TW: Descriptions of Abuse
.................................................
He wasn't getting it, Remus simply wasn't getting it!
Sirius had to resist the anger building in him again. It wasn't the kid he was mad at. No, instead Sirius found himself mad for Remus. Who wouldn't have been upset? How could Remus say 'it's fine' before Sirius had even apologized? Besides, could that jumble of words Sirius uttered even be called an apology? There had been a sick feeling growing in Sirius ever since he had realized Remus really was innocent.
But it wasn't guilt! Sure, yeah he felt bad. But he was a dumb eleven-year-old who didn't really mean any harm. Besides, he sure as hell could have been worse to Remus! The pranks had been pretty mild to the harm Sirius could have caused. He was sorry, of course, he was. But he wasn't like Peter or even James who were ridiculously harsh on themselves. Honestly, he didn't really expect much out of himself so it was fine. Rather, it was what Remus' innocence meant that was making him nervous.
Because despite how hard he had tried not to come to a certain conclusion, he couldn't fight it anymore. Maybe it was because Sirius didn't want to admit 'it' that he had been so quick to believe Remus was cruel and two-faced? Instead, it was worse. Wasn't it? Because Remus wasn't just a giant arsehole. No, instead Remus Lupin was like him!
He didn't know what to do with this information. Should he tell someone? But what if Remus told on him, what then? Besides what if their situations were so similar that telling an adult wouldn't make a difference?
"S...Sirius...are you ok?" Remus asked worriedly.
Gosh, he sounded so timid! Sirius hadn't realized how long the two of them had been standing in heavy silence. He had to say something before Remus bolted. But his roommate would bolt if Sirius confronted him here in the hall where anyone could overhear, which was understandable. Besides, Remus had already displayed his preference to avoid problems. No, Sirius would just have to be careful about this. What would James do in his place? Well, that was little help, James couldn't at all understand.
But Remus did...
Sirius' chest went tight with fear and pain, but then something else began to grow in him. A sort of shaky happiness that he was sure must make him a bad person. Surely he wasn't happy Remus understood? But...but maybe...well maybe he wouldn't be so alone now?
This was infuriating!
Sirius ran his hands through his hair violently as if he could shake this all away. Then he shook himself like a dog, his whole body, trying to get rid of the faint traces of happiness rising in him. He wouldn't be a bad person. Sirius glanced at Remus through his long hair that had fallen in his face. His poor roommate was looking at Sirius like he was nuts. Well... Remus wasn't really wrong about that.
This was just too much for an eleven-year-old to take, no matter how amazing and cool that eleven-year-old was. Sirius threw back his head and did what his uncle had taught him to do when they had both reached their limit with his mother.
"SON OF A BANSHEE, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," Sirius shouted at the top of his lungs, letting all the stress that had been building in him out.
Salazar, that felt good!
Before Remus could stop him, Sirius grabbed his roommate's hand and pulled him along, breaking into a run. Sirius expected some sort of resistance. In fact, he would have bet his brand new broom back home on it. But Remus followed him with barely any hesitation!
Maybe the thought of getting in trouble for Sirius randomly screaming in the hall was a worse prospect to Remus than going somewhere alone with him? It was an oddly warming thought to Sirius, and he began to laugh. Sirius threw his head back and laughed loudly in defiance of every pissy adult. Because there was one fact he had been missing. No matter what was going on with Remus, he was safe at Hogwarts! They both were, for now.
"S...s...Sirius...w...where a...are we going?" Remus gasped, clearly out of breath.
Being an expert prankster Sirius deemed they were a safe enough radius away from his point deducting scream. He glanced around, subtly not wanting to alert Remus to his plan. He found the perfect spot and before the lad could protest he dragged him, perhaps a little roughly, into a deserted classroom and barred the door.
Remus was bent over, his face flushed, a hand clutching his chest as he heaved. Geez, they hadn't been going that fast, had they?
