"Hello? Earth to Nat! Are you even paying attention?"
Nikki's voice shook me from my daze. I shook my head and blinked a few times, letting my eyes adjust to the bright fluorescent lighting of the Free People store. A sweet lavender and vanilla scent wafted through the air, and it was enough to put me to a sleep that I desperately needed. I rubbed at my tired eyes, feeling my head sit heavy on my neck. The image of Brooklyn's plastic bag of little pills flashed in my mind every time I tried to close my eyes, and my stomach ached even thinking about it. It had me tossing and turning for the past few days, my head swimming like a small boat lost at sea.
"Do you like this or not?" Nikki waved a mustard yellow sundress in my face, embroidered with flowers.
"Um, no," I scrunched my nose in distaste. "I think that would look better on you."
Nikki frowned and tossed the dress back on a rack. "We're supposed to be shopping for you remember? You're the one who needs more cute clothes."
"I'm fine, I can just borrow your clothes," I scoffed as she shuffled through racks of more dresses, occasionally picking one up only to put it back on the rack.
"No, you need your own clothes, so you can look good for your boyfriend," Nikki said with a nonchalant shrug. She pursed her lips and waited for my response. After a moment of my silence, she groaned and shoved my arm.
"Come on, you've barely told me anything about what's going on with you and the tall guy," she prodded. It was like she saw right through me, as if I was made of glass and all of the bad was on full display for her.
I huffed in annoyance. "We had a nice time this weekend. He took me for tacos one night, and we ate dinner at his house with his parents. That's all."
I felt words I couldn't say well up in my throat, and they stung hard as they scratched against my insides. I wanted to tell Nikki that he took me to a secluded beach to watch the sunset, and that the way he held me set fire to my insides, and that he smiled at me with his gleaming white teeth like I was the only person in the room. Like I was the only person that even mattered.
But something so small - six little blue pills no bigger than my pinky nail - loomed large and dark over my head, like dark clouds about to unleash a hurricane.
"Natalie!" Nikki snapped again, causing me to drop the dress I had just picked off the rack. "What is your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," I said as I picked up the dress with trembling hands. "I'm fine. Everything's fine."
I kept it all in, realized exposing the good also meant exposing the bad. It was better to just pretend none of it had happened at all. For both of our sakes.
"Fine," Nikki groaned. "I need you to focus. I refuse to leave this store with nothing."
"Okay, so then you get a dress," I quipped. "And I'll borrow it later."
After a beat, we laughed at each other. I finally studied the dress I had pulled from the rack. It was floor-length and had long sleeves, but almost the entire dress was a sheer nude, completely covered by intricate blue lace. It felt like almost nothing in my hands.
"Wow," Nikki chirped. "Okay, you have to get that. I think you'd give Brooklyn a heart attack in that dress. "
I bit down on my lip hard. I felt dizzy and was just about ready to unravel everything to Nikki in the middle of our shopping trip when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
BROOKLYN: Nat please talk to me.
BROOKLYN: I'm begging you.
BROOKLYN: I'll do anything.
I scowled, quickly hitting "delete" and shoving my phone back in my pocket. Every few hours it had been another desperate plea from him, and despite the cracking I felt in my heart, I had ignored every single one of them. The day after dinner at his house, he had called me 15 times, but gave up and resorted to texting when I refused to answer. I couldn't figure out if I was sad, frustrated, angry, or some sickening combination of the three. I rubbed at my eyes again to dissipate the stinging I felt from holding back tears.
"You should get that dress," Nikki piped up. I looked down and realized I was still clutching the long dress tightly in my hands.
I ran my fingers over the lacy navy fabric again. It felt new and exciting - things I was desperate to feel. "I think I will."
Nikki retreated to her bedroom when we returned home with several shopping bags in hand, claiming she was exhausted and needed a nap.
I sighed and felt a pang of remorse radiate through me. It was easy to let Brooklyn's turmoil and shortcomings overshadow everything else in my life, but realizing I used it to forget how sick Nikki was sometimes made me feel ill.
