Remus rarely remembered anything during his time as a wolf which was for the better since what he did remember was more than his human emotions could cope with. He remembered anger and rage and desire to lash out... the desire to kill (which he took out on himself) and these vicious, evil flashes from the full moon were unbearable for him to deal with without the actual physical memories of what he did.
When the curse ebbed out in the morning (which always hurt too, though in a different, shrinking way) he found himself in a pool of his own blood and the shredded remains of the blanket. He stared at the ceiling, not sure where he was... before the memory of the evening before flooded back. Groaning in pain, he sat up. He always still had wounds on his body, the severity depending.
Remus gave a whimpering cry as he saw deep gouges down his legs, a large chunk removed from one calf that had to be from a self-inflicted bite. There were claw marks down his sides, his flesh shredded and flappy. He could feel scratches on his face. The pain was too much and he lay back down, sobbing. His body would heal. Everything he did to himself would (usually) disappear before night fell again. He figured it was because the wounds were from a werewolf that they took longer to heal than normal wounds but they did heal (for instance, when he broke his arm once as a boy it healed up within ten minutes, but once when he chewed his own finger off in wolf form it took well over a day). Everything that happened to his body was healed and smoothed away by werewolf regeneration, another side effect from his curse. All wounds, that is, except for the one that turned him into a werewolf; he would forever have that scar. He also thought silver might not heal but it was one of those things he wasn't sure was true or a myth.
As he lay there crying, the shallow slashes on his face began healing. Even though all of this healed up, it didn't change or lessen the pain. They were very real wounds, causing very real--and immense--pain. He could feel the other wounds slowly working their way towards fixing themselves but it would take ages, especially for the huge chunk in his leg. I'll just lay here a while, he thought and was on the verge of just passing out when he heard movement in the passage.
No! He grabbed the remains of the blanket to wrap around his body and somehow pulled himself to the bathroom in a flash of white hot pain, leaving a trail of bloody and smudged footprints. His legs were weak and he barely made it before he heard the trapdoor open and Madame Pomfrey gasp loudly at the sight before her. He wondered what it was like, surveying the damage a werewolf did for the first time. He wondered what she thought, knowing a tiny little eleven year old had done all that damage, caused all that blood.
"I'm--I'm--bathroom!" he called out when he heard her speak his name. "Hold on...!" He turned on the shower though didn't really want to get in with his violent wounds. It would cause more blood loss, but what choice did he have with Pomfrey out there? She's seeing the blood, he thought miserably, tears squeezing out of his eyes. She's seeing what I did!
"Are you all right?" she asked, right outside the door.
As soon as he stepped into the shower the hot water against the gouge on his calf was too much and he cried out before falling, crashing out of the shower and onto the floor. Lights burst in his eyes and he began sobbing. The door swung open and Pomfrey came in.
"N--no--p--please...!" he whimpered, feebly grabbing for a towel to cover his nakedness. "Please," he said again as she crouched next to him. She was seeing him, seeing him, seeing him the blood and the wounds and he was naked except the towel and she was seeing what he had done to himself. She had seen the violence in the living room and now saw the violence on his body. "It--heals--" he managed to choke out, tears pouring out. Please stop looking at me.
He wasn't sure what was worse. Her seeing the self-inflicted wounds, or her seeing his nakedness.
Pomfrey eyed the deep chunk removed from his leg he had bitten out himself, the bloody mess, the muscles exposed. Her face tightened and then smoothed out. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up and taken back to the school."
"B--back?" he asked as she began wiping him down with a warm, wet washcloth. "B... but tonight... moon...?"
Pomfrey looked down into his gold-amber eyes. "You didn't expect to stay here all day, did you?" He just stared back in confusion as yes, that was exactly what he thought. "You're only eleven... you can't be left alone like this..."
"I'm... I'd r--rather st--stay here th-though." The thought of being smuggled in and out of the school every single night of the full moon was too much for him.
"I--well, I'm sorry, but that's not possible. You're a child." After she finished cleaning him off she conjured some bandages, wrapping them around his leg, and the gashes on his chest. She fetched his clothes from the wardrobe upstairs and he slowly got dressed, wincing in pain. Then she wrapped her own cloak around him and helped limp him into the passageway and back to the school.
