I didn't know what was going on with Vic and I. He held my hand for so long, playing with my fingers and delicately rubbing his thumb along the soft surface of my skin. I didn't know what to think of it. It was calming, and peaceful, but at the same time my chest was tightening and I had the profound feeling of being homesick, but it wasn't exactly that. I couldn't quite decipher what that feeling was.
"You missed lunch. I have to stop letting you skip meals," he said.
"It's okay, I'm not hungry," I told him. More than anything I was simply content to be laying here on the ground with him. I didn't think I could feel this free in a place like this.
"You're talking to me more," He commented. Was I? I guess that over time I was becoming more comfortable with him. After all, we were holding hands, but I didn't know what that meant.
"We should probably go back inside before someone notices that we've been gone for too long," he said. The way he spoke was slow, dreamy even. That was just the atmosphere out here. It was like a completely different world.
He sat up but didn't let go of my hand. He looked down at me with that usual friendly, soothing look. With a smile on his face he stood up and kept holding one hand while reaching out for the other. I hesitated before taking it and he pulled me up to his level. My chest knocked against his as I lost my balance and my heart leapt into my throat. I was nervous. I shouldn't be feeling nervous. Up until now, always thought of Vic as a friend, or a companion, but then he held my hand and for the first time I saw him in a different light. I found him attractive, desirable even. That's not to say those thoughts would lead to anything, because they were just thoughts in this one moment. I was confused. Maybe it was just the nice moment that had me suddenly see Vic like that. I quickly dropped my hands and walked off, trying to think of an excuse to get away from him so I could clear my head.
—-
Later that night I was a mess, and I wasn't even sure what triggered it. There was just a lot going on in my head from a lot of different places. So much had happened today and I think watching that boy try and kill himself really hit close to home and it wasn't until I was lying in bed that I really let the emotions get to me.
It was always night time when my darkest thoughts came out to play. Maybe it was the silence leaving me alone to the depths of my mind, or maybe it was opening my eyes and seeing nothing but emptiness that reminded me of myself.
It was hard to keep things in on this particular night. I could try all I wanted to be okay, to pretend that what's going on in my head wasn't that bad, but I couldn't, because that wouldn't be honest. Maybe it would have been easier to just pretend. That would mean that I would have been let out of here, but I knew that I would have cracked eventually. No one can pretend to be happy forever, so I never tried. I never pretended. I didn't see a point to it.
I felt so alone in here. No one knew who I really was. They could make assumptions about me. Everyone could, but they didn't know what was going on inside. They didn't know how much I was hurting and maybe it would be better if I let it out, but they were my thoughts, not theirs. They're my problems. I am the one who has to deal with them and they couldn't help me with them, could they?
These thoughts wouldn't leave my head. They were suffocating. I was curled on my side with tears streaming down my face. I felt sick, like the air was gone from my lungs. I felt anxious. My throat was tightening and the sobbing was starting to hurt. It was hard to breathe. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't push the suicidal thoughts from my mind. It was like an addiction. I was addicted to feeding the pain and I wished that I had the strength to walk away from it, but I didn't. It's like I wanted it to get worse before it got better, if it got better. If I hit rock bottom, if I stayed on rock bottom then it wouldn't get any worse from there. There would be nowhere to go but up, or I could stay there and get used to the pain until I decided to end it.
Sometimes I felt so stupid when I thought about what I did. I wanted to erase everything that's happened over the past couple of weeks and just start over, but I couldn't. Everything was still just there. The memories. The thoughts. The feelings. I couldn't shake it. When I thought the crying stopped, I would search my memory bank for more things to make me cry, and they all led back to Matty.
I would remember how happy he made me feel and all of the good times we had with each other. I would think about all of the conversations we had together where he told me how much he cared about me and loved me. I would think back to when we were planning our future and how excited I was for it, but then I would think about how it was all a lie. I felt duped. Cheated. Fooled. You name it, I felt it. I knew that if all of these emotions weren't flooding my system then I would probably see how ridiculous it was to feel this way about the destruction of a relationship, but in this very moment, laying by myself in my cold room, alone, with tears running down my cheeks, I just couldn't see anything logically. Logic didn't matter. "It's not that bad" didn't matter.
