TWs: Mentions of Past Traumatic Experiences and Deaths
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It shouldn't have surprised him to see Dumbledore there. But it did almost as much as it worried him not to see the twinkle of mischief he had come to expect to see in the old wizard's eyes. He offered Sirius a sad smile having come out of a little room Sirius swore hadn't been in the medical ward last time he was here.
"Hello, Mr. Black. I'm glad you have agreed to see Mr. Lupin. It will do him a world of help to hear from his friends right now."
Sirius nodded but couldn't deny he felt anxious. He had seen a lot of dead people before, but that was in funerals and they were all old geezers that had been as unpleasant as they had been wrinkled.
Remus was a child. Even though he was still alive, he was in a coma. So would he look dead? Sirius imagined scenarios of what state his friend was in, each more gruesome than the next. He found it very hard to move his feet and had come to a stop, staring at the room he knew Remus was in with apprehension.
"Mr. Black, I assure you that if Mr. Lupin was in a state not appropriate for growing minds that I wouldn't be letting you see him."
This brought a great deal of comfort indeed. Remus couldn't be that bad then...right? Sirius was a Black after all. Even if that meant more shame than pride most of the time, he held himself like one and strolled through the hospital wing like he owned the place.
Walked into the little room where his friend was as if he had the authority to demand Remus wake up and it would be as easy as that. His bravado fell though as he walked over and stood at Remus' bedside. Most of him was covered up in thick sheets which Sirius should have realized would be the case.
Was he gruesome underneath the sheets?
He wanted to check but Dumbledore was quite literally breathing down his neck, and he didn't want to get kicked out. Each step he took the headmaster mirrored it, shuffling behind him as if he didn't at all trust Sirius to be alone with Remus. It felt unbearably awkward. Remus looked like he was sleeping, his face a little bruised but peaceful looking.
"Is he in pain?" he forced himself to ask, assuring himself he must not be.
"No. Madame Pomfrey is very good at her job." Came the calm reassuring words of the headmaster. Sirius just stood there for a few more minutes feeling weird.
"You know, some believe that while in a coma the patient can hear everything going around them."
"Can...can he really hear us?"
"Mmmm, I believe so. I suppose we will have to ask him once he wakes up, now won't we?"
Hearing Dumbledore's vote of confidence did wonders to increase Sirius' hope.
"Well then, wake up you lousy wanker," Sirius grumbled to the sleeping boy. It felt weird having a one-sided conversation, though his interactions with Remus typically started this way. He noticed the seat positioned by Remus' bed and sat down, unsure what else to say.
It felt a little awkward talking to a person who sort of looked dead. He shifted in his seat, wondering what to say. Then he glanced at Dumbledore, wondering if he planned to leave. The headmaster wasn't looking at him though. Instead, he was staring at a gold pocket watch-looking thing, his expression impossible to decipher. Sirius saw his chance and lifted the sheets a bit. Remus had his hands and wrists bandaged up, which seemed weird as they weren't bleeding or anything.
Dumbledore noticed and explained his body was currently too weak to withstand any type of magic as if this was an answer to Sirius' unasked question. Sirius didn't understand, but his thought process felt sluggish at the moment, and figured there'd be no reason for Dumbledore to lie, so he didn't press it. Instead, Sirius shifted again feeling strange.
"Professor, are you going to stand there the whole time?" he asked, unsure. Talking to his friend in a coma was hard enough as it was without the headmaster in the same room.
"No. I can see you want a private word with Remus. If you need me I'll be in my office," Dumbledore responded seriously, no joke or words of wisdom. He didn't even sound like himself, his tone a bit flat.
It scared Sirius but before he could say anything more the headmaster was gone. So he turned back to Remus watching him closely for any sign of life. He cleared his throat and closed his eyes trying to pretend his friend wasn't lying before him in a coma.
"You...you're a real jerk for scaring us like this. You need to come back and apologize. You better hurry and come back or else...well, or else I may kill Snivellus. You see I can tell he had something to do in all of this. It's just the sort of thing he'd be involved in. So if you don't come back then I'm going to kill him and I'll wind up in Azkaban and it will be all your fault. So there! I know you'd say it's not polite for me to kill someone, but I don't think it should count with Slytherins." Sirius sighed feeling crazy and dumb.