*
Remus woke up, confused about the starkness around him. A lot of white, and light. He sat up, realizing he was in the hospital wing. A small room he hadn't seen the first time visiting. There was a window with gauzy curtains, a bedside table with a lamp and some flowers, a side table with a basin full of water, the metal bed he lay in, and a chair. He swung his legs out and winced at how tight his muscles felt. Why am I in pajamas? I don't recognize these either. He rolled up the legs of the loose pajamas and removed the bandages to see the wounds from his transformation time were almost healed, only a few pink scars that would fade after another hour or so. The spot where he had ripped an entire bit of leg out still hurt and looked open and rather nasty; it probably still had several more hours. He lifted his shirt and saw pink scars zigging down his sides. Finally he unbuttoned the top and pulled one side down to see the deep pink, puckered scar that ringed his entire upper left arm. Teeth marks that left indents. The scar that would never fade. He touched one of the tooth marks and then pulled his shirt back up.
Then the door opened and he jerked, looking in surprise at Pomfrey. "Oh, good, you're awake," she said, bringing in a lunch tray. "I didn't want to wake you, but I know you need food. You suffered a lot of blood loss..."
She made him lay back down then put the tray in his lap. Grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots. His stomach growled loudly and he began eating gratefully. "Wha' hime iffi?"
"Chew and swallow, Mr. Lupin."
He obeyed her, swallowing the delicious food, then repeated himself more clearly. "What time is it?"
"Almost two in the afternoon, you've been asleep since you got here at about seven-thirty. How do you feel?" She began doing diagnosis spells on his body while he continued to eat. "Please stop talking with a full mouth," she complained when he tried answering.
"Sorry," he said once done swallowing. "I feel... okay. Tired. Maybe a little more than usual but not much."
Pomfrey sat down in the chair and gave him a look. "We weren't sure what to tell your friends, by the way. They had no idea where you were so when they went to Professor McGonagall she simply told them you weren't feeling well. They were here this morning."
"I don't have friends," he replied before shoveling more food in.
Pomfrey's eyebrows arched. "Misters Black and Potter? They seemed quite intent on visiting you. Apparently they went to Minerva in great distress after breakfast since you never returned to your dorm last night and weren't in the Great Hall for breakfast. You didn't tell them anything?"
"They aren't my friends, ma'am. I don't... have friends. I--I d-didn't think to tell them anything. Nobody asked me anything when I left." Remus thought about Pettigrew watching him pack a towel in his school bag, and Remus telling him he wasn't doing anything. "So they've been told I'm sick?"
"Yes."
He nodded and finished off the rest of the food. "'K, I'll say that if they ask when I go back. Could I have some more? Please?" he added after a pause, remembering his manners. Then he realized he had been carrying on a conversation like a normal person all this time, and his cheeks flushed with pleasure.
Pomfrey left to get him more food and he settled back to wait, yawning a bit from still being tired. He usually slept all day on the days during the moon, with the exception of meals. His eyelids started fluttering close then snapped wide open when he heard voices past the door.
"...why not? We want to give him something!" demanded the haughty voice of Black.
"I told you, Mr. Lupin is in no state for company."
"Just for a couple minutes, we won't make him worse," promised Potter.
"No. Now please leave the hospital wing unless you're injured."
"OW!!!" Potter suddenly cried out and Remus heard a great crashing sound. "MY LEG IS BROKEN! MERLIN HELP ME!"
"Mr. Potter get off the floor!" Pomfrey snapped.
"MY LEG IS BROKEN, MADAME POMFREY, I CAN'T!"
"Madame Pomfrey, please, look at him!" Black gasped out. "He's very injured!"
"Ouch!" Potter yelped. "Why did you kick me?! What kind of healer are you?!"
"Your leg is most certainly not broken and I did not kick you, I nudged you! Now get up and leave this instant before I spell you out!"
Remus heard grumbles and then a moment later the door to his room opened and Pomfrey came in with another tray of food. "I heard all of that," he said as she put the tray in his lap. "Th--they're not my friends."
"I don't think they know that," she said a bit grouchily. "If they try again tonight I will use force."
