//Author's Note//
Hey guys! I hope you're enjoying my story. As you can see I'm dealing with 'age-difference' here which is quite a sensitive issue, and one of my main characters is a minor, I should properly explain the terms regarding Chronophilia, so that there remains no misconception.
Chronophilia: Where an individual experiences sexual attraction limited to individuals of particular age ranges. Pedophilia, Ephebophilia, Gerontophilia all are different forms of Chronophilia.
Pedophilia: A psychological disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a sexual preference for prepubescent children, meaning children less than 13 years old. It's a paraphilia and most definitely, a criminal offense. And in this story, since Eren is already 17, this in no way falls under Pedophilia. It's a term most commonly misused and misunderstood.
Ephebophilia: Ephebophilia is the primary sexual interest in mid-to-late adolescents, generally ages 15 to 19. Now this is something we can actually associate with Eren and Levi. But actually, that would be incorrect too. Because Ephebophilia is used only to describe the preference for mid-to-late adolescent sexual partners, not the mere presence of some level of sexual attraction. As for Levi, he was attracted to Eren because he thought Eren was older, he wasn't attracted to him because he PREFERS mid-to-late adolescents. And no, Ephebophilia is not a criminal offense, because it only refers to the preference, not an actual act.
Statutory Rape: This one is a criminal offense, because it refers to the sexual act itself. Statutory rape is nonforcible sexual activity in which one of the individuals is below the age of consent, usually refering to adults engaging in sexual contact with minors. Now in our story, if Eren and Levi do end up having sex before Eren hits 18, THAT would be statutory rape which is, of course, a punishable crime. And yes, it will be a crime even if Eren consents, because he is a minor.
Sorry for the long talk, but it was an important thing to explain. Now on with the story!
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When I return to my own house, the clock reads 11:12 pm.
"Mikasa called", my mother tells me.
Oh yeah, she did ask me to call her tonight, didn't she? After the series of events that happened a while back, you can't really blame me for letting it slip my mind.
"She asked you to call her back. Said it's urgent", mom adds.
I'm almost tempted to ignore it and go up to my room. The past hour is still taking its toll on me. I feel exhausted.
But seeing the way mom is eyeing me, I deem it safer to just give her a call and get it over with. So I walk towards the living room where I left my phone earlier and dial her number.
She picks up at the first ring.
"Eren!"
"Yeah, mom said you called", I keep talking while walking up the stairs. "Sorry, I was outside with Hange and Levi. I'd have called you after getting back."
I wouldn't have, but a little lie won't hurt anyone.
"Ah, yes. Mrs. Jaeger told me. Actually, I need to talk to you about something."
Why does she sound nervous? Mikasa is never nervous.
"What is it Mika? Anything wrong?"
"No, no! I'm fine", she pauses. "Eren, it's... about Levi."
Levi...?
I'm telling you. This universe is plotting against me!
"Eren...?" she calls my name when I don't reply for a while.
"What? Ah! Oh, yeah. Sorry." Compose yourself, Eren. "What about him?"
She hesitates for a second. I can feel it even over the phone. "Well, you remember what I said, right? About him being a distant relative..."
"Yeah..." I place a pillow against the headboard of my bed and lean my upper body against it while my lower body rests on the bed.
"He's actually... Uncle Kenny's nephew. My cousin."
That's new.
"Wow! Then why didn't you say so?" I ask casually. "Why did you say that he's a distant relative?"
I hear her sigh. "That's because I didn't know what to say. I became flustered seeing him all on a sudden. I never expected to see him with someone I know, least of all with you!"
"The world works in the funniest ways", I reply with a bitter taste in my mouth.
"Eren?!" she sounds alarmed. "What happened?"
I sigh. "Not now, Mika. I'll tell you some other time."
"It's about him, isn't it?"
"Mikasa–"
"Eren, I saw the way you were looking at him. Don't try to deny it."
"..."
"Do you... do you like him?"
I laugh. I actually laugh. This is the most ironic question for me right now. And even though I've got a pretty good idea about the answer, I'm too afraid to accept it yet.
