NOAH HART
Love at first sight.
I never believed in the phrase.
Attraction, lust, at first sight was definitely real but love? How could you ever determine that you love somebody just from looking at them for the first time? It was completely stupid.
Love was more than just looks.
When you see someone for the first time, all you see is looks. Some would call this the attractiveness halo effect. This basically entails that because someone you see looks attractive, their personality must be attractive too. They have a pretty smile so they must be kind, caring, and extremely lovable.
Now that, I completely believed.
When my parents were together, they claimed that the first moment that they saw each other, all they saw was love. They said the world stopped and in that very moment, all they saw was each other. Nothing else mattered. They didn't care that when my father had stopped, the waiter accidentally spilled a plate of drinks onto him. They didn't care that my mother was with her boyfriend at the time. They saw each other and they fell in love.
Keyword: were.
They are no longer together. They spilt when I was seven, which was the exact age I figured that love was completely blasphemy. It wasn't real, it was just an excuse to have sex with anybody that you wanted to. I learned that just by saying I love you to a woman, her panties dropped faster than a woman's at a Trey Songz concert.
Back to my point. Love at first sight and love were two things that my brain could never grasp the idea of. People boasted on and on about love. I didn't get it. It's the same thing with being married.
People get married and divorce eventually, so why not save yourself the heartbreak?
I had seen what the heart break did to my mother. Why would anyone want to go through that?
My mother says that in the end, love is worth every trial and tribulation you go through. She still loves my father, although they've been apart for eighteen years — even though they've really been apart for twenty-two years.
But twenty months ago, one moment made me change eighteen years of my stubborn opinion. I made the best decision of my life.
Yes, I made it completely intoxicated so to others it may seem like it was dumb. It exactly what I needed, though. Call it a wake up call if you will.
I had my fair share of women, I can and will admit that. Being the picky man that I was, not a lot of women matched the criteria I searched for in a women. I was particular about who I fucked and who I didn't. My mother made this so.
She is always saying 'I won't raise a man who wants to be with any and everybody. You will not be like that. You're too sweet for that. You're a gentleman.'. So I tried my best to not disappoint her.
That night, I didn't fuck anyone.
I made love to the absolute woman of my dreams.
Love at first sight, if you will.
While that night wasn't the first night I had seen her, it was the first night I decided to act upon my feelings. The previous nights I had saw her she was either with someone or she was dancing on the floor. But that night, I knew I was craving something more. I was craving the constant connection and attention between us.
So, I went up to her. I could smell the mango scented whatever that she used. It was more intoxicating than the alcohol we'd both been consuming.
When I asked her to tell me about herself and she stammered before saying she wants a baby, I almost fucking lost it.
She had a pretty smile and a pretty personality.
I could tell just by the way the slight red blush spread under her silky brown skin. I knew it wasn't just from the alcohol.
That very statement had made me fall in love — hard.
I had never been determined to give someone something they wanted than I was that night. My sex drive was doing over time — I didn't know if it was from having sex with the woman of my dreams or if it was because I hadn't had sex in almost two years.
I wanted her to be pregnant. I needed her to be pregnant. So, I did absolutely everything in my power to get her pregnant.
We had sex nonstop.
I still remember the way she milked my dick every time I came inside of her. It drove her crazy; the feeling of me releasing myself into her. She loved it. Every single time I felt myself closer, she'd hold me against her as I jerked. It would instantly make her come.
It was hard to believe that she was a virgin if I hadn't seen the small amount of blood and felt her barrier tight around me.
Fuck, just thinking about it made my dick swell.
After I left her that night — which I admit, was the hardest thing for me to ever do — I kept up on her.
She did indeed get pregnant, having the baby on October 30th, little to no complications. A healthy baby boy she named Sebastian Michael Carter.
Briella got her wish and I couldn't be more fucking happier. I was definitely happier.
That was my redemption.
I had finally fucking did something right in life.
"I'm going out." I decided, pushing my thoughts away while Kaden sipped on a whiskey.
My half brother, an idiot, darted his eyes up to me before asking me to repeat myself.
"I'm going out. I have to get something done." I say, grabbing my car keys and phone. Kaden leans back onto the couch and looks out the large window. It allowed use to oversee everything that was happening in the club while we stayed here.
