That little conversation I had with Joe, was enough to get me very excited to wake up to go to work. I woke up around 3 hours earlier every day so I could take a shower, straighten my hair, do my makeup and look my very best for Joe. It became an obsession. In a way, that obsession came as a good thing. I had spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, locked in my room that having something to look forward to didn't feel anywhere near bad. It was good entertainment.
To the outside world; meaning my family, this was progress. They went from seeing me not wanting to go out of my room and being in pajamas 24 hours a day, to getting absolutely dolled up every time I went to work, every time I left the house.
The couple of days after that conversation with Joe happened, I kept trying to plan our next encounter. How I would get up to go to the bathroom when he did so we would run into each other, or how I wanted to be the one trainee who gave the most interesting comments or the one who was paying the most attention. Slowly but surely, he started to play my game.
Joe: I need a volunteer. Amanda!
I would stand up feeling the absolute best and I would sit in his adjustable chair whenever he asked me to. He noticed I would always readjust it to the lowest position I could because I liked when my feet were 100% on the ground.
Joe: Why are you bringing it all the way down.
Me: I just like to be on the bottom.
I don't know why I chose those words or that specific order but I ran into this one.
Joe: Oh, Im sure you do.
And he winked.
I couldn't believe it. At that point, I was completely sure this guy was into me! That was so exciting to me and I couldn't believe it. I was thrilled. I loved the feeling of being noticed for once in my life. All the other trainees knew it too. I could tell the girls in the room were jealous because of me. All of them would tease us. It was just perfect. We had a constant reminder that people knew there was a certain spark between us.
One day, what I had been planning for so long finally took place. I asked my mom to pick me up half an hour later because I wanted to go over the information with my trainer. So, I stayed in the training room and sat right in front of Joe as if to have a conversation.
Joe: What's up, girl?
Me: I'm just waiting for my mom to pick me up.
As I replied, I noticed he hadn't taken his eyes off of the Quran while he was talking to me. It seemed as if he had lost interest. Why though? Had I done something wrong? All of my insecurities came running through my head. Was it because I was fat? Was he attracted to someone else? I was so confused.
Joe: Okay. I have to go now because my dad is going to pick me up tonight. I'll see you tomorrow girl.
Before I could even answer anything back, he was out the room. That had officially been the weirdest encounter we had. I even thought about the possibility of him actually being scared to date me because I guess it was against the rules to date a trainee. But I mean, he had made jokes about it in class; in front of everyone else. Why would he change opinion all of a sudden?
Either way, I wasn't going to give up. That had been the closest experience I had to flirting and to having attracted someone from the opposite sex that I just didn't want to let go or give up.
The next day, I woke up 3 and a half hours prior to going to work. I was 100% determined to lure Joe in. I wanted him and I wanted him badly. I was going to do anything and everything it took to be attractive and interesting in his eyes. So, I started doing research about the Quran.
Joe: Good morning, guys.
He turns to me and winks.
Wait, what? Last night he was so awkward and now he's back to winking at me? Okay, I don't know what game he was playing but for some weird freaking reason I was into it.
Days went by and he would always find a way to sneak in a dirty comment toward me in class. Honestly, I felt flattered. I could tell the other girl trainees were getting more and more jealous and I was enjoying that part of the game too.
One day, on the 6th of September, I was determined to make some sort of move. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do but I wanted him to know that I was into him. I remember exactly when and how this happened because it was actually my mom's birthday. So, I thought of telling Joe to come over to my house for my mom's little birthday gets together. I waited for everyone to leave and we were both left alone in the training room.
Joe: What are you up to tonight, girl?
Me: Oh, it's actually my mom's birthday. Do you want to come over? My family and some friends are going to have some cake and possibly one or two drinks.
Joe looked at me as if I was proposing something out of this world. For some reason, I don't think he was expecting to hang out with me or anyone for that matter.
Joe: Isn't that going to be awkward? I don't know, Amanda. I would also get in trouble if anyone found out.
Me: Don't worry, no one is going to find out. And we're also just going to have dinner and that'll be it.
Joe: Okay, fine. Let's do it. Where did you park?
Me: I parked inside the building.
While on our way to the car, I knew we would encounter some of our coworkers. And even though they weren't supposed to find out, part of me actually wanted them to notice. I wanted them to see that I was going out with the trainer. The very handsome trainer everyone was into. He was like the Regina George of the place I was working at. Girls talked about him because he was hot, and men talked about him because they wanted to be him. At least, these are the assumptions I made based on what I could see.
Once we were in the car, I could see he was nervous. Part of me thought he was nervous about the way I was driving because I was also freaking nervous. Until, the phone rang.
Lilly: Hey, Amanda. Can you pick me up on your way to your house?
Me: Sure thing!
Joe: Who was that?
Me: Oh, that was my cousin Emma. We just have to go pick her up and then go to the grocery store to get some whiskey for my mom.
He didn't even answer anything back. He was moving and acting in such a weird way that I actually started to feel very uncomfortable. Emma is my closest cousin and I knew I'd feel more comfortable with her around because she would obviously try to help me out in trying to dilute such an awkward conversation.
When we finally pulled up at my cousin's, I could tell Joe was simply not having it.
Emma: Hey!
Me: Emma, Joe. Joe, Emma.
Emma: Hey, Joe. Nice to meet you. Do you know Amanda from work?
Joe: Yes. Im her trainer.
And that was the end of their conversation. Through the rearview mirror, I looked at my cousin and tried to open up my eyes wide to signal her to stop talking and she did. It was honestly one of the most awkward car rides I had ever been in and I had no idea why.
Once we were in the grocery store, he told me he wanted to look for something while my cousin and I got the whiskey. And I agreed to it without giving it a second thought.
Emma: Who is this guy and why is he acting so weird?
Me: He's my trainer from work. Im literally in love with this guy. He's so good looking.
Emma: Good looking? Maybe only if you close your eyes and stand 5 miles away.
Out of nowhere, I had an unexplainable feeling in my stomach. I could feel or I could sense that something was wrong and it most likely had to do with Joe. I had an undeniable premonition about what would happen. I don't know why or how to explain it but I pictured Joe leaving. I had a feeling he was going to just leave and not say anything. And I blurred the words out the moment they were on my mind.
Me: He left.
Emma: What do you mean he left?
Me: Joe left.
I was sure of it. Why would he leave though?
Emma: Come on, Amanda. He must be looking for something. Why the fuck would he leave? Only a crazy person would leave and not saying anything.
We both walked across every single aisle in the grocery store and this son of a bitch was absolutely nowhere to be found. Why would he do something like that? I tried calling him four times and he never picked up. He had officially left AND I knew it.
Emma: That's officially a whole other level of fucked up. Who the hell does that?
I couldn't even reply anything. My brain was still busy processing and trying to find a possible explanation as to why he had left us hanging. While we were walking back towards my car, it finally dawned on me. He left his bag in my car. As soon as I thought of that, my phone rang.
Me: Hello?
Joe: Hey. Um, sorry. I forgot my bag in your car. Where are you?
Me: What do you mean? Where did you go? I'm in my car.
Emma and I opened the trunk and left the groceries. As I was shutting it, I saw Joe standing in front of my car. I stared at him in disbelief. As if I had seen some ghost or spirit that I never thought I'd see.
Joe: Hey, Amanda. Can I talk to you for a sec?
Emma didn't want to interrupt so without me having to tell her, she shut herself in my car.
Joe: I know that was weird but I have to leave. I'm having an emergency and I really, really need to leave. I'm sorry, Amanda. I'll make it up to you.