People I know, whether it be my parents, or doctors, would always give me words of endearment, encouragement. They tell me they love me. They tell me not to be sad. They tell me how I didn't deserve to feel this way, but I found no comfort out of those words. I shut them out because it's like the opinion of all of these people instantly got knocked back because of how sad I was. I couldn't bring myself to take on board anything that they said. The bad thoughts always, without a doubt, wouldn't let me accept the positive things people would say. I could get a million "stay alives" from everyone around me, and one "kill yourself" from myself, and I would do nothing but dwell on the latter.
My crying was dying own after how long? A few minutes? An hour? I couldn't tell. What came next after the crying? It does stop. It stops but the pain is still there. My body felt numb and my head hurt. My heart ached. I felt like I would start up again at any second, but I didn't.
There was a sense of calmness over me now, but I couldn't relax because I was scared. I was scared of the next time this would happen. I was scared of something, anything, jumping out of nowhere and triggering me into having a crying episode all over again. I just wanted my feelings, my heart, to be turned off and left alone forever. I wanted to be gone because then it wouldn't hurt.
What was I supposed to do now? Go through the motions? Try and sleep? I was tired. I was really tired. At least I had stopped crying and my breathing was going back to normal. Maybe I felt envious of the boy who tried to kill himself today. I wanted to do what he did, but of course I wanted to succeed. If I had succeeded then I wouldn't be on this bed crying right now. Why couldn't they all see that that's why I wanted to kill myself? I wanted to stop feeling like everything was wrong.
The other thing wrong with me was my complete and utter confusion about Vic. I felt something different for him today. I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me. He held my hand and I was mistaking it for something more. It was much too soon to have feelings for someone. Vic is an amazing human being. I hadn't ever met someone with such a kind and genuine soul.
There was a nagging voice in the back of my head questioning whether I was actually starting to like him though. It would make sense, sort of. He was the person I was closest to in here, but then again it wouldn't make sense because I shouldn't be feeling these things. It was like I wasn't allowed. He was so sweet to me though.
I sat up a little and slipped my hand into the pillow case. I stretched my fingers out until I felt the paper hidden away. I pulled out the blue iris that Vic had given me. I couldn't see it in the darkness, but I could feel it. I knew it was still perfect even though it now had many imperfections after being confined between the pillow, the case and the mattress.
I had to hide it because I didn't know if it would get taken away from me for whatever reason. They seemed to leave us with little to nothing in here. Everything was a danger to them and I was sure they would find some sort of danger in the paper flower. I didn't see anything wrong with it though. I found comfort in it. Sometimes I would just stare at it, contemplating everything going on in my mind, just like I was now.
It was really nice of Vic to give me this, and maybe that was why I was having confused feelings, because he was nice. I thought back to my ex-boyfriend and if he ever did anything sweet like this for me, and I concluded that he had. He had his sweet moments, although sometimes they didn't feel genuine, but he still tried. He had been perfect for me until he just wasn't.
I was lost to my thoughts for the rest of the night until sleep finally saved me.
—-
The next morning I woke up and went to breakfast without Vic's company. Sometimes he didn't show up until a little later in the day, either just before therapy or around lunch time, then he's here until around the time I go off to bed. Other times it's the opposite and he's here when I wake up until sometime in the afternoon. I preferred when he was here into the night though because I liked having the company before I went to bed. It meant my thoughts wouldn't be so focused on the depression, and instead would be focused on whatever nonsense that came out of his mouth.
I stayed in the dining hall a long time after breakfast ended. I was waiting for Vic, sort of. I didn't know if I wanted to talk to him right now or even be around him. The thought of him made me nervous. It never used to. I wished he hadn't held my hand, then I wouldn't have been having these thoughts.
I eventually saw him walking along the hall through the windows. My hands were clasped together and I felt the sweat coming through them. My breathing shortened. He, as normal, saw me. He smiled brightly, just like every other day, and I stayed in my spot like usual as he made his way to me.
"Good morning," he said cheerfully. I gave him a half-hearted smile. He sat next to me, not doing anything different to what he would usually do, but this time I was so aware of his closeness in proximity.
