Pairings: Jon/Spencer, Ryan/Brendon, Pete/Patrick, implied Pete/Ryan.
AN: This is my first 'crack!fic' (are those a thing anymore) and really, it wasn't supposed to be one, and it also wasn't supposed to be the story of Pete Wentz, the psycho manager of a dirty hotel full of insane staff. It also wasn't supposed to be a Halloween fic, but why not? I'm not sure if I'll continue it or not though.
Warnings: Swearing, sexual jokes, really really unfunny jokes im so sorry.
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The constant smell of weed and vomit with a hint of various rat-spread diseases was a combination Pete could never really get used to. Every time he thought he had, the over-powering scent was increased by more weed, vomit and rat-spread diseases.
In the first year of Pete's reign as manager in the most unappealing hotel this side of Vegas - there was apparently a much worse one on the other side, according to Pete - he had believed that he wouldn't be working in the hotel long enough to have to get used to it.
Five years on however, Pete's come to terms with the fact that he could very well die in this place but he will still not be used to it. And the smell most certainly won't change. Even in his final breath the smell will undoubtedly still be just as strong and slightly disgusting as it is today. In fact, his decaying body will be doomed to forever linger in the foul smell, because it will certainly be added to the pile of other decaying bodies in the motel.
There's a room full of them on the third floor, after all. Pete keeps meaning to clean it out before he gets in trouble with the police or something. He needs to go shout at the cleaner sometime today anyway; he always does.
Pete gets up from his desk in his office at the back of the motel, that he hopes will someday upgrade into a hotel - although that would mean extra work -, and makes his way along the ground floor to the cleaner's supply cupboard.
He knocks on the door, a strange tune he made up on the spot because Pete is a musical genius. When there's no answer, he knocks again.
By his 34th knock, Pete's composed a new hit song and decides that he's given the cleaner enough warning, so he opens the door.
The familiar smell of decay hits him as soon as the door is pulled open, but he's used to that smell. It's certainly strange how someone can get used to the smell of a 9 hour old dead body but not the permanently lingering concoction of odours from weed, vomit and a hint of rat spread diseases.
He smells it so often that Pete decides he probably should have called the motel that instead.
Yes, "9 Hour Old Dead Body" does have a ring to it. HE should tell Spencer to get right on it. After all, that is the job of an assistant manager like Spencer; not an important manager-man like Pete.
Maybe he should tell Spencer to get everyone to call him 'Important Manager-Man Pete' while he's at it.
Not right now though, he needs to find a new cleaner... and someone to haul away this dead body. Usually the cleaner would have done it but he can't because he's dead and Pete is so not doing it because touching a dead body?
Fucking gross.
So he backs out of the death infused cupboard and has to make a choice between calling Ryan, his intern, or Spencer, the assistant manager.
He's pretty sure Spencer hates him and he cannot take another bitch-face today, he just can't. Besides, Ryan totally has a thing for Pete.
Pete gets out his fancy new Nokia 3310 and logs into his old AOL account to 'shoot Ryan a message' as the kids would say.
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From: releasethepete@aol.com
To: blink-18ryan@aol.com
Subject: found another bodi d00d
hai ry, jw if u cld cum and pik up th clenr lol ull c wut i meen l8r ha ha ha
-P
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Pete waits, just eager for Ryan's reply. But after a few minutes he begins to wonder why Ryan hasn't replied yet. Has he seen the message and is holding off on replying for a bit so he doesn't seem too eager? That's what Pete does when Patrick texts him, so he can see Ryan doing it.
Pete's palms begin to sweat after ten minutes go by and he's about to send him another message when he remembers why Ryan hasn't replied.
He messaged him on AOL. Ryan's too out-of-date to know that AOL is the hippest emailing service on the planet. He uses gmail.
So, after stalking Ryan's twitter to find out his email address, he sends another email, identical to the last, to his gmail account instead.
Pete stares at his phone, trying to block out the fact that there's a dead cleaner behind him which will result in a lot of paperwork and probably another search from the police.
He is so running out of room in his police-that-came-to-search-the-motel's-bodies room on the third floor. There's no way he can fit another murder investigation team.
Within two minutes, Ryan appears at the cleaner's cupboard beside Pete. Why else would Ryan come so quickly if he didn't like Pete? Pete's often asked himself that same question in the bedroom. Although he figures he shouldn't say it out loud, people may get jealous that Ryan likes him and not them. Especially Brendon, the motel's receptionist.
