❝If I die young bury me in satin. Lay me down on a bed of roses. Sink me in the river at dawn.❞
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MAVIS
The circumstances under which Jessamine and I met were weird, to say the least. I punched a scrawny boy who thought it was hot to harass girls who liked to smoke and it didn't settle well with me. We understood each other, I knew what she had gone through and she had an inkling of what I went through.
Because of this, we clicked. She was one of the few people I liked, and even more respected. She knew what she wanted and did everything in her power to go after it. Some people would call her selfish but I saw it as determination. Maybe we connected because coming from a broken family myself, I could see how every shitty thing that happens to you could affect you. Some people let it make them but we let it break us, and that's what I saw in Jessamine Lockhart, a broken girl, who craved attention.
Sure, Audrey came from a broken home herself, but she didn't understand the pain of rejection. She didn't understand how much it affects you when your family gives up on you. She still had her father, even if he was 6000 miles away from her. He still wanted her.
Taking all of this into account, I wasn't the least bit surprised when she called me to accompany her to the visit to the prison instead of Audrey.
Not even a little bit.
***
JESSAMINE
I enter the empty room with Mavis ambling after me. A guard positions himself in the corner of the room, his hands behind his back and adopts a threatening stance. Mavis starts to say something when I shake my head. This is not the time or place. She pouts, expressing her childlike grief. We sit down on the metal chairs provided to us and wait.
It's a few seconds before someone shuffles into the room. My gaze meets my mothers' unwavering one. The first thought that pops into my mind is that she looks frail. Her skin is deathly pale, while her luscious blonde locks are now brittle and dry. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm happy to see her like this. Finally, she's gotten what she deserves. What about you? What do you deserve? I squash the irritating voice at the back of my mind and focus on my mother.
"Hello Jessamine, it's so nice to see you. You look good, did you change your shampoo or-"
"Let's get to the point. I know you didn't call me here to discuss my shampoo. Frankly, I'm a little perturbed by the fact that you did think of me," I spat. My mother chews on the inside of her cheek before looking back at the guard who brought her in. She gives the guard a questioning glance who nods in response.
I'm unsettled by the whole situation. I know she wants to tell me something, I just have to find out what it is and then hopefully, I won't ever have to come back. I won't ever have to look into the same blue eyes which caused me so much pain, which shattered my self-confidence, which reminded me every single day just how worthless I am. "What is it?"
She tries to grab my hand but I instinctively pull it back, and the guard steps forward. "No contact."
My mother looks down at the steel table, and when she lifts her head, she has this helpless look in her eyes. "I'm dying, Jessamine." It's like someone has thrown a bucket of ice-cold water all over me but most of all I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Should I be overjoyed that once and for all, I'll be rid of her? Should I be sad that I'll never know what it feels like to have a mother? To have that unconditional love provided to me which only a mother can give?
I know she's made some very horrible mistakes. But looking at her now, to see that scared look reflected at me, I can only feel sympathy. "The breast cancer's terminal now, it can't be cured. But there are two more things I wanted to tell you." Mavis's hand clasps mine to provide emotional support and I'm so thankful for the fact that I brought someone. "I was also diagnosed with depression, which explains at least half of the things I've done."
I can't believe it. Not only had I inherited my depression from my mother, but I had also followed the same path of destruction as her and it lead her here; alone and dying, hated by everyone she once loved. Was this my future? God, I hoped not. I had to change. I didn't want to end up like her. Wait, she said two more things. What's the other?
"Don't tell me," I whisper. She gives me a pitiful look and tears start streaming down her face.
"I'm so sorry, the doctors warned when I was pregnant with you but I wanted you so much that I didn't care. I hoped so much that you wouldn't have it but there's a high chance that you'll develop it later on because of the genetic mutation you were born with."
Mavis glances at me, utterly confused. "What will she develop?"
"Hereditary Ovarian Cancer."
I can feel the walls closing in around me, it's getting harder to breathe. I close my eyes and focus on the happy memories, try to even my breathing. Maybe it's just a nightmare and I'll wake up in my apartment surrounded by the people I love. I know what you're thinking, I should be happy. I wanted to die, right? Sure, I wanted to but that's just it, I wanted to because I couldn't find a reason to but now that I'm giving life a chance this shit happens.
Maybe I'm meant to die. Maybe after all the things I've done, this is the universe taking its revenge. It's reminding me that my actions did indeed have consequences and now I have to bear it.
"I'm so sorry," my mother repeats. I lift my head to see her bawling and repeating how sorry she is.
I take a deep breath, clearing my mind before replying, "I forgive you."
Her mood instantly changes from gloomy to cheerful. "I knew you would forgive me, after all, I'm your mother, how could-"
"It's not for you." That shuts her up. "It's for me. I'm tired of holding this grudge, it's making me ugly from the inside. I hate myself because of what it's doing to me. Also, how can I expect people to forgive me when I can't do the same? And that is why mother," I get up from the seat and Mavis follows. "I forgive you for abusing me, I forgive you for blaming me for Jackson's death, I forgive you for treating me like shit, I forgive you for giving me this cancer even though it's not your fault but most of all I forgive you for not being there for me, for not being the mother I wanted, I needed."
