So here I am, writing again, curled up, and sitting in an empty trough, in the depths of the countryside, miles away from the city.
I've never sat in a trough before. This is my first time.
It is noon, but it is a lovely, misty sort of afternoon, glowing, with the autumn sun mellow, and fuzzy about the edges, kind of reminding me of the poached eggs I had for breakfast this morning.
We came here, straight after I finished the workshop. You said you couldn't go another night without me, so I checked out, and said goodbye to a sullen Hina, who avoided my eyes and nodded dumbly, and I left. It was awkward hanging out with her after our disaster of a date, and I felt even worse when I tiptoed back into the hostel that night, after that madness in the park.
She stared at me accusingly when I came in, and said, a little spitefully, "Well, you certainly took your time, didn't you?" and looked at me, and I saw hurt, and pain, in her eyes. "He kissed you, didn't he?" she said dully, "your lips - they're all red, and swollen..."
"Yes..." I whispered, there wasn't any point lying, and she flinched, as if I had struck her.
"I don't understand," she said, and her voice was bitter, hard. "You warned me against him, you said he had a girlfriend, and then you go and make out all night with him."
I flushed, and stammered, "No, it's not like that, you've misunderstood, let me explain, we - "
But she cut in, and said coldly, "I'm not the least bit interested in your explanation. And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get some sleep...it's past 2 am" , and she turned stiffly to the side, away from me, and I couldn't see her face, but I could see, from her shaking shoulders, that she was crying.
Love is so cruel, isn't it, Jaemin? We're so self-absorbed, so caught up in ourselves, we don't realise that we're crushing, and trampling on other people's hearts along the way, all those innocent others, caught up somehow, and tangled with our lives. Hina liked you so much, and she still does, and I don't know if she'll ever stop liking you, but that's the way life goes; the lucky ones end up with the ones they love, but more often than not, it's a vicious merry-go-round of A loves B, B loves C, and C loves D, and so on. Loving can be so hard sometimes, and when you love someone who doesn't love you back, God, it hurts. So I'm sorry, Hina, I'm sorry I was such a selfish bitch, and I hope we'll never see each other again, because I can't look at you in the eye anymore. I'm too ashamed of myself.
So here we are, at the farmhouse, that you said you found through Airbnb, and dirt-cheap. We took two hours to reach here by train, and then it was a 20 minute trek through the woods, before we finally reached the farmhouse. You said it'd be a good learning experience for me. But I don't know, I'm so stressed, because I've never been on a farm before, and I know you haven't either.
You said, taking a big whiff, "It's lovely, isn't it? How fresh and clean the country air smells."
I almost choked, because all I could smell was the distinct, unmistakable smell of poo, fresh as well as dried - I wasn't sure from which animal exactly, lord knows there were so many: cows, pigs (lots of them, enough to fill a stadium at Wembley), and poultry and dogs (oh God, I am terrified of them) and cats, and some unknown creature - I'm not sure what it was exactly, it looked like a skunk, and then it leapt off, back into the trees. Come to think of it, it mightn't have been a resident of the farm, it could have come from the woods. And I felt even more terrified at the thought, who knew what other creature would emerge from those trees? A snake? Slithering between the sheets at night? Omg. I almost passed out at the thought. I caught at you, and you grinned at me.
"Are you feeling okay? You look a bit pale to me."
"Oh, I'm fine," I said faintly, "I'm just overcome by the - the beauty..."
"Really?" you said, and I saw the wicked gleam in your eyes, and all of a sudden, I knew, that you knew how terrified I was, this was your idea of a joke, and you seemed to be laughing at me behind that serious face of yours.
Fine, Na Jaemin. Two can play at that game. Let's see who breaks first.
"It's wonderful," I cooed. "Thank you for bringing me here. I LOVEEE it so much. It's like heaven, isn't it?"
You grinned widely, and hugged me to you.
"I knew you'd love it. I'm so attuned to your mind."
"Thank you, darling," I said sweetly, and kissed you. "We're going to have such fun."
I looked at you, and you acted all nonchalant, and patted my shoulder kindly, in a superior kind of way, and said genially, "We'll have a wonderful two days here, I know it, I can feel it in my bones", and I saw the fear in your eyes, and I knew straightaway, that you were lying through your teeth, and you were as terrified as me.
I smiled to myself.
Game on.
We strolled to the farm, after checking into our room.
"Let's go there," I said, pointing to the barn.
The eldery couple who owned the farm and ran it with a group of young farmhands, had told us to go to the barn.
"There are horses there," Mrs. Kim said, with a twinkle in her eye.
"I'll bet you city folks have never seen a horse in your lives," her husband guffawed.
Well, I have, actually. I had seen it the day before in that cowboy movie. It looked okay in the movie, just a bit tired. I hoped the horses we would be seeing here at the farm would be more upbeat. The desert can be so draining on the nerves.
So there we were, inside the stables.
"Hey, horse," you said, and struck a cowboy pose. "Howcha doing, chum? Want a carrot?"
"Do horses eat carrots?" I said doubtfully.
"Well, this one does," you said, as the horse started to chew the carrot in your hand.
"Where did you get that carrot from?"
"I stole it from the kitchen."
A movement at the partially open door of the stables caught my eye, and I let my gaze wander in that direction. I waited a moment. Oh, well, I must have imagined it. I turned back to you. You were saying something to the horse. "Good horsey. Nice horsey. Yeah, eat it up. Eat your carroty up. Uncle Jaemin's got lots more for you."
Don't tell me you had more carrots stuffed in your pockets.
"Do you have..."
The question formed on my tongue and would have rolled off my lips if a creature hadn't suddenly exploded out through the partially open door of the stables.
I screamed my lungs out.
"Holy, bloody . . . !" you breathed.
"It's a pig!" I screamed. "It's a freaking giant pig from hell!"
The monstrous pig - omg, it must have been the size of a full-grown lion - was hurtling across the lawn moving faster than any pig had a right to. It was an enormous porcine beast- surely that was all one could call it - this was no ordinary swine.
It was going to eat us up, there was no doubt about it.
It uttered a bloodcurdling OINK! and my blood ran cold.
The pig headed toward me, murder in its piggy eyes, and I shrieked, running in the opposite direction. Stunned by the sudden movement, the pig stopped, raised its snout, and let out a hellish squeal—and then another, and another, and . . .
"Will you shut up!" you commanded.
And the pig quietened down at once, and stopped in its rampage, and stared at you.
"Sit down!" you said, in a warning sort of voice.
And the pig sat down obediently, just like that.
A farmhand ran up to the pig, and led it back to the stables.
"Sorry about that," he said. "Damn pig escaped."
You straightened, and looked at me, triumph in your eyes, as I gaped at you, wonder in my eyes.
"I must have been a pig farmer in my past life," you said, grinning.
"You were awesome," I breathed, new respect in my eyes.