Nhu was tired. It wasn't the sleep-it-off-and-tomorrow-you'll-feel-better kind of exhaustion; it was the bone-deep weariness accompanied by an incapacitating numbness that comes when your dreams and your heart are crushed at the same time. Yeah, it was that kind of tired.
The way she saw it, she could either accept failure gracefully and quickly devise a strategy for moving forward, or she could throw the most epic tantrum that would rival any cranky toddler minutes away from bedtime.
She chose the latter.
After a good, ugly cry and a couple of punches into a blameless, but convenient pillow, Nhu stared at the computer screen, her Canh Cua Tôm soup tasting even more sour in the back of her throat. Surely there must have been a mistake. This couldn't be happening. Sure enough, though, the computer screen proved otherwise.
Nhu Trieu Hoang. Her name was nowhere to be found on the California State Bar Exam Results roster. Among the list of newly minted lawyers, she saw the names of her best friend, Marisol Aguilar, and about a dozen other former classmates. Only her name was missing.
In all honesty, Nhu wasn't entirely surprised. The day before she took the exam was the exact moment her then-boyfriend Jack decided to drop the biggest bombshell on her. How the hell was she supposed to concentrate on theoretical justice when the man she loved had just thrown her under the bus?
Staring at the glowing computer screen in front of her was just a blaring reminder of the fact that she simply wasn't enough. She was attractive, but not stunning enough to model full-time. She was intelligent, but apparently not capable of pushing her emotions aside and passing her bar exam following the worst day of her life. She was lovable, but obviously not desirable enough for Jack Smith's family to even learn of Nhu's existence.
She'd tolerated Jack's reluctance for nearly two long years, all the while convincing herself that she understood why he never introduced her to his family. In truth, she'd never brought him to her parents' house either, but that was more out of reciprocation than anything else. Naïvely, Nhu convinced herself that one day soon, Jack would come around, man up, stand up to his influential parents, and publicly declare his love for her. Emboldened by his bravery, Nhu would also find the courage to tell her equally affluent and influential parents — albeit in different social circles from Jack's family — that she had found the love of her life... and he wasn't of Vietnamese descent.
In all of her 26 years, Nhu had never been openly defiant of her parents' wishes. Having a secret boyfriend never felt right to her, but the idea of coming home with a half-Irish white boy felt even worse. Because she was an only child, and a female at that, Nhu's parents had always afforded her many more freedoms and indulgences than many of her cousins and friends had experienced. When they moved from her family's hometown of San Jose down to San Diego, twelve-year-old Nhu was confident and headstrong. Her doting parents supported her interest in photography, and somehow, the following year she ended up standing in front of the camera instead of behind it, modeling and winning pageants like a young pro.
She didn't resent her hard work, especially because her parents had carefully invested her earnings for her over the years. Thanks to them, her scholarships, and steady gigs with flexible hours, Nhu was able to put herself through college and law school debt-free. At least that was one silver lining, considering that she decided she would only re-take the failed exam once she felt completely ready to redeem herself.
A piercing wail and frantic vibration on her bed let her know that her best friend Marisol had just received the news. Nhu wasn't in the mood to force her swollen throat to produce words, especially when a fresh deluge of tears would inevitably crest and fall during their conversation. She reached over and rejected the call, deciding to text instead. Her finger hovered over a row of emojis, unsure of how to start the conversation. Finally, she began to type.
N: Hey, Mari. I guess you saw the results.
Congrats, hon!
M: Thanks. But it feels
like a hollow victory now.
I'm so sorry, Nhu.
N: Yeah, well. What's done is done.
Don't go making a big deal
out of it. This is just what I deserve.
M: Don't you DARE lie to yourself!
That guy is a fool, and if you'd
told me what he'd done sooner,
I really would have found a way
to mess up his pretty-boy face.
Nhu sighed, rubbing her temples to deflect a migraine from forming. She really didn't need to have this conversation right now. Her breakup with Jack was too fresh, and no matter how messed up it felt to admit it, Nhu still had feelings for him. He'd been trying to call and text her ever since she found the courage to break things off with him two weeks ago; she was proud of herself for not giving in and responding to them. She even found the courage to block his phone number. Still, she missed him. How could Nhu expect her best friend to understand how conflicted her feelings were at a time like this? Her heart heavy, Nhu returned to the conversation.
N: Believe me, Mari, Jack is messed up enough.
He feels like crap and he's actually sorry.