Brendon is the first face you'll see when you enter the motel. And probably the last if you react badly to the rat-spread diseases and the decaying bodies. Apparently most people are affected greatly by asbestos and the plague, Pete had no idea... honesty he just realised and is right on it...
If you don't die from the rat-spread diseases another way to go is the food.
Which you should absolutely eat because Pete says it is edible and Pete's always right. He's never tried it himself though, but it is not because he knows its poisonous and is too cheap to replace it. It's simply because Pete is on a diet.
You keep thinking things like that and you'll find yourself in that special little room on the third floor that was mentioned earlier.
Anyway! Moving on...
A lot of people who come here are junkies and will die on their own account from overdoses. Coincidentally a lot of them also claimed Pete was a terrible manager and that he was poisoning his guests. What a coincidence!!
But besides all the death (and there is a lot, honestly no one's sure why people even come here. Besides Pete of course, who assures us it's fine and remember, Pete's always right) the staff is what really makes the place stand out from the other verging-on-being-shut-down motels. Because really, it's hard to find staff so wonderful in other death-filled motels.
Because they are wonderful. Pete hired the best and if you disagree then you might find yourself in a different room on the third floor that wasn't mentioned earlier. Really, you'd be glad it wasn't.
Besides the threatening egocentric murderous psychotic manager- I mean... the non-threatening eccentric, murderously-hungry(?), psychic-when-it-comes-to-your-feelings-and-needs manager-man Pete, you have a handful of other staff that are not quite as cool and hip and perfect as our lord and saviour: Manager-Man Pete... but still pretty awesome.
But we'll get to those later because right now, Pete is trying to convince Ryan to shift the body of Kevin, the former cleaner... This could end badly for Ryan.
"Look, Ryan..." Pete says soothingly, he's always had a soft spot for Ryan after all. It's the least he could do for the poor emo-twiggy boy that has a crush on him. "I am the manager of this fine establishment..." Ryan scoffs at what he thinks is an extreme exaggeration. And a blatant lie. "And that means that I can order you around, because you are my intern."
"I am not your intern. I haven't been your intern in 3 years! I work with Patrick in the hotel's restaurant! I'm a waiter." Pete's intern shouts, towering over him in an intimidating way. Although Pete isn't scared because Pete is the manager-man. And very important.
Completely ignoring everything Ryan says (Pete tends to do that a lot because he decides what is important and Ryan's point is not) , Pete grins widely, "Patrick! Where is Patrick?" Ryan huffs, pulling a face that he's undoubtedly learned from the master of scary faces, Spencer Smith.
"Probably avoiding you, you psycho." Pete gasps because that was unbelievably rude. And Ryan called him something he isn't which is also unbelievably rude.
Pete is starting to seriously dislike Ryan the intern.
"Ryan? Don't you have somewhere to be?"
"Actually yes, I replied to your email that you never read and-" Pete gives him 'The look' and Ryan stops mid sentence, sighs in frustration and walks away.
It's a special look that informs everyone that there is still space available in the special room on the third floor. In both of the special rooms actually. It's incredibly non-life-threatening, honestly. Pete is in no way threatening people, only informing them that the spaces need filled. It's very thoughtful of him.
Maybe you ought to see 'The Look' if you're still having doubts.
Ryan was smart to walk away. Pete could totally take him. He had many, many times before. Just last night actually, but in a different way.
Pete has had enough of thinking about Ryan naked now and decides to go call a staff meeting to discuss an important matter.
Pete climbs the stairs of the motel, all the way to the bell-tower at the very top. Some people might say that it is unsafe to leave a bell-tower unlocked or to even have a bell-tower but those people are wrong. If Pete says it's safe then it is safe. Plus, there's only been 4 bell-tower-related casualties this week.
Coincidentally all four of them also thought that having a bell-tower unlocked was unsafe and they had complained to Pete. That was five minutes before they mysteriously fell off the bell-tower.
Pete assures everyone that it was not him. And if you think it was him then you may find yourself falling off a nearby bell-tower. That's completely unrelated to your opinion of course, just a warning.
However you are to be reminded that there is still room in the other room on the third floor too. It hides- I mean holds all the bodies from the fall-related-deaths. It's quite a tight fit but I'm sure we can squeeze another body, maybe one your size.
When Pete gets to the top of the 100% safe bell-tower he grabs the giant hammer he's never used to hit people off of the bell-tower with but only uses to hit the bell with. And no, that's not blood on the hammer it is simply food colouring from all the delicious cakes he makes in his motel kitchen. Pete hits the bell with the hammer and it rings out throughout most of Vegas. Something falls out of the bell, a body. "Fuck I forgot about that one." Pete groans and leaves the body there for Kevin to clean- Oh, wait he's dead. Pete keeps forgetting that.
