TW: Mentions of Bullying
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Remus sat squared off against Sirius who seemed to have no qualms that he had come out on top of their interaction.
"You stop yourself from having fun. Stop yourself from enjoying things. Because you want to be my friend desperately and you know it," Sirius taunted all but gloating at his win.
Remus feigned amusement. He too could play this game. He had been taking notes from James and Sirius' interactions and he was able to mimic their banter quite well now.
"Aren't you rather full of yourself," Remus pointed out slowly.
"I'm the birthday boy so I get to be! And I get a wish!" Sirius bounced up and down letting out a victorious whoop which almost caused Remus to lose his composure entirely.
"Do you now?" Remus was trying very hard not to smile but the confusion on Sirius's face made it impossible.
"What? Why are you smiling like that? Remus tell meeeee," Sirius whined using his obnoxiousness to hide his uncomfortableness. Remus quite liked having the upper hand, it made him bold, and perhaps a bit foolish.
"Tell you what?" He teased feigning innocence.
"This isn't fair. You can't tease me, I'm the birthday boy!" Sirius complained flopping on the bed and kicking his feet in the air like a little child throwing a tantrum.
"So you've mentioned." Remus remained calm, watching Sirius' flailing with an outer detached indifference.
"That means you have to be nice to me," Sirius pouted, sitting up and bouncing on the bed once more while making purposefully silly faces at Remus. The blank-faced boy almost laughed. Once more Remus found himself enjoying his interactions with Sirius no matter how hard he tried not to.
"I don't remember agreeing to that," Remus pointed out, now sounding a bit smug himself.
"But you agreed to give me a wish!" Sirius hollered, his bouncing stopping abruptly.
"So your wish is that I will be nice to you today?" Remus asked with a slight smile.
"Yes! Wait, no...no no-no." Sirius backtracked quickly realizing his mistake.
"Too late," Remus teased.
"Wait. No. That's not fair!" Sirius pleaded, scooching closer to Remus and holding out his hands in a distinct threat of being on the verge of commencing tickling.
"Alright fine. What's your wish?" Remus asked quickly, wondering what it was about boys his age and wrestling, pillow fights, and tickling. Surely such activities couldn't be that much fun!
Sirius looked triumphant and pointed at Remus joyfully.
"You have to be my friend!" Sirius taunted.
Remus wasn't surprised by the wish. He had in fact been expecting it. Part of him wanted to simply give in and agree. But even if he decided that having friends was acceptable, which he hadn't, he was too stubborn to let Sirius win.
"I will take that into account for next year," Remus mused, watching the cockiness fade from Sirius' maddening grin.
"Hah!...wait...what?"
"I did say I'd grant you a birthday wish, but I didn't say when."
Sirius' eyes bugged as his face flushed. The young Black looked livid, unused to being the one who was a step behind. Then the birthday boy seemed to calm down quickly and just looked begrudgingly impressed.
"Well, bloody hell. Every time I think I have you pegged Remus, you go and do something unexpected."
Remus flashed him a smile, because he knew this is what was expected. He had won, had skilfully avoided becoming Sirius's friend.
So why did he feel so miserable about it?
"Haaaaaaappy Birthday to you~!" sang James and Peter, entering with a large cake that needed to be held by both of them. It looked magnificent, covered in chocolate frosting with clumps of strawberries on top and neat handwriting saying 'Happy Birthday!'
"Haha, Woah. This is massive! How did you clumsy gits manage to go undetected?" Sirius asked, sounding highly amused.
"With a little bit of help," came an older female's voice.
Then someone Remus didn't know stepped around the door. She was much older than them and had dark brown hair that was styled in a pixie cut. Her eyes matched her hair perfectly and they were crinkled with happiness.
"Drommie!" Sirius cried delighted and rushed to her. The young Black hugged her, looking like a small kid. She laughed and tugged him off her, ruffling his hair fondly.
"I know we haven't gotten to talk much, but I figured I ought to do something for your birthday," the teenager explained cheerfully.
