{Here we go, back into the fray! First of all, I'm pretty damn excited about this story, probably more so than I was with Surrender so hopefully it all comes across the way I imagined it. If you're confused at any point in this I'll try to answer as many questions as I can without giving away too much, but for the most part just hang in there with me, okay? This chapter is dedicated to @eatreadwriterepeat because you just need a little bit of Diana guidance to get your shit together and carry on with your writing. She is a God send so READ HER STORIES ASAP. I was going to post this yesterday but my internet was PMSing so here it is a day late!}
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June 4th, 2015
Psyche Ward of the Boston Memorial Hospital
"I still can't figure out 7 across." I say, sticking the pencil behind my ear, glancing up at Rae, expecting her to turn her head and ask me to read the clue to her, but like always; she doesn't. I toss the paper on the bed and give up for the day. I scoot my chair closer to hers and sit in front of her, staring out the window, trying to imagine what she's seeing, if she's seeing anything at all. I peek at her from the corner of my eye, watching as she occasionally blinks, her face set in stone and her body stiff and unmoving. Her hair is longer, it sits just past her shoulders now and her face has aged since last June. I rub my eyes, fighting off the exhaustion I feel and sit back in my chair, staring at the setting sun, wondering how it's been a year since she was first admitted. This month would also mark a year since Harry died, another thing I just can't wrap my mind around. I haven't heard her voice in a year or seen her smile, or laugh or felt her hands in mine and the gentle way they used to travel up my chest and tangle themselves in my hair. Jesus it's been a year. A fucking year stuck in this hell hole they call a hospital with their bare white walls and thin, starched sheets. It's been a year and we're both still stuck here, day in and day out with nothing on the other side of this but another year of her silence to drive me right into insanity, maybe even into a room right next to hers, or better yet, a bed in the same room. I haven't been home today and judging by how exhausted I feel I probably won't make it home until tomorrow morning. I need to shower, shave and change my clothes. If I run home tonight then I can stay longer tomorrow before I stop at home... Just then the door opens and in walks Roberta, the nurse that's in charge of checking Rae's vitals every few hours, followed by my mom. Over the past year we've become well acquainted with each other and it's because of her that I'm allowed to come and go whenever I want. She's a woman in her late fifties, very kind and very patient. You'd have to be in this situation, especially with someone as stubborn as Rae.
"Hi Louis." She chirps, smiling at me as she glances at Rae's chart and then pulls some rubber gloves out of her pocket, "And hello to you too Miss Rae." I scoot my chair back to its original position and let her waddle over to Rae to begin. My mom hands me a cup of coffee and bends down to kiss the top of my head, sitting next to me, cradling her cup in her hands as we both settle in to watch. She's been coming in for a few hours every day to sit with me and Rae. She usually reads or talks about the kids to distract me for a little while. Last June I spent a few weeks back at home while I recovered and I'd told her everything that happened in Seattle. That's the great thing about my Mom, she's always been there to listen to me, to encourage me to keep going even when I want to give up and back then that's all I wanted. In the beginning it was her who dragged me out of bed and brought me here. I hated it at first, I hated the smell, the feeling, but soon after that she gave up on trying to get me to go home.
"How have you been Roberta?" I saw her about 4 hours ago, not much could have changed in that amount of time but I need to fill the air around us with something.
"Oh just fine, just fine. I was just getting Jay up to speed on everything that's been happening the last few days." She straps the blood pressure gauge around Rae's arm, her hand bobbing up and down limply. I glance over at my mom and see her smile from behind her coffee cup. There isn't much to get caught up on, things here are always the same, but I know she indulges the nurses and asks more questions than she really needs to.
"That's right, I'm all caught up." She says, smiling at me and taking a sip of her black coffee. I remember watching her pour herself a cup every morning and I guess I just adopted it, enjoying the rich smell and bitter taste so much that I never tried it any other way, except for the past few months I only take my coffee with cream, just like Rae.
"She's been doing very good lately. Her heart beat is strong, her blood pressure is normal, everything seems to be working as it should." We both nod along. This isn't new information but I guess the nurses feel compelled to deliver it like that to give us hope.
"How were her MRI's this morning?" My mom asks. Roberta hesitates and then smiles.
"The same," She says, avoiding any eye contact with us and our disappointed expressions. "So Louis, honey, when was the last time you went home and slept in your own bed?" She asks, changing the subject
"Um...Yesterday morning I think." I'm not entirely sure when I went home last. Days blur together here and pretty soon a week has gone by but it really feels like a matter of minutes. I'd developed a habit of going straight to my Mom's house before going home and sometimes I'd forget to go shower and just come right back here. I hated leaving for more than a couple of hours, I always felt anxious if I spent too much time away from her, like there's this fear inside of me that she'll suddenly come around when I'm not here and I need to be here when that happens. I will be here when that happens. Roberta scribbles some numbers on the chart and moves on, checking Rae's pulse next.