"Madame Pomfrey..." He finally slowed down with the eating and looked up at the young witch. "I d--don't understand why I'm brought back here. Wouldn't it be easier and safer if I stayed there?"
"Remus, you are eleven years old," she said sternly. "We are not leaving you alone in that house all day for multiple days in a row! Perhaps when you're a bit older."
Remus finished off his food and she took the tray away so he could drift back to sleep, dreaming about being in the house and everything kept growing... or maybe he was shrinking. They were very strange dreams, and he was a bit relieved when Pomfrey woke him up for dinner. All his wounds were completely healed by that point except for a pinkish fading scar on his leg, and he changed into his regular clothes (rather slowly since he still felt weak) so Pomfrey could take him back outside to the Whomping Willow. Isn't it more dangerous this way? he wondered, wanting to argue more. Coming and going every day?
Pomfrey took him to the house and left after he went through the trap door, not coming into the house this time. Remus read for the rest of the evening and then tucked everything away in the wardrobe to once again wait for the moon to rise and the pain of transformation consume him once more.
*
On Monday morning, Remus's body felt more broken than the night before but he was still able to limp to the shower after he finished turning back into a human body (or whatever that was supposed to be) to get cleaned off before Pomfrey showed up. He cried out as his soapy hands skimmed over the jagged flesh and at one point the pain was so much he passed out. He woke up to Pomfrey wrapping a large bandage around his middle.
"S'okay," he muttered, rather delirious from the pain. "Professor, you don't need to stay..."
"You're seriously injured, I'm not going to leave you," she said.
"I'll heal..."
"I don't care," she said a bit harshly and then her face softened, her voice doing the same. "I know perfectly well that all of this damage will go away before the day is ended but I'm not going to leave you like this."
He wished she'd listen. He didn't like her seeing him like this. He never liked his parents seeing him broken and bloody but at least they were his parents, not a virtual stranger. She also saw all the blood everywhere, and the destruction he did to the furniture. Great big claw marks in the couch and a cushion torn up like a chew toy. He didn't want to go back to the school only to come back again tonight. He'd rather just stay there. To sleep there and feed himself and not have strange adults come in and see the ruin he caused in the night. It was too humiliating. And tiring.
Maybe Professor Dumbledore could be talked round, he thought as they went across the damp morning grass and into the school. If I can even manage to say what I want to say and not have it all bungled together. Remus thought he might be getting better at talking to people. Perhaps it was just Pomfrey, though, or because of the exhaustion and blood loss and moon. He got changed into the pajamas provided for him as she rewrapped his wounds and he curled up in bed, going to sleep until she woke him for lunch. He slept till supper and as he ate he received a small lecture about Black and Potter and Pettigrew and Evans all trying to come see him during various points of the day.
Why? We aren't friends, they barely know me... it doesn't make any sense, he thought as he chewed his food. Evans had left a get-well-soon card for him which he read after he was done eating. There was a drawing of a flower on the front and on the inside it read, I heard from your roommates that you're in the hospital wing. I really hope you're doing better soon! L.E.
He stared at the card for several minutes then tucked it under his pillow before going back to sleep.
*
Monday night was the final night for him to transform but it didn't go any easier than the previous two. He was still torn ragged and a bloody mess when he finished shifting back Tuesday morning. He curled into a painful ball for a few minutes and allowed himself some time to cry before forcing himself to shower (being extra careful around his wounds so he wouldn't black out like before) and try to clean up some of the blood before Pomfrey showed up. He was kneeling and scrubbing at the floor with shaky, aching arms when she came in. One of the hands clutching the dirty towel had deep bite marks in it, some flesh torn away.
"Mr. Lupin! You are in no condition to be doing that!" she shouted when she saw him. "You've been suffering extreme blood loss all weekend!"
"I sh--should clean it though," he said as she hurried over. "It's going to stain." That seemed to be a weak argument due to all the stains already in the house, just from three nights. He saw paw prints in some areas and his own human footprints going out of the living room towards the bathroom. The smell was so strong... "Please let me clean up." He wanted to eradicate all the blood, all the evidence.
"Come on, Mr. Lupin. You're making yourself bleed again."
