I run out the door, searching for him frantically and praying I'm not too late. For what, I don't know. I look around, hoping to find him in the dimly lit streets. And there he is. About to cross the road to the other side. I take a deep breath. And I shout.
"LEVI!!!"
Both of them turn around. It's too dark to make out their expressions, but I suppose it's something close to surprise.
"Eren", Hange asks, worried. "Something wrong?"
I take one cautious step. Suddenly I don't know what to say. My eyes stay focused on Levi. I barely notice Hange standing right beside him. All I can think is – Do something before he's gone!
"Can I–" my voice breaks. I clear my throat and try again, louder this time. "Can we talk... for a moment?"
He looks skeptical. My mind goes into panic. "Please!" I plead, desperation echoing in my voice.
Hange puts a hand over his shoulder and motions him towards me. I watch him heave a sigh. And they part ways. Hange going towards their house and Levi coming to the opposite direction, towards me.
My heart goes crazy, beating so loudly I'm afraid he can hear it. My palms feel sweaty. My cheeks feel warm.
"What is it brat?" he asks when he reaches me.
What am I supposed to tell him?
Don't go?
I like you?
Or maybe, take responsibility for making my heart beat like crazy?
Yeah, like I ever can!
So I stand there dumbfounded, trying to calm my nerves and my heart. But the buzzing sound in my ears is not letting me think at all.
"If you've got nothing to say, I'll leave."
"No!" I reach out my hand reflexively. My fingertips brush against his shoulder blade. He flinches away. "Sorry", I say quietly. "Please don't leave! I–I do have something to say."
"Better hurry up kid."
What do I say? How do I express this uneasiness... this restlessness? How do I tell him that he's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do!
"H–Have I done something to upset you?" the question comes out on its own.
He looks defenseless for a moment. Like he did the first time I asked this question. But then, his posture stiffens.
"No." His reply is curt.
"Then why are you avoiding me?!" my voice sounds pathetic and distressed.
"I'm not–"
"Don't!" I say a little louder than necessary. "Please don't say that you're not avoiding me. That I'm imagining things. You and I both know that's not true."
"What makes you think that anyway?" I flinch at the harsh reply. But when I look at him, his eyes don't meet mine. "Don't just assume things on your own. What in the goddamn world makes you think that I would be the least bit interested in a brat like you?!"
I stare at him with wide eyes. So, was I right when I thought he's just tolerating me? To him I'm nothing but a stupid teenager with a stupid crush? Nothing more? Nothing... special?
But for some reason, my heart isn't ready to accept that. How can I just take his words for real when I've already seen the kind and gentle heart behind that harsh exterior he shows off? And if he wasn't interested in the first place, he wouldn't have led me on the day we met. Levi is not that kind of a person. That much I'm sure of.
So, it must be some other reason. Something that compelled him to change his behavior towards me. And I gotta find out what that is.
"If that's how it is", I start with a sigh. "Then look me in the eye and say it."
He shuts his eyes close for a moment, lips pressed tight. But says nothing.
"What went wrong Levi?" I try again. "Yesterday you–"
"Yesterday was a mistake", he cuts me off.
I stare at him. Seconds pass one after another.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
"What...?!" It's a whisper.
"You heard me. Yesterday was a mistake", he continues in a formal tone. "My behavior was extremely inappropriate and out of place. I hope you forgive me."
"No..." I'm still whispering. I don't know why. "No! I don't believe that!"
"It doesn't matter what you believe."
"Are you trying to tell me you didn't feel anything towards me? That it was nothing?!" I start hyperventilating. "Or are you regretting it?"
"It does not matter what you believe." He repeats.
"Fuck yes it does!" my voice breaks. "Why are you doing this Levi? I know you felt it. You felt the same connection I did!"
Something changes in his eyes. The cold look is replaced by something else. He looks pained, and tired.
"Eren..." This is the second time he's called me by my name.
"Please don't deny it", I push him. "I–I can see it in your eyes! Then why?! Why are you pretending to ignore everything and cast it all aside?"
Why are you casting me aside?
He stares at me for a long moment, eyes unreadable. I shift my weight from one foot to another; scratch the back of my left hand with my right. I'm waiting. Impatiently. Nervously.
"You won't understand", he exhales. "It's for the best Eren. That's all you need to know."
Is he even serious?
"You can't just end it with a vague excuse like that!"
He massages his temple with his fingers. He looks exhausted. "Fuck it!" he turns to leave.
"Levi!" I cry out. I can't let him do this. I can't let him leave and wonder what happened for the rest of my life. I don't wanna end up doing nothing and living with regrets. I need to know what the matter is. And I need to know now!