As strange as it sounds, he's really just
afraid of disappointing his father.
M: Ok, so that doesn't make it right
that he convinced you to be his
side piece for nearly two whole years.
N: Ouch.
M: Well, it's true. No real man would
hide his relationship with the woman
he claims to care for and respect.
It's hard for me to understand
why you're even standing up for him.
N: Well, all men can't be Dante.
And if I recall, he wasn't always
such stellar material right out the gate.
A minute or two passed before Nhu realized that Mari wasn't going to dignify her unnecessary attack with a response. Their friendship was solid, and it was partly due to Marisol's ability to deescalate tense moments that had the potential to snowball into drawn-out conflicts. They were a perfect match because when Nhu was in a mood, she had a tendency to instigate petty verbal confrontations to distract her from the real issues at hand.
Deep down, she knew that failing the exam wasn't Mari's fault, but it was hard for her not to be jealous of her best friend. Mari had snagged a promise for employment at her dream job even before she received her bar exam results. Her boyfriend Dante Cole had been her secret crush for years, and he practically worshipped the ground that both Mari and her mother walked on. And here Nhu sat, all by her lonesome, with no job prospects, no boyfriend who would publicly claim her, and a bowl of quickly cooling soup. Yep, life was just peachy.
She finished her lukewarm meal in the silence of her one-bedroom condo, trying to figure out the best way to soften the blow once she broke the news to her parents.
***
"Come on, baby. Work with me here." Jack Smith hoped like hell that his electronic key would still function after two weeks of disuse. His insides churning, he flashed his most compelling smile of affluence and birthright when he heard the satisfying click of the latch, and the sliding glass doors parted, welcoming him in. Jack passed through the downstairs lobby as though he belonged. Of course, he belonged. He was Jack Smith, son of the one and only Drew Smith —one of California's most promising politicians and a possible presidential candidate if he played his cards right.
Which meant Jack had to play his cards right, and that left no room for mistakes. He loved Nhu, he did, but he just couldn't risk his dad's carefully cultivated reputation by having a girlfriend who didn't quite... fit the mold. Nhu was far from demure and damned if she would hold her tongue for anything — or anyone. Her tenacity was one aspect of her personality that drew him to her in the first place. But the last thing his father needed was to have his son's girlfriend mouthing off about her personal political opinions to the press.
To top it all off, Nhu hadn't even passed the bar exam, which would have been an embarrassment to the family had that news gone public. Worse yet, the likely reason why she failed would have been easy fodder for the newshounds. Raymond, one of Jack's interns at work, had taken the bar exam in the same group as Nhu. This morning when Ray looked online to see the names of all of those who had passed, the intern had drawn Jack's attention with his excited yell. While Ray was distracted by well-wishers and congratulations, Jack studied the list of new attorneys on the private website. He was devastated not to have found Nhu's name on the list. Guilt weighed heavy in his chest, and Jack gathered his courage to make a face to face apology to the woman he loved.
Distracted by his thoughts, Jack stumbled on his way to the elevator. The on-duty security guard looked up from his cell phone, a curious eyebrow raised over his bifocals.
"Hi, Rodney!" Jack's jovial voice fit perfectly with his relaxed smile and easy-going wave. He punched in the code to Nhu's floor, willing the elevator doors to open before the older man could reach him for banal small-talk. Technically, Jack was off the clock, but he knew the moment anyone asked him about his dad's inevitable campaign, he'd automatically slip into politician-mode. Politics was in his blood; Jack loved the thrill of it more than anything else, and his career as a political strategist served him well. Organizing the presidential campaign exploratory committee for his dad was his absolute dream job. Slipping into the elevator with fortuitous timing, he tossed another smile and wave at the guard as the doors closed.
In the privacy of the elevator, Jack released a deep sigh. Hopefully, Lady Luck would continue to be on his side today. Because if he knew anything about Nhu Hoang, it was that she would need a hell of a lot of convincing before she'd even consider giving him a second chance after what he'd done to her.
***
Nhu gawked through the peephole, mildly astonished at how the day was rapidly turning from horrible to catastrophic. Try as she might, the genuinely nervous but still smug visage of her ex stood in front of her door with a privileged air of expectation. She'd known one of these days he would waltz back into her life as though he had every right to be there, but she hadn't anticipated he'd be such an ass and pick today. For two full minutes, she stood on her bench, staring at him through the door. Jack knocked a few times, but she purposely ignored him, just to tick him off. When two minutes stretched into five, she got bored, pushed the tiny bench aside, and opened the door.