"You made this then? Bloody brilliantly, you're a fantastic baker!" Sirius cheered.
"Well, I should think so after the hours my mum made me slave away in front of a stove. Never understood why the House-elves couldn't do it, but she said a proper lady must have a 'proper hobby.'"
"And you were rubbish at all the other ones," Sirius finished with a smirk, clearly having heard this before.
"Watch yourself, cheeky." She flicked his nose, but grinned good-naturedly at her cousin. For Remus now understood she was Andromeda, the one cousin Sirius seemed to actually like. Andromeda, who had been kept away from Sirius at all cost because of her older sister Bellatrix.
But Remus knew that Sirius and Andromeda had hung out a few times while Bellatrix was suspended. Apparently, a suspension was a rather rare punishment at Hogwarts. But Bellatrix had certainly earned it for what she had done to Sirius. The suspended witch had been cooped up in the Slytherin dungeons, on house arrest unless she was serving her multiple detentions. Remus had overheard several Ravenclaws whispering in horrified awe that Bellatrix had served the detention with multiple professors, and that they had lasted all day while other students were in class. Sirius had deemed the punishment fitting, especially when he heard his cousin had fallen in the mud during her five-hour detention with Hagrid.
"Will you be staying long?" Sirius asked eagerly.
"I'm afraid I can't. I told Bella I was looking over an exam with Professor Flitwick. That was the only way I could get away," Andromeda explained apologetically.
Sirius deflated, his excited eyes dulling into a painful disappointment.
"Don't look at me like that, Sirius. I'm trying, I really am. It's just hard with how our family is. But cheer up, I got you a present. But you must promise me not to use it on my sisters. I mean it," she scolded Sirius, who had broken into a rather wicked grin at the mention.
"Oh, I'll be a perfect angel, Drommie. What is it?"
She scoffed, not believing him for a second. However, she must have made peace with the fact her sisters may be targets, since she handed Sirius what turned out to be several fanged frisbees.
"Oh, they're brilliant, Drommie."
Sirius' cousin smiled and ruffled his hair, wishing him a happy birthday, then left quickly. James, who had set down the massive cake with Peter's help, was now hanging off Sirius' elbow.
"We ought to use those banned beauties immediately," James pointed out, eyeing the strange frisby shaped objects hopefully.
"Hands off, Potter. They are mine. And worry not, we will keep these safe until the perfect occasion arrives."
Both James and Sirius had rather evil glints in their eyes, looking wild with excitement. Remus rolled his eyes. Still, knowing he wouldn't be the victim made it easier to enjoy their antics. After all, Sirius and James made a point of only harassing those who deserved it, or more accurately, who they thought deserved it.
More often than not, this consisted of Severus and the group of Slytherins who seemed to have accepted the unpleasant Slytherin boy conditionally. Remus knew repercussions would be coming, based on how boastful James and Sirius always were about their antics against the Slytherins. But neither of his roommates seemed to care. In fact, only Peter seemed to share Remus' worries and the boy had made it clear he wouldn't talk back to James and Sirius.
As chance would have it, Sirius' birthday fell on a Friday this year. That meant their classes were shorter. So after their lessons, Remus' roommates had the afternoon to celebrate. Apparently, they had planned quite the party because when Remus entered the common room it was overflowing with students. Music was blaring as enchanted trays floated around with drinks and food.
How they had managed this, Remus couldn't begin to understand! He saw Sirius on top of a table downing pumpkin juice with a speed that would surely get the boy in trouble when he was allowed to drink alcohol. Sirius was predictably soaking up the attention. Apparently, the birthday boy along with James had somehow managed to earn the respect of several older students. In fact, the whole Quidditch team was celebrating, probably because they were quite familiar with James and Sirius. The two hounded the practices and were the loudest fans at games. Of course, Remus had never been, but it was one of the many stories Peter had recanted to Remus whether he wanted to hear them or not.
