TWs: Small Implications of Abuse and a Traumatic Event
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Remus was right to suspect all three boys would bother him more now. What he assumed was the next morning, resulted in him being woken up at what must be at least the crack of dawn from Sirius flinging himself on top of him, singing in an obnoxiously cheerful voice.
"When it's early in the morning over by the window day dawning when I feel the air I feel that life is very good to meeeeeeeee!" Sirius sang loudly, clearly not noticing the way the boy under him had tensed badly and seemed unable to breathe.
Luckily Remus was able to bite back a strangled scream, realizing pretty quickly that the person splayed out on top of him was too small to be the shadow man. Still, he did not appreciate being woken up this way, not when he was actually getting much-needed sleep. He groaned loudly and attempted to shove off the boy, sticking a hand in his face in an attempt to stop his horrible singing. "Go away. I'm sleepy."
"Oh come on, you are usually awake before any of us. Come on, let's go have an adventure!" Sirius encouraged, bouncing up and down as if he physically could not standstill.
"Sirius has lost his mind. Remus, the only thing to do now is to go along with it or kill him. I'll let you decide," grumbled James, sounding as tired and bitter as Remus felt about Sirius' unwanted wake-up call. Remus did feel a bit better though that Sirius hadn't just singled him out again.
"James, I give you permission to throw him out the window," Remus yawned, earning Sirius' mock gasp of horror. James gave a gruff laugh as he got to his feet and walked over. The boy with very messy black hair grabbed Sirius, finally yanking him off Remus' bed.
"Traitors, the lot of you!" howled Sirius dramatically as James caught him in a headlock.
Remus sat up, watching the comedic duo struggle with one another. He bit back a smile at their antics and looked over at the only boy who wasn't awake yet.
"You didn't wake, Peter?" he asked, surprised Sirius would leave him out on what his hyper roommate seemed to think would be a grand time. Sirius scoffed as he finally slipped away from a very tired-looking James, hair askew.
"Bloody hell, I tried! I don't think anything can wake him up! I even tried rolling him off the bed but he just snored and nearly crushed me," whined Sirius with even more mock offense. The boy seemed practically jittery and for the life of him Remus could not figure out where all his energy came from.
"Lucky bastard," muttered James who was trying and failing to brush down his wild mop of hair.
He gave Remus a look that clearly said 'I wish I was sleeping right now.' He nodded to James in understanding and sympathy as Sirius tried and failed to wake Peter again. Pettigrew, it seemed, had a magical spell around him that prevented anyone from ever disturbing his sleep.
"This ought to be the last time we give him sugar is what I reckon. Fell into a sleep coma perhaps?" Sirius mused, walking around with a hand to his chin like he was some sophisticated professor trying to figure out a particularly difficult puzzle. Remus covered his mouth, feigning a yawn, to prevent a laugh. James had no such qualms however, and was laughing at Sirius failing at being quiet.
"No James, you mustn't encourage him," Remus found himself saying in a playful way. He earned a grin from James, who seemed to have warmed up to him some.
Sirius placed a hand over his heart and collapsed on top of Peter with the most dramatic groan yet. "Peter, you are my only true friend."
"I think it's Sirius we shouldn't let have so much sugar again," Remus responded again, finding teasing the excited boy as easy as breathing.
Sirius bounced off Peter, who would no doubt be sore when he did wake up, and stuck his tongue at Remus biting back his own laugh. "Fine, I've given up on Peter. He is a lost cause! You two follow me!"
"Not bloody likely! What time is it?" James sounded indignant and Remus was surprised that he didn't feel the same way. Strangely enough, he actually wanted to follow Sirius on whatever adventure he had planned.
What had gotten into him this morning?
"Five in the morning. But trust me, you'll want to come or you'll regret it." Sirius' air of mystery quickly swayed James. Even though Remus pretended to put up more resistance. it wasn't long before they all were tiptoeing into the Common Room.
"Did you sleep at all?" James whispered at Sirius, who shrugged in response.
Remus had to reassure himself that since it was technically morning they weren't breaking rules. Still, he felt out of place and very nervous as they tiptoed through deserted halls. It occurred to Remus that Sirius could be lying about the time and it could actually be much earlier.
In fact, Remus didn't feel like he had gotten much sleep at all, and in hindsight, it couldn't have been that long if Sirius hadn't woke him up from a nightmare. His fears were confirmed as they passed by a large window and Remus got a glimpse of the waning moon high in the night sky.