"Jokes aside. You know I'm not one for mushy talk, yeah? But you're my friend whether you want to be or not. And I think we can both agree you are my friend and want to be." Sirius had to smile a bit at this remembering Remus' stubborn insistence they were not friends until it became blatantly clear they were.
"And I miss you..." he finished rather lamely. He was afraid to touch Remus, afraid to find his skin would be cold and clammy and lifeless. But it didn't feel right for him to leave without doing anything. So he awkwardly patted Remus' shoulder on top of the blankets covering most of his body.
"I'll see you soon. I'll come back to visit soon. Only I'm not used to talking to someone in a coma so you can't laugh at me if I'm not good at it. Well, anyway, I better let the others come in and talk to you and I'm hoping Snivellus is there so I can kill him and avenge your honor." He meant to sound like James but it fell terribly flat. He cleared his throat and shifted awkwardly. He couldn't say bye. It sounded too final.
"See you real soon," he repeated again. It sounded better that way. Sirius both couldn't wait to leave and couldn't wait to see Remus again. Dumbledore was gone now but Sirius would take his words to heart. If talking to Remus every day would help then he'd do it. He'd do whatever it took to bring his friend back.
When he went out into the hall, Sirius was deeply disappointed to find that Snivellus had slithered back to his lair. He was a little relieved, if he was being honest, because he didn't really want to kill anyone.
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James had seen lots of dead people. His parents were old when they had him and he was young when both sets of his grandparents had passed away. This was different, which was certainly better than it being the same. He sat in the chair by Remus's bedside and found he couldn't come up with any words.
He looked at Remus' face, which still had color in it. It was the typical color he had as he often looked as pale as he did now. But there was still life. James had done a lot of thinking after finding out Remus was like this. He preferred to sort things out neatly in his mind, to think things through logically. Then he decided if he wanted to jump in emotionally.
But Remus' coma had jumbled everything up and James wasn't quite sure who he was anymore. He felt too old to be a boy and much too inexperienced to be a man. He felt he'd never be as carefree again, and in a sort of ridiculously tragic way felt his childhood had ended on that astronomy tower on a cold January night.
But he wasn't about to become all self-absorbed. This wasn't about him nor Peter nor Lily nor even Sirius. This was about Remus. Remus Lupin, who James knew very little about.
James realized he was fidgeting very badly and sat on his hands so he could think without being distracted. He should be thinking about things he knew for certain about Remus, other than obvious stuff like he was a human. James found a nervous laugh had escaped him, and he immediately felt horrible. Somehow, this allowed him to finally find his voice.
"Sorry Remus, I didn't mean to laugh at you. I...I never should have teased you about Lily. I just...well, I was just being dumb. I think you got that though. Even though you're pretty sensitive you're a surprisingly good sport." He leaned in slightly as if someone could overhear him, as if it wasn't just him and the boy in a coma.
"You're a better sport than Sirius, but don't tell him I said that. I was just thinking about all the facts I know about you. I prefer facts over the 'what-ifs' and the 'maybes' Sirius gets himself tangled in. Do you know what I mean? Oh geez, can you even hear me? No, I don't want to question things right now. My head hurts. But I'm making it about me again, sorry mate." He could almost hear Remus' kind assurance that it was fine. Almost.
"I guess you wouldn't mind if I did, huh? Guess that's a fact sort of...you really didn't, don't like to talk about yourself. I always thought you were a Muggle-born. Not that it matters or anything. I just...didn't know that...I don't know a whole lot. But I know some stuff. I know you're a fast learner. That's a fact." James smiled a little, his insides all squirmy and gross-feeling.
"To tell you the truth, I really thought you were nothing but a wet blanket in the beginning. You come across as one at first. Guess that's a fact though, and not a really nice one. If it wasn't for Sirius we'd never be friends. But you brought people together too, that's a fact. I held hands with Lily Evans the other night and I didn't feel the immediate need to wash my hands. I know if you could you'd laugh at that, even though it's not terribly funny. You're good at laughing at the right times and a good listener and a brilliant chess player and really kind and ..."
