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TW: Small Implication of Abuse
Over the next week, he had found that his excuse about his mother dying had worked. He felt incredibly guilty lying about her. But he figured his mother was more likely to forgive him than his father would if Remus let someone find out about him. Still, it didn't make it any easier when after a week of avoiding Lily he finally had to tell her the same thing.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner Remus? We were all so worried about you. We even went to see the headmaster."
"I know James filled me in. I'm sorry Lily, I guess I just don't like talking about it."
"No, I'm sorry Remus. My grandmother died two years ago and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me and my family. I can't imagine what your family must be going through. You let me know if you need help with anything ok? Anything at all I mean it. And I know I talk a lot and you usually do more of the listening but I can listen to alright?"
He nodded trying to show the appropriate amount of remorse.
She, unlike his roommates, was much better at consoling him. The problem was he didn't really need to be comforted, and her kind and understanding response just made him feel worse. But at least for the time being, everyone bought his lie, and once more he found he could juggle hanging out with them and not pretty well.
Of course, they all thought he was their friend, Sirius said it the most, and Lily when trying to get him to talk about his mom said they were friends too. After months of denying it, he had to begrudgingly admit they kind of were. Sort of friends, he had told Sirius that's what they were and the older boy had laughed and rolled his eyes.
"Whatever you say, Remus," he had retorted with the smugness he had every time friendship was brought up.
Sirius knew he had won and deep down Remus did too. Oddly enough he realized he didn't care terribly. As long as they didn't ask any more questions Remus was quite happy with how things were. He even had to admit things had been going well with Severus too. Remus had somehow gotten James and Sirius to back off on the boy, if only until their exams were done, which in turn made Severus overall more pleasant.
Gone were the days of Remus glancing up to find the sallow boy glaring at him. In fact, Severus talked to him in almost the same friendly manner as Lily. Of course, no one could be more important to him than Lily, and there were still the occasional times that Severus got jealous. But overall they had reached an unspoken agreement and throughout December life at Hogwarts was pretty peaceful. It would almost have been perfect if it wasn't for James and Sirius.
Because James and Sirius, who had been notorious for their pranks from September to November, had ceased doing them all together in December. Many people were glad of this but Remus, who knew why they had stopped, rather wished they would start pranking again no matter how bothersome it may be. For rambunctious and spontaneous Sirius had withered, as at the end of December he would have to be going home.
Remus tried to talk to him about it, very worried about him, but Sirius didn't want to talk about it any more than Remus wanted to talk about his own family. James, who knew none of this, simply thought Sirius had lost his edge and loudly voiced his disapproval of him to anyone who would listen. Sirius, hurt by this, retaliated. And then James retaliated against the retaliation, and so forth. This caused days of bickering between James and Sirius, who would argue back and forth making their dorm room a thoroughly unpleasant place to be.
This was why Remus found the library with Severus and Lily to be the much better option, but usually, he did not have a choice in where he was. Because James and Sirius both used Remus and Peter as shields and weapons, meaning the four of them had been hanging out together far too much for Remus' liking. Peter had become James' message boy delivering snide comments to Sirius before running away in fear.
Sirius tried to get Remus to pay James back in kind, but Remus was surprisingly less of a pushover than Peter and wouldn't. This was why Sirius was once more trying to goad him into telling James that his feet smelled and he snored like a boggart.
"I'm not telling him that," Remus refused flatly.
"You have tooooooo! Remus, you haaaaave toooo," the older boy whined dramatically. Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes at him.
"Sirius, this is ridiculous! Just go and talk to James!"
"Shut up, Remus. I refuse to talk to that wanker!"
"But you guys are best friends!"
"Former best friends! I'm done with him. I'm absolutely finished with him," Sirius exclaimed loudly and flung himself on the couch, earning a scornful look from James standing across the common room with Peter. Remus had tried to reason with both Sirius and James over and over, feeling like the only logical one out of the whole bunch.
Seeing Sirius was, as usual, too stubborn to see any reason, Remus walked over to James hoping he, who sometimes was a little less impulsive than Sirius, would see how ridiculous this was.
"James, can't you just talk to Sirius? You both are being ridiculous."
"No, he's ridiculous. Peter, go tell Sirius that without me he's a Billy no-mate."
"Peter, don't! Sirius told me next time you went over there he'd hex you," Remus interjected honestly, personally finding it ludicrous that Sirius wouldn't play pranks for fear of getting in trouble at school and therefore at home but he'd hex his roommate.
"James, do I have to?" sighed Peter.
"Yes, Peter," James commanded with confidence, knowing that Peter would obey.
Remus sighed heavily, fed up with his roommates. Even though the full moon was over a week away he found he was thoroughly frustrated with all of them, even poor Peter. Since once again Peter was going to do whatever James said and would no doubt wind up hurt because of it.
