Part 8
A few hours before my surgery, Ben actually left his room for once, and sat with me out in the front porch. The grass feeling spiky beneath my palm, but I could feel the fresh wave of the sun beam on my face and that’s what I pretty much enjoyed about being outside. The warmth, the breeze, all the feelings. I took it all in, knowing that just next week I could be sitting here but looking at the colour of the grass, looking at the colour of the sky and seeing the shapes of the clouds. Ben would always tell me that cloud looked like a bunny, or a flower, or a tree, but I’d always tell him I didn’t know how any of that looked like.
I knew a bunny was fluffy, it’d feel soft. And a flower felt thin, but I knew it was beautiful.
“Don’t freak out when you see me.” Ben says, cupping my hand in his as a reminder that he was there for me. I turned towards him, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I mean, we kinda look the same. Like, a lot the same and I know I’m not the hottest guy on the planet–”
“Ew, Ben, that’s gross.”
“Wow, just a few hours before the surgery and you’re already insulting me.”
“No, just, I mean, you’re going to always be my brother, no matter what.” I assure, raising my finger to poke his cheek to annoy him. He always hated it when I did that, especially when he didn’t shave that morning and I could feel the sprouts of new hair.
“Come here.” He says, forcing my head against his shoulder, “I know I haven’t been the best brother, and I probably don’t deserve the best brother of the year award this year even though I tried so hard, but you gotta know that everyone around you loves you for you. Dad loves you, I love you and even though I find this kinda gross, Noah loves you too. Mum loved you, that old cat lady we used to live next to and all her cats loved you, everyone loves you but the world isn’t a pretty place. All the pretty things you see all have their downsides, the bad sides and you need to be prepared for what you see.” I lean into Ben’s side, nodding as he speaks but I could feel my eyes close, and myself falling asleep.
“I actually think I’m really handsome.” Ben mentions one last time, and that’s all I remember.