TWs: Implications of Abuse
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"Are you happy, Sirius? Is this what you wanted?" James snapped, trying the doorknob again. "Remus, let us in!"
"NO!" the hysterical boy screamed. "Go away!"
"S...should we get a teacher?" Peter suggested helplessly.
"No, we could get him in a lot of trouble. We aren't allowed to magic our doors like this. I'm surprised he even can." James sounded calm and in control, which was a hell of a lot better than Sirius. He stood slightly behind James, feeling ill. He hadn't meant to hurt Remus. Well, certainly not this much.
"James just...tell him his blanket is still fine...it was just a prank," he whispered the words finding them rather hard to pronounce, his voice hoarse and thick with guilt. Sirius tried to assure himself that this wasn't his fault, that it was justified.
After all, Remus was two-faced. Sirius had just been trying to get a rise out of him to see his roommate's true colors. The Black heir had often done the same thing with several distant relatives of his. They all seemed nice but were the opposite as soon as they didn't have to worry about their 'precious' reputation. Sirius had been sure Remus would go off at him, or at least confess to writing those terrible letters.
That's really all Sirius had wanted. He just hated the way Remus could sound sincere, stupidly apologizing whenever Sirius pranked him, then send him nasty scathing letters. Those particularly awful letters revealed what Remus really thought of Sirius. It just wasn't fair! And now even James and Peter, who had been on board when Sirius had first told them about the letters, were beginning to doubt him. After this, they might not even want to be his friends anymore.
He felt an intense wave of anger crash into him. This had been what Remus wanted all along, hadn't it! Remus was faking it, of course he was faking it. No one was this bent up about a dumb blanket, even if it was some childhood memento. To think he had almost fallen for the act!
Remus was good; he had to give him that much. Better than his mother even. But Sirius wouldn't fall for crocodile tears, even well-executed ones.
"Come on mates, he's faking, he has to be. I told you about the letters he keeps sending," he complained, but James shot him a glare that quickly shut him up.
"Gee Sirius, he sure doesn't sound like it to me. Besides, don't you think there might be the slightest chance you were wrong?"
He wanted to assure James that no, he was not wrong. But another stifled heart-wrenching sob from behind the door turned Sirius' flood of anger into a wave of panic.
"I... don't know..." he admitted hesitantly. James rolled his eyes, appearing more mature than Sirius had yet to see him be throughout the fun weeks they'd had so far.
Sirius felt sweaty and jittery and could hardly keep still. Meanwhile, James was just standing there calmly trying to explain to a hysterical boy who clearly wasn't listening that the whole thing had been a prank. James was trying his best to get Remus to listen and open the door.
"James, I think we should get a teacher. He sounds really upset," Peter insisted, though he looked as shaky as Sirius did. James sighed heavily and pinched his nose. James only did that when he was very stressed, as Sirius had learned after a revealing game of truth or dare.
"Yeah...that might be what we have to do. Let me just...try one more time." James' eyes hardened with determination. He banged on the door even louder than last time, speaking in a loud but calm voice.
"Remus, it's James. If you don't open up we are going to go get a professor."
The muffled sobs stopped abruptly. They waited and waited. Just when Sirius was beginning to worry something really was wrong, Remus opened the door. Their roommate's eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks tearstained but he was no longer crying.
He shot Sirius the weakest glare he'd ever seen. Because Remus' eyes were simply too full of sadness to appear angry, even if that's what he was going for.
It had to be an act, Sirius reminded himself. He'd prove it to James and Peter and then there would be no going back for Remus Lupin.
"Remus, we have been trying to tell you that this isn't really your stuff. Sirius is an idiot but your real clothes and blanket are in your trunk under your bed."
Remus' eyes widened and he whirled around. Rushing to his bed, falling hard to his knees, and scrambling under the bed. Sirius watched as Remus pulled his small chest against him. The shaking boy opened his trunk, which appeared to be a hand-me-down, with trembling hands and let out a cry out relief as the untouched beautiful quilt unfolded around him.
With his back firmly to them, he clutched the quilt to his chest and shook again with either sobs or laughter.
It must be the latter, Sirius thought. Remus must think they were fools who are buying his innocent act.
Despite assuring himself this was the case, Sirius felt rather sick. He couldn't be wrong about this. Because if he had been wrong he didn't think he could forgive himself.
"I think we all need to talk. Because frankly, I'm sick of this," James decided promptly, taking charge in a way Sirius allowed for now.