"No, I'll go," Remus muttered, shooting both of them a disapproving look before marching over to Sirius skulking nearby. Remus felt a stab of guilt as Sirius saw him coming back and brightened considerably, no doubt assuming Remus was finally going to take "his side" in the whole ridiculous affair.
"About time you joined my side, Remus. This whole "neutral" thing is ridiculous."
Remus sighed heavily, not planning to actually relate James' offensive message but once more at a loss on how to help bring this thing to an end. These past weeks would have been very near perfect if it wasn't for James and Sirius, each being stupid in a different way.
In an attempt to help, Remus had actually asked Lily for assistance. However, she found the whole thing rather amusing and didn't provide any insight.
They were currently in the common room, and like usual were attracting a good deal of attention. Unsure what to say, Remus shook his head and, feeling everyone's eyes on him, grew uneasy and retreated to their dorm. Once inside, he found himself pacing and flipping through a book on fun magical spells in a last-ditch attempt to find a solution.
"Wingardium Leviosa," he heard Sirius shout as he walked into the room. Before Remus could stop it, the book he was holding levitated up and out of his grip.
"Why did you run away?" Sirius asked, the book now in his hands.
"Give that back!"
"Hm. Lupin, this doesn't seem like your usual 'light' reading. What happened to The Magical Properties of Dragons?" James asked, for some reason following Remus as well.
Of course, that meant Peter was behind him too. This was not what Remus wanted. The four of them in one room had ended up in James and Sirius arguing every time. Remus felt dread fill him and a sort of panicky desperation to do something.
"Mind your own business, James," Sirius snapped, though he was the one looking through the book that wasn't his. Sirius was clearly as confused as James as to what Remus was doing with such a ridiculous book.
"Oh shove off, Sirius! You are worse than I am. I had to prevent you from digging through Remus' trunk."
"That was months ago!"
"SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!" Remus was shocked as the other three he had yelled that loud, but it seemed to do the trick.
Sirius' eyes went wide and he dropped the book. James and Peter were watching him, surprised. Remus felt his face go red with all their eyes on him but they were all looking like they expected him to say something like they wanted him to fix this as much as he wanted to.
"I...I've...been...trying to tell you three for a week now... um..." he trailed off unsure what this great reveal would be.
"Trying to tell us what?" James asked eagerly.
"Yeah, what's up with you Remus?"
"There's...well..."
"There probably isn't anything, is there?" James asked, sounding disappointed.
"Come on, James, I'm sure there's something. Right, Remus?" Peter asked, pleadingly. With James and Sirius fighting, neither were going to Quidditch practice which meant Peter's study sessions with Remus weren't happening. In one of the few instances Peter and Remus were alone Peter had begged him to fix this, finding it as stressful as Remus did.
This was all wrong, Remus was supposed to be leaving the three be, not purposely trying to bring them all together.
But with James and Sirius being friends again, things would be much more peaceful. Remus squared his shoulders and decided there was only one thing that would bring them all together.
"I found a new secret passage." It was a lie, one he'd have to remedy quickly. But it did the trick. Sirius and James were both ecstatic, too busy trying to get more information out of him to realize they were agreeing on something.
"When can we explore it?" Sirius shouted eagerly, jumping up and down as if he expected the adventure to begin right away.
"Let's go now!" James pointed out excitedly. This would be a problem, as there was only an hour or two left before curfew, and of course, there wasn't actually a new secret passage.
"No, not now," Sirius mumbled the light leaving his eyes.
"Why not? Come on, Sirius. What in the name of Godric is going on with you?" James and Peter were now facing Sirius with accusing glances Remus had been the recipient of more than once. Sirius looked so trapped that Remus answered without thinking.
"It's not his fault, it's mine."
Once more three surprised gazes were directed at him again, Sirius seemed shocked and looked both pleadingly and guilty.
"I told Sirius...not...not to do anything...b...because...that way the surprise prank we've been planning would be even more dramatic after the break."
"You and Sirius were planning a prank together?" scoffed James, not buying it for a second. Sirius seemed to realize what a brilliant idea this was, because the light was back in his eyes and he picked up the book showing it to James like it was proof.
"Then what's this, you nitwit? That's why I was so frustrated. It was supposed to be a SURPRISE, moron!"
James looked angry, then embarrassed. To the confusion of Remus and Peter, he gestured around as if this was an answer. To Remus' surprise, Sirius gestured back in a different yet similar way, with finger flicks and movements that were almost too fast to comprehend.
James and Sirius both seemed to understand though, because a few minutes later they were grinning sheepishly at each other.
"Well, how the bloody hell was I supposed to know?" James explained defensively, but it was with good-natured friendliness.
