Messages kept piling up from men and I was truly enjoying it.
One day after having done a thorough research of all of these men on Facebook, I found a profile from the most HANDSOME guy I had ever laid eyes on – virtually that is. He was unbelievably hot. He was very athletic, tall, he had dark black hair, light colored eyes, that man was an absolute dream! So, I decided to message him. His name was Matt.
Me: Hey Matt.
Matt: Hey, you're extremely good looking. Do I know you?
Me: I don't think we know each other. I just saw your profile and thought you were very attractive and thought I should let you know.
I CRINGE every time I think of this. Those were literally the same copy-pasted words I used on every guy. It must have been a great ego boost to receive messages like that because I can assure you the answer was positive at least 95% of the time. Add Rachel's picture into the equation and BAM!
Matt: Thank you so much! You're not too bad yourself! So, what's your number? ;)
Ha! That was easy. Stupidly, I had once again given one of these random guys my actual phone number. Can you imagine? I was never even able to set a profile picture on my phone because on one side I had my real friends and on the other, I had these men. Of course, it was not too long before Matt started to ask me for more pictures, more voice notes, phone calls, facetime, skype. This guy was NOT playing games.
I became one hell of a photo shopper! I downloaded as many apps as I could find to enhance and make my pictures more attractive. The model whose pictures I was using had brand deals and pictures with watermarks that I had to blur out to make them look like they were just random fakebook pictures. Mind you, I was busy editing the fuck out of these pictures while the semester in college kept running and my grades sucking.
With time, Matt started to become more insistent on wanting to at least talk to me on the phone. He even joked about possibly being catfished. I found this guy so irresistible that I took a chance and finally answered one of this voice calls.
Nervousness was coursing ALL through my body. My heart was beating out of my chest. I could not believe this beyond attractive bachelor was calling me. No matter what I did, I refused to mess that up. He was truly one of the best-looking men who had ever taken the time to call me or text me. How was I going to give up on that and ruin it? Somehow, I had to make it work.
Matt: Hey! You finally answered!
My heart was beating out of my chest.
Me: Hey, how are you? Yeah, I was nervous to answer at first.
Matt: Wow! You have a really, really hot accent. Why on earth would you be nervous?
Me: Because, I've never been on the phone with someone I met on Facebook and have never seen in person before.
Matt: Fair enough. Don't worry, you have absolutely nothing to worry about with me. I'm pretty laid back and am definitely not going to judge you.
Okay. Let's analyze these first few words we exchanged. The compliment he gave me was bittersweet. Because I knew he was talking to me because of the pictures but that was MY voice. It was MY accent. That that little compliment was enough to get me attached and I began investing every minute of my life in trying to make this man addicted to me. I made up my whole entire life. I portrayed myself as the perfect woman and made him think HE was the lucky one who got to talk to me. He believed every single word and bullshit lie I fed him. There's a word in the English dictionary that accurately describes what I did with Matt; manipulation.
Even though at times I caught myself starting to have feelings for Matt and him being undeniably attractive, after a few phone conversations I started to realize that he was also probably the most superficial human being I had ever spoken to. He mentioned very frequently the type of car he had, the types of cars his friends drove and what brands of clothing him and his friends wore, what kinds of watches he bought, what kind of phone he had, it was always just material things he wanted me to know about him. I remember him distinctly telling that he wanted to stop talking to one of his friends because the car he drove didn't measure up to his standards.
Even If I was not a big fan of that part of him, he was still really handsome. So, I decided to keep it up and see what happens.
One day, as I was leaving my dad's house for the day, I received a phone call from Matt. Excited as always, I climbed into my car, answered the phone call and put him on speakerphone.
Matt: Hey! How's your day going?
Me: Its going pretty well. I just left my dad's house and now I'm driving home. How's yours going?d
Matt: My day just got a lot better because I get to talk to you.
I turn into a tomato.