"Me too," piped up Peter immediately. Sirius shot him a look of annoyance. Just the other day Peter had been helping him scheme against Remus while James was in detention. Poor James had gotten caught for hexing Snivellus after catching the slimy shitbag laughing at a Muggleborn for tripping over their shoes.
"Remus?" James addressed the boy still clutching his blanket tightly. Remus was such a wuss!
There was a faint nod of agreement from the quivering boy huddled on the ground.
"My mum always says there are two sides to every story. I think it's time we heard your side, Remus. Why are you writing Sirius those nasty letters?" James began cooly.
There was a long pause in which Sirius found himself growing more irritated. Clearly, the boy was using this time to concoct some sort of excuse.
"I...I don't know what you mean...." Remus sounded so pitiful and it thoroughly pissed Sirius off. Luckily, James knew him well enough by now to hold him back from launching himself at Remus.
"What do you mean you don't know? You liar!" Sirius hollered at the boy still swinging his fists wildly, blinded by rage.
Of all the backstabbing two-faced people he had to deal with Remus was by far the worst!
Remus flinched again, no doubt realizing the whole thing was working as a stupid act to make Sirius appear insane. Sure enough, Peter was giving him a dubious look, and James seemed determined to figure out the truth, as if Sirius' explanation hadn't been good enough.
Sirius knew James was copying his mother, who apparently was the best at settling arguments. Although Sirius also quite resented his best friend for treating him like an explosive child.
"This is what we are going to do. Sirius, you are going to sit on my bed facing Remus' bed. And Remus, you are going to sit on your bed facing my bed. We are going to talk calmly and figure this out, alright?" James instructed calmly, placing his hands on his hips and trying to look more mature. The git!
Sirius glowered but nodded. If this was what it cost to out Remus as a two-faced liar, then so be it.
Remus nodded too, and a few minutes later James was standing on the ground in the middle of Remus' bed and his own bed pacing back and forth, deep in thought.
"Remus, you really have no idea of the charges brought against you?" James asked in a wise-sounding voice that made Sirius scoff despite the situation. Even now, James was trying to lighten the mood, it was both endearing and maddening.
But Remus didn't seem to get James was joking. Or most likely, Remus figured he'd appear more innocent if he took James' words to heart, because he shook his head placing a perfect confused look on his face. Sirius seethed letting out a low growl of anger which resulted in Remus flinching again and James scooping up a pillow and whacking him with it.
"Ow! Bloody hell, Potter!"
"Down boy! Now as I was saying, the evidence points against you, Remus, so you best plead your case."
Stupid Potter treating this like some sort of mock trial. Stupid Pettigrew for going along with whatever Potter said. And stupid, stupid Lupin for causing this whole mess!
"I'm sorry, but I really don't understand," the dumb kid whispered, fiddling with his blanket. It was as if he was afraid they might attack him and rip it to shreds in front of him.
"Stop playing the victim. We aren't the bad guys here, you are!" Sirius shouted, scowling as Remus flinched and moved back on his bed far as he could, so that his back was pressed firmly against the headboard. Remus looked like he wanted to make a run for it and Sirius hoped he would. The guilty ones always ran.
"Sirius, one more word out of you and I'll hold you in contempt!" James shouted in a mock uproar. Sirius felt his lips twitch despite himself.
"Bite me, Potter," he responded dryly, earning him another pillow whack.
"Ow, I want another judge."
"Well too bad, I'm all you got," Potter pointed out, seeming a little unnerved by Remus who still looked as if they might attack him.
"Look, I know the big bad wolf seems scary, but I won't let him bite you," teased James. The faux judge quickly looked puzzled as Remus went white as a sheet at this.
"Oh my gosh! Lupin, I'm not actually a wolf. Are you completely mental?" Sirius scoffed, but quickly made a halo ring around his head as James turned to glower at him.
"Look, Remus, we aren't going to hurt you. I know this tosser took things too far but none of us are actually going to hurt you," explained James, switching tactics and speaking in a softer voice. "We just want to get to the bottom of this. My father taught me to always look at both sides," James continued when Remus made no move to talk.
"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" Sirius attempted to copy James' calm and gentle tone, but he still ended up sounding irritated.
Maybe if he pretended to give Remus an out then perhaps the boy would confess. Then Sirius wouldn't feel like the shitty bad guy, when it was he who was the victim in this.
