After having spent so much time abroad, I finally came back to my country and bounced right back into my old ways (and weight). I started eating poorly and my weight started to climb back up again because I wasn't walking anywhere near as much as I did back in New York. The worst part about that was that this was right when I was about to start college. OH, how fun was college going to be if I was over 200 pounds.
I began college. I look back and I honestly question my every decision back then. Not even my major was the right fit for me. I think we can all agree by what I've told you so far that I'm not really the best at making these decisions, or any decisions for that matter. I went for entrepreneurship. The idea of having my own business and running it seemed perfect, I really didn't give it much thought. Days went by and I made some friends but I felt like I once again, did not fit the fuck in. To this day, I'm not sure if it is because I felt way fatter than anyone else or if it was because they had completely different interests than I had. Either way, a semester and a half flew by and although I was doing good with grades, my mental health was slowly declining.
I made some friends. The one I remember most distinctly was Katy. She was very outgoing. This gal asked for my phone number literally 4 minutes after having met me. The type who was even more outgoing with men, if you know what I mean. She wasn't necessarily the best-looking girl out there. She was short, which I think made guys think of her as cute. She had short brunette hair and big eyes with looooong eyelashes. She was meh. Her and I had really fun conversations. Katy had all the experience I hadn't with men and she didn't care to tell me all about it. And by experience, I mean sex; lots of it. Honestly, she kept me entertained.
In the college, they always had a welcoming party in the beginning of the semester. These parties usually take place in a town that's 45 minutes away which we will call Zuko town.
Katy, a couple other people and I decided to drive together to Zuko town. We were ecstatic and nervous for the party. Honestly, the main goal for everyone at that party was to get absolutely hammered and just have fun. They even brought international artists to play music for us. Boy do I miss these parties! Halfway through the party and with a lot of loud mouth soup in us, Katy decided to make a confession. The plan was that we would go to the party and then spend the night at a hotel so we wouldn't have to watch what we drank.
Katy: Hey, Amanda. I have to tell you something. Remember I told you I had been seeing a guy named Todd?
Me: Yes.
Katy: Well, him and I were having a conversation a couple of days ago about my curiosity.
She looked like she was worried about what she was telling me. As if I was going to judge her or stop being her friend for it. Honestly, it sparked some curiosity in me.
Me: Curiosity about what?
Katy: Sex. I want to know what it's like to have a threesome. I've never been in one and he says he has and that he has a friend who would be willing to try it out with us.
Honestly, I've never been one to judge. I don't really care what people do or who they do it with behind closed doors.
Me: That's your confession? That you're curious about having a threesome?
Katy: Yes!!! You know how much people look down on those things. And Todd and his friend are on their way here because we're planning to do this tonight in his place.
Well that was certainly weird. We all drove to that party together. How was she going to pull that off? I was having so much fun that I decided to just brush it off and let her do her thing. After all, I wasn't being dragged into anything.
Me: You do you, boo.
As time went by, I could tell that Katy was getting more and more excited with what was going to happen. And surely, Todd finally arrived with his lady friend. These two must have been at least 38; pretty sure they were VERY close to hitting those forties. We were 17. To be completely honest, they weren't unattractive. They were the type of people who would be hired to do some modeling for the day. Not smoking but okay enough to get attention. Todd was broad shouldered, had wavy black hair, a pointy nose, and very buff arms. Bunny; his lady friend, was tall, blonde, had beautiful blue eyes and HUGE boobies. I could feel something was really fucked up about the situation though. But then again, who was I to judge?
When the party came to an end, Katy came to my friends and I with a proposal. By that time, she had already given her confession line to all of us so we all know what the rest of the night would look like for her and in turn, for us.
Katy: Okay you guys, Todd and I were talking and we have an idea for the rest of the night. Since we all drove here together, why don't we all go over to his house, you guys wait in the living room for us to do what we came here to do and then we all leave together? He told me he had beers and some food for us.
We all looked at each other and even though I'm sure most of us were completely uncomfortable with this idea, we all gave in. Why? Who the fuck knows, dude.
When we finally got to Todd's house, he brought out the beers and croissants he had promised. We were all slightly buzzed and I was hungry (of course). So, I devoured those croissants as if there was no one watching me. There must have been around two croissants for each of us and I probably ended up eating like 5.
People kept drinking and I kept eating. For you to be able to picture things more clearly, it was Katy, Todd, his lady friend (Bunny), Emily and Teresa. Out of nowhere, after having eaten at least 3 of these delicious things, I looked back. What I saw I was definitely not expecting. They were ALL kissing each other. Bunny and Katy were kissing while Todd was Frenching Teresa. Emily and I were the only ones left out of the equation. Thank god, I would have hated to be the only outcast.
I had never seen anything like it. My eyes couldn't wander anywhere else. I just wasn't sure if I was actually next to this shit show. What the actual fuck was happening? Then, they started to take each other's pants off and I started to get beyond nervous. These are the kind of things you only see in movies, right? I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a car I could drive myself back in, my phone was dead so I couldn't call my mom, I was screwed.
Once they were all horny enough to get carry on with things, Todd finally told everyone to go to the room.
Me: I'll just stay here in the living room. These croissants are great.
I tried really hard to have a polite face on while I said these words. I needed for him to leave me the fuck alone and proceed to do whatever he had planned to do with these teenage girls who were too drunk to know better.