"How about you give me more credit than thinking I'd be done with pranks. My foolish mate, we've only just begun."
Then the two were beaming at each other like before, and Remus realized he had done the impossible.
"Still, I'm impressed Remus is coming up with one."
"Ah yes, the hatchling has become a wee chick."
"Can't we come up with a better metaphor? I think others will get confused if you call me a chick," Remus sighed, but found himself grinning with the others. Things were how they were supposed to be once more.
In celebration of James and Sirius' renewed friendship, the four of them gathered in one bed, which always seemed to be Remus', and talked happily. Luckily Sirius was coming up with the epic prank they were supposed to have been planning together and James didn't seem to realize Remus hadn't said one thing about it. In fact, the only problem was that Sirius, who should have been grateful for Remus saving him, had chosen to repay him by giving Remus an important part in the prank and successfully pressuring him into being an accomplice.
"Wow, this is going to be amazing! Absolutely amazing!" James cheered quietly, everyone but Remus a little loopy from staying up all night the night prior due to Sirius and James' bickering.
"But you see the wisdom in lulling them into a false sense of security?" Sirius asked wisely, gazing at James with the kind of disappointment a mentor might have of his favorite pupil. James stuck his tongue out, which somehow led to a pillow fight.
"Ow! Watch it, Potter!"
"Watch it yourself, Black!" But they were laughing and Peter and Remus got in a few good throws, Remus truthfully aiming purposely for Sirius in an attempt to relieve frustration. But soon James and Sirius were jumping from bed to bed, launching themselves at one another with force the other two couldn't keep up with. Not that they particularly wanted to.
"Good job, Remus. James was honestly beginning to drive me mad," Peter confessed with a guilty grin hitting Remus lightly with a pillow. They were on James' bed, and Sirius and James were now on Remus' which looked like it might break.
"You know, you could always tell James no," Remus pointed out, wincing as Sirius sent James hurling against his bedpost which creaked in a warning. Remus tried not to worry about his poor bed and focused on Peter, whose baby face had tightened as he cringed with horror.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly. Then he wouldn't be my friend."
Peter's worry was all too familiar to Remus, who'd probably be a lot more like Peter if he wasn't still forcing himself to stay distant from them all.
"That's not true, Peter. James won't ever stop being your friend. If we didn't say no to them their heads would get so big they wouldn't fit in the room," Remus teased, hoping to get Peter to smile. His roommate did indeed smile, his eyes widening with delight as if he'd never considered the possibility before.
"You really mean it? He'd stay my friend no matter? Even if I don't want to go see the quidditch practice in the rain."
Remus vaguely realized he probably wasn't the right person to make such promises, but James was fairly easy to read and his affection and ease with Peter were genuine.
"Yes, I mean it. Besides, now James and Sirius can drag each other."
Peter laughed, the sound quite a wonderful one after the tense atmosphere they had been forced to put up with for too long.
"Thanks, Remus. You're a good friend."
That word always sent a jolt of panic through him, and always made him want to leave. His chest felt tight but he managed a weak smile in response.
"Come...come on, let's stop them before they break my bed."
Peter laughed again, and Remus was secretly glad he wasn't as observant as Sirius or even James was. It was nice not to have to be so on edge. Peter was an earnest simple boy, and the breath of fresh air from his other roommate's drama he often needed.
He watched as the boy waddled over trying to join in. He thought about walking over but then found the opportunity in front of him too good to pass up. Remus took the time needed to aim carefully and chucked a pillow at Sirius, putting all his frustration behind it. After all, if only Sirius wasn't so nosy and persistent then maybe he could afford to be actual friends with them all.
His aim was true, but the force was more than it should have been. The pillow hit Sirius square on the head, knocking the surprised boy right off the bed. Both James and Peter burst into laughter, Peter bending over and James flopping onto Remus' bed clutching his sides. But Remus felt guilty. Horrified, he ran over to Sirius whose face was still covered by the pillow.
This was precisely why he couldn't let his guard down with them!
"Sirius, I'm so sorry! Are you ok?" Remus cried, terrified he somehow hurt him. Of course, a pillow wouldn't cause any damage, but Remus was too flustered to realize that.
"You twat!" Sirius sat up quickly, grinning broadly and yanked Remus down to the ground, forgetting it wasn't James he was roughhousing with. Remus let out a yelp of fear and Sirius let him go immediately, all the joy fading into a dark concern. Stormy eyes gazed at him intently and Remus' desire to run increased until he couldn't bear it any longer.
"Sorry," Remus whispered, getting one glance at Sirius' stricken face before he dashed away from the room before James and Peter could stop laughing. He knew Sirius would attempt to follow him if James didn't stop him, so Remus left the common room and went to one of the many hideaways he had found. The shaky feeling in his gut did not leave him for a long time.