Regardless of the body of the person Pete didn't kill falling out of the bell Pete didn't hide it in, the ring of the staff meeting bell has just rung and it's part of the deal that you just drop everything and gather in the lobby for the meeting. A lot of fires had started in the kitchen because of this rule and there was always an awful lot of singed meat they never bought sitting in chairs afterwards too. They keep it in the back, just in case they run out.
When Pete returns from his wonderful trip up to the bell-tower (he loves the view up there) he can hear some residents complaining about the ring of the almighty staff meeting bell. Pete should note down their room number for... later- but he doesn't because there's a staff meeting and Pete is too excited. Although he's mentally made a note of it and the lovely couple on the fifth floor, room 967 might be getting payed a visit later. Not from Pete. He promises.
Pete is first there to the lobby and honestly, he is surprised because Brendon works in the lobby... so he should be here.
And now that the lobby is slowly filling he still doesn't see Brendon. Actually, he doesn't see Ryan either. Now that is suspicious.
"Attention faculty!" Pete calls across the lobby, almost everyone silences but when Pete clears his throat and projects 'The Look' everyone silences. "Yeah... Has anyone seen Ryan and or Brendon?"
The room all shrug and shake their heads, some mutter 'no' and others suggest that they're together, if you know what they mean.
Pete isn't pleased and reminds himself never to open an investigation bureau but he also reminds himself that he would be fantastic at it after he decides to 'hit them up' with an email as the other kids would say.
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From: releasethepete@aol.com
To: ryanschemicalromance@gmail.com
Subject: where u @ boi ????
is bden wiv u?? u missing da staf meating bro. also if u c some1 u think cld replace a certain cleaner (Kevin) let me kno
-pete
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From: releasethepete@aol.com
To: bdenhadalittlelamb@gmail.com
Subject: final warning
I mailed ry like 2 secs ago so hopefully u r togetha cuz thtd be easi. Ur missin r staff meeting and its important. Pls get here asap
-Peate
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From: ryanschemicalromance@gmail.com
To: releasethepete@aol.com
Subject: fuck you
We're coming, the whole town can hear your damn bell ringing.
-Ryan
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From: bdenhadalittlelamb@aol.com
To: releasethepete@aol.com
Subject: Re- final warning
Pete! Idek you had my aol!! :D
Do you like my email address? I changed it again :p
Anywhosies, ya I'm with ryro! We're coming now! See ya soon xxxooo<3:*
-Bee ;)
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Brendon and Ryan had finally gone out to lunch after Pete had made them miss their break with the whole dead body incident. So you can imagine how mad they were when they heard the damn Pete's-got-a-problem-bell and then the e-mail. Or how mad Ryan was, because Brendon Urie is a little ball of sunshine and is never mad. Unless you insult Ryan or Spencer. Or his lavender hoodie. Because then he'll probably punch you in the face. And he might let a certain manager check you in into a little room on the third floor.
Brendon and Ryan's food had not come yet and they'd be damned if they left before they ate. Ryan was not going to leave his bagel behind again.
The café was very busy, and although Ryan hated people he suffered through the lack of personal space because he was basically on a date with Brendon And because of the bagel.
But through all of the chaos of the 4 people in the café, Ryan saw a guy.
Ryan saw a few guys actually but this one was holding a kitten, and he looked a little troubled.
Ryan felt a moment of pity for the dude, and his kitten was so damn cute that he couldn't not help him. Plus Ryan was pretty sure it'd make Brendon happy. And Ryan liked to see Brendon happy.
"Hey!" Ryan called over the noise of the almost-full café. (It was a pretty small café.) All four people looked at Ryan, including the boy with the kitten. Ryan waved his hand to signal cat-boy over to him and Brendon (who smiled at Ryan so brightly Ryan felt light headed).
The cat-boy got up and walked over to them both, with a greatly confused expression. "Did you need something?" Ryan looked at Brendon who was making faces at the kitten, arm outstretched and a few seconds away from stroking the kitten. Or the boy. And Ryan didn't like the sound of the second one.
"Who's this little guy?!" Brendon almost squealed, firmly patting the kittens head so it purred, looking completely ecstatic with having Brendon's full attention
Ryan narrowed his eyes and checked Brendon and the boy weren't looking before he mouthed various threats to the kitten. "Stay the fuck away from my boy or I'll make you into a pair of fucking socks before you can even meow for help, you little whore." Ryan hissed, making small gestures to prove his point. The kitten looked genuinely scared and even looked at Brendon and then back at Ryan.