"Sirius, it's more like one in the morning!" Remus hissed, his now indignation over the situation making him bold. He couldn't believe Sirius. The reckless boy would get them all in trouble! James seemed amused by this and shoved Sirius.
"It will be worth it!" the twelve-year-old shot back in his defense, sounding practically giddy, "This is a momentous occasion!"
"Then we really should have waited for Peter. You know how much he loves sneaking around the castle," James pointed out, sounding quite guilty.
Remus caught a glimpse of Sirius' shrug but he could only see the faint outlines of his roommates now as they were plunged into darkness. Remus' attention now had to be on following his roommates and not fretting over Sirius' deception and the fact they were in the midst of breaking multiple school rules.
This was because they were now running through the halls, Remus following as close as he could behind them. He was terrified that his roommates had heard an approaching professor and that's why they ran. But when they finally stopped he could overhear their whispered protests about who had won the race, and the real motive for running became clear.
"That's it, I'm going back to the dorm," he fumed once his heart had stopped threatening to leave his chest.
"Aw no, you can't do that, Remus! We're almost there. Look, we won't get in trouble! Peter, James, and I have gone out several times and we haven't got caught yet."
"It's against the rules."
"So what? Come on Lupin, lighten up a little." James sounded so confident and calm now despite the fact he hadn't wanted to go in the beginning either.
But now it was just Remus with a problem, like usual. James had been very accurate in calling him a wet blanket. Well, he'd rather be that than get in trouble... and get too close to his roommates.
They didn't at all care about the rules and they were far too witty not to eventually catch on to his disappearances matching up with the full moon. He felt a lump get stuck in his throat as the familiar terror closed in on him. He hadn't even realized he started trembling until he felt Sirius' hand on his shoulder, his concerned eyes looking down at him.
"If you really want to go back, we can."
"What!? Sirius, we came so far though!" James exclaimed far too loudly. Any minute now they were bound to be caught.
"Shut it, James. Hey...I mean it, Remus."
He knew Sirius did mean it, just wasn't sure why.
Why wasn't Sirius irritated with him for being a wet blanket like James was? How could someone who appeared so rambunctious and immature one minute become so serious and mature the next?
"Why?" he whispered, his voice cracking, he hoped James who was now a little ways away couldn't hear him.
"I don't want you to be miserable. But look..." Then Sirius lowered his voice even more, so quiet that Remus had to lean in slightly to hear him. He didn't know Sirius even had it in him to be this quiet, he was both impressed and terrified by what he might say.
"Your dad isn't here, though. We won't get caught. Please stop fighting us all the time, Remus. Would it really be the worse thing to let yourself have fun? Well, would it?"
"...No..."
"Then will you come with us?"
Once more Remus found himself desperately wanting to say yes. He wasn't sure why exactly, wasn't sure what it was about Sirius that made him want to...want to be normal. He felt Sirius slip his hand into his and squeeze it.
"Come on, Remus...just give us a chance. Please," he sounded so desperate...like he didn't just want but needed Remus to agree. Remus felt his heart clench painfully and he knew he couldn't say no as much as he felt he had to.
"Just this once," he whispered. Sirius beamed at him in that charming contagious smile he sometimes used to get what he wanted. Remus didn't return it though, feeling he had just made a grave mistake. Sirius didn't seem to mind though, nor did he let go of Remus' hand. He turned to face James who was watching them with a perplexed look on his face he only usually got over his Herbology homework. Sirius smirked victoriously and James rolled his eyes grinning.
"Full steam ahead, mate."
"About time. Let's go!"
An impatient James took off without waiting for them but fell back when he realized he had no idea where they were going. Remus followed on the right side of Sirius while James was on the left. He figured Sirius was holding James' hand too, that it was just another normal boy thing he didn't understand. So he didn't try to yank his hand away, not until they reached a corridor he recognized from his own exploration of the castle.
But that's not what made him pull away from Sirius' firm handhold. Instead, it was the faint noise he heard. In the stillness of the castle, it was much easier to hear things one might have otherwise missed, especially someone with excellent hearing like Remus had.
"Someone is coming. Hide!" he hissed at his roommates, pulling out of the grip so he could attempt to find someplace to avoid getting caught.
"Over here," Sirius hissed back. He darted for the statue of Gregory the Smarmy that marked the entrance of the Gregory Smarmy Corridor.