Sirius fully expected Remus' large eyes to plainly give away that he thought he'd be punched or hurt. Sirius used to have those eyes too. He swallowed back surprise when Remus didn't look fearful as Sirius had been expecting. Instead, Remus looked concerned? It was not fear on the lad's face, but a kind expression of genuine sympathy and worry. How could Sirius have been so stupid in thinking Remus was anything other than a scared little boy?
"You aren't going to hurt yourself, are you?" Remus asked quickly.
Sirius blinked at him, stunned. Sure, now that Sirius thought about it he probably had appeared a little unstable. But he hadn't appeared that upset, had he? Sirius prided himself on smiling no matter what as it usually resulted in less punishment since his family hated when he showed weakness of any kind. An arrogant smile or cold lofty look was always more acceptable than the blatant concern and now fear that was all over Remus' face.
The boy seemed to finally come to the realization that Sirius might have dragged him here to hurt him and he looked rather ashen.
"I'm not going to hurt myself...or you. Just...relax, would you." Sirius had meant it to sound more like a question but due to over a decade of influence, he never could quite manage to prevent the demanding tone to his requests when stressed or upset.
"Sorry," Remus murmured ducking his head.
"No...no don't start that. Look, I just want to talk ok?" Sirius asked, forcing his tone to be less haughty.
Sirius tightened his hands into fists. Why did what he had just said cause Remus to look more afraid? Sirius was momentarily distracted by what secrets Remus might be holding that would cause him to look so unnerved about simply talking! But Sirius realized he should focus on the obvious secret first.
"I get it," he blurted out before he could stop himself. Sirius hated how desperate he sounded. It felt good though, and he felt himself get really shaky as he realized he was going to give voice to what he had even kept a secret from his Uncle Alphard, despite most of his family knowing.
"I mean...you're so jumpy...and scared all the time...and well...I just...I get it...I was like that too you know? So I mean...who is it for you?" Sirius asked, unable to not sound frantic. He was so nervous though. Remus had to understand. He just had to!
.................................................
Remus was stunned by the question. His insides clenched painfully and he felt a panicked gasp escape him. What was Sirius referring to? Remus didn't like this one bit. He didn't want this!
Remus had just wanted to make sure that Sirius was alright. His roommate didn't look well at all. Sirius' eyes kept darting around the room, not scanning it for enemies like Remus unconsciously did, but simply because he couldn't seem to stop looking. Sirius also apparently couldn't stand still. This meant that other than Sirius flailing his whole body like a madman which had seemed intentional that the jittery boy kept shifting around and opening and closing his fists as if trying to grab at something.
Remus knew that Sirus' question could mean a lot of things. He knew Sirius was very upset and anxious right now, even if he himself didn't seem to realize this. Remus honestly didn't want to get to know his roommates too well since it would make staying away harder. But deep down, Remus was pretty sure he shouldn't ignore this. Someone had written those letters for seemingly no other reason than to make Sirius miserable. Dumbledore and Sirius knew who had sent them, and recalling all the little bits of information Remus had picked up, he had a terrible feeling it was one of Sirius' cousins.
"Who...is it for you?" Remus asked tentatively.
He was hesitant to ask. It didn't seem fair with how Sirius currently was. Sirius clearly wanted to talk but it seemed too desperate and rushed to not lead to regret later. Remus could only hope Sirius wouldn't hate him later when he realized he had spilled his secrets in a state of absolute distress.
Sirius scoffed and Remus' dread grew.
"More like who it isn't, mate. I mean my cousins are a give-in. They were practicing hexes on me before they could legally use magic and they threatened cruciatus on me more than once. Then, of course, my grandparents are miserable geezers who hit whoever gets in their way with canes. But...well my parents are worse, you know?" Sirius' eyes were full of haunted desperation so Remus simply nodded, finding it hard to breathe.
"My dad is better. I mean, he's gone a lot and that doesn't..well you know, often end in punishment. But my mom... she can't...nothing is good enough...I think I was seven when I started talking back...just...you know... I wanted to be good enough. I never was."