I laid back on my bed and squeezed my eyes shut. An image of Brooklyn's guilt-stricken face flashed in front of me, his cheeks blotchy and his eyes glassy, and my eyes shot back open. My phone buzzed against my hip.
BROOKLYN: I'm outside. Please come talk to me. Just for five minutes.
I clenched my jaw, hovering my thumb over the delete button. Another text came through.
BROOKLYN: Please. I'll stay here all day if I have to.
I inhaled as much air as my lungs would allow before heaving myself out of bed and quietly making my way outside. Even after everything, there was something in me that wanted to keep giving him chances. I wanted to keep believing in something, even if it wasn't necessarily him, just something tangible.
Brooklyn leaned against the door of his car with a bundle of flowers under his arm, larger and more impressive than the previous ones he had given me, and his tired eyes lit up as I approached him. His hair was unkempt and it was obvious he hadn't shaved in a few days. I fought the urge to fling myself at him, to wrap my arms around his broad figure and nuzzle myself into his chest, feeling his warmth surge through me. Instead I crossed my arms tightly over my torso and gave him a stony glare.
"You have five minutes," I said curtly.
Brooklyn gave me a quick nod and handed me the bouquet of flowers. "They don't suck as much as the last ones."
I took the bundle gingerly in my hand and ran my fingers over the colorful array of roses. I looked up at him, and he gave me a weak smile, letting a small dimple pop up in the corner of his cheek. If he was trying to completely unravel me, it was working.
"Look Natalie..." Brooklyn itched at his neck, and I cringed hearing him say my full name. I had gotten so used to hearing him say Nat that Natalie sounded foreign and far away, almost like it didn't even belong to me.
"The truth is I kind of suck as a person, and I've been a pretty textbook junkie most of my adult life. I've stolen from my parents to pay for drugs, I've cheated and lied an incomprehensible amount of times, and overall I just haven't done a single thing right in a really long time." He sighed and ran his hand over the side of his face. "But you make me want to do the right thing. You're good...I mean, way too good for me, and I know it. But If somebody like you can have faith in someone like me, then I owe it to you to at least try. And I am trying," he pleaded. "But I need someone on my side."
I felt my breath hitch in my throat. I clutched the stems of the flowers tightly in my hands until my knuckles turned white. "Brooklyn, I am on your side. But what am I supposed to think when I find bags of drugs out in your room not even two weeks after you promised me you were done with all this?"
"You're supposed to trust that I kept my promise!" Brooklyn's voice cracked. "Nat, I swear I have no idea where those pills came from. I didn't even know that box was still under my bed. I'm trying to move on from all this but I can't do that if you're just going to think I'm lying all the time."
The back of my eyes prickled with unshed tears. My chest burned, and I felt like someone was trying to rip me in half right down the middle - one half ruled by my heart and soul, and the other half ruled by logical judgment. My head spun. "Brooklyn, I don't know what you want me to say."
Brooklyn frowned and shook his head. "Look, part of me really wanted to drive downtown, pick up heroin on the corner, sit in my room and shoot up all night. It's definitely better than feeling like this, because I feel like absolute shit." He paused and steadied his breath. "But I didn't. I drove to the florist, I picked up flowers, and I drove over here."
Brooklyn reached down and wiped away a tear that had fallen down my cheek with his thumb. "Please don't cry," he whispered. "Not for me. Whatever I have to do to not ruin this, I'll do. At this point I...I don't know what I'd do without you."
I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat from holding back tears. The honesty in his voice was jarring and raw, and the side of me ruled by my aching heart took over. I nodded and gave in, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. I inhaled his tangy cigarette scent and felt his arms around me, protecting her from the onslaught of emotion that ripped through me.
"Now what?" I asked as I pulled away and wiped my eyes with my hand.
"Now..." Brooklyn produced an envelope from his back pocket and handed it to me. "Say you'll be my date to this."
