A young lady stands in her bedroom. It just so happens that today, The 20th of February, 2011, is the launch of a highly exclusive experience for a much anticipated game. The young lady is expecting to find this game delivered to her today. She is expecting the game to be enclosed in a pair of envelopes, and printed on these envelopes, she is expecting to find her name!
What do you suppose the name on the envelopes will be?
>Enter Name.
What? You can not enter her name! It has already been decided long ago, and engraved on her HONORARY PLACRONYM on her 13th birthday, which was about 2 years ago! It has been sitting right here ever since. Attempting to engrave it with another name after completing this sacred rite of passage is practically unheard of, and is a gesture nearly as offensive as it would be if you tried to name her something dumb like Bogstench Fishface. Luckily she is not the sort to hold a grudge, and she will let it slide this time. As long as you hurry up and get her big day started!
>Examine Room
Your name is FEFERI CROCKER. As was previously mentioned, you are poised for an ELITE OPPORTUNITY to test the SBURB ALPHA. It is so elite in fact, you are the only of your kind invited to playtest! Though you guess that probably comes with the territory of being the HEIRESS APPARENT TO A BAKED GOODS EMPIRE. You don't suppose it hurts that you are said empire's NUMBER ONE FANGIRL, either! It should come as no surprise that you enjoy BAKING, but you also adore reading FANTASY STORIES. You once dabbled in AMATEUR BOTANY but found it TOO FRUSTRATING, because your VEGETABLES KEPT DISAP-actually you know what, you DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. You are also pleased to contemplate FRIGHTENING FAUNA, though saddened by their regrettable FAKENESS ATTRIBUTE.
But none of that's on your mind now, because you are PSYCHED about this SPECIAL DATE, 11.11.11, i.e. 2X3PRONG DAY (WHATEVER THAT MEANS), a date exhibiting just the sort of numerical gimmick corporations love to exploit for their big releases, or for launching MAJOR REBRANDING INITIATIVES. In the case of your CHERISHED MULTIGLOBAL EMPIRE, both such events are slated to happen today. You can't wait to see what is in store, and for the mail to come. When it does, you will waste no time in embarking on the game's MAIDEN VOYAGE, and if even a fraction of what you've heard turns out to be true, you are prepared to have the time of your LIF------------E!!!
What will you do?
Feferi: Quickly retrieve arms from desk.
Feferi is not empowered to rehash this tired running gag because all of a sudden she is too busy being the other guy.
We need to figure out what this guy's name is, pronto!
>Enter Name
Once again, you make the incalculable blunder of attempting to engrave an already allocated placronym. His name was etched when he turned 13 too, almost 2 years ago. It's been sitting here messily in this UNBELIEVABLY DEADLY PILE OF GUNS ever since. What sort of vulgar, childish idiot were you going to stick this poor bastard with? Capedouche Turdsmirk? It doesn't even matter. Just tell him what to do!
>Examine Room
Your name is ERIDAN ENGLISH. You love movies. ALL MOVIES.You would describe your taste in film as ECLECTIC, but in truth, it isn't much less than TOTALLY INDISCRIMINATE. You brag frequently of exuberance for FIREARMS FROM AROUND THE WORLD and ADVENTURE, though have no human company with which to share these interests. But who needs chums, when you can enjoy a top notch gander of your WIZARDS of QUESTIONABLE EXISTANCE. You're known to be found with your nose in a BOOK OR TWO, not that it makes you a nerd or anything, like you even CARE about that! Not a gent of your NOBLE STANDING, something which you would FLAUNT WITH APLOMB on your globe-spanning adventures, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING. You would love to travel around the world, documenting any SACRED ARTIFACTS you encountered. You'd be enraptured by the opportunity to explore HALLOWED TOMBS everywhere, raiding them of their treasures. And how you'd give your RIGHT LEG for a shot at desecrating THE SHIT out of some real life MYSTIC RUINS for their byzantine wares. Luckily for your limb, there is a dandy set of such ruins nearby, and you desecrate them quite frequently! You are also troubled to contemplate FRIGHTENING FAUNA, and plagued daily by their regrettable REALNESS ATTRIBUTE.
What else? SKULLS. Gosh you love SKULLS. There is a good SKULL at the heart of any mystery, haunting its EVERY PAGE. That is what you always say. Or at least, it is what you always HOPE.
What will you do?
>Eridan: Retrieve Firearms from floor, post-haste!
You reach for your LEGENDARILY AWESOME FIREARM, doing your part to assail the mushy carcass of a horse that passed away long ago, when suddenly a WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN APPROACHES!!!!!!!!!!
You really feel like you are in the driver's seat now. You can basically take this story LITERALLY ANYWHERE, as long as you pick characters we already know, and as long as the chapters are actually finished being written. It is like this whole panoramic cornucopia of limitless possibility sprawling before your very eyes.
Who do you want to be?
>Be Feferi
>Be Eridan