Sirius was crying now and Remus wished he knew what to do. He felt useless and stupid, but Sirius continued before Remus could say anything. Sirius didn't seem able to stop.
"I mean, most of the time I just wanted her to pay attention to me, not my little brother who seems to be perfect. But no matter what she just got mad. She'd hit me and throw things at me. I mean I'm good at dodging now so I guess that's good but...well, I mean...I got angrier and a few times I really crossed the line...she...well, there's this really small room...they have...have a d...d...dementor down there...and...if I act weak then I get shoved in there. Not really for long, because of course, their precious heir can't go ape shit crazy." Sirius sounded so bitter and he had gone deathly pale.
Remus didn't know what a dementor was, but it must be some sort of terrible weapon for Sirius' eyes to go so wide with fear at merely mentioning it.
"Everything would go all cold and then I remember the worst times. Like when she actually whipped me...or the one time she snapped and burned me...I mean, there are things to hide the marks. Sometimes...I don't do anything...like I don't even speak and she goes off. She's the batshit one it's scary...she's scary...and now..."
Sirius' voice had raised several octaves and he was physically trembling now. Remus desperately wanted to comfort him, but he was afraid Sirius would stop talking if he did.
"Now that I'm in Gryffindor...well, I'm more than a stupid son. I'm a disappointment...I'm...everything those letters said that my vile cousin sent...Bellatrix was always the cruelest of the bunch. I wish she died when she got dragon pox. She had to miss two years of Hogwarts, though I think one of them is because she did something dreadful and almost got expelled. I hope Dumbledore expels her for this. I bet Narcissa blabbed about my comment on her man whore...but yeah...you know...I've...I've betrayed the Blacks...I don't know what's waiting for me at home but...it's probably going to be worse." Sirius finished with a determined tone, resigned and cold. He had stopped crying somewhere along the lines and his eyes had turned into hard grey stones. Then he looked at Remus expectantly.
"Well?" Sirius asked pointedly.
"I'm s...sorry, your family is so terrible. I...I'm just so sorry. Isn't anyone kind to you?" Remus asked, desperately feeling dreadful.
"My Uncle Alphard. He's the best. And my cousin Dromi. But that's not what I meant. It's your turn." Sirius had shut down now, all vulnerability shut behind a haughty look that Remus only now realized was defensiveness.
"My what?" Remus asked in a small voice. He knew what Sirius wanted, knew what he needed from him. But he couldn't. Even if he admitted his father had hit him a few times Sirius would somehow consider them close. Sirius had already called him 'mate', and Remus just couldn't be friends with Sirius. Especially not him! Remus could not risk being close to someone who was so smart and scarily attentive at times. But Remus knew that if he said nothing, that the determined boy wouldn't buy it.
Remus weighed his options carefully. All of the four boys knew about Peter being bullied in the past. Peter had brought it up on several occasions when the boy had mentioned he was amazed he had friends now.
Of course, Peter's confession hadn't been meant for Remus who had spent all the time in his dorm feigning sleep. But neither James nor Sirius had seemed too bent up about the bullying. Neither James nor Sirius had asked Peter questions or tried to find out more. Besides Remus being bullies wasn't necessarily a lie. In fact, Remus had a really hard time with bullying. It just... wasn't the truth Sirius wanted to hear.
"Sirius...I..." Remus began in a tone that sounded as unsure as he was about how exactly to respond.
"Don't say you don't understand, because I know you do!" Sirius accused.
"Yes, but..." Remus began.
"You do? Really?" Sirius asked with more surprise than someone who had been convinced Remus understood should have been.
"Well..." Remus took a deep breath but Sirius could hardly seem to let him get a word in.
"I've never met anyone before...not ever. Is it your mum too?" Sirius asked his eyes, boring into Remus.
"What? No!" Remus quickly defended his mum, the thought of her ever raising a hand to him unimaginable.
"Your dad, then? Figures. Look, I won't tell anyone if you don't"
"I won't tell anyone. But..."