Remus didn't have time to marvel at the fact that both James and Sirius instinctively trusted his judgment, even though by the surprise on their faces they hadn't heard what he had. Nor did he have time to question the fact he, in turn, was trusting Sirius' seemingly lax judgment to gather around the small statue that couldn't possibly hide all of them.
By this point, he could tell James and Sirius had heard the footsteps too. The two boys both froze at the same moment, then Sirius went back to kneeling on the floor behind the statue. The Back heir was tapping bricks, then swearing, and tapping them again.
"Whatever you're doing mate you best hurry," James encouraged, sounding just a bit stressed.
Remus wasn't sure how he could always appear so calm. Remus found he himself wasn't even able to breathe! If they were caught surely he wouldn't be allowed to stay. Remus couldn't have already overstayed his welcome at Hogwarts, he simply couldn't allow it. All the hard work up to now and he had thrown it away for what? Because he couldn't say no to his dumb roommate?
"Hurry," Sirius whispered. A grating sound echoed loudly as a gaping hole appeared where before there was just a brick wall.
Remus neither had time to question how Sirius found this nor if it was a trap. He dove in after James and heard a grinding sound again just as the clacking of heels became terrifyingly clear. He caught a glimpse of someone's shadow cast from the lamp they were holding before he was swallowed by darkness. His heart was once more hammering loudly in his chest, but by the silence that followed, he assumed he wasn't the only one.
"That was bloody brilliant!"
"Shh blimey, Sirius we are this close to getting detention," James half shouted half laughed, just as loud as Sirius had been.
Remus, the closest to the exit, pressed his ear to the wall straining to hear the sound of a disapproving professor or suspicious caretaker. When he heard nothing, he finally allowed himself to relax.
"I will graciously forgive you and blame your lack of excitement on the fact we nearly got detention. But now I expect to be showered with praise," Sirius rejoiced smugly to them. Neither Remus nor James seemed to share his enthusiasm, though Remus was secretly surprised James didn't.
"You're mental. I'm friends with a lunatic," his roommate sounded breathless, but Remus now recognized James was just giving Sirius a hard time and was in fact as excited as him.
"Oh, come off it! What about you, Remus? What do you think?"
Unsure if encouraging Sirius was a better idea or a worse one than rebuking him, Remus decided to play it safe on the middle ground.
"How did you find this place?" Remus questioned simply.
"Loads of exploring and sticking my nose where it doesn't belong," Sirius beamed.
"You can say that again," scoffed James, but he was unmistakably delighted now.
"Where does it lead?" Remus pressed.
"Always the practical one aren't you, Remus? Quit asking questions and tell me what you think."
"Well...it's...awfully cramped and dark, isn't it?" Remus decided.
James snorted at his comment, and Remus felt his cheeks get hot, glad for the complete blackness preventing vision.
"Be nice, James. Remus is a hatchling; we must nurture him and show him our ways," scolded Sirius, but he sounded amused too. Remus bristled with annoyance: both of them were insane!
What was so great about this cramped little room? What was the point in risking getting in trouble to stand in this dark area that smelled like sweaty sneakers?
"Maybe if you told me what we are doing here?" he offered, unable to keep the edge of defensiveness out of his voice.
"This, my little hatchling, is a secret passage," Sirius proclaimed proudly.
"A what?" Remus stopped sulking and actually turned around to face where Sirius and James were behind him. Now that he stopped for a minute he could recognize there was indeed more space than he had originally given credit for.
It hadn't occurred to him that this wasn't a dark niche. but a sort of tunnel that could actually lead somewhere. It made sense that James and Sirius laughed at him now. Worse still, Remus found himself interested once more, a sense of excitement filling him as he wondered where this could lead to.
"A secret passage can be used to exit or enter a building without being seen. Used for escape, movement of people and goods, or simply stealthy travel," Sirius recited, sounding a great deal like Lily who often quoted an answer directly from a book. James laughed again, always one for making fun of Lily who got under his skin almost as easily as the Slytherins did.
"Really, I had no idea such a thing existed," Remus exclaimed, allowing his words to drip with the sarcasm he often used with his roommates. Sirius scoffed and reached out in the dark to ruffle his hair, which was his typical response when he had no comeback to Remus. Considering he couldn't see any more than anyone else Sirius ended up poking Remus in the eye instead, apparently thinking Remus was shorter than he actually was.