My voice has raised a few octaves and I'm trying my hardest to keep the tears at bay but I don't care, I just need to get it all out. Who knows when I'll get another chance. "I was your daughter, why wasn't that enough for you? Why wasn't I enough for you?" Heaving a sigh, I let my anger pass before continuing. "I may not be the best person but in the future, if I ever have a child, I'll try to be the best mother and you know how I'm going to achieve that?" My mother stares at me, silence lingers in the room. I don't care that the guards are getting a show at this point, this was a long time coming. "I'm going to avoid doing everything you did to me."
I walk to the exit with Mavis trailing after me. I forgot she was here. I pause for a second, the only sound echoing in the room are my mother's sobs. "Goodbye mother, I hope you live a good life or at least what's left of it."
***
(16th April, 2019)
"Are you sure you don't want to tell anyone?" Mavis asks me for the thousandth time. We're currently sitting, waiting for the doctor to come back with the results. I'm just double-checking to make sure my mother said was true and although I don't want to believe it, some part of me knows it's true.
"I'm sure." She opens her mouth, ready to argue. "Pretty soon we'll be going our separate ways for college and after that, all of you will forget me. Trust me, it's better this way because this way there's no unnecessary drama."
"You're going out of the country for college?"
Dammit, I forgot that I didn't tell anyone. Me and my big mouth. Thankfully, the doctor enters the room at that very second, interrupting our conversation. His facial expression tells me everything I need to know. I look at Mavis frowning at me and I plaster on a smile. "Just like I predicted, it's bad news. You do have a 50%-85% chance of developing the cancer later on in life but fortunately, it can be cured." I fiddle with my fingers, there has to be a but in there somewhere. Good news is always accompanied by bad news. That's just how life is.
"But?" I implore.
"But," the doctor continues, "You'll need to have your ovary and Fallopian Tube removed. You can still have children but there's a big risk, they could also have it, as it is genetic."
Mavis wordlessly offers her hand and I gratefully accept it.
Even if I do have children in the future, what's the point? What if they do end up having the same mutation? Could I really put them in the same position as I am? Where you would have to live with this uncertainty.
"I'll give you a moment."
As soon as he's left, I collapse into Mavis's inviting arms.
***
"I'll be back, I'm going to call my aunt and let her know I'll be late today," Mavis tells and waits for me to respond. I nod and she leaves after she's satisfied with my answer.
I stare at the egg-washed wallpaper covering the room, my thoughts consuming every part of me, drowning me till I'm left to think about nothing but my pain. I grab my bag and rummage through it, finding my anti-depressant pills. I unscrew the bottle and pop the required amount into my mouth. The confines of the room are making me go dizzy, I need air.
With that thought in mind, I depart from the room and make my way to the front garden. Inhaling the air, my thoughts settle down, they are still there but somehow it's quieter now. I sit down on the cold marble bench.
"Are you here to terrorize the patients?"
I turn around to find Hailey suspiciously looking at me. Great, just what I needed. "I don't have the energy for your shit today." I don't hear her say anything for a few minutes and I think for once, she's listened to me but I'm proven wrong when I hear her footsteps come close to me and she sits down on the bench next to me.
"Want to talk about it? I've been told I'm a great listener."
My head snaps to look at her and her sincere gaze meets mine. "Why would you want to listen to me? Don't you hate me?"
She casts her eyes forward. "I did but then I realized that this all petty high school drama. 10 years from now, we'll regret our actions. So, I'm choosing to extend an olive branch now so that I don't have regrets in the future. Also, I don't hate you. I was just jealous of you."
I'm shocked, to say the least, I never thought this would happen. Maybe it's a good thing, all this drama was getting old and she's right, I don't want to die one day without rectifying my actions. "You were jealous of me? I was jealous of you."
Now it's her turn to be astounded. "Me? Plain old me? That's a shocker. I never thought the girl who has everything would be jealous of me."
"Not everything," I whisper so low, hoping she wouldn't catch it but she does.
"You do. You've got the looks, money and not to mention guys practically fall at your feet," she whisper-yells. All materialistic things.
"Yeah well, just like you said they only want me for sex. Girls like you are what guys want for marriage; not girls like me and none of that matters when you don't have the most important thing."
She cringes when she remembers her words. "What is that?"
"Love."
Hailey lets out a giggle. I narrow my eyes at her, I thought we were having a serious conversation. "I'm sorry but you are really oblivious."
My eyebrow twitched in frustration. "What did you say?"
"You do have love, you just don't see it." Then she gets up and walks to the hallway but not before leaving me with these parting words, "Also, Alex told me to make amends with you."
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All the medical mumbo jumbo used in this chapter may be incorrect but I tried my best to research and if it's not right well, it's a good thing this book is a teen fiction or you could point it out and I'll do my best to correct it. :p
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