My Mother looked at me like I was insane.
"Danny?" She questioned.
"Yes, okay, Danny. He's, he's trying to tell me something I know it. I just can't figure out what."
"Jason, I think all of this is from a lack of sleep. Just come on and get some rest."
"I can't sleep, Mom. I drift back into the horrors of war if I do."
"This is ridiculous. I'm going to take you to the hospital."
"I'm fine, Mom. Just leave me be! I don't need help!" I got up and limped up the stairs and to my room.
My Mother soon appeared in the door way.
"Jason, you need help.... I can't stand to see you so upset." She said softly.
"I'm fine, Mom. Just leave me alone. I- I don't need help. I can't allow myself too."
"Jase?"
"Damn it! Don't call me that!" I snapped. "He-he needs to have closure. I can't let the memory of him go, Mom. I let him die...he died in my arms and...."
My Mother wrapped me into a tight hug. She had tears in her eyes.
"I have to go.... I can't put you all through this...." I said untangling myself from her arms.
I soon gathered my belongings, headed down the stairs, and out the front door.
******
I limped down the street, tears blurred my vision. I didn't know where I was going and at this moment I didn't care. I wound up at the cemetery. A few of my men were buried here. Danny was too. I sat down and took a deep breath. I felt myself being pulled back into the war.
"Kyle, I need you hang on! We're almost back to base." I said.
Kyle had been shot several times. He was losing blood fast. He didn't speak. He was shaking from the amount of pain he was in and coughing up blood.
"Kyle! Stay with me!"
Kyle didn't make it.
I didn't know how long I sat there or how long I cried.
"Hey buddy, a storm is fixing to brew up. You might want to head home." A passerby said.
"I have no where to go." I said.
"Come on, I'm walking to the shelter down the road."
"A homeless shelter?"
"Yes, I don't have anywhere else to call home."
I picked up my belongings and warily followed the strange man.
"I'm Matthew." The man said after a while.
"I'm Jason." I replied.
Matthew gave a sly smile and nod of his head. "Nice to meet you, Jason." He said.
Once at the shelter a man stopped us.
"Names." He demanded.
"I'm Matthew and this is Jason." Matthew said.
"You're free to go, Matthew. I don't recognize you Jason."
"I'm new here. I've been home from war for almost six months and I've hit rock bottom. I have no where else to go."
"Go on in, Jason. I'll let Father Samuels know."
"Thank you."
"No problem."
I found a cot and settled in. It wasn't home, but neither was Iraq. At least in Iraq I had Danny. I tossed and turned that night and eventually fell into a restless sleep. It was early morning and I swung my feet off my cot, just as someone nudged my shoulder.
"What?" I snapped.
"Is there anything you want to talk about?" A male voice said.
"Listen, I don't know you so just leave me be!"
"I just noticed that you seemed upset so I thought...."
"Just leave me alone, alright! I have enough shit to worry about without someone adding something else."
"Jason, please come with me."
I looked at the man. He seemed like a concerned, kind man. He wanted to help me, it's just that I didn't want help. I followed him to a different part of the shelter. Matthew was sitting in a chair and gave a sly smile.
"Father Samuels wanted to speak to you Jason. I told him how we met and...."
"I'm fine. Why can't anyone get that through their thick head."
"Jason, what have you been through?" Father Samuels asked.
"I'm a war vet."
"Okay, but, what specific trauma have you went through?"
"I'm not telling you! Why would I tell you? I don't even know you!"
"Please don't yell, Jason. You can trust me."
"Trust? I don't trust anyone. Sometimes I don't trust myself."
I got up and limped outside. I needed to be alone.
******
It's been about a month since I moved into the homeless shelter. I woke up one morning screaming my bothers name. I swung my feet off the cot and onto the cold concrete floor of the homeless shelter. The shelter was part of St. Clare church. Several of its residents looked at me funny as I limped past. Same damn nightmare and the same misunderstanding people. I made my way to the bathroom and closed the door. There, I puked my guts out. There was persistent pounding on the door and I had no choice but to let the person inside. I opened the door and stepped out. I went back to my cot and grabbed my semiautomatic pistol and my coat and headed out to walk. The streets were empty, all expect for the traffic. I thought more than once about throwing myself into that traffic and ending my life. To have all the mental and physical pain removed for good. I may even go to where I belong- hell. I've seen and done so many unspeakable things. Things that I don't even tell the remaining family I have. Limping along I made a stop by the post office where I receive my disability check once a month. A check for a whopping 200 dollars. Man, won't that get you far in life! Stuffing the check in my coat pocket, I headed to the local park. Fishing through one of the garbage cans, I found a half drank coffee. Still surprisingly warm. Taking off the black plastic lid, I chugged down what remained. Judging by the sun rise it was probably 7:30. The coffee cup was used for anything passerby's were willing to offer. I sat on a bench at the park for a few hours and only managed to gain a few coins and four dollars. People in D.C. had money but most weren't willing to spare.