"Honey, you need to go home and sleep, not that you will, but I always need to say it just in case you listen to me one of these days." She eyes me, silently scolding me for never listening to her and I force a smile.
"I can't make any promises." I say wearily, cringing at the sight of someone touching Rae and getting absoluetely no response out of her. Does she even feel that? You'd think after a year of this I'd be used to it, but I don't think I ever will.
"Mhmmm, I didn't think so." She teases, winking at me, her glasses slipping further down her nose. She scribbles more numbers on the chart and flips through a few of the pages and then tucks it under her arm.
"Well, I'm all done here, but I'll be back in 4 hours. Try to get some rest." I smile at her as she passes me.
"Thank you Roberta." My mom says, giving her a warm smile as she leaves, closing the door softly behind her.
The sun has set by now and a bright summer glow fills the sky outside. It would be beautiful on any other night in any other lifetime but it's the same sky I see every day and there's nothing beautiful about it from the chair I'm sitting in.
"Roberta's right, Lou, you should go home and sleep tonight." She turns in her chair to face me, a look of worry in her blue eyes.
"I can't leave." I say, repeating the same sentence I say to everyone who comes and goes.
"I'll stay with her tonight, Dan has everything handled at home." She reaches over and takes my hand, giving it a firm squeeze to let me know she's here for me, but just because I've chosen to put my life on hold doesn't mean she has to do the same.
"Go home, be with Dan and the kids. I'm fine." I tell her, squeezing her hand right back. She's always been so involved in each of her children's lives and the fact that she can't be here with me every single day is killing her. There's a look of doubt in her eyes and I sometimes wonder if she thinks I'm crazy for doing this, for staying here and fighting for someone so far away from me in every way.
"But Louis, honey, you have to sleep and eat." She pleads with me, trying to coax me into taking her up on her offer. But I can't. I have to be here. I have to.
"Mom I will, okay? Just go home and be with your kids, they need you more than I do right now." She knows it's true, there's nothing she can here but keep me caffeinated and I can do that alone.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon alright?" She says a little reluctantly as she picks her purse off of the floor and slings it over her shoulder.
"Alright." I smile at her and sit back in my chair, her hand still wrapped around mine.
"I love you kid." She says, squeezing my hand one last time.
"I love you too Mom." She drops my hand and walks over to where Rae is sat in her chair. She smooths back her hair and kneels in front of her, giving her pale hands a kiss.
"Goodbye Rae, I'll see you tomorrow." I look away, a lump forming in the back of my throat. She stops and leaves a kiss on my cheek and then leaves, the eerie silence filling the room like it always does when we're left alone together. I sit up and take a few sips of my coffee, letting the caffeine wake me up a little.
"So what should we do tonight?" I say to her, leaning forward in my chair, "We could give that crossword another shot, or I could read to you? I picked a few things up at the bookstore a while back. While I was there I realized I have no idea what your favorite book is so I just kind of bought a variety of things." My voice carries and falls into the dead air in the room, going unheard by the one person I want to hear me the most.
"C'mon Rae say something. Or twitch or move your finger, just...do something. Please." I beg. I do this more for myself than I do it for her. I drop to the floor and kneel in front of her, craving the feeling of her skin on mine. The last time we had phsycial contact was back in December and the feeling of her cold skin on mine was so strange I didn't dare touch her again, but for some reason the sensation is so strong that I can't help myself.
I slowly bring my hand down on top of hers and slide it up her arm. It's like touching her for the first time but it also feels unbelievably familiar, like it was just yesterday that I held her in my arms. Her skin isn't as cold as I remember, in fact, it feels kind of...warm. I do the same with my other hand and grip her forearms, dropping my head into her lap and inhale, expecting the scent of grapefruit to fill my nose but it doesn't. Her scent is ling gone just like everything else I loved about her. I let my hands fall to my sides and I close my eyes, hearing a
There's a soft knock on the door and I turn at the sound, wondering if it's Roberta, but it can't be, it's too soon. I stand and walk across the white floor and slowly pull open the door.
"Gemma?" I haven't seen her in a year and she looks like an entirely different person. Her hair is blonde how and much longer than I remember. She offers me a timid smile and I try to think of something to say among the millions of things I whould be saying.
"Hi Louis." She says in a quiet voice, her eyes darting past me and then resting on my face. It's good to see her again, it feels good to see her again.
"How did you uh, visting hours are over." I ask, my tongue tripping over my words. She smiles and nods, knowing what I'm trying to ask.