"He must have hit you a lot...but I bet you didn't have to deal with dementors, so I guess that's good?"
The mention of dementors caused Remus to pause in his attempt to correct Sirius who was convinced he was right. Which he was... but Remus couldn't let him know that.
"What's a dementor?" He felt bad but Sirius had brought it up himself and had already grown pale again at the mention.
"It's cold and hopeless...a cloaked monster...and...you remember your worst memories...really terrible.." Sirius concluded shakily.
"Why...Why do they think it will make you stronger?" Remus asked gently, feeling a great amount of sympathy for Sirius.
Sirius shot him a sharp look that made it clear he hadn't forgotten Remus had said very little. However, after a moment of hesitation, he continued bravely.
"It's a really old tradition amongst pureblood families. Some wanker decided it would be brilliant to destroy his weakness with the help of those monsters. I guess he declared it a success and forced all his children to partake. It stopped really quickly because most purebloods aren't complete nutters...well not that much of nutters... Not to their own family. You see? But my dear grandad used it on my mum a few times and she knows how bad it is. So she doesn't really use it to make me stronger, which is nonsense as she knows. Instead, it's to keep me in line and do everything she says. If she wants me to wear stiff dress clothes to a playdate and I argue that I want regular clothes for bloody once. Well...there's always a chance I'll end up in the basement for five minutes...or once even longer." Sirius shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself, shivering. Without thinking, Remus took off the heavy wool robe he had brought with him. He was now glad he had brought the robe as a precautionary measure in case Dumbledore had dumped him outside the castle. Remus was far too used to being kicked out of his home.
"Here." Remus offered, stretching the robe out for Sirius to grab. Only the boy seemed someplace else entirely, and it was a very bad place by the look of it. Concerned, Remus drew closer to him and wrapped the cloak around Sirius hoping it would shock him out of his spiral. Remus' idea worked to bring the boy around and Sirius held the cloak close to him for warmth. The young Black seemed hesitant for a second, then without warning, he pulled Remus into a hug.
"You better not tell anyone about this," Sirius growled out threateningly, though the warning fell a bit flat as the boy was physically shaking. Quite uncomfortable with the turn of events, Remus stood there stiffly before awkwardly reciprocating the gesture. Remus was unsurprised and somehow surprised to feel tears on his shoulder as he hugged Sirius back.
"It will be ok," Remus said gently because it was the only thing he could think of. He hoped it sounded as convincing coming from him as it used to sound coming from his mum. When Sirius didn't protest he assumed it had.
After a few minutes, Sirius let him go with another empty threat concerning Remus' silence about the young Black crying. Then Sirius wiped his eyes trying to destroy the evidence of his tears.
"I have a handkerchief if you want one?" Remus had meant it as a sincere offer but Sirius seemed to take it as a jibe.
"You're crying too," Sirius pointed out defensively. Surprised, Remus touched his cheek and for some reason the realization he was crying made him cry harder.
"Don't you start again or I will, got it?" Sirius cautioned warily.
Remus nodded apologetically and took out the handkerchief quickly wiping his own evidence away. Sirius snorted and then broke out into a laugh.
"You actually carry a handkerchief with you? What kind of boy does that? HAHA!"
For an instant, Remus thought it was rather rude that Sirius was laughing at him considering how he had comforted his roommate mere moments ago. But then Remus realized he didn't really care that much because it was wonderful that the young Black was laughing in his usual fashion.
"It's what a proper gentleman does," Remus mimicked James and protested in mock horror because he knew that Sirius needed a friend right now. Since Remus wasn't one, an imitation of James would have to do. Sirius looked surprised for a second then laughed harder clutching his sides and behind over as he wheezed.
"Oh brilliant! You really got James pretending to be a prick down. I didn't know you could be funny, I thought it might break you!"
Remus flushed realizing Sirius thought he was trying to mock James rather than imitate him.