"I don't know..." Yeah. It's better this way. Neither accepting, nor denying.
"Eren, I don't know if you know yet, but that guy is over thirty!"
I laugh again. It sounds dry. My throat feels dry. "Yeah, he just told me."
The other side remains silent for a long time. So I continue. "And you know what, Mika? The guy I have a crush on just basically told me he's old enough to be my uncle and all I can think is how lonely I'll be once he's gone", I take a breath. "Why don't I feel disgusted Mikasa? I should, right?"
"Eren..."
"He's doing the right thing. He's staying away from me. Said it's the best for both of us. B–But I..."
"Calm down Eren", her voice gets loud for a moment. "Armin and I are coming over tomorrow. We'll sort it all out together."
"He's leaving tomorrow."
"I-I know..." she sounds unsure. This doesn't go unnoticed by me.
"What's the matter?"
"Eren, I think I should tell you everything I know about Levi", she pauses. "But not over the phone. I'll tell you when we meet tomorrow."
"You sound weird Mika. What could be worse than him being twice my age?"
"..."
"Mikasa?" I ask, suddenly afraid to hear anything more.
"Forget about him Eren", she finally says. "He's right. It really is the best."
See, told you I was afraid to hear more.
"There's something else, isn't it?" I croak.
"..."
"Tell me."
"Eren, I don't think you should–"
"Mikasa", my voice is surprisingly calm. "Tell. Me."
She hesitates for a moment before replying.
"Levi has a daughter. Isabel."
I'm confused. A guy in his thirties having a little kid shouldn't be that much of a surprise, right? But does that mean... he has a wife too? B-But that's ridiculous, right?! I mean, he wouldn't have behaved the way he did towards me if he was already committed to someone. He's not that kind of person. Is he?
"So, he's married?!" I ask in a panicked voice.
"What? No! He's a single father."
I sigh in relief. "O-kay. How is this worse than his age?" I'm even more puzzled now. "Mika, I don't think I understand."
"Well, Eren you're 17..."
"Yes, I've heard that several times tonight", my voice is impatient. What is she implying anyway?
"Isabel Ackerman is 14 years old", she says slowly.
I freeze.
"Izzy..." "...fourteen!"
My mind has gone blank. I can't think. I can't feel. By some miracle, the phone still stays in my grip.
"Eren", Mikasa's voice comes floating in. "That man's got a daughter almost as old as you. Do you understand now?"
I hang up.
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Darkness is soothing. You don't have to see anything. Know anything. Just a blissful ignorance that embraces you and gives you comfort.
And the silence. If darkness is the one to embrace, then silence is the one who runs their fingers through your hair. Soft and tender touches that calm your nerve.
This is exactly why I'm here. Sitting on the rocking chair in my room with all the windows blinded and the lights switched off. From the outside it probably looks like nobody's inside. But here I am. Seeking comfort in the darkness. Drowning my mind in the silence.
I'm scared.
Too many things happened within so little time that I'm barely able to process it. Has it really been just two days? Two fucking days and my life has turned upside down. Two days with one Levi Ackerman – and I'm a mess!
I wonder. Would I still have fallen for him if I knew the facts? His age, or that he has a daughter.
A daughter almost my age. I think bitterly.
There's a tiny corner in my mind that whispers "Yes, you would have."
No! I try to shut the voice down. I wouldn't. I-I couldn't!
... I can't.
"You already have" – the voice in my head hums softly, as if trying to comfort me.
My shoulders sag in defeat. What do I do now? How can I even face myself? I never thought life would play such a dirty trick on me. Giving me someone to fall for and then creating boundaries that are impossible to overcome.
How can I come to terms with the fact that the guy who captivated me is in fact the father of another kid like me? It's so absurd! I should be disgusted with myself for even considering the possibility of something like this. And then, there's the fact that he likes me too. Even though he'll most likely never admit (and for obvious reasons!), but I can feel it in my heart. Not that it matters. Because if you think rationally, it's supposed to gross anyone out! Hell, it'll probably be seen as pedophilia or some shit like that.