Resigning himself to an afternoon spent alone in the library, for even Lily was enjoying herself with her roommates, Remus slipped away before he could be noticed. He made his way into the solitude that was both comforting and terribly lonely.
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"Where's Lily?"
Remus looked up about fifteen minutes after he arrived at the library to find Severus glowering at him as if he was the reason Lily wasn't here. The Slytherin's hair was combed back in an attempt to disguise the unfortunate greasy hair the boy could never seem to be rid of. Severus was watching Remus with his arms crossed over his chest, his foot tapping impatiently. There was a constant look of displeasure on his face which probably came from being pretty ostracized from his house.
"At Sirius' birthday party," Remus answered hesitantly, eyeing the Slytherin's wand sticking out of his pocket warily.
Severus' already unfriendly expression got even more unpleasant. Even though Remus wanted him to leave, he gestured to the chair across from him.
"Would you like to study with me?"
Severus looked surprised, then seemed disgusted. Remus was sure he'd leave but instead, he sat down, pulling out a book and disappearing behind it.
Remus was in no hurry to break the silence and they studied for a while, a rather tense atmosphere between them. Quite suddenly Severus slammed his book down, startling Remus badly.
"Sorry," he said cooly, sounding anything but. He was staring at him as if he wanted Remus to burst into flames, and it made Remus even more uncomfortable. But he held Severus' gaze warily, unsure what the angry-looking boy was thinking.
"Why do you always hang out with us? Why can't you hang out with your own friends?" Severus snapped, glowering at Remus. He knew no matter what his answer, it wouldn't be good enough for Severus. Feeling tired Remus responded truthfully, if not a bit coldly himself.
"I have no friends."
He wasn't expecting much of a reaction, but Severus leaped out of his seat as if he'd been burned. Remus turned this way and that wildly, looking for James or Sirius. However, he saw no one that could have attempted to hex or have actually hexed Severus.
They were the only two in the library at the moment.
He turned back around confused, and found Severus pointing at him spluttering. The angry boy's usually narrowed eyes were wide as saucers which somehow made him appear a bit more childlike and therefore slightly more pleasant.
"You...you...you..."
"What's wrong? What did I do?" he asked nervously, replaying every interaction he'd ever had with Severus through his mind. He was sure he had never done anything to Severus. Remus had never said anything to make Severus suspect his secrets, so it puzzled him why he was being looked at as if he had grown horns.
"You...you really don't know?" the wide-eyed boy asked suspiciously. Remus shook his head, sincerely baffled. Severus stared at him for a moment then seemed to collect himself and sat back down.
"Why don't you have any friends?" he asked, his tone closer to indifference than disgust now. It was quite an improvement, and it stunned Remus into telling the truth.
"I can't." He caught himself and shook his head, hoping Severus wouldn't care enough to pursue it. He didn't, just shot Remus a confused and a rather calculating look, then went back to studying much to Remus' relief. A whole half-hour passed, the air much less tense. Remus was still baffled as to how he had seemed to gain some approval from Severus.
He was about to pack up and leave, wanting to make sure the Gryffindor Common Room wasn't on fire, when Severus slammed his book on the table again.
"What about James and Sirius?" he accused angrily.
"What about them?" Remus asked warily.
"Well, they're your friends!"
Remus shook his head, quickly snuffling the little voice that had immediately responded 'I wish.'
"No, they aren't," Remus replied cooly.
There was a long silence, but Severus didn't pick up his book. The Slytherin boy seemed to be thinking through something carefully. His gaze on the table was so intense it was like he was putting together a puzzle with his eyes.
"You know they are terrible bullies, don't you?"
Remus almost... almost came to his roommates' defenses. He thought about pointing out the fact that Severus and the group of Slytherins he belonged to were the real bullies. James and Sirius were...yes bullies, but they were bullies of the bullies, which seemed a bit better.
However, Remus remembered the way Sirius harassed him even though he was innocent and wondered how many other suspected bullies they targeted were innocent as well. He frowned, remembering Dumbledore's words on justice. Even if James and Sirius didn't think it, what they were doing was wrong. He may not always attempt to stop them but he surely wasn't going to defend them.