"How are you this morning? It's a nice day today. Maybe we can hang out outside for a while again," he suggested. I panicked.
"Don't you have other things to do here?" I asked. His smile faltered and he looked confused. He was like a puppy dog and I accidentally stood on his foot or something. I regretting blurting that out.
"Um, well yeah, I guess I could. I mean, I don't really have any legitimate tasks that I'm supposed to do during my work day. I'm really just here to help out with whatever people need help with and I just...I mean, yeah, I can do something else if you want," he said quickly. He was rambling. It was very rare to see a side of him that wasn't happy, and right now I was getting disappointment. I felt so bad.
"Uh, no, no what I meant was, I just don't want to get in the way of you doing other things here," I told him in uncertainty. It was a lie. I was just scared to be alone with him because of these feelings manifesting in me. He narrowed his eyes, still looking a little confused.
"You're a terrible liar," he said, but then he smiled, "It's cool if you want me to leave you alone for awhile. I know I have a very full on personality sometimes so if you need a break from me then I can find something else to do. Sorry if I do get a bit smothering. I just kind of, I don't know, I guess I like hanging with you."
I felt horrible. He was such a sweet guy, and when he said that he would find something else to do other than hang out with me, I felt myself not wanting that in the slightest. He was keeping me sane in here. Yes, I was confused about what I felt yesterday but I didn't want to hurt such a nice guy.
"I like hanging out with you too. Forget I said anything," I told him. He gave me a skeptical look.
"Okay..." He trailed off. Now it was awkward. I glanced up at the clock. It was a quarter to ten.
"I have to go to Carlile' office now." I said.
"Right, of course you do. I knew that. I just wanted to say hi before you went in there," he said. I nodded slowly then stood up, letting my chair screech back on the floor.
"See you later," I said. He smiled brightly and I left him there.
I exhaled deeply. That was a painful conversation. It was awkward. I knew these confused feelings would end up affecting how I was around him. I didn't know how to stop this. It wasn't right of me to have these thoughts, especially in this place. The thoughts were still on my mind when I got to Carlile's office. Although I was early, I still knocked on his door just in case.
"Come in," he called out. I twisted the door knob and pushed the door open. He looked up and saw me there. His face mixed into one of surprise and confusion.
"You're here early. That's a nice surprise," he said. I didn't say or do anything. He gestured to the chair across from him.
"Luckily I don't have anyone right now so take a sea," he said, so I did, "Is there a particular reason you're here early? Or are you not going to speak like usual?"
Just like every other time, there was nothing but silence coming from myself, and just like always, Carlile sighed and leant back in his chair, waiting for something to happen. This must have been frustrating for him, but he could end it by letting me leave if he wanted to, but he didn't.
My mind shifted back to Vic. It made me feel anxious not knowing what to do about the whole situation. I literally had no clue. I looked at the doctor. He was a professional, right? He was supposed to know how the mind works and he was supposed to help people through how they felt. I gnawed on my bottom lip. My lips parted slightly, like I wanted to talk but was too scared to. I had been quiet for so long that it was difficult to speak up. I decided to make a deal with myself. I would ask one question, just one thing, and see what he has to say, and say nothing more.
"I feel like..." I paused. Doctor Carlile' eyebrows raised in curiosity. I took a deep breath and continued, "I feel like I should be feeling one way but I'm starting to feel another and I don't know if that's okay."
"Are these feelings progressing you in a positive direction?" he asked. I didn't know, so I shrugged.
"Well, any feeling that is different to how you felt on the night you tried to kill yourself is a good thing," he concluded. I guess that feeling something different is good, maybe. He kept going, "Anything different to the numbness or hopelessness or depression that you may have been feeling is good for you."
I nodded slowly. So far he was making sense. I wasn't quite sure though. I was here because I tried to kill myself because I felt like I was left with nothing after Matty left me, but now here I was developing confused feelings for another guy and that wasn't okay. I couldn't be heartbroken but interested in someone else at the same time. That just wasn't right, but there was this little spark with Vic that I was finding harder and harder to ignore.
"Do you want to tell me what you're talking about here?" he asked. I shook my head and looked down at my lap, and that was the end of the conversation.