He looked down and saw red blossoming on his shirt from a deep gash on his side and on the sleeves from the scratches on his arms. What's it matter? It'll heal up. Why can't she understand this? Pomfrey helped him to his feet and started to take him back to the school but he remembered his bag in the wardrobe and ran up the steps, ignoring the pain in his legs, the fresh blood pouring out of his scratches. He threw open the wardrobe and grabbed his school bag, carrying it gingerly back down the stairs so it didn't bump against his body. He didn't want blood on it in addition to the vinegar smell that persisted despite constant cleaning. As soon as he reached the bottom step he collapsed, and Pomfrey had to use magical means to carry him back to the castle.
In the hospital wing Pomfrey bandaged him up, giving him a rather nasty lecture about running around with his wounds like he had. She tried to get him to eat some breakfast but he was far too sleepy and only managed a couple bites before falling asleep.
*
After lunch, Remus wanted to go to his afternoon classes except remembered as he got dressed (Pomfrey had cleaned his clothes, getting rid of the blood; she also got the vinegar smell out of his bag somehow) that he didn't have any afternoon classes on Tuesday. Might as well leave the hospital wing anyway, he decided, carefully putting his shoes on. His wounds were mostly healed but some of the worse ones still gave him pain and he still had a bandage against the deep gash along his side that he suspected had pierced an organ. He was still weak from blood loss but was determined to leave the hospital wing anyway. I want to go to as many classes as I can, so I need to get used to doing this.
"I'll be fine," he lied to Madame Pomfrey as she anxiously watched him leave.
"You should wait until your blood replenishes," she said huffily.
He held himself still so he wouldn't waver, knowing how pale he looked. He probably looked on the verge of being a vampire. "I'll be fine," he said again and walked carefully until he was far out of sight of the hospital wing and then he slumped down, allowing the limp to creep back into his walk. He felt exhausted and was a bit glad they didn't have any classes. If I did, I would go. Next month I will. Next month the final night was a Tuesday, and on Wednesday he had DADA in the afternoon. I'll make myself, he decided as he attempted a flight of stairs and pain shot through his body every time he heaved himself up to the next stair. Merlin's beard why is the Gryffindor tower so high up?
By the time he reached the seventh floor he was crying, and he could feel his side wound was open and bleeding again. He clutched his side as he limped to the portrait and when it opened he had no idea how he was going to get in. Slowly he pulled himself into the hole and crashed to the ground on the other side, giving a yelp of pain. Yeah, I'm definitely bleeding again.
He heard other students talking and that spurred him into getting up, pretending like he was fine, pretending that it was one of his normal falls. He certainly fell through the hole more often than not so it wasn't unusual. He kept his arm tucked against his side and walked slowly towards the boys' staircase to avoid the limping.
"Lupin!"
Potter and Black came running over and he took a quick step back, wincing from the pain of doing so. He was getting really dizzy and felt hot.
"You're okay!"
"We were very worried."
"Pomfrey the Putrid wouldn't let us see you."
"We tried a couple different times."
"She kicked me, actually kicked me."
"You look dreadful..." Black stepped forward, peering into Remus's face. "You're as white as a sheet and..." He trailed off, looking at the deep smudges under Remus's eyes, and the shakiness of Remus's hands. "Should you... be out of the wing, mate?"
"I'm f---f--f--" It seemed any ability to talk with Pomfrey had drained away. "F--fine," he forced out. His side felt like it was splitting open even more and he felt sick with fear that the blood would seep out around the bandage. "Um--ex--excuse me." He slowly turned and went carefully up the stairs, his legs nearly buckling. He had to put a hand against the wall to keep himself steady. He felt their eyes on him as he went and the tears came back.
Stop looking at me, please.
He reached the dorm and crept in, taking his pillow and blanket to wriggle under his bed. There he pulled his shirt up and peeled back the bloody bandage to check how bad it had gotten. He wasn't used to his wounds getting worse. Usually after he got cleaned up all he did was rest, so he never really experienced this before. He touched a finger to one of the flaps of flesh and then flinched. He put the bandage back, pulled his shirt down, and fell into a nightmare-filled sleep where his regeneration ability suddenly stopped and he was covered in scars, marking him for the beast he was.