"Watch it!" Remus hissed, jerking back and slamming his elbow into the wall.
"Sorry, sorry."
"Will you two quit messing around so we can get onto what's important. Sirius, what's at the end of this baby?"
"Don't know, I waited to go any further."
"Aw, I'm touched!" James gushed dramatically, but did indeed sound sincere about it. Remus found himself touched, even though he convinced himself he had only been included at the last minute, merely another one of Sirius' impulsive ideas.
He was merely replacing Peter this one time. He'd make sure they would realize this. But as they staggered through the dark passage, bumping into one another and shooting witty comments around, Remus was hit with the troubling realization that he was having a lot of fun.
However, exhaustion took over fun as they walked and walked...and walked with seemingly no end in sight.
"Sirius I'm beginning to think this one is a dud," James finally admitted, but the stubborn boy who brought them here refused to listen to logic so they kept going. The ground had gotten cold and wet, a sad fact due to their PJs and bare feet.
"There has to be something?" Sirius muttered.
"Mate, give it up. We're going to die down here," James grumbled.
"...yeah...ok...," Sirius sounded so disheartened his voice wavered. Remus was surprised to hear he was almost in tears. This alarmed him, because while they had all spent a good half hour fantasizing about treasure, which James and Sirius assured him would be better than old books, Remus didn't find the lack of such treasure to be a big deal.
"Sirius, are you ok?" James asked, sounding as taken aback as Remus felt.
"Yeah...just...wanted to find something...," he grumbled, any trace of tears gone from his voice. But Remus suspected he was crying. It was too dark to see, but he just had this feeling about it. It took a lot of slow and careful maneuvers, since he didn't want to jab Sirius as he had him, but eventually, Remus found Sirius' hand.
He was nervous the boy would yank away from him, unsure if this was appropriate normal boy behavior or not. But Sirius squeezed his hand back hard. Even though Remus wanted to go back into the warmth of the dorms, he also didn't want Sirius to cry. It only took him a few seconds to recognize which option was more important to him.
"We have to be close now. The water has gotten a fraction deeper and it has to be coming from somewhere."
There was a stunned silence, and Remus wondered if they were mad at him. But Sirius was still holding his hand, so he figured that wasn't the case.
"You really want to continue?" Sirius asked, sounding stunned. So that's why they had gone so quiet! Even Remus was surprised by himself, so he couldn't blame them for being so shocked.
"I'm not actually a wet blanket," he replied with more bravado than he felt with just the right mix of lightheartedness that James didn't take the jab too seriously. In fact, it seemed to be just the push James needed.
"Damn straight, Remus. Neither am I!"
"Nor I! Alright, then that settles this! Let's finish this like men!"
Remus actually laughed this time with James, and he thought it went awfully silent again, but figured he must have imagined it. It only took a few seconds of silence for James, now seemingly reenergized, to launch into a tale about the time he broke a vase filled with a great aunt's ashes at his house by riding a broomstick indoors.
"My parents actually yelled at me, which really upset me since I was a mere lad back then! But then my mother said she found the thing rather ugly and we all ended up laughing."
Remus felt Sirius, whose hand was still in his, tense. Remus didn't need to wonder why. He knew Sirius was imagining the same thing he was, what would've happened if one of them had done that in their respective homes. He knew for both him and Sirius it would have ended up with much more severe repercussions.
James must not have been holding Sirius's hand, or if he did, didn't notice his friend going rigid because he finished his story in the same chipper tone by explaining that's how he got his own private flying lessons.
"Because my mum said she'd rather re-gift ugly china than have it be broken," chortled James, who even those who didn't know him very well, knew he thought the world of his parents. A fact that was no doubt hard for Sirius to swallow.
Remus was beginning to realize why Sirius had been so desperate to accept the fact that Remus understood. Knowing that Sirius understood a little bit of what Remus had been through was both disheartening and oddly comforting, and he figured Sirius felt the same.
"There...blimey! We did it, mates!" James shouted. The plip-plop of his footsteps could be heard as he ran through the water towards a faint light in the distance.
"Are you ok?" Remus asked once James was out of earshot. But if Sirius heard he pretended not to.
Instead, he let out a whopping shout and ran after James, once more dragging Remus along. This time Remus was in better health. As the full moon was nearly a week ago, he found it easier to keep up with Sirius. Soon all three of them were peering through a wooden door that was sealed stuck, trying to see through it.