"What'd you say, Ry?" Brendon asked, taking his hand away from the kitten, to Ryan's pleasure, and smiling softly at him. "I said, 'What's his name?'" The boy didn't look at all convinced but Brendon did and that was all Ryan cared about. Even if he had to make the same threats to cat-boy to get him to shut up.
"Uh.. Dylan." He said, looking at Ryan uncertainly. "Oh cuuuute!" Ryan cooed, patting a little too roughly on Dylan's head.
"Awhh! Hewoo wittle wylan!" Brendon greeted it, lisping each word. Which Ryan would have found adorable. If it wasn't aimed at the kitten. Oh sorry, the tramp.
'Wittle Wylan' was about to meow in response but it looked at Ryan before it did and if cats could pale, this one would have been completely white when Ryan narrowed his eyes again and mouthed 'socks.' It peeled it's terrified stare away from Ryan and didn't even react to Brendon, instead cowered into his owner.
"Hey! Dylan..." Brendon pouted, folded his arms and sat back into his chair, feeling upset and pretty embarrassed. "That's... strange. He never does that."
"Yeah. Really weird. Guess Brendon should stick to wooing boys, eh Bren?" Ryan says falsely, putting so much emphasis on it any idiot could realise that that is exactly what he should not do. But Brendon being Brendon was oblivious and shrugged, "I'm not much good at that either."
"Oh please, Bren you could get anyone. Even someone in this café!" Brendon looked over to the boy who was holding the shaking kitten and looked as if he was considering him. "Anyway!" Ryan said sharp enough for Brendon to recognise he did something wrong because everyone knows that tone. Ryan's infamous for it. "What's your name then?"
"Jon." Jon said shortly, as if he didn't want to talk to Ryan anymore. "And what're doing here Jon?" Ryan said, his voice straining dangerously thin. Maybe Ryan's spent too much time with Pete... He really needs to stop hanging around him.
Jon gave Ryan a look that showed he was trying to figure out what Ryan wanted. Which is impossible because Ryan barely knows what he wants. Just that it has something to do with Brendon.
"Well, I'm here on Vacation from Chicago. Brought Dylan with me for the company-"
"You're single, Jon?" Jon nodded skeptically, "Have been for a while."
"Hmm, maybe you'll find someone here then, Jon. But not here, I shouldn't think." Jon seemed to catch on at that point and nodded firmly. "Yeah. Not here. I get it."
"I don't get it." Brendon said feebly, looking genuinely confused. Ryan wrapped his arm tightly around Brendon and laughed, which also sounded strained and dangerously thin. Ryan really needs to stay away from Pete.
"Nothing important, babe." Brendon blushed at the affectionate pet-name and was content with that answer. Jon nearly even smiled a little and Ryan could tell he'd be good friends with Jon.
"So, we called you over 'cause you looked a little troubled, Jon. What's troubling you, Jon?" Ryan almost sounded sincere, but the alpha-male possessiveness in him still made it sound a little bit of a warning. Like a trick question.
"Uh, yeah. I need a place to stay is all." Jon looked bashful talking about it. It was a bit dumb coming somewhere without having any accommodation. But they could fix that. Or maybe 'fix' wasn't the right word. But he would have somewhere to sleep (although Ryan wasn't sure it would be better than the streets).
"Well Jon, you're in luck! We work at a little motel on the corner of 4th and Fremont Street called 'The Lawyer and the Virgin.' How would you like to come with us and stay there?" Jon looked reluctant, very reluctant. Obviously he had heard about the motel and it's reputation. "Whatever you've heard probably isn't true." Ryan said firmly, glancing over to Brendon who looked guilty that they were lying to their potential best friend.
"Yeah." Brendon mumbled half heartedly. Ryan wasn't sure if it was from the rejection of the kitten or the guilt from the lying. Because whatever negative things Jon heard was absolutely true. It's quite a gross place. But it was so unappealing Ryan found it appealing. Once you accept the fact that you'd never get used to the smell anyone could feel the same as Ryan.
"Uh, I haven't really got much money." Ryan and Brendon exchanged worried glances. Pete would definitely find a way for Jon to raise money. It was how Ryan got stuck with his job.