"I really don't know what you are talking about though," Remus' voice had gone up an octave and he sounded very distressed.
"The day after you went after Sirius pretending to care about him he's been receiving nasty letters from you. Letters telling him to go die and go back where he came from and how he shouldn't be a Gryffindor," explained James so matter of factly, that this time Sirius flinched with Remus.
The boy shook his head, looking horrified.
"I'd never," he whispered, daring to glance at Sirius. If Sirius had been in Remus' position and really was being wrongly accused, he'd be pissed. Remus, however, just seemed nervous, which served to reassure Sirius he was right.
"Look, we can just start a new leaf. I'll stop teasing you if you stop writing them, deal?" Sirius attempted 'kindly.'
Amber eyes widened and the boy seemed torn.
"Well, Remus?" James encouraged kindly.
"B...but I really haven't..." Remus protested weakly.
Suddenly Peter took out the collection of letters from underneath Sirius' pillow. Apparently the boy had known that was where the young Black had been keeping them. Peter came over and handed them to Remus before Sirius could protest.
A single tear ran down the boy's cheek as he read them and went deathly pale again. Remus almost looked like he might pass out. Not that Sirius would care if he did...
"But this is my..." Remus trailed off, inhaling sharply.
"Handwriting. We know. We compared them just to be certain." James cut in, no doubt saving Remus from having to stutter out some poorly concocted lie.
"This is so awful...I'm so sorry..." Remus apologized with a great deal of false sincerity, just like Sirius expected he would.
"HAH!" Sirius jumped up on the bed, elation and horror rushing through him. He was right. Remus really had written such nasty letters to him! Did he really think Sirius would believe he was sorry? What a joke!
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"Wait no I just...I meant I'm sorry you received these..." Remus hurried to explain but Sirius wasn't listening and it appeared neither James nor Peter were either. Remus felt sick, he truly hadn't written these. But what could he say to convince them when this was clearly his handwriting?
Then a terrible thought entered his mind. Maybe he had written them? What if the wolf was somehow distorting things? What if he was becoming crazy and dangerous?
Deep shame rose within him. Was it that hard to believe? He was a monster and even if these letters sounded nothing like him...maybe he really had written them. What other explanation was there? Of course, it could have been some sort of spell, but Remus hadn't heard anything like that and if there was a spell it must be too complicated for anyone in their year to accomplish.
Remus didn't know anyone in the older years and there was certainly no reason for anyone to do something like this to him and Sirius. They had been here for such a short time. Even if Sirius had rubbed someone the wrong way, which wasn't unlikely, no one was cruel enough to do something like this. Remus felt his shoulders droop with exhaustion and surrender.
He was the only logical explanation. Even if James, Peter, and Sirius didn't realize how significant this was, Remus did. He had heard horror stories, told by his uncle, of werewolves who went mad and saw things or hurt people without remembering it. Maybe this was something along those lines? He clutched the letters closer and pocketed one of them before James and Sirius stopped arguing and everyone turned their attention back to him.
"Look, Sirius is convinced you're guilty, but I'm not quite as certain. Remus, did you or did you not write the letters?" James asked, a hand on Sirius' shoulder to keep him from storming over to Remus as he appeared to very much want to do
"I...did..." Remus admitted with a heavy heart.
There was a loud gasp from Peter and three pairs of disgusted eyes turned to him. Remus hung his head, face hot with shame.
"W...why...Why would you do something like that?" James asked, his voice shaking with anger.
"I don't know," Remus whimpered. But he knew none of them would like that answer.
"Get out, just GET OUT!" Sirius shouted with a voice full of anger and hurt.
"C...can we do that?" Peter squeaked.
"Well, I think it's called for. Don't you, Remus?" James asked him in a tone daring him to disagree. Remus nodded and could feel their glares on his back as he left the room, tucking his blanket in his pack. He found a corner to tuck himself away in and think while a lot of people were in the common room. After a while, older students who had Astronomy filed out to attend the evening class. Remus moved over to the couch quickly, losing himself in his dark speculation.
He had almost forgotten about Lily and his promise to study with her entirely. Remus had been sitting on the couch where he had been staring into the fire, deep in distressing thoughts for hours. Then he was shaken out of his daze by Lily who came storming into the common room, a letter clutched firmly in her hand.
"Remus, what is the meaning of this? Sirius and James are showing these to all the Gryffindors. You have to let me do something! This lie is going to make all the Gryffindors hate you."
