I slept on the couch last night. Nowhere else felt right. I didn't want to go anywhere upstairs, so I didn't. I felt sick, and not in the cold and flu sort of way, but in the way where my heart simply wouldn't settle.
'Conflicted', was just about the only word I could come up with to describe what was going on in my head. I was conflicted over how I should be taking the news that Ashton saw Vic and I kiss. Part of me felt awful that he had to see it, but another part of me felt relieved that he knew, then another part felt at peace knowing he forgave me, and a whole other part, the conflicting part, didn't want to feel the relief or the peace because I didn't deserve it.
It was strange knowing that Ashton spoke about me before he died. I would never really know what he said and I didn't think I wanted to know. Hearing this one bit of information hurt enough. It was better being blissfully ignorant at this point. I knew in the long run that ignoring this wouldn't help, but that's what I was doing. I was going to avoid anything about that night.
This morning I woke up kind of late. Vic wasn't here like he usually would be. Of course he wasn't. I did yell at him and tell him to leave after all, and I guess I meant it. I was pissed that he'd keep this from me, but I guess I understood why...sort of.
I got up and made myself go upstairs to have a shower. I was running out of food so I had to go out some time today. Maybe I'd take Flash for a walk too. For once the thought of sleeping my troubles away didn't seem like a good option.
"Flash!" I called out the front door once I was ready to go.
I had been so focused on my own self misery last night that I forgot to feed the poor dog.
"Flash!" I called out again.
I didn't hear any barking or the familiar sound of his paws scratching along the floorboards of the house or scuffling along in the dirt and grass. I went further outside and did a circle of the house. I still couldn't find him.
"Flash! Come here boy!" I shouted.
I was beginning to get worried. He always came when I called him. I hadn't owned the dog for that long, but I still felt a sense of panic come over me at the thought of him being lost.
I went back inside and searched all the rooms to see if he was sleeping somewhere. He wasn't. Damn it, I had no idea where he could have gotten to. I went back outside and once again searched around the house. I even wandered into the woods and called out his name. I couldn't find him anywhere.
"Flash!" I shouted back at the house.
Nothing. I didn't hear a damn thing back. Suddenly I became so desperate to find the dog. He obviously wasn't anywhere near home. Maybe he wandered off into town. I went off in the direction of the woods and took the shortcut path, thinking that maybe he would walk along there too. I couldn't see any sign of him though.
I got into town and walked around all the streets, hoping beyond hope that I'd just find him. My heart was pounding hard in my chest as each hour went on. I didn't think I would care this much about a dog.
I searched for him all day. I went back home, didn't find him. I got in my car and drove further around the town. I couldn't find him. By the time it was the afternoon I was officially a mess and almost in tears. I had to find him. I just had to.
There was one place I was avoiding, but I was desperate, so I ended up going to the docks. After all, Flash had been there before. Maybe he came back. I walked along, past all the boats.
"Flash!" I called out, hoping he'd miraculously jump out somewhere.
I got right down to the end to where Vic's boat was. There was no sign of the dog anywhere. I climbed on board, making the boat rock a little. I went around to the back just as Vic came out of the cabin.
"Kellin?" He asked, confused.
"Have you seen Flash?" I asked.
"What?"
"Flash. The dog. Have you seen him?" I asked hurriedly.
I went past him and into the cabin. Maybe I didn't trust whatever Vic's answer was and had to see for myself if the dog was here or not. He wasn't.
"No, what are you on about? Did he run away?" He asked.
I turned to him and I couldn't keep the tears in any longer. I wiped my eyes. I knew I was being ridiculous. It was just a dog and not even a dog I had for that long. He had only been gone a day but I still felt this anxiety fill me.
"Hey, come on, please don't cry. It's gonna be alright," He said.
He came up to me and put his hands on my shoulders. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in and out to stop myself from crying. He ran his hands comfortingly down my arms and it helped more than it should have. I felt myself calming down. I stopped crying and looked at him.
"I can't find him. He's been gone all day, probably last night too. I don't know, I was...I was asleep. I didn't check for him..." I said. I felt so guilty. I just slept and he was God only knows where.
"It's okay, we'll find him. I'll help. Where have you looked?" He asked.
"Everywhere," I said in frustration, "I've looked everywhere around home and town all day. He's nowhere."
"Okay, breathe," He said.
I was actually shaking and I was glad he reminded me to breathe, because I wasn't. I didn't know why I was reacting like this.
"He'll turn up. It's a small town. He'll be somewhere. He'll come home when he's hungry," He said.
"And if he doesn't? He's out there somewhere by himself. I have to find him," I said frantically.
I went to walk past him but he held his arm out, stopping me. I took a step back and looked at him like he was crazy.
"Let me go," I said.
"It's getting dark. You're not gonna find him now. Wait until morning and if he's not back then we'll go out together," He said.
I didn't want to wait until morning. That meant a sleepless night worrying about Flash. I just wanted him back.
"Relax. Someone would have found him. He's clever. He'll find his way home, okay, just...relax," He said soothingly, "He'll be fine."