James found he couldn't go on anymore since he was getting choked. His father had always told him to keep his chin up, even in tough times. His mother had taught him to always have hope. But he was finding it was harder to listen to their advice than it had ever been before.
"Guess I shouldn't take too long. Sirius, well, I thought for sure he'd take longer and he didn't. Guess it weirded him out too. Uh,.not that you're weird or anything. Well, you are, but in a good way. The same way the rest of us are, our group. Hm, we really ought to come up with a better name than the boys in room two, floor seven or five, or whatever it is. I can't even remember what floor we live on right now. You have me all mixed up. But...er, that's not your fault. Really it isn't. You are always so quick to blame yourself, and that's also a fact."
James wiped his cheeks but the tears just wouldn't seem to stop. He knew it wasn't fair to make this about himself but he kept remembering his grandparents' funerals, that they were underground being eaten by worms now and Remus might be joining them, and none of this was fair.
Madam Pomfrey came into the room, for Remus had his own hospital room, which James thought was cool. James didn't even know these rooms existed... just like he hadn't known the passage to Honeydukes existed.
He wanted to go back to that time. It couldn't have only been a few months ago? Even time felt wonky now all upside down and figure eights and he wasn't even making sense anymore. He knew, recognized he was sobbing like a baby, not quite as broken yet composed as Sirius had, nor was he attempting to be quiet like Peter.
He was wailing like a baby, like he was that five years old who broke his nose sneaking onto his dad's broom. It took the Matron a while to calm him down. He finally accepted the tonic she gave him under the condition she swore not to tell Sirius.
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It wasn't fair that Potter got to go before her. If only she hadn't taken that tonic that made her so tired and sluggish. She didn't like being sluggish. She wanted to be one step ahead of everything and everyone. She pretended she didn't realize what people thought of her, but she knew.
They weren't wrong. She was bossy and a know-it-all. She just loved magic and learning so much!
"Madam Pomfrey, where is he?" she asked her voice much too high for her liking. At least no one had teased her about it last night. Not that they ever would, even Potter wasn't that terrible, and he was pretty terrible. The matron came over to her and led her to Remus' bedside.
"Oh, Remus!" she cried, rushing over to him and burying her face in his chest. It helped to hear the faint thump-thump of his heart and it made it worse to feel how cold he was. She let him go, wiping the tears away, and sat in the little chair set aside for them.
She was just a bossy little know-it-all and somehow Remus had wanted to be friends with her. He was so kind to her and listened to her better than Sev did, though she'd never admit that to a single soul.
She looked down at his face. He seemed to be sleeping, but he looked much more peaceful. She had seen Remus asleep, back when he'd curl up on the couch either too afraid or not allowed to go to his dorm. She had a bad habit of sleepwalking and that's how she had realized he was in the common room, after waking quite suddenly upon banging her toe on a chair leg.
He had been tossing his blankets off, his face scrunched up, his cheeks damp with tears. When Remus asked Lily why she had intervened she had told him it was because his grades were slipping. But really it was when Lily had seen Remus so distressed that night that she knew she had to do something to help her friend. It wasn't until much later Lily realized the bullying from Sirius hadn't caused such a pained expression on his face that night, that it was something much worse.
She realized quite suddenly she wasn't saying anything out loud. The whole point was to talk to Remus, not to get lost in thoughts. She had been doing that for hours. If this was a homework assignment she was sure she would have failed it.
Only this wasn't a homework assignment, this was her dear friend lying unmoving on a bed. She wished his face would scrunch up with fear, or whatever bad emotion had caused his nightmares that night. She would prefer that over this blank face peaceful Remus because the other Remus she could have woken from a bad dream. She had no way to wake him from this.
"I'm so sorry, Remus. You deserve a better friend than me. I shouldn't have been so cross with you...w...what if those are the last words I ever get to say to you?" Her promise not to cry didn't last long at all. She knew Remus was sorry, knew he had been dragged into the prank, but she had let it anger her so much.
"I'll be better if...when you wake up, I promise. I'll listen more and talk less though you don't seem to want that. Well at the very least, I'll hear you out when I'm mad. I promise, Remus. So please come back."