"Yes, I know. They bullied me in the beginning. I know how...cruel they can be."
Severus scoffed once more, all but ignoring Remus' own problem, preferring to complain about his own.
"That's nothing, they were practically playing with you. Like a boy pulling a girl's pigtail," he laughed quite cruelly at this, seeming very amused by something Remus didn't really get. He supposed he ought to be offended that Severus referred to him as a girl, but the expression was so foreign to him he just felt bewildered.
"Me, on the other hand, I've been in the medical ward twice because of them. They cursed me, and they are so dumb the curse didn't even work as intended! But I still ended up with welts in the hospital wing!" Severus shouted absolutely outraged. He was on his feet, eyes blazing with an intense hatred that reminded Remus of his uncle. He flinched, hoping Severus would calm down.
"I'm sorry."
"Are you? Yeah, right! What do you do about it?"
"I've tried to stop it." Remus realized this wasn't exactly true. However, it seemed like the necessary thing to say and it shut Severus up, which was quite nice.
"You have?" Severus asked in a small voice that seemed really familiar, but Remus was too preoccupied to think of why.
"Yes, I've attempted to talk reason into them. But they don't really care about my opinion," Remus pointed out calmly. This was really stretching the truth, because all he had said was "must you give Severus such a hard time?"
But the fact James and Sirius didn't listen and didn't seem to care about his opinion was the truth. They had both laughed at him and what they thought had been one of his sarcastic comments rather than a real suggestion. Severus sat back down, stunned and unsure.
"Oh."
"I'm sorry," he found himself repeating, only sounding a little more sincere than he felt. Severus regarded him sternly, reminding Remus of a professor gazing at a particularly unliked and stupid student who passed a test, and cheating was definitely suspected. Remus shifted under the scrutiny, unsure why he should be the one on trial here.
But he did feel guilty. Remus honestly hadn't done much to divert Sirius and James' attention away from the other children they bullied. He had been too relieved they weren't going after him and too nervous such persistence would result in him being a target once again. He just wanted to spend his Hogwarts days in a haze of peace and isolation. Somehow he was failing terribly at obtaining both.
Silence fell between the boys again, each lost in their own thoughts. After a long time, Severus seemed to make up his mind.
"I suppose we can study together more often than. I've stopped Lily from letting you study with us as much as I could."
Remus was taken aback, both that Severus had come to this conclusion and that his tone suggested Remus should be at his feet adoring him for bestowing such a privilege.
Remus almost said "no thank you" just to wipe the smug look off Severus' face, but with years of forced maturity, he offered a small thank you instead.
Deep down he knew Severus was as insecure as him. Lily had let certain details of the boy's depressing life slip more than once. But the way he went about defending himself was so...so irritating that he tested Remus' patience almost as much as his roommates did. At least he didn't have to share a room with Severus. He thanked Godric he hadn't been placed in Slytherin.
"Potter and Black will get it, just you wait," Severus muttered darkly. Remus felt a chill run up him as he realized amongst Severus' belongings was a very off-limits-looking book on dark arts for beginners. Severus caught him staring at it with unveiled horror, and he glowered before shoving the book into his bag.
"A gift from my father. You better warn Potter and Black that they are messing with the wrong wizard." Then he got up and left, perhaps sensing, at last, the deep discomfort he caused Remus.
He sat there a while longer, deep in thought about Severus and what sort of threat he may pose to his roommates. Remus knew that he shouldn't care so much about the nitwits, but he sort of did. Thoroughly frustrated with the events of the day, he shoved his books into his bag and slowly made his way through hallways to search once more for the perfect spot he could study in, free from boisterous roommates or gloomy Slytherins.