"Maybe but...I just...I can't stand this okay. What if he doesn't come back? I'm tired of...of losing things," I said. My heart ached painfully, so much so that I held my chest.
"Kell..."
"I mean...I lost Ash. I lost the dog. When the house is done, you're just gonna go too," I said.
The revelation of what I just said hit me. That's what I was terrified of. I was scared of Vic leaving me. I mean, why wouldn't he? I acted so awful towards him on the best of days. He was going to leave and I was supposed to be left with the dog, but he was gone too. I was going to be alone.
When I looked at Vic's eyes, I could tell he saw right through me. He saw that this wasn't just about the dog, and I was scared. I was scared that he would tell me that he's gotta leave some day. He tilted his head to the side and watched me in concern.
"I don't have to go anywhere. I'm not..." He sighed, "I'm not going anywhere."
"But you will. What's gonna happen when the house is done?" I asked him.
"I don't know," He shrugged, "The house'll be...done. Doesn't mean that I'll leave."
"You always wanted to go. You always talked about just up and leaving one day. That was your dream, right?" I asked.
"Well..." He stopped, thinking, "I mean...yeah, I guess."
"So why would you stay?!" I yelled at him.
"Because..." He said, but he didn't answer.
"See, you don't even have an answer. You're just gonna leave, right? Can you just tell me the truth so I can be prepared for it?" I asked. My mind was telling me to stop talking because I knew how embarrassing I sounded, but my mouth kept moving.
"I'm not," He said.
"Yes you are. The dog's gone. You're gonna go. I'm gonna sell the house because I can't stand living there anymore, and then I'm gonna be all on my own with nothing," I whined.
"Listen to me," He said firmly.
He reached out to me but I turned my head away, dodging him. He wouldn't have any of that though. He stepped forward and took hold of my shoulders again. With one hand he made me face him again. I stared into his eyes as every little insecurity bubbled up inside me.
"I'm not going anywhere. You're not going to lose everything. I promise you," He said loud and clear.
"But-,"
"I need you," He stopped me, "You might think you need me, but you don't. You're strong. You'll be fine. I need you and I'm selfish as fuck so I'm not leaving."
I stayed silent, looking at him. He needed me? Somehow I couldn't believe that. I was a complete mess. Why would anyone need me? But, as I looked into his eyes, I saw just how broken he was.
"So are you gonna stop this? You have nothing to worry about," He said in a strained voice.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
He smiled a little and shook his head, "Don't be."
This was what I needed. All day of being so worried and panicked that I'd be left all alone, and this was what made that go away. I needed the assurance that I wasn't going to be left alone. I needed to know that he'd be here for me, and he was.
"Okay," I said softly.
"Okay...you alright?" He asked.
I thought about it for a moment and decided I was. I nodded. I was fine. I was full of emotions, a little destroyed after the day, but I was okay.
"Come here," He murmured.
He stepped closer and pulled me into a hug. The first thing I thought of was how warm and inviting he was. I wrapped my arms around his torso, locking them behind his back. His were around my neck with his hand in my hair.
I rested my chin on his shoulder and closed my eyes, sighing. I didn't want to let go. A simple hug could do so much. It made me feel so comforted and just good inside. I could have stood there all day. I wanted to.
"I'm sorry for getting mad at you yesterday," I said.
"It's okay," He whispered.
He gently ran his fingers through my hair. He showed no signs of letting me go, and I didn't want him to either. I breathed in deeply. I couldn't believe how good it felt to be held my him. His body was pressed so tightly to mine and suddenly it didn't feel like a comforting hug anymore.
I loosened my grip around him. I was going to pull back, but I stopped. This hug was like something I was addicted to. I couldn't pull away. I turned my head slightly towards him. His skin was so warm and I felt it on his neck as my cheek and nose brushed against it.
His hand slowly moved. One moment it was in my hair and the next it was trailing down to my neck where his thumb lazily rubbed back and forth against my collarbone. My body was betraying me and I felt like a magnet towards him, unable to move away.
I felt like I was suffocating, but in a way that was sending a million little shocks of exhilaration through me. My whole body was tingling and it felt so amazing. My nose grazed against his cheek. I was so close I could feel his chest rising and falling. I could hear his steady breathing.
Right now, all I wanted was him.
That stray hand went up to caress my cheek. My eyes were closed as every other sense was filled. I turned my head into his hand. I felt his breath on my skin before I felt his lips, and then they pressed against mine so softly.
The kiss didn't stay so tender for long. Almost as if my life depended on it, I kissed him harder. I brought my hands up around his neck and held him like I was afraid he'd move away. He wouldn't though. He was just as into this as I was.
There was this primitive, needy way about how he kissed me. In a desperate move he held my hips and pushed me against the nearest thing which was the small kitchen counter. I touched his neck, down to his chest, trailing my hands along his body. I wanted him closer, so much closer, but with his body already pressed hard against mine, there was only one other option.
I got to his jeans without a second thought and hastily undid them. That was a decision I made, a decision I was barely conscious of, and neither was he as he took me to his bed and tangled his body with mine until nothing mattered anymore.