She swung it wide open, and the jarring action took Jack by surprise. He recovered quickly, practically leaping over the doorway as he leaned down to scoop Nhu up into his arms just as the door closed behind him. For a breathless moment, he held her tightly, and she could feel his rapid heartbeat against her breasts. He wasn't particularly tall, which Nhu found to be convenient, but still, his 5'10 height was impressive compared to her best day of 5'5 in heels.
Despite herself, her lips twitched with the faintest beginning of a smile, and she breathed in deeply. Nhu tried to make it seem as though she was just gathering oxygen to, you know, live, but both of them could see through her weak façade. She missed him; she missed everything about him, even the damn smell of him. He gave her a flirtatious cursory glance that quickly morphed into a brooding expression of pure want. His pale blue eyes lingered on her lips, and he pressed the pout of his full lower lip against his thinner upper lip to resist the need to kiss her.
"Don't you dare give me your Blue Steel look. That doesn't work for me anymore, Jack." She lied. He wore a simple, plain white button-down shirt with tailored navy slacks and charcoal grey suede shoes. His thick dark eyebrows were well-groomed, complimenting his chestnut-brown five o' clock shadow, just the way Nhu liked.
Used to like.
There was nothing left for her to like about this man: Not his hedonistically indulgent scent of Clive Christian No. 1 — literally the most expensive men's cologne in the world; not even the way his expressive eyes turned down slightly, making him look like a sad puppy-dog when he wanted to. Apparently, Jack decided now was the appropriate time for that particular expression.
"Hey, babe." The tone of his voice was low and affectionate, but the generic term of endearment reminded her of all of the times when he couldn't take her calls, or he stood her up because "duty called," or whatever other myriad excuses he'd given her over the last two years of her life. He didn't deem Nhu worthy enough to say her name, much less even introduce her to his family. Why was she still battling with the need to feel validated by him?
Nhu's thoughts wandered to the text message conversation where Mari called her Jack's "side piece". She never would have considered herself to be something as sordid as that, but as painful as it was to admit it to herself, Nhu had to acknowledge Mari was probably on to something. Any warm feelings of nostalgia clouding her sense of reason turned cold, and Jack sensed the change.
She took a cautious step away from him, keeping her face impassive while assessing her ex as shrewdly as he analyzed their current situation. That was one thing that never failed to drive Jack crazy in their relationship; she always could read a room better than he. There were a lot of things he could tolerate in his secret girlfriend, but being outshone by her wasn't one of them.
"Nhu," he corrected himself. "Thanks for letting me in. I've been trying to give you as much time as you need, but when I learned about your bad news, I just had to come and see how you're doing. I'm so sorry." The jerk even had the audacity to look genuinely contrite.
Never forgetting her manners, Nhu invited him to sit on the blue velvet sofa, its color consistent with the nautical theme of crisp white, navy blue, and bold highlights of red and orange throughout the condo. She considered the theme to be fitting since she lived on the Coronado peninsula in San Diego. Such a luxury allowed her to cast glances at the gorgeous San Diego Bay at her leisure.
Warily, Nhu sat on one end of the sofa opposite Jack, not quite trusting herself near him. Old habits died hard, and two weeks apparently hadn't been long enough for either of them to forget how it felt being in each other's arms. She sighed.
"Jack, let's get this conversation over with as quickly as possible so we can both move on. You're here because you feel guilty about what you did the day before I had to take my exam, is that right?" He shifted uncomfortably at her directness.
"Um, well, there are more reasons than that, but that's the primary one, yes." He blinked his eyes rapidly, likely running whatever little sob-speech he had through his mind, Nhu figured. He reached over, clasping her hand between his. His voice was as smooth as silk, a slight baritone rumbling in his chest, like a tomcat with a seductive purr. As they both knew, his voice happened to be Nhu's Achilles' heel.
"I treated you poorly, Nhu. I can't apologize enough for that. I want you to know that I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you. It was selfish of me not to have thought of your needs." Nhu's smile never faltered as he spoke, but her eyes narrowed, a subtle movement that was in direct opposition to the seemingly innocuous gesture of her upturned lips.
"That sounds so lovely, Jack. But tell me, are you still spending your time — and your father's money — on that escort you hired?" It gave her minuscule satisfaction to see his handsome face pale at the mention of the word escort. Jack sat up straighter, immediately sliding into defense mode. He leaned towards her, the grim line of his mouth serious.
