"Why are you here?"
I stand freely in an empty hallway just outside of the trauma room, where the chief, Bailey, and Burke work on me.
"It's your imagination, my dear."
Iona Allard — formerly Allard-Phoenix — is in front of me, having not changed in the last twenty years since she left.
"You mentioned something about a bridge?"
"Ah, yes. The Bridge Between Life and Death."
She lifts her palms to the air, and the words "Life" and "Death" appear on either side of her almost theatrically.
"You have a choice to make, Leven."
"Why do you have to be here?"
I close my eyes and shake my head side to side, trying to wake myself from the nightmare waiting to begin.
"You're as stubborn as your father." She comments lightly.
"Don't mention him, Iona." My eyes narrow in anger. "You don't get to mention him after you left the two of us."
"Leven —"
"I was five. How much could I have hurt you that made you leave?"
----------
"Tell me. I want to go in there."
"Her temp is 91. Burke has a pacemaker coming in about an hour —"
"She doesn't have an hour, Addison." Against his will, Derek yells. "There's risk of brain damage. I need to go in there."
But she stops him. "Derek, you can't. Not for Leven. . .not for anybody. You're in no shape."
"Is there anything we can do?" Mark asks with his hands against his hips.
"No. All we can do. . .is wait."
----------
"None of them can see you, Leven."
Her left hand extends to latch onto the wrist of my right, pulling me around the corner. Instead of the hospital, we're in a dollar store.
Specifically, the dollar store near Burke's apartment.
"Cristina?"
Still in her pale blue scrubs, Cristina Yang pushes a cart through every single aisle of the convenience store, dropping various items into her cart.
"Iona, what are we doing here?"
"You subconsciously wanted to see your friend. I'm just your guide."
With a cart full of the most random things she can pick out, Cristina slips her hand into her pocket and pulls out a wallet.
"Is that. . .is that a picture of us?"
The clear slip in every standard wallet, meant for an I.D. or a driver's license, sits a tattered image of me, Meredith, and Cristina, taken around Christmas time.
"But she hates the holidays."
"That doesn't mean she hates her friends."
"Will that be all?" The cashier finishes scanning each item and dropping them carelessly into the cart. "Ma'am?"
Cristina snaps from her trance. "Sorry? Actually, can I. . .can I get a king size Snickers bar?"
"Wait, she hates processed candy bars." I furrow my brows. "All she raves about are those health-nut dark chocolate granola bars Burke introduced her to."
"I see your favorite type of candy hasn't changed in two decades."
"Oh, Cristina. . ."
----------
"Can you warn me the next time you do that?"
I clutch my stomach, ready to vomit whatever's left in my stomach. The red-haired woman glances down at me.
"I forgot you have my weak stomach."
"And it's the only thing I have of yours."
"Take as much blood as you need to." Meredith sits in a clinic bed, looking better than when I left her on the dock. "If it can save her. . .just take it."
"She wasn't bleeding, Meredith."
"You don't know that, Torres. None of us do."
My eyes roll. "Meredith's a doctor, just like the rest of us. She knows she can only donate a pint of blood."
"She's blaming herself."
"For what?"
"For your death."
"I'm not dead, now, am I?" I look up at her, to which she silently says no. "That's what I thought."
"You need to make a decision, Leven. Soon."
----------
An unsteady Derek, changed out of the ragged scrubs he was in earlier, takes the seat of an empty chair from the waiting room.
"Who are you here for?"
The neurosurgeon looks up to see an elderly man waiting across from him. "What?"
"I'm waiting on my wife. A car hit her." He answers. "Can you believe that, on the ferry? She was run over on the ferry."
His gentle laugh turns to silence.
"They haven't said much, though." His gaze drifts to the ground below. "Hard as hell to get any of these people to talk to you."
"Yeah, I'm, uh. . ." He feels tears arise once again. "My girlfriend was there, too. And I don't know. . .I don't know what's going to happen."
"It's out of our hands. It's up to the doctors now."