"Okay. I'll have Jermaine close up. I'm on my way out as well. We can ride together." Kaden offers, his brown eyes looking up to me.
"No, that's fine." I stammered. I knew where I was going and if he knew, he'd definitely give me shit about it for the rest of my life. Older brother courtesy.
"Alright..." he trails off, looking at me weirdly. Kaden gives me the once over before using the door to his left.
Kaden was my brother, only by my father's side. He's older than me a day less than a month, exactly. Kaden was born the second of December, while I was born the first of January.
Our father had not been seeing two woman at the same time. Kaden's mother was pregnant, unbeknownst to my father, and my mother got pregnant within a couple weeks of knowing my father.
Yeah, I know and I told you.
That love at first sight bullshit.
Anyways, so Kaden, beat me by a month and was crowned the official big brother crown.
It's all love, I love my mothers. Both of them. Katherine, my stepmother, was one of the best people I knew. She was a pretty black woman who was about 5'4ish. She was shorter than my actual mother. When we were little, every time I went over to her house she would let us order food from the chinese joint or pizza shop. Usually, we chose chinese.
Kaden enters the room again, a small baggie in his hands that I knew contained some strand of marijuana.
Amira, my mother, was one of the strongest people I knew. She always knew just what to say and kept a positive outlook on everything — despite what she's been through. Even after I left to go live with my father, she still stuck by me no matter what. Even through my asshole phase, where I thought not talking to her for something she had no control over was for the best, she still stuck by and supported me.
"Oh, I saw that girl a couple weeks ago. What does she drive, a Tesla? It was either her or her boyfriends car." He says, opening the plastic bag. Almost immediately, the smell filled the room. "This shit stronger than Weezy's shit."
"Who?"
"Lil Wayne? Lil Tunechi? You know 'open up her mouth and she catch it like Braylon. Young Weezy F., the F is not for failing.'. Come on, we just went to his concert when we were in Virginia Beach like three weeks ago."
"No, idiot, I mean who has a boyfriend?" I clarify, my eyes squinting while I hope he didn't mean who I thought he meant.
"Oh! That girl you used to talk about nonstop. Briana? Nah, Ella. Briella. I saw her and she hopped out of the car and kissed this white boy that was running. Obviously they aren't strangers. He got in the car though." Kaden shrugs, rolling his blunt. He sparks up, gazing at me.
"Where did you see her?" I question. I had seen her multiple times since that night but that's only because I was looking for her. She was low key type person, so I find it hard to believe that Kaden just bumped into her.
"She was driving, but I'd recognize that smile from anywhere. I could get off to that smile. She turned in front of me and her window was down." Kaden says before offering me a hit from the blunt. I shake my head, remembering I'm about to leave.
"Don't talk about her like that."
"Sorry, baby. Didn't realize your name was on that." He teases, laughing while letting the smoke escape through. I roll my eyes as I open the door, looking back at Kaden.
"Trust me; my name is all over that." • • •
One thing I learned as a kid was how to climb a tree. My little brother was always a bit of a wild child, which led Kaden and I to look after him. I never, and I mean never, saw Kaden actually get in the tree. He was always laid back and refused to go outside. He just was not a outside person. He was allergic to both grass and mosquitos and nine time out of ten, you're bound to cross both while outside.
So, I learned how to climb a tree to climb after the little rascal. There was one time where the branch wasn't steady enough to hold us — it resulted in a scar from my shoulder to my chest and a scar from his calf to his upper thigh.
That was some years ago. Here I was, an adult, climbing into a tree.
The tree was almost perfect level with the second floor. It wasn't large, and I don't know trees, but it was the perfect size for a teenager to climb. I wouldn't recommend for younger kids.
The window was slightly ajar, as usual. I push my fingers underneath, lifting slowly so I was careful not to wake her up. I sat my butt on the window pane before sliding through and allowing my foot to touch the floor.
I look around the room, my eyes darting at the baby monitor. The small blue light wasn't on tonight. I make a mental note to turn it on when I leave. My eyes roam the room when I hear a soft noise, a smile immediately coming onto my face.
He was awake and he looked like he'd been looking for me. I press my fingers to my lips and he instantly smiles. The pacifier is between his gums, but you can see the sides of his mouth lift.
I creep to the door, careful to not mak a lot of noise. I peek my head out, seeing three rooms, one door slightly ajar. It was completely silent as I shut the door.
