My fingers gently grazed the leather binding of the book before me. I took in the feel and the small ridges as my hand went down the length of the photo album. It had a smooth texture with intricate patterns along the spine. I pulled the book open and sniffled while also reaching for a tissue on the far corner of our coffee table. I struggled but my mother provided assistance by pulling the box closer within my reach.
"Thank you," I muttered, sounding stuffed with my blocked nose.
The three of us sat shoulder to shoulder on the couch after deciding to browse the family photo album together.
My attention shifted to that of my sister on the other side of me as she let out a snicker. I turned to her and I found her peering down at the photo album laying open on the table before us. I finally looked to view a photo of the both of us when we were ten and five, dressed up as a hotdog and french fries for Halloween. I began to laugh with her despite the hollow feeling within my chest.
"Who came up with the idea for these costumes?" Jordyn wondered.
My laughter died down and I turned to her with my eyebrow raised. "Hotdog and fries, name a better duo," I challenged. I couldn't feign seriousness for long. She glared at me a moment before chuckling and I followed behind her almost immediately.
Our eyes reverted to the photo album again once the room fell into silence with our laughter winding down.
My eyes danced between the photos within the album, reminiscing the memories in them of the family dynamic we used to have. My father was in most of the photos, his burly figure immediately catching my eye with every photo I viewed. Some of the events within the photos replayed in my mind and I found myself trying to remember the sound of his voice and laughter but to no avail. I sighed in frustration and focused on something else.
Flipping the page, I decided to think about the awful jokes he used to make and his poor attempts to make us laugh. He was corny and he was kind. He was my best friend, but first and foremost -- he was my dad.
With every page after that point, my mother, sister and I began to reminisce the moments we shared together as a family, with my father being at the forefront of the things we shared. From family trips to things we did at home, we recalled and shared fond memories of him.
We laughed hard until we were clutching our stomachs and cried out of pure happiness and joy at the honor of sharing a life with such a man. Loss of a family member was something I knew was inevitable but nothing I was prepared for. Nevertheless, I was going to honor my father and remember him as he was.
I flipped to the last page remaining in the photo album to find a photo taken the day of my seventeenth birthday dinner. My eyes glanced around the entirety of the photo, from the restaurant in the background to all of our happy faces, unaware of the events that were going to take place that day.
My father, towering over us all, had a finger pointed at me while glaring at the camera. Meanwhile, my mom was staring at my father, oblivious of the bunny ears my sister created behind her head. And I was grinning from ear to ear with my eyes closed. My heart stilled at the sight and the realization of that being the last time we were truly a family.
A lump found its way to my throat. My attempts at swallowing it down were futile. Tears brimmed my eyes. "I miss him," I choked out. With those words, the tears fell. The women beside me quickly wrapped their arms around me. I welcomed their comforting gesture and clasped a hand on their arm.
For what felt like the thousandth time that day, I cried. My mother nor sister tried to silence or stop me, instead, they allowed me to feel every bit of emotion coursing through me.
Several moments passed and the tears slowed to nothing with the only thing being audible was that of the sniffles between the three of us. The tissue box was now empty with used tissues laying across the coffee table before us beside the open photo album. The two women beside me pulled away and I watched as my mom leaned forward to place a hand onto the album. Her eyes lingered on that of the last photo it was open to.
"Maybe this shouldn't be in here," she started to say. Her hand reached into the film.
"No," I interjected. "Despite what happened, that day was a good day. I want to remember it not because of the tragic event, but for how we were as a family celebrating my birthday." I met her gaze and found tears welling her eyes.
She nodded her head in agreement and pulled the album shut. The words The Drew Family were etched in a cursive font along the front cover. I glared at it with thoughts churning in my mind.
"Are we going to be okay?" I asked aloud staring absentmindedly at the album. At that moment, I thought about what has happened in the time span of five years - I disappeared, my father died, and I returned.
I tore my eyes away to look at my mother who was wiping away at her cheeks with her hands. She nodded frantically before looking between my sister and I. "We're going to be just fine."
"There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss him," my sister added. "But it gets a little easier. Now there's three of us to help in the process." Her lips curved to form a small smile.
I sighed, considering her words. It'd been two years since my father's death and I wondered how they managed. It felt like my entire world has shattered along with the knowledge of the duration of my absence. I came back thinking I was going to be reunited with my family, my whole family and I now wonder how I can just go about living my life as if none of this happened.
"What about school?" I blurted out when the thought crossed my mind. My eyebrows furrowed, thinking of the life I had before any of this occurred.
Jordyn chuckled beside me. "I didn't peg you for the type of person to be so eager to go back to school."