He simply nods along, realizing the change in perspective. Rather than being the one to save lives. . .he's been forced to wait helplessly for others to save her life.
"What's her name?"
"Leven."
"I'll put her in my prayers."
"Thank you."
----------
"It's my fault."
Having left the waiting room in an episode of depression, Derek now waits in front of my father's desk.
"Derek —"
"I blamed her for not taking her health seriously when I should've been there for her."
He paces the carpeted floor in the room while my father, Lennox Phoenix, sits at his desk with folded hands.
"You're human, Derek."
"You picked a good man for yourself, Leven. A sweet, kind. . .how is his hair real?" Her head tilts to the side while staring at Derek's curls.
"Huh?" I look up from the file on the desk. "Oh. Yeah, his hair's real. He says it's all in the right conditioner, but tell that to the millions of hair products he hoards."
"I should've gone to every single one of her meetings with Dr. Barrinski. I should've picked up her prescriptions just so I knew she was taking the right doses. I should've. . .I. . ."
The otherwise calm doctor breaks down in front of me. When I reach a hand to touch his shoulder, it passes through him.
"You do not get to break down. You don't get to fall apart." My dad stands up. "Not when there's still a chance. And there still is a chance, Derek."
". . .okay."
"Okay."
"I've been watching him for some time, you know."
"What?"
"It's a miracle a man like him even exists." She looks back at me. "He is waiting for you. Waiting for you to come back to him. And if you don't choose correctly. . .you'll break him ."
"Before I choose. . .I have one question."
"You might as well ask."
"What do you mean by you've been watching him?"
A sad smile appears on her face, and she takes both of my hands into hers.
"The reason I'm here with you. . .is because I'm dead."
----------
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
"External pacemaker implant. . .is a success."
"She's alive."
----------
"I have to go now, Leven."
"No. No, I still have questions. You need to stay here."
However many hours have passed since I fell into this dream, Iona Allard has turned from my biggest enemy. . .to an actual mother.
"Why did you leave me?"
The question leaves my mouth in a flurry, the light brightening with every second.
"Why did you leave me and Dad?"
She pauses.
". . .because I wasn't good enough for you. For either of you."
The white light overpowers her ethereal figure. And the last thing I see of her is a flash of red hair. . .and her kind smile.
"Live your life to the fullest, my rising Phoenix. Have no regrets."
----------
"I'm. . .cold."
A pair of hands caress the sides of my cheeks, wet drops of tears pattering against my dry skin.
"Oh, God. Meredith. Mer, get over here."
My eyes flutter open, and the image of Cristina standing overhead becomes clearer and clearer. I muster a smile onto my lips.
"You're. . .heavier than you. . .think."
She blurts out. "I'm getting married. To Burke. Not that that should be anywhere near your list of priorities, but. . .thank you for not dying."
"The blood. . .the picture. . .I saw it all."
Both of them help me to sit up ever so slightly in the bed, making sure I don't rip any stitches from my healing incision.
"I'm with Derek."
"What?"
"Before something else happens. . ." I glance between the two. "I want you two to know that I've been with Derek for some time. . .and I really like him."
"That's great, Leven."
----------
"Don't be a stranger, Shepherd."
Derek glances up from his feet and lets his stare stop on me. I flash him a gentle smile before beckoning him into the room.
"Hi."
"Hi."
He slowly steps into the room and to my bedside. Hinging at the waist, Derek lets his lips touch mine.
"I'm okay."
My lips slightly curve up.
"But I saw my mother. . .my dead mother." I trail my finger over his jaw. "And I saw you with my father."
"How. . ."
"I was in the middle of life and death."
Derek drops to his knees beside me, sandwiching my one hand between the two of his. I turn my head to look at him, running my thumb under his tired eyes.
"But I'm okay."
----------
Derek and Leven lay side by side, her eyes shut in a deep slumber. His arm sits comfortable around her hip, drawing circles as he lays awake.
"I don't regret falling in love with you."
Not one bit.
Sara Rafferty
as
Iona Allard-Phoenix