Sebastian removes his pacifier from his mouth, a large smile showing all his gums and the three teeth he had. I watch as he pushes himself up, standing on his feet with his pacifier in hand. He drops it before putting his hands up, demanding to be lifted.
"Hey buddy." I whisper, picking him up. We open the window blinds, allowing the moonlight to illuminate his bedroom.
This had become a habit of mine — ours.
"How was your day? You been protecting Mommy?" I whisper, leaning back in the chair while he played with my watch. He was always fascinated with something I had on. I found that most nights, it was the Apple watch that straddles my wrist.
Originally, this started off maybe a month or two ago. Maybe even three. I had originally snuck in just to see him. I couldn't believe I had a son out there. But there he was.
He would be asleep and I'd come once or twice a week. This carried on until one night, he was awake. I had entered just as he was about to cry and he immediately held his hands up for me. I took him into my arms and held him for the first time. I was terrified.
All it took was one wrong move and he would either cry or I could drop him. I've held babies before — a baby. But it was different with him. I was scared that I could harm him. This was partially my child. My flesh and blood. I didn't want to hurt him.
Then, after that he would go back to being sleep or periodically he'd be awake. About two weeks ago though, it seemed as if he was staying up and waiting for me. Each night I came in he'd be sitting up in the corner of his crib, a brown teddy bear on one side of him and a bottle on the other. He'd have a yellow pacifier in his mouth while he sat, dressed in adorable little pajamas.
Now that he was able to recognize who I was and expect me, I didn't want to just not show up, so now I was coming everyday. He was ten months and if everything Google and my mothers have been telling me then by now, he was able to recognize patterns. So, for example, if he only sees me when it's dark and it's time for him to sleep, then he'd realize that is the typically time he'll see me.
Briella usually left the window open to allow the cool air of New York into his room as well as the ceiling fan.
The child seemed to never be cold.
"Can you say mommy?" I say, practicing what we have been doing every night. He had yet to actually say anything but it never hurt to try.
I was honestly surprised that Briella has never came in. Not that I particularly want her to catch me, but she is the type of person to know if their child's heart skipped a beat from a mile away. The fact that she left the monitor off tonight makes me a little uneasy since it had been on every night I came in.
Sebastian smiles up at me, pushing up onto his feet and grabbing at my hair.
Reminder: get a hair cut.
"Can you say... daddy?" I ask, holding him away to see his face. He just smiles widely at me before reaching for my hair again. I pull him away from my hair and swipe it back from my face. His hands go to my ears, attempting to grab my earrings.
"Daddy!"
"No, don't say—," I automatically say, panicked. My heart feels like it stopped for a second while he smiles, obviously proud that he just spoke. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely ballistic that he just spoke and said daddy of all things. But I never thought he would actually speak and I don't know whether or not he has said his first word in front of Briella — now I've stolen that moment from her.
"Daddy!" He repeats again, a little louder. If he repeated it again at this rate, Briella would be beelining into the room in no time. My heart begins racing while he stands on my lap, holding himself up on my chest.
"Sebastian, shhhhh. Shhh, Sebastian." I plead, pushing the pacifier back into his mouth. He pulls it away with one hand, making me put my hands on his small hips so he didn't fall before telling him press a wet kiss to the space between my eyes.
"Yeah, I'm your Daddy. Hey, Bashy, does Mommy have a boyfriend? Oh no! You said you don't like him? Me neither." I fake conversate with the ten month while he attempts to give me the pacifier covered in his saliva. He looks like he's concentrated on pushing the pacifier through my lips. I chuckle softly before turning my head away.
"No, thank you though. Look, can you say cheese for Daddy?" I mumble, noticing how he kept smiling. He looked like such a happy baby.
"Daddy?" He says, this time way quieter as if he knew we had to be quiet. He's cocking his head to the side with two hands on either of my cheeks. I take my phone out, pushing it between so it can see his face and I could have a memory for later. He sticks out his tongue at the last moment, reminding me much of Briella at the moment.
"What does Mommy think you're doing at night? Do you take naps during the day?" I ask myself more than him. I usually only stayed for a about thirty minutes, maybe forty minutes on the nights he would fall asleep in my hands.
I've already been here for almost twenty minutes and it seems as if he is not going to sleep any time soon.