Todd: No. Nothing in this house is private.
FUCK. This was when I thought to myself: if this 38-year-old guy is willing to have sex with a group of 17-year-old girls (mind you, this is illegal), he must be capable of anything. In my head, he probably had at least two guns hidden somewhere in the house and he wouldn't doubt using one on me. So, I'll just sit somewhere and wait the whole situation out.
I made my way into the room and I must have taken not more than 5 seconds. When I got there, Katy, Bunny, Teresa and Todd were already 100% naked. Emily and I looked at each other baffled. I can't think of any combination of movements that would have gotten all of them naked in such a short amount of time. Neither one of us knew what to do or what to say. Thankfully, there were two beds in this room so while they fooled around in one bed, Emily and I sat in the other one. I was about to cry. I couldn't believe what was going on. I looked to my right where the other bed was and what I saw was honestly disturbing. If you don't like really graphic details, you should probably stop reading this chapter right now.
To put it simply, Bunny was eating Katy out while Todd fucked her from behind; and from what I could see, he wasn't even using protection. Reckless assholes. Not only that but while Katy was being eaten out, she was also fingering Teresa. It was a live porn show. A shitty live porn show that I couldn't log out of. I tried closing my eyes very tight as if somehow things would disappear that way. Emily and I didn't know what to do or where to look. Personally, I just wanted that night to be fucking over. I was scared.
Bunny: Don't worry, Amanda. You're next. I'll eat your brains out.
Me: No, no. Don't worry, Bunny. I couldn't do anything if I wanted to. I'm on my days. I don't want this place to look like a crime scene.
Again, me trying to sound as calm as ever. Not a judgy cell in my body.
Todd: It doesn't matter. We have someone who will clean.
As he finished saying those words, he came over to the bed where Emily and I were almost hiding and sat next to Emily. He was completely naked. Without asking for authorization, he slid his hands into Emily's pants and started fingering her and she didn't exactly oppose. She was fucking enjoying it! This bitch was even moaning. So that meant I was the only one who was actually uncomfortable with the situation. I was the outcast and quite literally, once again, the fat girl who got left behind! This time, I was thankful to be considered fat and therefore unattractive.
But don't worry about me, stupid Bunny came to my rescue. She sat on me, completely naked and her huge boobs were almost smothering my face. Down from where I was laying, I couldn't even see her face because of how big her breasts were. I had envisioned losing my virginity SO many ways but this was definitely now one of them and I was scared. There were also a lot of ways that night could have ended, but I never thought that was the way it would. She started trying to kiss me and I started to look elsewhere. But she was determined to do so.
Todd: Come on, Amanda. Have a little fun! Nothing that happens here will ever leave this room. You girls are safe here.
He thought I was worried about secrets leaving that room. That was the least of my worries. I didn't want to get fucking raped by these unknown, 6-years-too-old-assholes. That moment was when I realized that people change when it comes to sex. Outside of the bedroom, they all act like normal, civilized human beings. But everything goes out the window once clothes hit the floor.
To this point I was already fed up. I wanted to get the fuck out of there. I either left the room at that moment or I would have to stay there for the whole remaining part of the show. I pushed Bunny to the side in kind of a violent way, I stood up and left. I looked for another one and I found another two-bed room down the hall. I was so tired and I guess I had used all of that energy battling with Bunny that I passed out after laying on that bed. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I passed out because I was tired or because maybe Todd had slipped something in our drinks. I mean, I was the only one who didn't go crazy sexual because I was the only one who actually ate more and forgot about drinking. Who knows, though.
The next day, I woke up by some strange noise. The nightmare wasn't over. And sure enough, there was Todd standing next to my bed. He was completely naked and his dick was right next to my face.
Todd: I'm sorry, Amanda. I just really wanted to fuck you last night and you were the only one who wouldn't let me.
ENOUGH! It was already light out so I stood up and walked outside of that freaking house. As tired and hungover as I was, I managed to walk back to the hotel to charge my phone and call my mom. I couldn't give her much detail because she would freak the fuck out but I asked her to pick me up because I was feeling very uncomfortable. As always, my mom was my savior and I love her to death for it.
All of my inner problems and struggles came lose after that night. It was as if all of my demons had gotten together and grown exponentially. Everything changed for me. I continued to feel disgusted when I looked at myself in the mirror and every day was a nightmare from the moment I woke up because I had nothing to wear that I liked in the slightest. I started feeling appalled by myself. I felt dirty. I didn't know how to deal with the fact that I had been forced to watch something I wasn't ready for. I was a virgin. I had never seen anything even remotely close to that. The scene kept playing in my head over and over and I couldn't let that go.
All of this piled inside of me and again, I turned to old habits. Not only did I go back to binge eating like there was no tomorrow but yes, I went back on that stupid fake profile. It is unbelievable how addictive it can to receive compliments from the opposite sex; especially when you're as depressed as I was. They were all GORGEOUS. Of course, they were men that would never turn to me in real life because of my weight. But even though these were fake compliments, it was better than getting none at all.
Days went by and my friend list began climbing up once again. I had plenty men to choose from and I would truly just message them based on how hot I thought they were. Which is exactly what I hated men for. How ironic, huh? There I was complaining that all men care about are looks but I was the one who judged every single one of them based on their pictures. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the hell of a ride I was in for.