Cigarette smoke and a musty, sweaty smell, fried food smell covered the enthusiastic crowd as Ellie stood at the door of the green room. Over in the corner, Gav from Glue played a guitar, the smooth notes caught amongst the haze.
Lifting her chin, Ellie searched for Daniel hoping to catch his eye and somehow find a moment to talk to him in private; find a way to turn the house lights on and reveal the glaringly obvious truth that Ellie could not concentrate in her band and him at the same time — that she couldn't comprehend how he could think of her as being brilliant when he was beyond brilliance. Way beyond it into whole other galaxy of brilliance.
Except it would be hard to talk to him about it after what he'd done during Glue's gig - smiling over at Ellie whenever he could. Telling his adoring fans to keep an eye on Slider; that they were on their way up and their CD was on repeat in his Discman. As he strode off stage at the end of the set, all amped-up and filled with music, idolised and adored, he headed her way. He'd fixed his eyes on Ellie's amidst the roars of the crowd and the quickly closing-in throng of journos and crew. Then he'd brushed past, touching her arm lightly with his own, causing her to break out in goosebumps.
When she couldn't spot Daniel among the relaxed crowd, she grabbed a beer from the bar and zig-zagged her way across the room dodging crushed beer cans and ciggie butts and rubbish to where Gav, Glue's guitarist, perched on a tall bar stool in the smoke-filled haze of the crowded green room playing a sexy-looking Ralph Bown that had a gentle but full, authoritative sound.
A crowd of people gathered around him, lounging on the floor, leaning against the walls, nodding in time to the beat. Ellie watched as he expertly cast his fingers over the strings, playing a sweet, sad, melancholic tone. A mop head of brown hair. Gentle, humble, enormous eyes behind Buddy Holly sunglasses. Corduroy pants. Homely knitted striped jumper. Desert boots. No wonder Glue was so amazing. Along with a cocky lead singer who didn't shirk from his front man's responsibilities, they had this insanely talented creative guy who played the Bown like it was part of him - holding it close to his body as if it was just another limb, another extension of himself.
Ellie turned from Gav to seek out her sister Coral who Ellie knew had no interest in music. There had been enough music in her life after their parents dragged them around all those folk festivals when they were young, forcing them to go on stage and play the tambourine or the triangle to crowds of stoned, long-haired hippies.
She found Coral sprawled on a brown floral couch with Meg and James, Glue's not-so-angelic bass player. Off to the side, Glue's drummer, Will, relaxed in another dirty-looking lounge chair with his eyes closed, head thrown back, mouth wide open—either fast asleep or passed out, Ellie couldn't be sure. Kim perched on a stool next to Ash, who sat back on a sticky looking leather lounge chair with his legs spread wide.
As she approached, Ellie took the chance to look Ash over. It was strange to see him in the flesh after he'd been a fuzz of white noise in her head for so many years. There was something about him that made her tired. The sharp crease down the front of his pressed pants bothered her. And the way he gelled his hair so it stayed curled around his ears looked awkward and forced. She took another slug of beer wondering if his ordinariness was because she'd built him up into being something so remarkable for so long. She also wondered if he seemed unremarkable to her because next to Daniel Armstrong, even a Calvin Klein model would look like Alice Cooper after a night on the turps.
Ellie shifted her eyes to James, who stared at her through his dark fringe with stoned eyes and a huge, puppy-dog grin.
"You are a punk angel," he crooned, breaking her thoughts.
Ellie didn't know what James was on, but it was definitely more than beer and mull. Meg didn't mind. She was all over him, cuddled on his knees, arms wrapped around his shoulders, face snuggled into his neck. Ellie saw his long fingers twist under her sleeve to caress her bare skin. It was such an intimate thing to see, and a twinge of neediness overcame her.
Ellie shook the thought away.
Her supposedly more mature sister, Coral, smoked a massive jay in front of her.
"What would Mum say to you right now, Coral?" Ellie shook her head.
"Can I have some of that?" Coral let out one of her deep hoots of laughter as she passed the joint on to Meg.
Without lifting her head from James's shoulder, Meg took a toke and passed the durry to James. "Your olds are the best ever."
"When I grow old ... I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled," James purred, examining the spliff with huge, brown eyes from under his shining locks. "T. S. Eliot."
Ellie took another gulp of cold beer and pointed at him with the neck of the bottle. "Hate to break it to you, sailor, but your trousers are already rolled."
James gave her a lazy smile before he waved a hand towards the door. "Aha! The man of the moment." Ellie turned to see Daniel make his highly anticipated entrance. "That boffin knows turning up late gets him the most attention," James drawled.