He had to have taken multiple naps throughout the day since he was awake as he was. Sebastian was, on every aspect of the term, wide awake.
He was laughing and stomping around on my lap, no sleepy induced crankiness present. He wasn't rubbing his eyes frantically or whining like he usually did other nights. Sebastian was definitely awake.
I don't want to stay too long and risk getting caught and I also don't want to leave him so he's up by himself for the next hour or so.
"You're not sleepy?"
"Daddy!" He laughs, hugging me to him. Sebastian continues mumbling in me neck, which really sounds like a bunch of gibberish.
"Shh, don't say that. Say mommy."
"Daddy!"
"You're going to get me in trouble." I sing softly, pushing us into my feet. I clutch him to my hip, searching for his bottle. It was full and cold. Pushing it to his lips in hopes that it makes him sleepy, he declines it.
Oh, don't be a such a guppy, Noah.
He just moves his head away, letting out a sharp whine. "Look," I say, squeezing the bottle into my mouth. I instantly retract, a gag leaving my mouth. "It's not good cold, huh?"
He has a bottle warmer next to his crib, but I have no idea how to work this shit. I frown while he begins to reach for something not in his reach.
I turn my head, seeing a picture frame on top of a couple of stacked books. It was decorated with little red foam letter that spelled out Sebastian. The image in the middle was Briella and Sebastian, which honestly couldn't have been any more than a month or so ago, smiling up at whoever was taking it. Briella had a wide smile while Sebastian sucking on his pacifier, glaring at whoever was taking the picture.
"Mama." He says, reaching for the picture. Obviously he recognized his mother, but it still shocked me — although he's been talking all night — that he's said something.
"Holy shit. Good job. Mama." I smile, reaching for the frame. We both observe it, Sebastian reaching for it.
"Look, you gotta go to sleep because Daddy has to go now. Can you please go to sleep?" I plead, allowing him to grab the frame. Immediately he throws it, making me panic and reach for it so it didn't make noise. Mumbling a curse beneath my breath, I place the frame back onto the stack of books.
About twenty minutes later, Sebastian finally begins to rub his eyes and alerts me he's sleepy. I rock him, offering him the bottle again. He takes it this time, sucking on it and letting his eyes flutter open and closed. "You can go to sleep. I'll be back tomorrow." I mumble, noticing him trying to fight his sleep. He thrashes around for a second, attempting to turn in my arms before I set him down in his crib and prop his bottle up.
He doesn't resist while I go back to where we were sitting and grab his teddy bear, tucking it on the side of him. Sebastian's breathing get heavier, a sign I took to realize he was basically asleep.
"Almost forgot," I whisper, pulling out the gift I got him. It was a small gold chain. A bracelet, I didn't know whether that was classified as feminine or not but I figured he can't choke himself with it, right?
I clasp it around his chubby wrist, pressing a kiss to his dark curls.
"I love you," I mumble, turning to the baby monitor and switching the button from 'off' to 'on'. Holding my breath, I quietly step to the window, opening it slowly so it doesn't make any noise. From the corner of my eye, I see Sebastian lift his head with eyes partially opened. I wave before securing my foot onto the branch I used to come up, closing the window as best I could before making my way to the middle of the tree before jumping down. I land with a thud, brushing myself off.
"Whew," I let out, turning my phone back on while jogging to the sidewalk. I had parked a couple houses down so Briella didn't question the unknown car in her driveway.
Kind of ironic. I was worried about her seeing my car but not as worried about her catching me in her sons bedroom at two in the mornings
I needed to make my presence known soon. I didn't want this to be an every day thing where Sebastian was staying up and Briella was wondering why he was sleeping through the day.
Maybe I needed to stop.
But that just made me feel like a disappointment, like I was disappointing Bash.
I never meant to get close to him. I just wanted to see him.
This is probably selfish. No, this is selfish.
That night when she asked me 'Are you going to want to be in the baby's life?' I had purposely ignored the question. I knew it was too early for me to decide whether or not I wanted a child and when she wanted a baby so bad. I couldn't deny her the pleasure of that. I never thought I'd be able to be a father. I wasn't even a good man, my father wasn't a good man, so how exactly did I expect to be a good father? So, when she asked, I couldn't answer. I needed time to, I don't know... find myself? That sounds shitty but I didn't know what else to say.