"She isn't an escort, Nhu. Belle is a professional image enhancer. There's nothing going on between us. Like I told you before, it's strictly business."
"You still haven't answered my question." She ignored the stab of betrayal in her chest, remaining steadfast in her interrogation. If she hadn't had her head in the clouds on the day of the exam, she would have danced rings around it. Nhu was born to fight for a cause.
"I don't know what else to say. My dad needs to make sure there aren't any questions about my sexuality. Not that he would have a personal problem with my sexual orientation, either way," He quickly amended. Nhu shook her head at the hypocrisy Jack obviously couldn't see. "He just wants to make sure we have all bases covered. You know, the fewer questions we have about family members, the better."
"I see." Nhu pretended to understand his distorted perspective until she remembered that she didn't need to appease him anymore. She owed this man absolutely nothing, and it slowly dawned on her that she never did. Her choice to constantly stroke Jack's ego and go along with his wishes had always been her choice, and starting now, she wasn't going to continue making the same mistake.
"Actually, no. I don't understand. If your dad was concerned about your relationship status, and you actually had a real girlfriend at the time, why didn't you just finally tell him about us? What made you think it was the better choice to create an illusion and deny our relationship?"
She studied him silently as he grappled to find the right words to appease her. He clearly wanted something from her, of that she was sure. She just had to wait to learn exactly what that was. This should be interesting, she thought.
"Babe — Nhu." He stuttered. "I love you. You know that, right? I feel so bad that I told you we hired Belle the night before your exam. I didn't think it was such a big deal because my feelings for you are what's real. I didn't think you'd want to be a part of this 'political circus'. You always call it that, you know? So until I know that you can actually be a politician's wife, how can you expect me to introduce you to society as the future President of the United States' potential daughter-in-law?" Jack leaned back with a heavy exhale, proud of his handiwork for turning tables. Nhu stared at him, jaw-slacked.
"Are you serious right now? You essentially just said I'm not the kind of woman I should expect you to marry. And why, pray-tell, shouldn't I be deemed as such?" She raised her eyebrows, the best tell in indicating how incensed she actually was. A moment later, she held up her hand and pushed away from the sofa, walking to the kitchen area to lean on the island. She turned her back to him while she tried to calm down. Even the idyllic sailboats bobbing in the Bay weren't enough to distract her. Nhu crossed her arms over her chest and nodded her head.
"You know what? I don't need to know. I'm so tired of this." Everything she thought she wanted remained out of her reach. She still needed to get her courage up for tonight's dinner with her parents and break the news about the exam. It took a minute, but eventually, Nhu realized that she really didn't need jack from Jack. The private thought made her chuckle, and he misinterpreted her mirth.
Strong arms grasped her upper arms from behind, pivoting her around in perfect time for her lips to meet his. He wasn't tentative with the kiss, but he took his time, firmly pressing his warm lips against hers, advancing and then retreating — asking permission for more without pausing for words. Her lips parted slightly, possibly in protest, but when his tongue skirted along the seam of her lips, she hummed in approval instead. His lips thinned as a smile spread, his obvious happiness at her acceptance of his advance a soothing balm to Nhu's aching soul.
Jack took his time, his kiss gentle and steady. He didn't push for more, wisely choosing to enjoy the softness of her lips and simply savor the taste of her. Instinctively, Nhu raised her hands to pull his head closer to her, and he took the cue to deepen the kiss. He drew her closer to him, no longer restraining his visceral reaction to her touch. He tilted her head to dive into the taste of her, his longing for her intense and aching. The hunger in his kiss proved that he missed her just as much as she missed him.
In moments like these, they were perfect together.
Jack slowly pulled away from Nhu, his body trembling nearly as much as hers. It was a comfort for her to realize that he wasn't unaffected by their breakup, either. He pressed his closed lips against the side of her slightly open mouth, and his sky-blue eyes softening with affection.
"Let me be there for you, babe. I've missed you so damn much over these past months. I want you to know that I take full responsibility for my part in distracting you from your studies, and I'm going to pay for the next exam for you. To make up for everything. Then we can finally go back to the way things used to be." His magnanimous smile nearly did her in, and it took Nhu a minute to clear her hazy thoughts and understand exactly what Jack was saying. Reality set back in.