Remus despised crying in front of people, but he couldn't stop a few tears running down his cheeks. He ducked his head to hide them from Lily. Remus jumped as she came over and sat beside him, taking his hand.
"Remus, please talk to me. Sev is saying you must have written these and I shouldn't be friends with you."
Remus could hear the tears in her voice.
"Dorcas agrees," she whispered as if saying it out loud might cause her to admit she agreed too.
"Lily...I'm not...I didn't..." He choked back a sob. At this rate, he wouldn't even be at Hogwarts long enough to have his first transformation here, which might be for the best. He knew he couldn't go home to his father, he couldn't bear to stay there knowing how much he had disappointed him. Besides, there was a good chance his father wouldn't even let him stay.
He wondered if maybe Dumbledore would allow him to stay at Hogwarts. Perhaps he could live in the shack connected to the Whomping Willow. It had been made for him, anyways. Remus knew his wand would be snapped, but at least he'd have a roof over his head. Unless he was at too much of a risk to go feral, then maybe they'd just put him down. He almost laughed through his tears. What a fitting end for a monster.
"Remus?" Lily sounded uncertain, almost afraid of him and he realized with a pang that he had actually laughed out loud. He must have sounded mad, no wonder she sounded scared. She surely was brave to keep holding his hand like this. What if he attacked her?
Surely he wasn't that crazy, was he?
"Remus, just tell me you didn't do it and I'll believe you," she urged him with a desperate plea to her voice.
"I...I can't," he sounded dead. He practically was dead! After all, even if he wasn't sent to Azkaban, it's not like Remus was going to be allowed to stay at Hogwarts now. At Remus' refusal to deny that he had written the letters, Lily let go of his hand abruptly, as if he had burned her.
"You couldn't have written these Remus, you are one of the nicest boys at Hogwarts. You never would have..." She lowered her voice into a horrified whisper, "written that Sirius should have been born a mudblood because he's filthy just like them."
Remus stiffened. He couldn't have written that he didn't even think like that! He shook his head, feeling ill.
"I couldn't have...I didn't...I don't know...," he stammered, quickly blinking back more tears.
"Why do you sound so unsure? You either wrote them or you didn't...right?"
"I must have..."
Lily got off the couch and backed quickly away from him. He glanced at her, feeling terrible at the tears running down her cheeks.
"I don't understand Remus...why would you?"
"I don't know," he sighed and hung his head so he didn't have to see her look of disgust as she stomped off.
He wanted to stay and cry, but other people were coming back from finishing dinner. Besides, he had to find Dumbledore's office. Remus had to tell the headmaster what he had done before he did something worse. Holding the one letter he had snagged in his pocket he dared to ask a kind-looking Hufflepuff prefect for directions. Luckily the rumors, or truths, his roommates had been spreading had only reached the Gryffindors for the moment. The Hufflepuff prefect smiled at him and led him to the office herself.
"Don't worry, he's very kind," she explained. He almost said 'I know' but she was already walking away, leaving him to climb up the stairs that had appeared after the prefect whispered to a gargoyle some password Remus hadn't heard.
He was sure the prefect must have known Dumbledore was in his office, otherwise there was no way she would have let him climb the stairs alone. Sure enough, even before he could muster the courage to knock, a familiar and unbearably kind voice called out for him to enter. It was his first time in the headmaster's office and he didn't let himself look around or think about it much for fear he'd turn back. Remus forced himself to stare at Dumbledore's beard as he stood in the doorway.
"Remus, what a nice surprise. Come in and have a seat." The headmaster said.
Then the headmaster got up and did something rather strange. There were large portraits behind him of life-like witches and wizards. Dumbledore turned several of the paintings over. Remus sat obediently in the chair and politely refused the candy Dumbledore offered him. The silence stretched as Dumbledore waited for him to speak, and at least for the moment, Remus wished Dumbledore could indeed read his mind which would make this a lot easier.
"Professor I...I think you should expel me."
"Why should I do that?" Dumbledore asked calmly.
There was no mischief or amusement in Dumbledore's grave voice this time, and Remus felt the weight of the situation heavily on his shoulders. He slumped slightly in his seat wanting to disappear.
"Remus, sit up and look me in the eye. You are a Gryffindor, after all," Dumbledore encouraged gently. Remus found it almost easy to do so when he tried, and held Dumbledore's gaze as firmly as he had back at his little house he'd probably never see again.