"Don't fucking leave without giving me an answer!" I shout, but my voice is laced with fear. Because I know I won't be able to stop him if he truly decides to leave.
He turns around to face me. His eyes lock with mine. How much time passes like that, I don't know. "You know nothing about me", he finally speaks.
I perk up. "Then I will!" I blurt out. "I mean... I... I want to!"
He looks pained again. Did I say something wrong?
"No..." he replies. "You shouldn't. Eren, you... you're just a kid!" he sounds exasperated.
Oh! Now I know where this is going.
"You think I'm too young to be making a decision like this, don't you?"
He pauses for a second before answering. "Not to make a decision. No."
"Then what?! Fucking tell me!"
He looks straight at me. "You're way too young to be with someone like me", he pauses. "And I'm way too old to be with someone like you."
I look at him incredulously. What the hell is he saying!? How the fuck can a simple thing as our age difference be that big an issue?
Suddenly I feel like laughing.
"That's stupid! You can't be much older than me. What are you, 25? 27? So what! I don't mind."
"I'm 34."
"Yeah alri–" the rest of it gets stuck in my mouth. I realize my eyes have widened to the point of popping out.
His lips twitch up into a sad smirk.
"This isn't funny Levi", I warn him. "Quit joking around."
What the fuck?! How can he be 34?! That's got to be a sick joke, right? I mean, my own mother is almost 40! Am I supposed to believe that the guy I've got the biggest crush on – the one person that keeps turning my whole world upside down and downside up again and again – is actually close to my mom's age?! Not to mention he's got the looks that can shame even the best models.
I refuse to believe this. Either my eyes are really really bad, or he's got his timeline wrong.
"I told you", his voice is quiet, and forlorn. "This is for the best."
I watch silently as he slowly walks away from me. What can I say anyway? I can't even wrap my head around what happened just now!
What do I do?
He reaches the gate and steps out. I stare at his departing figure. Just before crossing the street, he turns around to look at me.
"Goodbye Eren."
I say nothing.
.................................................................................
The moment I see him disappear through Hange's door, my body starts moving on its own. All I can think is that I have to do something. What, I don't know. I rush across the street and run through the fog-drenched grass on their lawn. When I near the entrance, I slow my steps and tiptoe towards one of the open windows.
I look inside. Levi is standing in front of the staircase with Hange blocking his way. There seems to be some kind of argument going on. I lean closer and try to listen.
"–et out of my way Hange!"
"Not unless you tell me what happened."
"Get the fuck out!" he hisses, punctuating and emphasizing each word.
Hange doesn't budge. "Tell me what happened."
Levi sighs. "You fucking know what happened."
Hange looks calm and determined. "No, I don't. What I know is what I've seen. And from what I've seen, you and Eren seem to like each other quite a bit. What's the matter Levi? I thought you two clicked right from the start."
My heart starts beating loudly again. So I wasn't wrong. Hange saw it too! Levi does like me. Or at least, it looks like he does. But then, if he knew about this huge age gap issue, why didn't he back off from the beginning?
Levi's next words answer my question.
"You never told me that kid's fucking seventeen!" he growls. "I'd never have let things go this far if I knew he was so young."
Hange remains unaffected by his anger. "I didn't tell you because it doesn't matter." They take a step closer to him. "Really Levi, it's just a number. If both of you like each other, it shouldn't matter, right?"
From where I'm standing, I can only see Levi partially. But even from that view it looks like he's clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. "It does!" He snarls. "It fucking does to me. You should know Hange!"
There's a look of realization on Hange's face. "Levi..."
I wonder what they're talking about. What should Hange know? What is it that's causing him to react so intensely?
Perhaps I've gotten too lost in my own thoughts or Levi has spoken the next words way lower than usual, because the only thing I'm able to make out is – "Izzy..." and "... fourteen!"
Izzy? Fourteen?
What's that supposed to mean?! And why does his voice sound so... resigned?
I curse myself for not hearing the whole thing.
I look inside again. Hange's moved aside and Levi is now walking up the stairs.
Suddenly my body feels numb. I sink down on the ground slowly, not minding the wetness of the mist or the dirt staining my pants. I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them. Then I bury my face between my knees and close my eyes.
Levi is 34, almost as old as mom. And... And he likes me. I should be disgusted, horrified. But surprisingly, I'm not. I just feel an ache, deep in my heart. A loneliness. A longing. Like I've lost something very precious, very important.
I try to think of beautiful things to ease the pain. My vision fills up with silky black and porcelain white. Sharp cheekbones and silver eyes. Playful smirks and adorable frowns.
I am so in trouble.