She was being 'such a girl.' That's what Sev told her in his 'you're making me uncomfortable tone' he always got when she cried. Remus had seen her cry before, usually about Sev who often accidentally hurt her feelings. Remus had never told her she was 'such a girl'. He seemed to know what to say, when to offer words of comfort, when to listen, and when to hug her.
"You must have learned that from your mother. I bet she's a wonderful woman." Lily paused, a sick dread filling her. Why didn't Remus' mother come to visit him? What about his father? Was she that sick? Did they care he was here? Did they know?
Of course, they knew!
In Hogwarts Medical Maladies over the Years, she read that ever since the 1700s it had been mandatory to alert guardians of illnesses or injury. It was the sort of thing Remus would find interesting, so she repeated it out loud for him. She wished he'd open his eyes, give her that small crooked smile of his and ask her what caused the reform or did this bring forth controversies, or some other wonderful question that showed he really was paying attention.
"Remus, why aren't your parents here?" she asked him in a small voice, as if he'd respond. Her eyes went to where his arm was laying next to him on the bed. She remembered the scar she had seen poking from his long sleeve.
It seemed logical to assume there were others, but she hoped that wasn't the case. Back when she had gone to Muggle primary school, there was this boy named Benjy. One day Benjy was gone and she was told he'd moved. She hadn't been friends with him or anything, but she would never forget hearing her parents discussing him in hushed voices years later.
Apparently, his father would beat Benjy and his mother watched. Apparently, Benjy's mother had helped his father bury the body.
Lily still got cold every time she remembered that.
Truthfully, it's why she had sought Remus out in the first place. He was so skinny and jumpy that she had been reminded in a terrible way of Benjy. It seemed just like with Benjy she could do nothing to help, only now she was older and a wizard, and why didn't that seem to matter?
"Remus, I'll research magical induced comas and everything like it," she vowed to him, which made her feel a fraction of a bit better. She didn't like sitting by and watching, doing nothing. She needed to do something, feel like she was helping somehow.
"I'll find something, Remus." Though she knew it was arrogant to presume she could find something when adults could not. Still, she had to try, and it felt better than admitting she couldn't do anything.
"I'll visit you soon. But if it takes a while, it's because I'm going to spend every last free minute researching." She didn't bother asking if he understood. She knew he didn't and it made her heart ache.
She felt she was taking too long and the heavy silence was beginning to scare her. She stood up, smoothed her robes, leaned over and gently kissed his cheek goodbye. She had done it without thinking. It seemed like the best thing to do, but she wouldn't be forgetting the almost waxy feel of his cold cheek on her lips any sooner than she'd forget the night she learned about Benjy and just how cruel the world could be.
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Dorcas found this ridiculous. She wasn't even friends with Remus. Not really.
She didn't really deserve to be included in the miserable group, part of her wished she hadn't. She had only had a few conversations with the boy and never really had a whole conversation with him without Lily leading it.
Sure, Remus was nice and all and she'd be lying if she said she wasn't upset. But she felt like an imposter sneaking into a private funeral of close family and friends. Well, she didn't think any of the boy's family was here, not that she'd seen anyways. She also really hoped he wouldn't die.
She let her hand run across the smooth material of her new quill holder. Part of her wanted to tear it up and forget Remus had given her it, forget he existed. But she knew she could no more do that then she could resist the pull of her legs that carried her to the chair beside the sleeping boy. At least he didn't seem to be in any pain. That was good.
She felt like stone, unmoving in the chair that was now hers. She didn't like how Remus looked. It reminded her of her cousin. Six when she drowned. She'd been in a coma for several weeks then she had died.
Dorcas looked away from Remus, reminded too much of her cousin to bear it. Perhaps it would be different this time. This was the wizarding world after all. So why did everyone seem just as powerless here as they had been back home?
She knew she didn't get to grieve. No, she'd have to be strong for Lily, no matter what happened. Lily who wore her heart on her sleeve who thought she was all logic but teetered dangerously close to being driven by emotion instead. Dorcas knew she really was driven by logic, at least that's what her parents always said.