The beer in Ellie's empty stomach swirled as she noticed a change come over the room. Wearing an expensive looking navy-blue t-shirt and baggy jeans, Daniel made his way through the crowd, golden hair ruffled to perfection, cigarette hanging from his pouty lips, eyes sparked and lively. Everyone stood a little straighter as he neared them. Women pushed their boobs out and their hair back as he passed. Ellie watched how they eyed him over their drinks, lips parted, cheeks flushed. The men did the same.
It wasn't enough that Glue's other band members were here - or Slider. Daniel was the man everyone wanted to see, and he was well versed in working a room - charismatic and addictive. Everyone wanted him to come over, talk to them, high-five and slap them on the back, share a joke. Everyone wanted to be touched by what he had.
Ellie glugged her beer and turned away from The Daniel Show to see Ash gazing up at her with those green eyes she'd coveted for so long. Except now he was here, she wondered if maybe she'd wasted the last four years thinking about him.
It was time to put the past behind her.
It was time to let Kombi Van Man go.
Ellie flicked her thumb at the door. "Let's talk," she said to Ash who raised his bronze eyebrows at her.
"Good for you," Kim said, patting Ellie's hand but Ellie brushed her away.
She fixed her stare on Ash; tilted her head towards the door.
Ash finally pushed himself out of the chair and Ellie passed her beer to Coral.
"I won't be long," Ellie said to her sister. "Make sure you're nice to everyone."
Avoiding the stares of Meg and James, Ellie made her way through the crowd with Ash, her boots thudding across the cigarette-singed, sticky carpet in time with her beating heart.
All she needed to do was find out why Ash was here, make sure he apologised to her for being such a dick, then tell him to leave.
She'd already spent too long thinking about him.
When they got out into the stark white corridor, Ash grabbed her hand. "Wait," he smiled. "I know where we can go."
Ellie shook herself free. "Where?"
"My van."
Ellie blinked at how ridiculous this sounded. "Your van?"
Ash's green eyes were washed with flecks of gold. Ellie had forgotten that until one verse in 'Green' came back to her.
"It's right outside. Meg got me a parking pass."
Ellie lifted her chin to the ceiling as her heart slopped around inside her chest. There really wasn't anywhere they could go where they wouldn't be interrupted - apart from the bogs, and Ellie didn't fancy that. She let out a sigh. "Fine."
She led Ash through the whitewashed halls to where a security guard stood by the exit, jabbering electronic voices from his walky-talky echoing around the walls. He waved them through once Ellie confirmed he would let them back inside again.
The air outside was still warm and Ellie checked for paparazzi lurking at the stage door entrance. Thankfully, there were none. Across the nearly empty car park, she made out Ash's Kombi van parked under the bright glow of a security light but it was no longer a rusty old wreck. It was shiny and sleek and freshly restored.
Even still, it caused Ellie to stop on the spot, her heart banging hard as if she'd added a boost pedal to it.
Ellie could handle this.
She'd handled The Pig on stage in Germany, hadn't she?
If she could handle a Marshall amp with 200 watts of sheer noise perfection that caused her intestines to shudder as she struck her first chord, she could handle this.
"You've still got the same fuckin' van?"
"It's a classic," Ash said, giving Ellie a small grin.
"How many other people have you rooted in that bloody van, anyway?"
Ash shrugged and gave her a small smile.
Even in the stark security light, the shadows that fell across his face took her right back to one of the most meaningful moments in her life. Even though he didn't seem to surf much anymore, Ellie could still smell a distant saltiness on him; that underlying spiciness that had driven her teenage hormones mad.
"Why are you here?" she asked, crossing her arms to steady herself from moving any closer to the Kombi. "After all this time? You know my sister. It was one simple phone call."
Ash's gaze softened on hers. "I know I hurt you."
Even though Ellie didn't want them to, pricks of tears burned in the corners of her eyes. "Did you make all that shit up you said to me that weekend?"
Ash glanced across the car park to where a gleaming silver Holden Commodore was parked next to the Kombi, before looking back at Ellie. "I don't know what I said but I want you to know I'm not that guy any more. I've got a proper job. A house—"
"Care factor zero." Ellie folded her arms tighter around herself to give herself the strength to say what she had to say to him. "You think I enjoyed how you pissed off without saying goodbye? You ... we ... " Her shoulders wilted, and she pressed her hands to her chest where it hurt the most. "It was ... special—"
"I know."
"—and you ruined it."
"We were young." Ash looked down at his tan loafers before sending an enquiring gaze back to Ellie. "You must've been with a hundred people since me?"
There was no way Ellie could tell Ash he was the only one.
"Why? Just tell me why," she sputtered, lifting her eyes to find him looking at her with a deep, soft tenderness that could have parted waves.