After hours of walking through the castle and grounds with no luck of finding a perfect place he gave up. Remus had been unusually unlucky, finding his usual hiding spots unavailable due to a great many Hufflepuffs who seemed to like little nooks and crannies as much as he did. A few of the first year Hufflepuffs had been kind enough to wave him over to join them on a windowsill they were perched on, but Remus was not in the mood to be around anyone. Feeling disappointed Remus headed back to the dorm, hoping the party had died down. This was not the case though, and when he slipped into the dorm it was still loud and full of people.
"There you are!" James rushed over to him, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet and riding his sugar high like a champ.
Remus remembered the last time he himself had so much candy he was that hyper. Remus' mother had taken the day as a triumph, while his father was disgusted he had lost control of himself. He couldn't help but smile at James, even though he felt a bit jealous of the boy's ease.
"I was studying."
"Yeah, I bet you were, you party pooper!"
He was taken aback by James' sudden attention. Prior to today, James seemed to be fine with ignoring him. Chalking it up to the sugar rush, Remus tried to brush him off but James grabbed his arm.
"Come on mate, join in on the fun for once. Quit being such a wet blanket," goaded the hyper boy, giving Remus a shake.
"That's ok, James. I'm awfully tired." Remus figured this would be enough but James didn't seem persuaded. If anything, he seemed more determined to get Remus to join in on the fun.
"None of that today, it's Sirius' birthday! He got all gloomy for a while when you left so you have to make it up to him!"
Remus tried to say he owned Sirius nothing of the sort because they weren't friends. But like usual, his protests fell on deaf ears. James ignored him and dragged him over to an area where it seemed like all the first years were. All of them lounging around, a very large pile of candy in between them.
Sirius sat in a fluffy armchair looking like a king on a throne. Everyone seemed to be having fun, or at least were gorging themselves on the exquisite candy.
"Well, of course, we are going to beat Hufflepuff!" shouted Noah, who was one of the first year Gryffindors.
"I can't wait to learn the growing spell!" Jeremiah chattered excitedly with Mary.
"We better start actually flying soon! Our flying professor is so lame! It's already been two months and he won't let us do more than levitate on the broom!" Gary complained to Dorcas who was nodding along in agreement.
Remus took in the several conversations going on at once, glad no one's eyes were on him. As soon as James became distracted he'd slip away. It wouldn't take very long.
But as soon as James pulled him into the group, allowing Remus to nervously shift away to the outside edge, Sirius noticed him and beamed, delighted he was participating. His plan to slip away died. Sirius' earnest delight to have him here proving to be an invisible chain rooting him to the spot. So he politely took the candy that classmates, who only vaguely recognized him, passed to him, and listened to all the conversations calming down some.
"As my last declaration as Birthday King, I declare an epic game of truth and dare!" Sirius shouted authoritatively, banging a stick that served as his scepter to quiet everyone. There were mixed reactions. Some like Lily rolled their eyes and grumbled, while others giggled nervously. Most cheered loudly at the declaration, egging one another on. But the one thing all of the first years didn't do was leave.
Remus desperately wanted to, but everyone's eyes would be on him and he decided that might bring more attention to himself than if he just lied through the answers and avoided dares.
So the epic game of Gryffindor truth and dare commenced. There were boys who were dared to tell the Fat Lady her dress is ugly and others to lick the fireplace, at the mercy of giggling girls. Many facts about his classmates were added to Remus' running inventory. Thankfully, Remus managed to scratch by with only one question: a ridiculous question of if he'd rather have slugs come out his nose or mouth.
All in all, Remus had begun to relax and actually found he was enjoying himself. This was helped along by a generous amount of delicious chocolate. He even laughed along with everyone as Sirius boldly related his most embarrassing moment of giving himself a wedgie on accident with his broom when he was young.
"Well, I think that concludes the night, everyone. Please return to your rooms!"
Remus thought the prefects had been quite generous letting them stay up this long, but found their intervention had come at the perfect time. Sirius had been eyeing him in a way that made Remus sure he would be next. No longer having to worry about being singled out for leaving, Remus made a beeline for his dorm.
His plan to avoid his roommates did not work. All three of them were still just as boisterous in their room as they had been downstairs. Remus knew he couldn't feign sleep with how loud they were being, but he still tried hoping they would be too caught up in their wonderful night to bother him further.