(A/N: Again, this is NOT pedophilia. But Eren is a carefree 17 years old who obviously doesn't know too deeply about these stuff. So he's going with the common misunderstanding here)
My mind cringes at the thought of putting Levi and Pedophile together. If I'm not wrong, he's also disgusted with himself for feeling this way towards me. And avoiding me is his way of trying to rectify the situation.
He's right. It's the best for both of us. After all, a future together is something neither of us can even hope for. So, it's better to end it all and bury these tiny sparks of feelings right now.
Before they can turn into a flame and burn us both into ashes.
I close my eyes. Too worn-out to drag myself to bed. But sleep eludes me. I put my hands behind my head and start rocking the chair slowly.
I see blue. A sky with the bluest hue I've ever seen, with white puffs of clouds floating overhead. The clouds keep changing shapes, sometimes resembling a bunny, sometimes a dragon and sometimes just vague abstract forms.
I look ahead. And I see myself. Wearing a moss green t-shirt with simple black shorts. Standing in front of the ocean with waves reaching as high as my knees. I look peaceful, and happy.
How am I seeing myself with my own eyes? Who knows. Somehow it just feels natural.
I close my eyes and listen. The wind makes weird noises. The roaring of the waves adds with it and makes a unique tune. A tune that is wild to the ears, but soothing to the heart. I watch the ocean. It's reflecting the sky, daring to outmatch its endlessness with its own depth. The ocean is the symbol of life. Waves crashing on the shore, never stopping, never ending. It's wild, but beautiful. It's the kind of beauty that gives you the taste of danger, that warns you not to get too close. But you are too captivated to care anyway. It's a beauty you can't look away from. It hypnotizes you, enchants you with its bare fangs. And before you know it, you are pulled into a whirlpool.
The ocean reminds me of someone. But I can't exactly put my finger on who it is. Is it someone I know? Or is it just a feeling hidden in my subconscious?
I turn my eyes back to myself, and I see him. The one who is like the ocean. Threatening, but enchanting. Ominous, but captivating. My senses tell me that I should be staying away from this man.
No, that's not right. It's more like – I'm supposed to stay away from this man.
Then why are his arms wrapped around me so gently right now? And why do I look so content, like I'm finally where I belong? I watch this mystery man as he stands on his tiptoes and rests his chin on my shoulder. What's his name? I feel like I know, but I can't remember. I see us watching the ocean together, hands wrapped around each other and a soft smile on both our faces. The sun emits a warm glow and his silky black hair shines like polished onyx. His cheekbones seem more defined and his lips more plump. Those eyes that I admire the most sparkles a unique shade of silvery blue, something I've never seen before. Our bodies fit together nicely, and I find myself wondering why I'm supposed to stay away from this happiness.
I watch the man, then myself, then him again. And suddenly, two wings rise from his back. Wings longer and broader than I've ever seen, the kind angels are supposed to have. His wings are beautiful just like the rest of him. Decorated with long and shiny feathers, not a single one out of place. One white, another black.
Light and dark.
Glow and shade.
Charming and mysterious.
Like the ocean.
Like him.
He stretches the wings wide, flaps them lightly once, twice. Then slowly lowers them until we're both enveloped in them. I see myself smiling wider. And suddenly, his name is on my lips.
Levi.
I jolt awake. Body trembling and heart racing, I try to gather my thoughts. What just happened? Was I dreaming?
I look around myself, but it's too dark to see anything. I wait until my eyes adjust, then stand up. My head hurts. I walk over to the window that faces the road and open the blinds. Cold wind gushes in, making me clatter my teeth. I inhale deeply and the haziness deflates a little. I stare outside, watching nothing in particular and try to recall what I dreamt about. Nothing comes in mind at first. Then I remember waves, and wings. And silvery blue. One thing gets mixed into another and creates a shapeless memory that I can make nothing out of. All I remember is a whisper of a name. A name I'm painfully familiar with. And a dull ache in my chest.
I touch my cheeks. They're moist.