"Was, sir. I'm not a wizard. I don't belong here and I'm far too dangerous to be allowed to stay." He sounded close to tears but Dumbledore said nothing. The headmaster just gazed at him sadly so he pressed on. "I really appreciate you letting me come here and I've learned a lot in the few weeks I've been here but...but sir, you can't trust me." Now that he was explaining it all came rushing out:
"You see, I think I'm going feral. I wrote terrible letters but I don't remember writing them. My roommates hate me and now the whole of Gryffindor hates me. Sir, I've caused nothing but problems and at the full moon I might hurt someone and I don't want to do that so please just expel me," he explained quickly, his voice rising as tears spilled down his cheeks.
Dumbledore still held his gaze. His eyes held a solemn sadness, but not the condemnation that Remus was expecting.
"Remus, I will not force you to stay at Hogwarts if you do not want to. However, I urge you to really search your heart. Do you want this?"
Remus shook his head already knowing the answer, it seemed the headmaster wasn't understanding the seriousness of the situation.
"I want to. Even if my whole house hates me I want to be a wizard. But sir, you don't understand. I'm going feral and that means I'm unpredictable. I could bite someone I could...really hurt someone. I don't remember writing this letter so you see, it's already started."
He was sobbing now and Dumbledore wordlessly offered him another handkerchief which sent him crying harder. Through his tears, Remus rummaged in his backpack pulling out the one his headmaster had loaned him what seemed like forever ago.
"Sorry sir, I forgot to give it back. I didn't mean to keep it, I just..."
"I gave you that handkerchief and I assure you that you don't have to worry about returning it. But Remus, you must take a deep breath." Something about Dumbledore's tone made him comply immediately.
"Now, first things first. What is this about going feral?"
"Sir, perhaps you haven't heard but...but werewolves can lose their minds and attack people...do terrible things...without even realizing it." For the first time, Remus wondered if the shadow man had been feral. He quickly pushed this thought away.
"Remus, where did you hear this?" Dumbledore sounded severe. Remus wondered if the headmaster had known this prior if he would have let Remus attend Hogwarts at all. Maybe he shouldn't have. After all, Remus had hurt a lot of people.
"Remus, focus," Dumbledore sighed gently. "Where did you hear the information about being feral?"
"M...My uncle sir."
He was confused as to why this mattered and was surprised to see the anger in Dumbledore's eyes which were looking past him and which quickly clouded into grief.
"I see. Remus, your uncle is a very close-minded and unhappy man. I urge you to place no trust in him in the future. He lied to you, Remus. There is no such thing as a feral werewolf."
"But..."
"Remus, I assure you with the utmost certainty that this is not the truth."
Remus felt the world spin under him.
"It's not?" he asked dumbly, the realization slowly sinking in. Remus had spent a large amount of time both before and since coming to Hogwarts worrying over becoming feral.
"My father never corrected me, sir..."
"Professor or headmaster, Remus." Dumbledore corrected gently then sighed, looking as sad as Remus felt. "I'm sure your father believed this would be a way to assure that you...always took the utmost care with regards to your condition. Your uncle wanted to hurt you but your father..as misguided as it was, believed he was protecting you."
This didn't help! It certainly didn't make Remus feel any better.
As awful as his uncle had been to him, Remus never suspected he'd lie to him. After all his uncle always said, the only reason he was so hard on Remus was because he wanted to keep him in line.
Remus needed firm discipline. His uncle simply was helping by putting him down and reminding him that he was a monster so he never forgot. But his father...that was even worse! He couldn't wrap his head around the fact his father had lied to him. It didn't make sense. All that lie had done was make Remus more panicked about all of this. Being told he could become feral had without a doubt been the cause of many terrible transformations which resulted in devastating injury.
How could his father have done this to him?
"Remus, I know it is not fair to ask you to be mature about this, especially when you have carried more than a child your age should have to. But I strongly advise you not to write or contact your father about this until you have calmed down. If you permit me to, I'd like to talk to him again."
It was a generous offer that might even result in something positive. But 'what' Remus didn't know. He didn't like the idea of two adults talking about him behind his back. Which apparently was exactly what his uncle and father had done. Dumbledore was right, he shouldn't have to be mature about this. Remus didn't want to be! He wanted to scream and cry and lash out at his father as he had never done before. But he kept it inside because he did have to be mature. So instead of scream, he gritted his teeth and shook his head.