Fuck.
I wanted Briella and I wanted to have all her children.
Give her all her children.
What-fucking-ever.
She could lock me in her basement (does she even have a basement?) and tie me up, only using me when she wanted a baby or get her self off and I would be perfectly content with life.
That sounds insane but it's true.
After all these years, I finally agree with my mother.
Love will make you do some crazy ass shit.
Honestly, I thought Briella was crazy for wanting a child. As young as she was, a baby wouldn't do anything but hold her back. But Sebastian didn't. She did everything she wanted to do and more.
Sebastian was her motivation.
Practically two years ago, I had absolutely no reason on this earth. I was just an asshole who worked twenty-four seven. I had no long term goals or dreams.
I was just here working.
Knowing that Sebastian and Briella were out there, made me work harder and walk with a pep in my step. I couldn't even put it into words.
They inspired me to want to be a better person. I stopped smoking and drinking — for the most part. I was no longer sleeping around, not that I was before, but I only had eyes for my girl.
Eventually I would make my presences known to her. I just didn't know how.
I was a mess.
I hated when my mind got like this. It was just a jumble of all my thoughts and I had no idea how to actually decipher them. All I knew was what I wanted.
Briella and Sebastian.
I would do whatever was needed in order to establish a relationship with Briella.
It was currently a little after three in the morning, meaning it was a little after eight in the morning in London, which was where my mother currently was.
I dial her number, pressing the phone to my ear while I entered my car.
Last time I spoke to her, it was about three months ago and we were arguing over when she was coming back. I wanted her to come back now but she wanted to stay in London for at least a year.
Like that'll happen. I'd do everything in my power for her to move back near me.
"Noah, hi, lovey." She immediately says and I can just see the smile on her face. "Why are you still awake? It's only eight in the morning here. What's that, two or three for you?"
"It's a little after three." I answer her second question. I already know if I answer the first, she'll lecture me about how unhealthy the amount of sleep I usually get is.
"What's wrong?" She says. I start my car, my eyes darting up to the house I had just came from.
"Nothing is wrong, I just have to tell you something." I sigh while swiping a hand through my hair. How exactly was I going to do this?
Why did I even call her?
Oh yeah.
"Well, now you're making me anxious. Just say it." She says, her breathing beginning to go erratic.
"You're going to be mad, I'm telling you now." I say, warning her. I knew how my mother was when it got to this type of stuff. If she wasn't there to witness the conception herself, she wouldn't believe it.
"Noah Austin, if you don't tell me what is going on. You're going to make me buy the next ticket to the States." She scolds, making me shrink back. She would chuck the nearest thing at me, first chance she got. Don't ever doubt this woman.
"Then, you can stay." I say, putting the idea out there while listening to her groan.
"You're avoiding the question and you know better than that." The glare on her face was practically radiating through the phone.
"I'm not avoiding it, I just asked another question." I point out, obviously not ready to tell her.
"Don't make me call your brother." She threatens. I smile since for once, I hadn't told him.
"He doesn't know either." I say, triumphantly. This only intrigued my mother.
"So, who does know?"
"Just.. me?" Fuck. I hesitated.
"You're lying. Spill." She demands.
"I have a son." I say, holding the phone away from my ear so I didn't have to hear her yelling. My eyes dart to the phone, hearing nothing.
Did she hang up?
Her name is still written across the screen, the picture of her in the middle.
"Mom?"
"I told you I hate it when you lie to me, Noah." She groans and I can just imagine her wiping her silky hair out her face with a frown. I knew she wouldn't believe me.
I laugh, which sounds way faker than I intended, before starting the car. "I'm not lying." This helped my case by literally nothing.
"Are you high? Drunk? Is this why you're calling me at three in the fucking morning? Noah." She says and I could tell she was officially done with my shit. My mother continues talking while I scroll through my phone to the messages between her and I. I quickly send her the three pictures I took of Sebastian earlier: one of us both sitting together in his rocking chair, one of him with his tongue out, and another with him laying in his crib. Since the room was semi-dark, you could barely see us but you could see his cheeks and just barely make out our skin. You couldn't exactly use this for a missing poster, but you knew there was a baby and I in the picture.
With the phone back to my ear, I hear her still talking and she was now mumbling 'who is texting me this early'. I give her a few seconds and allow it to process in her mind.