I grimaced before waving off her comment with a smile now playing at my lips. "Trust me, I'm far from eager." I leaned back on the couch to rest my back against the cushion. Both women were now in my field of vision and I found my mother lost in thought, gazing at nothing in particular.
Her eyes shortly found Jordyn's and the two exchanged glances. "Do you have the pamphlet?" She inquired.
Jordyn simply nodded her head and rose to her feet. I watched her curiously until she was out of eyesight. I turned to my mother just as she stood to return the photo album back on top of the entertainment center a few feet away. Her fingers remained on that of the spine of the book and she tapped a few times, thinking and having an inward battle with herself. Her shoulders relaxed and she finally turned to meet my gaze with her hand moving to her side.
"One thing I found that helped was returning to our normal routine," she returned to where she sat a few moments ago and continued, "stability is necessary for coping and I think you should consider returning to school in a couple of days."
I didn't like it, but I couldn't disagree with her words. I cringed at the idea of having to bear through the emotions for several hours of the day while in public or having to pretend I was fine when in actuality I wasn't.
My thoughts quieted as my mom placed a hand gently against my cheek. I realized my facial expression probably matched that of the thoughts churning in my mind.
"I want school to be your distraction and help in your recovery. But by no means do I mean for you to ignore the emotions you're experiencing. Be honest with what you're feeling and seek Jordyn or me for help when you need it," she instructed.
I looked into her eyes and took in her serious expression. She tensed under my gaze as if preparing for my retort but I formulated none. Instead, I was in agreement despite how loud my brain screamed no. She removed her hand to envelope me in a hug and held me tight. "I love you, Jessica."
My heart lept at those words. It marked the first time I heard them since my return. I never thought I'd have this moment again, here with my family. I had to bear the loss of my father but I continued to take in the unconditional love given by my mother. I wrapped my hands around her and took in her hug before muttering, "I love you, too."
Footsteps filled the now quiet room and we pulled away from each other. I found her looking past my shoulder to eye, what I assumed, was Jordyn returning with what she requested of her earlier. I turned to find my sister standing at the edge of the couch with a pamphlet within her hand which she handed to my mother's now extended one.
"Before you say no, at least consider it, okay?"Jordyn pleaded.
My eyebrows rose in confusion. Before I could ask what she was referring to, the pamphlet came into my field of vision as my mother placed it before me. At the top were the words Midtown School of Science and Technology with a photo of happy teens engaging in STEM activities. I hesitated when taking it into my hands. I opened the little booklet to find information on its location, why it was a good choice of school, and how it challenges those that attend, while also preparing them for college.
"This is in Queens," I stated. Ultimately it served as my first line of defense as to why I shouldn't attend this school. I was almost pleased with myself.
"It's only a twenty-five-minute subway ride," Jordyn declared.
Damn.
Realization struck me and I quickly turned to my sister. "Wait, you go here?"
Her lips curved in a smile and the girl nodded her head in reply.
"Since when?" I wondered.
She shrugged. "Since a year ago."
My eyes returned to the pamphlet and I almost considered it. I began to become anxious at the thought of having to meet new people and make new friends. I wasn't what you considered a 'people person'. In fact, I preferred animals than that of humans. On top of that, it was a Science and Technology school. It had to be filled with intelligent people. I'd stick out like a sore thumb.
My mouth parted and I was prepared to say no and tell them I simply wanted to return to the school I attended before.
"Think about it," my sister quickly pleaded again. "And don't say anything about how you're too dumb to attend or something. You're a lot smarter than you think you are."
It was like the girl could read my mind. It was unsettling.
"Agree to tour the school and then make a decision," my mother encouraged.
I groaned while my eyes shifted between the two women who gaped at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. I was prepared to give in when a thought occurred to me. "Wait, if it's been five years, then I'm technically twenty-two. So shouldn't I be applying for college-"
"You look twelve. No one is going admit an infant into their institution of higher education," Jordyn argued.
I feigned hurt at her words while she fell into laughter. I shook my head disapprovingly while chuckling silently. I looked to that of the pamphlet within my hand to give it a once over.
Maybe a fresh start was what I needed after all that's happened. Maybe this was a necessary change.
"I'll tour the school," I declared.
My mother smiled while Jordyn jumped for joy at my words. She quickly closed the space between us to envelop me in a hug. "They won't be able to handle the Drew crew!"
Her excitement was cause for the smile spreading to my lips. "I'm only agreeing to tour, you know."
I felt her shrug. She separated herself from me and bolted from out of our line of sight once again. "I have to tell my friends!" I heard her shout.
My eyebrows rose as I turned to my mom. "She has friends?"
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