"Here you go, sir." A female voice said.
I figured she'd drop the dollar in the cup and walk off but she didn't. She gave me a 20. She stood there until I looked up at her. She had long black hair tied back in a ponytail and soft green eyes. The same soft green eyes as Danny.
"You need a ride anywhere, mister? It's awfully cold out."
I guess I'd been lost in my own little world for too long. Not feeling the cold or the aching pain in my back.
"No, I'm all right. I should be going. Didn't realize what time it was. Thanks for the money."
All the sudden young boy, maybe seven years old came bounding to her. He stopped short and looked at me with weary eyes. The boy handed me four dollars and took his mother's hand.
"Are you sure you don't need a ride anywhere, mister?"
"I'm fine really."
"Take care, mister." she said, giving a sly smile, before walking off.
I watched her go.
I picked myself up off the bench and began to walk. The women was so nice. I can't believe I didn't get her name. I must of been lost in my own world again because I nearly ran into someone.
"I'm sorry." I said.
"Jason?"
I looked up to see Maria standing next to some guy. A big guy with muscles on top of muscles. He gave a arrogant smirk.
"Jason, how have you been?" Maria asked.
"Ah, you know. Hanging in there."
"Where are you staying?"
"I was with my parents. Now, I'm staying at a shelter."
The big guy let out a laugh.
"Maria why are you messing around with some lowlife like this?" He said.
"Nathan, that's not nice."
"Well, I call them like I see them."
I limped on past them. I heard Maria call my name.
"Jason, hold on. I wanna talk."
"Oh, now you want to talk!" I snapped.
Nathan gave me a stern look.
"Let us talk, Nathan." Maria said.
"Okay, but I'll be right over there." He said pointing with his finger. "Right fucking there."
"Okay, I'm listening." I said.
"Jason, I should of been more understanding and.... I'm sorry. I know losing Danny was hard on you but you have to learn to let him go. Do you love him enough to let him go?"
"Maria, you had your chance.... You said that you couldn't live with me anymore so I left. End of discussion." I said, turning on my heel and limping off.
This time she didn't call my name or anything. I looked over my shoulder to see her and that Nathan guy kissing.
"Sickening." I mumbled.
****
My life just kept getting worse. I got mixed in with drugs and drank more often. I staggered through the doors of the homeless shelter a countless number of times, and everyone became worried.
"Jason, you can't keep doing this to yourself." Matthew said.
"Aww, please, Matthew. I'm fine."
"Your life is going down the drain. Do you want that or do you want to make something of yourself?"
"What do I have left, huh. My brother is dead and my girl friend ended our relationship and my parents don't want me around. So tell me, Matthew, what do I have left?"
"Jason, I had no idea..."
"Another thing, I'm so fucked up in the head I can't think straight."
"Alright you two that's enough!" Father Samuels said.
"Jason, come with me."
I followed Father Samuels a distance way from the others.
"Jason, I got you a appointment set up with a psychiatrist. She said that she's dealt with many war vets before and you will be no different."
"Okay, what ever."
"Your parents stopped by. They want you to come home."
"No, I can't put them through misery."
I limped off and back outside. I walked at long distance. I passed the bank and the park. All the sudden my name was called.
"Donavan, where is our money?" It was a guy I'd bought drugs from.
"Oh, Antonio. I don't have it yet. I'm getting it though." I said.
Antonio was a big guy. He's at least 6foot4. I thought I was tall. I only come up to his chest. Tattoos covered every inch of his body.
"You said that the last time too, Donavan." His lip curled into an ugly snarl.
Antonio and a few of his buddies beat me senseless. Two of them held me still while Antonio unleashed. He repeatedly punched me in the torso and head. I dropped to the ground once they released me.
"You won't be going anywhere soon, Donavan." Antonio sneered.
He unstrapped my prosthetic leg and threw it in the dumpster.
"Really! You can't do this."
"What the fuck are you going to do! Huh, Donavan. You can't take care of yourself! How the hell did you expect to take care of your dying brother!"
Antonio laughed a evil laugh and took all the money I had on me before leaving on the street.