That's why they had no doubt she'd do well in school. But with everything that seemed to explode out of nowhere she wasn't sure she'd be able to do quite so well. She stood up, nearly knocking her chair over. She wished she hadn't seen Remus. Now every time she closed her eyes she'd see his face and then it would morph into her freckled cousin.
She scowled before realizing if there was a chance Remus could hear and somehow see her. Dorcas' aunt had been convinced her cousin had been able to. If that was the case, then Remus probably was thinking she was mad at him.
"You shouldn't be so sensitive, Remus." She sighed.
"It's not you, it's me. Look, I suppose if you ever wake up I owe you a conversation. Don't want to leave you sad, so cheer up. I bet you'll be better in time to see us kick Slytherin's asses...in Quidditch of course. But yeah...this is weird for me, so don't expect me to visit again. Just get better so we can get to know each other better I guess."
Figuring this was good enough because she didn't really believe she was being watched or heard right now, she shot him one last uncomfortable look and left.
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"He won't...won't turn into a zombie, will he?" Peter whispered fearfully to the Matron. She blinked at him. She had dark circles under her eyes and he thought she was going to scream at him. Instead, she tilted her head back and laughed uproariously.
"A zombie! That's the last thing he'd need! Another creature! Goodness, I've never heard such a ridiculous thing. Thank you for that dear, I needed that."
She smiled at him kindly. Peter had meant the question to be a serious one and now felt rather dumb. However, the Matron was always very nice to him. He knew he shouldn't sulk too much if he had gotten her to laugh like that.
Plus, she really did seem to need it. He followed her into a little back room he hadn't known existed, even though he had been in the hospital wing several times. Then again, perhaps it hadn't been there and now was. His grandfather was really good at creating rooms. Perks of being a wizard and all.
The matron left him at the doorway and Peter stood there frozen. It's not that he was afraid of Remus. Out of all his friends he knew Remus would be the least likely to hurt him, accidental or otherwise.
Unlike Sirius and James, the few times Remus had hurt his feelings he had known it and apologized sincerely. It made it hard to be mad at Remus, and Peter felt terrible he was so mad at him right now.
He knew that everyone thought that Remus hadn't jumped out the window himself, but what if he had?
He knew Sirius might kill him if he suggested it and he reckoned James would be cross with him as well. But when a farmer down the lane had killed himself, everyone had been shocked because he was always smiling so much. As nice as Remus was, he didn't smile nearly as much as that farmer had.
Plus Remus' mom was sick, not only sick but dying. If his mother was dying he didn't think he'd want to stay around to watch either. Well, if it wasn't for his aunts, uncles, little brother, and soon-to-be niece/nephew. How big was Remus' family? Did he have a sibling?
Sirius talked to Peter less than Remus did, and Peter knew he had one little brother who he described as a "suck up," though not as much as after their break for some reason. But Peter didn't even know if Remus had a sibling. Now that he thought about it, he realized he and James had been so worried about Sirius snooping around too much that they hadn't really ever asked Remus many questions.
This made Peter sad. He liked Remus an awful lot. But Peter still didn't move away from the doorsill. He was afraid the Remus over there wouldn't look like the Remus he remembered.
It scared him. Since James wasn't here to make him (not that he really could, as Remus reminded him patiently many times) he didn't feel particularly pressured to. He knew Remus would understand. Remus always understood.
"I...I'm over here, Remus," Peter began awkwardly, because Sirius had angrily declared if they didn't all at least say something to Remus he'd hex them into next week.
"I just...can't go in. I'm sorry I'm angry with you. I'm trying not to be. I just...it's hard not to be." Peter wiped his eyes and wished he could stop his tears better, the way Remus seemed to be able to, and even Sirius.
"You have to come back soon. Then you can tell us you didn't do this and it's all a big misunderstanding like with the letters. Then you can tell us if you have siblings...or if you don't. I know it makes you sad to talk about your family...but maybe you could, for a bit?"
Peter waited for a response he knew wouldn't come. He dared to take another step and teetered on the idea of going closer. However, the unnaturally long silence convinced him otherwise. With one last apology to his friend, he left.