Matt: So, I wanted to talk to you about something important. I know we haven't been talking for too long and you're probably shy and that's why you don't really want to go on webcam. But the truth is, I feel like I've known you my whole life. I can talk to you about almost anything and I don't feel weird or uncomfortable. You're funny, witty and I feel like our conversations were awesome. I could go on for hours.
I was scared because I knew where he was going with this. This sounded like an ultimatum. He liked me BUT he wanted to see me in person. OBVIOUSLY. I couldn't blame him, I mean, there he was pouring his heart out to me after weeks of having known each other. He wanted to be able to match the face to the voice. I understood it. It was the normal thing to ask for. It should be the first thing you do when you meet someone online. But it was already too late. I couldn't tell him the truth. Part of me didn't want to shatter this guy's heart and the other part of me didn't want to lose him. I was losing sight of what was right. I was already way too intricately involved.
Matt: I want to tell you something.
Wait, but I thought he was going to ask me to go on webcam like every other guy has. What is he really going to say. Now I was getting actual butterflies in my tummy. My hands were sweating and I did not know how to manage the situation and swerve the bullet. Once again, anxiety started creeping its way back into my whole body.
Matt: I love you. I've fallen in love with you and I want to do everything I can to make you happy. I want us to finally meet in person and be able to spend time together. I want to make you feel like the happiest girl in the world. I'll do anything you want me to. If you can't afford traveling, I'll pay for it or I'll even come to see you myself.
I hung up.
You've really done it this time Amanda. How are you going to get yourself out of this situation? He's literally telling me that he LOVED me. This situation was already way too familiar for me and I knew where things were going to end. All of these things got me thinking. It must be nice, you know? To have someone love you. Love you in the right situation. He was willing to do anything for me. He wanted to make me happy. But again, I didn't want to let go. I thought this was my only chance to be able to have conversations with someone who I actually found very attractive.
HE SAID HE LOVED ME.
These words starting roaming my head and tormenting me yet again. I couldn't eat, sleep or breathe without thinking about the words he said and how on earth I was going to get out of the hole I dug for myself. How on earth had I ended up in the same exact situation?
I was feeling so guilty but it was that word that made me forget all about my morals and what I had been taught my whole life. I honestly did not give a damn about him really. I guess if I did I would have told him the truth. But I had become so invested in this ¨relationship¨ that I was proud of myself once again.
As months went by, he started to realize with more distinction that he had never actually seen me in real life. Not many pictures, I strongly refused to skype or video call him. So, he began to get suspicious. More than any other man had before. I began bringing back those old excuses for not being able to do so. No WIFI, ruined computer, no phone, blah, blah, blah. I was already making up stories about having to go to the hospital and he bought them every single time. He called every single day just to make sure I was doing okay.
With time, I realized I was feeling more and more guilty. Along with that guilt, came more overeating. Slowly but surely those numbers on the scale were climbing up and I wasn't even realizing it. I was so busy trying to make him think I was this other woman that I forgot to take a second glance to the mirror and get my shit together. This was the first time a man had ever poured his feelings out to me and he was already planning on flying to my country. I never would have thought anything like that would happen to me.
As time went on, these lies kept piling one on top of the other. I started forgetting which ones I had used and he started to realize I wasn't on my game. He knew I was up to something. Now that I look back, he must have had something going on in his life as well. Maybe he wasn't as popular as he tried to make himself seem? Maybe he desperately wanted attention. The more I continue to think about it, the more I question whether or not someone would spend so much time on the internet with someone they don't know unless they desperately need that attention.
Either way, we kept talking. We both did feel ridiculously comfortable talking on the phone. At times, I even forgot I was pretending to be someone else. Personality wise, I showed this man the real me. I spoke about my feelings, my family, my everything. While we were on the phone, we simply lost track of time. All of these were more than enough reasons for me to keep talking to him.
Part of me was hoping for the best-case scenario. I wished one day out of the blue I would gather up the courage to finally tell him who I actually was. Maybe, just maybe, he would realize that I was the love of his life and decide to overlook the fact that I told him I was someone else. But in reality, who was I fooling? I was just a fat piece of shit. I knew exactly how things would go down if he found out the truth.