"Noah Austin Hart. Whose baby do you have?" This just sounded like her eyes were rolled.
"That's mine. Well, it's a long story." I groan.
"He is so cute. Look at his chubby wubby cheeks. Explain." She snaps, making me smile. "Who is the girl?"
"That's not important right this second. Here's the thing though, we aren't together. It was more of a in the moment thing. She wanted a baby and I don't know I just... love her?"
"Continue." She probes.
"So.. yeah. She was pregnant and then I left her alone to raise her baby. She doesn't know that I know he exists or that I've seen him before." I whisper, scared of her reaction.
"Then how are you—?"
"I snuck into her house." I spit out.
"Jesus Christ, baby, you can't do that. You're not an eleven year old, you're a grown man that can get arrested." She scolds, the frown evident in her voice.
"I don't know how to insert myself into her life." I whine. Whenever I talked to my mother, I always seemed to turn into a baby. Maybe because I just liked her as a mother — in a completely non-incestous (?) way.
"Why aren't you already in her life?" She questions.
"Mom."
"Sorry, Noah, I don't understand." She mocks me in the same tone, putting emphasize on my name.
"Basically, I liked her, love her, and I went up to her at the bar and told her to tell me about herself. All she could say was she wanted a baby but didn't trust anybody enough so I helped her out. I'm like.. the sperm donor in this situation. We parted and went our separate ways. Nineteen months later, here we are." I sigh. I hear her mumbling to herself as if she was putting puzzle pieces together.
"So, you want to be back in their lives." She points out. I nod although she cannot see me.
"I love her." I strain, hoping she got and felt exactly what I meant.
"You love her." She says, a suggestive tone to her voice. Mom knew exactly what I meant.
"Yes, Mom. I love her. I haven't even looked at another girl since I've met her." I say and instantly hear her shock gasp.
Yeah, I know.
"Why don't you just... talk to her?"
"That's weird. Then she'll be weirded out that I know her address and that I've been in and out her house before." I roll my eyes, not realizing where my mother didn't understand what my dilemma was.
"Well, don't talk to her at her house. Why don't you just bump into her at the store or something? Gradually make your move and hopefully she'll take you." She suggests and I can just imagine her filing her nails while the phone was pressed between her ear and shoulder.
"She's doing so good without me plus I —," I start before hearing her sharp gasp.
"Wait a minute, you've been sneaking in and out of her house to talk to the baby?" She cuts me off, confusion laced throughout her voice. Yikes. If she was here, she'd definitely give me a big scolding.
"Yeah."
"How the hell... he doesn't cry or call for his mother?" She wonders, the slight evidence that she had been in London for a while showing in her voice.
"No. He's a really quiet baby." I shrug, turning a corner .
"Hm." She offers.
"Guess what," I say, a goofy smile immediately spreading across his face. "He said daddy today. He called me daddy." The way I look to others around me currently probably resembled a dentist advertisement. I could basically see the balls of my cheeks in front of my eyes while I thought about Bashy saying 'daddy' earlier.
"Were those his first words?" She says and I can just see her Cheesecake Factory smile.
"I don't know. He had never spoken around me."
"So.. how long has this been going on?" My mom interrogates me.
"A couple of months?" I question, trying to remember the exact date I went in. It was marked on the notes in my laptop.
"You must be a ninja. This is her first born?" My mom continues her interrogation. I say this conversation went way better than planned. I honestly expected her to be boarding a plane as we spoke to come beat my ass.
"Yes." I nod as well, slowing my car at a red light. I was going to Kaden's place, he was most likely still awake.
"When you were a infant, I woke up every time you wiggled a toe. It's like my senses were in overdrive." She breathes. I missed her. Times like this I wished I could go to her house, not have to internationally call her.
"I feel like she's like that; we've just never got caught. He's usually sleep and his window is always open." I say, smiling as I think back to how he was awake and waiting for me tonight.
"So weirdos like you can come in." My mother jokes, laughing. I smile and nod.
"Yeah, so weirdos like me can come in."
• • •
djakkskdkd if you're reading this, three things.
• alex and sophia exist in this universe
• im not creative so sorry if I reuse a lot of names from the other book
• this chapter was a mess but i wanted y'all to meet mr.hart