"You're freaking serious right now, aren't you?" She looked up at him, pushing away from the island and his embrace, propelling herself away from him as though he were fire and the edge of her fingertips and lips were singed. She had to get a grip on reality and not get caught up in the moment. Being with Jack had been something steady for her. It was what she knew, oftentimes her source of comfort sprinkled with a bit of forbidden pleasure. But he wasn't hers.
Finally, finally it dawned on her that Jack had never been hers, and yet, he fully assumed that no matter the circumstances, she would always belong to him. Nhu had freely given him that much of her power. She had allowed him to treat her with less respect than she knew she deserved. And when she finally, finally said enough was enough, he hadn't heard her. He still believed that, like a petulant child, Nhu would eventually come around and see that his way was indeed the best way. For him, it was the only way.
In her mind's eye, Nhu looked at herself, saw her life's trajectory and realized that she was not where she wanted to be. Being less than someone's everything was not how she wanted to live. She deserved more. And starting right now, she was going to do the things that she had always been afraid to try, pursue the things that she wanted to do, and not follow someone else's plans for her — not her parents', Jack's, or anyone else. It was time for Nhu to take her power back, and now, in this moment, she was ready.
"You need to leave, Jack." Nhu was shocked at the steadiness of her own voice. Her body trembled with repressed rage, and Jack's eyes widened in confusion.
"Nhu, what's wrong with you? You're not acting like yourself at all." She smiled at his words, her humorless grin wide as she slowly nodded.
"That's the best thing I've heard all day. Everything about today has been a wake-up call, and I'm wide awake. We are through, Jack. Done. If you can't accept me as I am, and not be freaking ashamed to say exactly the same things to me in public as you do when we're alone, then you and I are not on the same page. I'm tired of slumming it with you, acting like a, like a — side piece." Jack stared at her, his blue eyes wide as he reached out for her. She ignored him and walked to the front door.
Her heart thudded in her ribcage louder than a snare drum, her insides churning from nervousness. Nhu straightened her spine and made a sweeping gesture with one of her arms while she opened the door as wide as possible.
"Go. Please."
"You don't mean it, babe. Look, I get that you're mad, but I know you still want me. The way we just kissed proves that." His words made her lips tingle with the memory. For a moment, she hesitated. She saw the dark rings under his eyes, understood that his nights were likely as sleepless as hers had been. It would be so tempting to find comfort from their respective miseries in each other's arms.
Nhu shook her head, her resolve steadfast.
"So you're a good kisser — so what? It's been a while. I'm not saying that there wasn't something between us. I'm not saying that all of those feelings are completely gone." Nhu had never been a great liar, despite keeping their relationship a secret for nearly two years.
"Then what are you saying?" His imploring puppy-dog eyes would be the death of her, so she averted her eyes, an unfocused stare on the blue panel of the outer door. It was no longer her job to slay Jack's demons. If he didn't have the courage to face his own insecurities, how could she expect him to be willing to fight for their love? She squared her shoulders and held out her hand.
"I'm saying I want my key back. I'm saying that I'm giving you your freedom, releasing you from the burden of lying to your family, the rest of the world, and to me. We. Are. No. Longer. Together. Period."
Jack stood a foot away from her, his body rigid, his expression of bewilderment a clear indication that he was unaccustomed to experiencing rejection. He pulled out the card from his back pocket, drawing her attention to his legs. She nearly succeeded in not admiring how perfect he looked in his tailor-made slacks.
"We're good together, you know." Jack was visibly upset, and Nhu wasn't immune from being moved by his genuine remorse. "This is just a temporary setback. You'll see. It's just until we know how the voters respond to Dad's exploratory campaign; after that, we can just be normal again."
"Jack, you just don't get it. Your sense of 'normal' isn't right. It's selfish and degrading to me. The fact you can't see that speaks volumes." He shook his head in contradiction and pressed the key card into her outstretched hand.
"We just don't see eye to eye right now, babe, but I'm a determined man. I will win you back." He stood dangerously close to her, his scent tantalizing as Nhu unwaveringly held on to her resolve.
"I highly doubt it." Nhu jutted out her chin and stood taller. "I've been waiting for weeks to say this, and now here's my chance: Hit the road, Jack."
He snorted, a grim exhale of breath that made his nostrils flare. They both sensed the hurt behind his mock bow as he, for the first time in their relationship, actually did something she asked him to do.
He left.
(Chapter 1 of Luck of the Irish, Holiday Heartbeats #3 by Atina Atwood)