"You're not asking me to prom are you?" I shot him a deadpan look.
"Just open it," he said with a slight chuckle.
Inside the envelope was a thick, glossy piece of paper, and in embossed script, it read "Kayleigh Mae and Jackson Phillip invite you to celebrate their wedding Saturday the eighteenth of August, two-thousand nineteen at six o'clock in the evening. The Grand Island Estate, Hilton Head, SC."
"Who's getting married?" I asked.
"My cousin," Brooklyn replied. "To be honest, I didn't even think I was going to get invited. A lot of my mom's side of the family..." he sighed and looked down at his shoes. "Well, they're not really big fans of me. But somehow, I guess I got invited...and they gave me a plus one."
He took the envelope from me and flipped it over. In script it read Mr. Brooklyn Keller & Guest.
"My mom is basically forcing me to go," he shrugged. "It'll probably suck but...it would be a lot better if you came with me." He pouted and clasped his hands together in front of him. "Please."
I smiled and shook my head. "I guess I can't say no to that face."
Brooklyn returned my smile and kissed me on the cheek. "You're amazing. I really don't deserve you, and I know it. I have to go home, but I'll call you later, okay?"
I nodded and watched him get back into his car, smiling at me the entire time until he drove away down my street. I made her way back into the house and closed the door softly behind me, smiling as I let the scent of the flowers fill my nose.
"What was that all about?"
I jumped out of her skin when I saw Nikki emerge from the living room. I clutched the flowers to my chest.
"Brooklyn just asked me to go with him to his cousin's wedding," I replied with a weak smile.
"That's a little dramatic, isn't it?" Nikki gestured to the flowers.
I couldn't hide the redness in my cheeks and looked down at my sandals.
"Nat, what did he do this time?"
I shook my head. "Nothing. He didn't do anything."
"Natalie." The sternness in Nikki's voice was jarring. "You're the worst liar I know. What did he do?" Nikki paused and scowled. "Is he doing drugs again?"
Hearing Nikki say it out loud felt like a stab in the chest. I shook my head at her again. "No. He's fine."
Nikki scoffed. "You know this is exactly what addicts do, right? They beg and they apologize and they make promises they have no intention of keeping."
"You don't know him," I said with an edge starting to creep in my voice.
"He has such a hold over you, Natalie," Nikki's said sharply. "You're so blinded by your infatuation with him that you can't even see what's going on. You barely make time to write anymore, you don't hang out with me or Aunt Mel, you're just so wrapped up in him that if it doesn't involve him, you don't want a part of it. I'm getting sick to my stomach watching you crawl back to him every time he comes over here with flowers and a cute apology."
"You have no idea what you're talking about!" I snapped. "You don't know anything about him!"
Nikki laughed and shook her head. "Don't you think if you keep getting random text messages from strangers warning you about him, you should probably listen?"
My world came to a screeching half. I looked back up at Nikki, her face blanched when she realized what she had just said.
"I never told you I was getting threatening text messages," I said softly. "How did you know?"
Nikki gulped. "No you...you definitely told me."
"I didn't tell anybody," I insisted, taking a step towards my sister. She shook her head again and backed up towards the stairs.
"It was you, wasn't it?" I hissed. "You've been sending me those ridiculous text messages. Why?"
"Because I knew you'd never listen to me if I tried to tell you what was going on," Nikki pleaded, her voice starting to crack. "Ella told me when we were downtown for her birthday that she thought Brooklyn was using again. She didn't want to tell you because she really thought you were going to help him. She thought things would change, but they clearly haven't. He's beyond help, and he's only going to keep hurting you."
"No, you're the only one that's beyond help," I said coldly. "You're still just a shallow little girl who can't stand to see other people around her happier than she is. I'm so tired of you trying to undermine me. Do us both a favor and leave me the hell alone."
With tears starting to trickle down her face, Nikki stormed up the steps and slammed her bedroom door shut. I looked back down at the flowers. One of them had already wilted and died.
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