Remus really ought to know better by now. Mere seconds after storming in while talking loudly, Sirius pulled open the curtains and leaped on Remus' bed with a shriek of laughter. He was quickly followed by James and Peter, who piled onto Sirius with their own peals of laughter. Remus scrambled to sit up before they decided to dogpile on him.
"Isn't it bedtime now?" Remus pleaded.
"'Bedtime', he says. Sirius, it's like he doesn't know us!" scoffed James.
"My dear friend, we clearly need to fix this!" Sirius retorted, grinning at Remus mischievously. He felt his insides twist as his roommates made themselves comfortable on his bed and turned off the lights so they couldn't get in trouble for staying up past hours.
"Now we can continue?" James asked.
"Continue what?" Remus whispered horrified. He flinched as Sirius put a hand on his shoulder.
"Truth and dare, obviously," Sirius explained, his tone making it very clear Remus wasn't getting out of this.
If only Remus hadn't pushed things with Sirius earlier that day, for Remus was certain this was a revenge of some sort. They had lulled him into a false sense of security, and now they were going to pressure him into being truthful. They didn't realize how much he couldn't be honest with them, what such a thing would cost him. It wasn't hard at all to picture the hatred and disgust if they ever found out what he was. Remus felt tears form in his eyes and he was actually glad they had blown out the lights.
"Well, we left off with Sirius, right?" James asked.
"Can't we do this another day?" Remus begged, deciding it was better to be a 'wet blanket' as James called him, than to be discovered as a monster.
"But we don't have classes tomorrow, and our professors didn't go crazy this week with homework," Peter pointed out unhelpfully.
"I don't feel good," Remus tried.
"You never do," grumbled Sirius, and Remus felt a jolt of guilt that he was ruining his birthday.
"Please, I just want to go to sleep."
"Fine. Then answer one question, Remus," James interjected smoothly, but Remus knew this wasn't really an out. He knew what the question would be. What else was there to know...?
"What do you do for fun?" James asked.
Remus was utterly shocked they didn't ask him about why he wasn't in the hospital wing when he was sick or what he was hiding. But instead, James asked something so normal and unthreatening that a bubble of nervous laughter escaped him.
"That's it?" he dared to ask, "I answer that and we go to sleep?"
He heard a discontented sound from Sirius, but he didn't verbally protest. James assured Remus after he answered truthfully they would all go to sleep.
"But you have to be truthful, Remus. We've lived with you for months now, so we'll know if you're pulling our legs," pointed out Sirius, clearly displeased.
Remus sighed heavily as the question sunk in. He realized with a heavy heart his only answer was a rather pathetic-sounding one, but he didn't think it would surprise his roommates at all.
"Nothing," he whispered, feeling the weight of the silence that followed.
"Well, that settles that then," James finally concluded, the first to get off the bed.
"Settles what?" Peter asked, eagerly no doubt excited for a new 'brilliant' plan of James.
"We're going to help Remus have fun," James announced proudly.
"I told you we should do that ages ago!" Sirius whined.
"Yes Sirius, but I didn't really get it until tonight."
"Get what?" Remus cut in, quite proud of how calm he sounded.
"That you actually want to have fun. You were having a good time tonight, weren't you?"
Even with it being dark, Remus could feel three pairs of eyes boring into him and he shifted nervously. He knew he couldn't deny it, he just didn't like that this meant all three of his roommates would be on his case more.
"I...uh...a little..."
"Oh come ON, Remus!" Sirius practically shouted, muffled only by James' quick thinking to cover his mouth.
"Sirius..." James began in a warning tone.
"Back off, James. Remus, you've got to give us more than this!"
Remus flinched once more, at the pleading in the boy's tone.
"Yes, I had a good time," he allowed himself to admit in a small voice. Sirius seemed to want to say more, but James took his promise seriously and ushered the other two boys away from Remus' bed, finally leaving him in peace.