remus finally entered his dorm he let out a strangled cry as Sirius tackled him to the ground, his friend shaking badly.
"Where did you go?" James demanded, standing over them his arms wrapped tightly around his chest. Peter rushed over, his eyes and face red.
"What? What happened?" he asked, a rush of panic running through him as he finally convinced Sirius to let him go.
"Didn't you hear? Another student was poisoned!"
Remus felt himself go cold, "What?"
"Yeah, we thought it was you. Where the hell were you!" Sirius demanded, sounding like a nagging mother. Though Remus could tell this time it wasn't on purpose. He swallowed down his guilt.
"Sorry, I thought your detention would take a long time," Remus attempted lamely.
"Why did you run out like that?" Sirius continued.
"I thought I heard our professor coming and...I guess I panicked."
"What was down there?" Sirius asked sharply, gesturing wildly with his hands with impatient energy. "I didn't get a chance to check because Professor Blavatnik returned as soon as Peter and James finished up their lines at the same time. I took a bit longer but he just stood there not even letting me finish my lines. He just kicked us out of the classroom telling us to return immediately to our dorms as another student had been poisoned. He wouldn't tell us who had been poisoned," Sirius' fast explanation slowed down some, his voice sounding tight but the eager boy shook his head and went back to focusing on the topic at hand, "So what was it? What was down there?"
"Nothing, just some textbooks, and stuff," Remus shrugged, trying to sound indifferent.
"Then why was it hidden? With a second-rate invisibility cloak of all things!" Sirius cried in outrage.
"On top of a rather poor or faded disillusionment charm..." James added thoughtfully.
"How did you know it was there?" Sirius pressed, still fidgeting with anxious energy. Remus didn't want to think about how scared his friends must have been suspecting he had been poisoned otherwise he just might tell them the truth.
"How could you see something like that, Remus? We all tried to locate the spot once you left but couldn't see anything out of the ordinary." Peter pointed out.
"Yeah, how did you manage that?" James asked, sounding impressed. They all asked these questions in quick succession of one another, trying to speak at the same time in a jumble of words and a variety of emotions.
Remus' head was spinning from all the questions they were shooting at him.
"Please! I just want to go to bed!" he finally cried, and they all went quiet.
"...ok..." Peter said in a small voice.
"Goodnight," James mumbled in a friendly but disappointed tone. Sirius just crossed his arms over his chest, his glare pointedly directed at Remus without saying a word. Not that Sirius needed to since Remus could easily tell what the young Black was thinking. Remus could almost hear Sirius' bitter and rather scathing voice in his head, "you and your secrets."
He could tell his friends were angry at him but he didn't care. He laid down, wrapping himself extra tight in his blankets and fell asleep plagued by guilt and nightmares.
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Remus told himself he'd talk to Dumbledore if anything else happened with Professor Blatvnik. Deciding on this, he was able to calm down some. He also convinced James and Sirius to hold off on questions until after Lily's birthday which further helped in calming him down.
The next morning he dug through his trunk for something to give Lily knowing a dumb card he had gotten from an older student wouldn't suffice. When the best he found was an unused quill he had to prevent himself from crying out in frustration.
"Here."
Remus turned, only to have a book shoved in his face.
"Wh...what's this?" he asked, taking the book from Sirius. He still seemed upset with him and had a hesitant look about him.
"A book she will like. Just ...there's your present to her, alright?" Sirius grumbled sticking the book out while facing away from Remus with a scowl on his face.
Remus wanted to protest but Sirius' tone prevented him from doing so. "Thanks."
"Yeah, whatever. Just tomorrow actually talk to us, ok? You aren't the only one freaked out by all of this," he muttered to himself. Remus frowned and nodded, tucking the book into his bag.
"I'm sorry."
"For what, Remus?" Sirius asked, suddenly sounding angry, and Remus flinched, staring down into his bag.
"For not being a very good friend..." he whispered, feeling tears sting his eyes again. There was a long silence and when Remus looked up, Sirius was gone.
His chest clenched painfully and Remus spent a long time getting his bag ready in order to hide his tears. James and Peter were a little less upset with him, but only by a little bit as he found out at breakfast. After trying to talk to them only to be ignored, he bit his lip and went to sit with Lily. At least she wasn't mad at him.
"Happy Birthday," he said, sitting on the edge of her group of friends, all the girls from her dorm which she now got along with. Quite opposite from Remus, really. The girls grinned at Remus and Dorcas waved while Marlene lent in and whispered something to the other girl...Mary, who elbowed her in response. It was a relief that none of the girls seemed too bothered by Remus' intrusion into their space, and of course, Lily was delighted as always to see him, which was probably why the other girls seemed comfortable with him too. Remus knew from experience if any other boy attempted to sit next to the girls, even on the outskirts as he was trying to do in order to respectfully give them space, it would have ended much differently.
Lily's excitement set the tone and she slid herself down the bench to wrap Remus in a warm hug that made his face go red since all the other girls looked extremely amused at this for some reason.
"Um...here..." Remus stammered awkwardly, shoving the poorly charmed birthday card that sang an off-key version of happy birthday that made Remus wince. The enchanted card had sounded better when he had first purchased it from one of the older students but that was before he had accidentally set his mug of tea on the card when he had risen at the crack of dawn. Remus let out a sigh but he needn't have worried as Lily was the kindest person he knew and she genuinely seemed to love the card.
"Oh thank you, Remus! Have you caught up with your studies?" Lily asked, beaming at him brightly.
"I will be by the end of today," he assured her with a small smile. After breakfast, in which he had found out he got along with all of Lily's roommates, he was feeling a bit better. They even invited him to their small little party they were having.
They giggled a lot and shot each other looks which he didn't understand but he told them he'd come as long as it was small.
"I guess I can give you your present then," he pointed out to Lily, who grinned.
"You didn't have to get me anything! You already made that wonderful scarf for me!"
"That was for Christmas." He found himself laughing, which had seemed quite foreign to him lately. Then they got on the topic of Remus' knitting and he felt quite embarrassed but in a good way. By the end of the conversation, he had promised the girls that he'd make the rest of the girls' scarves.
He left the table, vaguely wondering what on earth he had gotten himself into.
True to his word he was caught up on his studies by the time night rolled around. He found Lily and her roommates after dinner and they walked around outside, just talking. Then surprisingly enough Dorcas knew how to sneak into the kitchen and they had cake and drank pumpkin juice in celebration.
Remus was ecstatic to tell his roommates about the secret passage into the kitchens, before remembering they were mad at him. This upset him once more, made worse by the fact Lily loved the present that was given to him to give to her by Sirius. The girls were talking about playing a game of Gobstones but Remus ducked out early.
He was sure to apologize, but they didn't seem to mind. Lily looked a little disappointed but she understood as he told her he really needed to get some sleep after all the all-nighters he spent catching up.
So Remus headed to his dorm to find his roommates playing a much rougher game of Gobstones which seemed to have dissolved into them just chucking the flagstones around, nearly breaking their dorm windows. Remus tried to smile. It looked like fun, in the sort of boyish daring way he'd come to enjoy. But as soon as the door opened they all stopped what they were doing, cast each other a look, and crawled into their respective beds.
So Remus got ready for bed, trying just to be thankful for the fact they at least weren't pranking him anymore and fell asleep, yet again, with a heavy heart.