| diary format
Sunday, June 12, 2019, continued
I feel as if I'm the most hated person in the world. I used to love waking up every morning but now it's the hardest part of my day. Grayson sees all the messages I get everyday but does nothing about it, sometimes I just think he doesn't even care about me. He never invites me when he hangs out with his friends, probably because he's embarrassed of me and is ashamed to say he's my TWIN brother.
| diary format ended
I shut my journal and slid it underneath my pillow, again. I let out a big sigh, getting off my bed and making my way down the stairs.
I can't even remember the last time I've eaten a whole meal. I eat here and there every now and then but I usually skip breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I just find no desire in eating anymore, no matter how tired and weak I feel. This will sound crazy but, it's like the emptiness of my stomach makes me feel as if I'm alive.
I open and scan the fridge but my stomach becomes queasy thinking about eating anything so I close the fridge and sit on the couch.
Tomorrow is Monday which means school is tomorrow so I'll see Steven and his clan of assholes. Steven always had a problem with me I swear from the beginning of time. We used to be friends as kids but he would always pick on me the most out of everyone else and then suddenly he stopped being nice all together.
If you're wondering, I used to have a lot of friends. Grayson and I were the most popular kids in school. Grayson still is but I am not. I can't say for sure what happened but all I know is, everyone fucking hates me.
I turn on the TV and begin watching Stranger Things season 1 to get my mind off of everything that has been going on but no matter what I do I can't shake the feeling I feel deep inside.
Grayson gets home at 4 in the afternoon and raids the entire fridge like an animal. I sit on the couch pretending to watch TV so he doesn't ask to film.
"How are you feeling?" Gray questioned
"The same" I said back, lying
"Well can you film? I was thinking we could just do a Q&A because I tweeted asking the fans to ask us questions"
Great. A Q&A. Every single time we do one of those it's always Gray answering the questions, never me. There is no point in me even being in the video because I stay silent the entire time.
"Why don't you just do the Q&A yourself?" I looked over my shoulder at him
"Because its a YouTube channel between you and I not just me"
"It might as well just be you" I muttered under my breath
Gray walked over to the living room where I was sitting with his tripod and camera and began setting up. I felt an uneasiness take control of my stomach. I absolutely hated filming and I don't know why Grayson doesn't realize that.
"Okay so I have questions screenshotted that we are going to go through and answer" Gray said pointing to his phone
I nodded my head and rolled my eyes.
"Three, two, one–" he said, "–what's up guys we're back and today we're going to be doing a Q&A!"
I smiled at the camera pretending to be interested.
Grayson read out the questions and began answering them on his own. All of the questions were about him anyways so I just sat there and looked like a fucking loser.
Once the video was done Gray went upstairs and began to edit the video on his laptop and I went onto Twitter. My entire timeline was filled with pictures and edits of Grayson with captions saying how much they love him.
Do you know what it feels like to be treated as if you don't even exist? Because it fucking sucks and sometimes, I really wish I didn't exist.