"Our manager's very understanding. He'll be able to arrange something." Ryan heard himself say. Brendon raised an eyebrow and pressed his mouth near Ryan's ear (which made Ryan blush hard. which Jon noticed. Which made him blush harder) and said, "Did somebody replace Pete?" jokingly. Ryan laughed more than he should have and Jon looked at him with the same look he'd been giving him for the best part of ten minutes.
They left the café and hailed over a taxi. Ryan, Brendon, Jon and Dylan (the little skank) are now on their way to the hotel. And that's what you missed on Gle- uh.
"I've heard pretty bad things about this hotel. You sure it's as good as you say?" Jon says when they get out of the taxi. Brendon and Ryan look at each other nervously. They clear their throats simultaneously and Ryan speaks up first, "Uh... What did you say your name was?" He asks to stall for time to think of a way to say this.
"Jon."
"Jon, I'll be honest with you-"
"It's fantastic! Really, really nice. No deaths." Brendon interrupts Ryan, a single bead of sweat runs down his forehead. Brendon sweats when he's nervous. But an absolute stranger like Jon can't possibly know that.
"You sure? You're sweating a bit." Crap, he did know that. Jon's smart as hell. He's already figured out Ryan's undying love for Bren- Or... his manly crush on Brendon. It's hardly even a crush really. "I'm a little hot." Brendon fans himself with his hand and Jon almost laughs at him. Yeah, Jon certainly is smarter than they thought.
When they walk into the hotel, the staff meeting is still going on, but suddenly everyone's quiet. They all look to Ryan and Brendon... and then at Jon. Pete grins happily at the fact his two missing employees have arrived and they've brought someone with them.
Jon's face screws up, "What is that smell?" He asks, nearly gagging at it. Pete jogs over to them, an important, managerial, shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "That is the smell of business! And success!" He decides to leave out what it actually is. Jon frowns, covering his nose. "It smells like weed, vomit and..."
"Rat-spread diseases." Ryan mutters, earning a threatening glare from Pete. It's not quite 'The Look' but it's pretty intimidating. Or Pete likes to think so. He's tried it in the mirror so many times, he's sure it's scary.
Jon nods hastily, "Yeah, exac-"
"So, what's your name?" Pete interrupts, smiling manically. Jon's suspicious expression turns into sheer confusion but no terror, which is what Pete was hoping for. "Jon." He says, folding his arms over his chest.
"You want a room, Jon?"
"Well, I can't actually afford-"
Pete's grin increases, like he was hoping that's what Jon would say. "Perfect! In that case you can work to pay it."
Jon shakes his head and Pete's grin deflates. "I'm only staying here for a few days. Maybe I can transfer the mon-"
"Jon, can I speak to you in my office for a minute?" Ryan scoffs, "Pete you don't have an office." Pete actually does give Ryan 'The Look' this time but Ryan doesn't back down (which Brendon thinks is insanely courageous and brave and it makes his heart flutter a bit). "Stop looking at me like that!" He snaps, making the rest of the employees gasp. Because no one ever goes against 'The Look.' "I'm so sick of you thinking you can control us because you're a-" Brendon grabs Ryan's arm, "Don't." He says quickly and Ryan sighs in defeat, his face heating up when he realises that Brendon touched his arm ohmygod
Pete looks unaffected when Ryan is silent and doesn't say another word before he struts to his office, signalling Jon to go with him.
Jon hands Brendon, Dylan, which Brendon accepts willingly, forgetting the previous rejection and Dylan licks Brendon's face, forgetting the previous threat from Ryan. Ryan, however, sends another glare the kitten's way and it stops mid-lick, it's tongue then disappearing back into it's mouth. Ryan smirks victoriously.
Once the door is closed behind them Pete sits at his desk and states up at Jon. "Now, Jon. You said you were only staying a few days?" Jon nods, "Yeah, I-"
"Here's the thing, Jon. I need a new cleaner. The old one... left us." Pete giggles alarmingly and Jon takes a step back. "So you can work to pay off your debt to me. Will you do that for me, Jonny-Boy?"
"No, really I'm only here for a few days." Pete laughs again, only less insanely this time. "You'll come around. Oh, I must warn you though; You'll have to dispose of a few bodies for me every so often. And they may seem like murders, and it may seem like they all link to me but that is just not the case. Okay? Okay." He chuckles, stroking his index finger up and down his jawline. "Now! Lets go get you checked in, huh? Then you can start your job!"
"Pete, honestly I don't need a job. I'm only here for a few days-" Pete frowns, "So you keep saying. Although, Whatever gave you the idea that you will be leaving?" Pete smiles again and walks out, leaving an utterly puzzled Jon behind him.
*Happy Halloween everyone!*