"A nurse named Roberta said it would be alright just this once." I chuckle for the first time in months and smile at her, a feeling I haven't felt in a long time creeping over me; interest.
"Do you want to come inside?" We both hesitate, no doubt our minds flashing back to our last encounter and the words she said to me, that she'd be waiting on the side lines for me when things didn't work out between Rae and I. She bites her lip, her slender face pulled down into a frown as she considers coming in and seeing Rae the way she is.
"It's okay if you don't-" She holds up her hand to stop me.
"No I want to, I will. Yes I'll come in." She says in a shaky voice, unsure of herself. I open the door a little wider and step aside so she can walk past me. She takes careful, deliberate steps and keeps her eyes on the floor as she goes. I close the door behind her and sit down in my chair, letting her know it's okay for her to sit as well. She sets her bag down on the floor and stiffly takes a seat, looking anywhere but at the window.
"You look different." I say, unable to think of something else to say. Her eyes find mine and she bites her lip again.
"You do too." Her eyes roam over my face and I suddenly feel nervous wishing that I had gone home to shower. There's a silence between us as we think about what to say next. I never thought there would be this kind of tension between me and Gemma but I guess a year apart will do that to you.
"Cal told me you live in New York now?" I remember him telling me this in passing one day while he was visitn with Lorraine, Rae's mother, but I never thought much of it then.
She nods and tucks her hair behind her ear. "I write for a magazine in the city, nothing too flashy, but I like it." She says modestly, dismissing it with a wave of her hand. I don't know why she's here but it isn't to talk about herself.
"Gemma that's great." I want to reach out and touch her hand but I stop myself. I don't know where we stand so it's probably best to keep it formal for now.
"Thank you." She quietly says, folding her hands in her lap. She looks so much like Harry with her face pointed downward and the way the light is casting a shadow on her nose and eyebrows.
"I'm sorry I haven't called I've been...busy." She looks up at me, tears in her eyes.
"I know." She says in a breathy voice, trying not to giver her emotions away. I decide to reach out to her but she pulls away, her eyes finally landing on Rae sitting at the window.
"It's...weird." She chuckles, quickly wiping her eyes. I lean into her and take her hand again, this time she doesn't pull away.
"She can't hear us." I say, my voice cracking. I've never said those words out loud before.
"I'm almost sorry that she can't because I have some news that would interest the both of you." She tears her eyes away from Rae to look at me. She sits up straight and clear her throat, pulling her hand out of mine to take a manilla folder out of her bag.
"I have a friend who works at the Times back in New York and I had him do some digging for me over the past month or so." Her hands are shaking and she looks as if she's trying not to get ahead of herself.
"Digging? What kind of digging?" I ask. Everything about this feels wrong to me, like Rae should be hearing this instead of me.
"Sort of like investigative work but the way a journalist would do it," She takes a deep breath and looks directly at Rae, "He found some information about Peter that I think you should see." I lean away from her and look down the folder in her lap. She takes it in her slim fingers and holds it out to me. I gingerly take it from her and feel the weight of what's inside crush my fingers. This is information I would have killed for 6 months ago. I buried my hatred for Peter in December when I decided that getting Rae back was more important than getting my revenge but now...
"What am I supposed to do with this?" I say in a hollow voice, knowing exactly what she expects me to do with this.
"Whatever you want. I just thought that this could be my way of apologizing," Now that's what I was expecting, "I thought that if I brought you this then we could get back to the way things were."
"And how was that?" I turn my back on her and look at Rae, completely unaware of what I'm holding in my hands. I feel her hand on my shoulder and I cringe.
"I want it back to the way it was before Seattle. Before Rae, before you didn't love me anymore." I stand and cross to the door, my thoughts doing somersaults.
"Louis-"
"Get out." I say through my teeth, my hands gripping the folder so tight it starts to wrinkle.
"No, Louis please just listen to-"
"I said get out." I say loudly, fighting the urge to turn around and remove her from the room myself. Why does she hold onto the past so tight? Why did she think that after a year of waiting for Rae to come back to me, that I would choose her? How many times do I have to tell her I don't love her for her to get the picture? I admit when I first saw her the lonely part of me wanted something, but what that something was I have no idea because the majority of my mind and my heart still wants Rae.
I hear her stand and walk past me without another word. I lean against the wall and release my grip on the folder. How do I even know that what's in here is anything that could help me? How would I even begin to look for Peter after an entire year? I walk over to the garbage can and let the folder fall inside. That isn't my life anymore, he isn't part of our lives anymore. I don't need to drudge up the past when we an barely move out of the present. I sit back in my chair and watch her until the nurse comes in to check her vitals, move her back to the bed and give her a mild sedative so she can sleep, and then, just like every night I sit up and watch her sleep until I can't take it anymore and I too, drift away.