"I can be funny, I'm funny all the time," Remus continued, this time actually mocking James' posh lady accent. Remus wasn't sure he was making fun of the accent particularly well, but Sirius got the gist.
Sirius gave him a grin that he normally would have given James and Remus was surprised by how happy it made him.
"Yeah, sure you are, kid," Sirius commented cheerily.
"I'm not a kid!" Remus protested quickly, feeling heat rise to his face once more. He hadn't meant to sound so angry. In fact, it was probably the first time his voice had even risen a fraction while talking to his roommates who had certainly put him through quite a lot. However, Sirius didn't seem to notice the edge to Remus' tone. The young Black just scoffed and rolled his eyes at him.
"Well, I'm pretty sure I'm older than you. I'll be turning the mature age of twelve years old on November 4th. And my birthday is only a few weeks away." Sirius sounded very proud of his fact, and why shouldn't he be? Age seemed to mean everything to the first years considering all the other years looked down on them for their youth.
"Over a month," Remus corrected automatically.
"Close enough. So see you are a kid."
"So are you." Maybe it was because he was still trying to channel James that Remus found himself playfully bickering with Sirius.
The soon-to-be 'mature aged' boy stuck his tongue out.
"That's bollocks! Mind your manners young man I'm practically an adult!"
Remus smiled despite himself, realizing it had been a while since he'd done so sincerely.
"Well, then you ought to be teaching rather than disguising yourself as a student, 'sir'," Remus teased playfully. Sirius didn't miss a beat, he and James never did which made it much easier to get caught up in the banter.
"That's rubbish. Simply dreadful. I shall never be a teacher. Besides, anyone who leaves young impressionable minds in my hands is barmy." Sirius protested dramatically, wagging his finger at Remus for suggesting such nonsense.
"Well, Dumbledore is a bit mad." Remus meant it in the best way possible, but he realized he did mean it. After all, anyone who let a werewolf attend their school was a bit nutty.
"That is true. Well, then I suppose I ought to give it whirl."
Before Remus realized what he meant Sirius rushed to the front of the classroom and hopped up on the professor's desk.
"Attention Class! Attention Class!" he shouted jovially, waving his arms like an insane person. In Sirius' fantasy, he must have had a hundred students to gain their attention so dramatically. Or perhaps the young Black was imagining himself faced with a room full of James' and Sirius'. However, in reality, there was only Remus and unwilling to break the momentum, especially since Sirius looked very happy, he sat at the desk and raised his hand bolt right.
"Young man, what's your name?" Sirius asked, clearing his throat, speaking in as much of a baritone as the young boy could muster.
"What," Remus stated flatly, struggling to keep a goofy grin off his face.
"I asked what your name is, young man." Sirius tutted.
"My name is What," Remus replied again just as forcefully as last time.
Sirius' lips twitched, but he was now playing the role of a strict teacher and he seemed to be taking it to heart.
"I am asking you a question young man, and you would be wise to answer. I say, are you daft?"
"Perhaps you're the daft one sir," Remus said with his best innocent smile. Sirius couldn't stop the laugh that exploded from him abruptly but he reigned it in quickly and frowned.
"What insolence! Tell me what your name is or I'll have you come march your arse up and spell it."
"My name is What, sir. But since you seem inept at names allow me." Caught up in the game himself, Remus marched to the blackboard petulantly and wrote as large as he could manage 'W.H.A.T.' Remus would have been content to carry on the charade further, thoroughly enjoying himself more than he cared to admit. Only Sirius seemed unable to continue. His roommate had dropped down so he was rolling on the professor's desk holding his sides and roaring with laughter. Remus stifled a laugh with his long sleeve, biting down on it to stop the mirth that was bubbling inside him with desperation.
After several minutes Sirius seemed to calm down.
"You've been holding out on me, Lupin," Sirius declared in the same friendly way he called James and Peter by their last names. Remus had discovered that it was an odd sort of backward way to express friendship. That was when Remus realized he had carried this foolishness too far, that he was in trouble.